Who Controls the Money?

 

Awhile ago, I worked with a couple who had this conversation in a session:

“You know, sweetie, I decided that paying only $3500. for the bike I want would be a great deal! The electric bikes run about $5000 to $6000 average! We could finance it easily with your excellent credit, or just buy it outright. And we could ride up hills on and off road! It would be so handy and fun!”

“$4000 for a bike that doesn’t even require any exercise? Do you think I’m made of money?! We have loads of other, more important expenses coming up! And, why are you leaning so happily into old age? What’s wrong with using some muscles – and paying a fraction of the price – on my dime?!”

Guess who was the primary earner in this marriage? And guess who got their way…

Historically, husbands frequently provided the income and wives stayed home running the household and dealing with the kids. Although wives often managed the checkbook, their husbands often maintained control over the spending choices made. It was an efficient but unequal system in terms of power.

Today, spousal roles are usually more blurred, with both partners earning an income and both sharing household and child rearing roles. What often remains the same however, is the fact that the higher earner generally has more say about what and when money is spent on based on their own assignment of value to purchases – (hence the electric bike discussion).

Because fluid sharing of power seems so vital to modern day marriages, I encourage couples to look at their habits or practices that create a power imbalance. It often is most obvious in this financial realm where the perception of value to an expense gets more votes and credence from the top earner.

So, instead of arguing endlessly about what’s worth spending money on, I encourage couples to set up an “Ours, Yours, and Mine” account system which supports collaboration on joint spending and expenses, as well as individual prerogative and independence around non essential spending. Things like the mortgage, utilities, food and children’s needs would come from the joint account, which the couple would fund equally, but proportionately to their income. The separate accounts would be funded based on an agreed upon monthly amount, also equally and proportionately from each spouse’s income. That way, the husband who wanted to get an electric bike would fund it from his own account in his own time without it having to meet his wife’s “priority” test.

For other one-earner couples I’d encourage them to look at the subjectivity around discretionary expenses. What’s “worth it” to one, may not be to the other. Weighting that based on who makes the money can create a nasty power imbalance that can color the relationship, so better to take turns or negotiate out disagreements about what “we” spend or don’t.

Who Started the Fight?

 This is one of the big issues most couples have struggled with at some point in their relationship: who pulled the trigger on a toxic event – who was really responsible for the mess?

It usually goes something like this:

“If you hadn’t said ________________________ 

I wouldn’t have been so ____________________!”

“Well, if you hadn’t been so ________________ 

I wouldn’t have said ______________________!”

And round and round it goes. A circle of blame and justification for bad behaviors. Both partners not feeling understood around their respective grievances, because the context felt so critical to the sequence.

If you’ve ever been in one of these go-arounds, (and chances are, you have been, more often than you’d like to admit), then you know too keenly that this kind of exchange only contributes to raising blood pressure and your dog, who’s been witnessing it, getting more weirded out by the minute. 

(That’s another post: “Want the truth? Then watch the dog!”)

I’ve worked with couples who escalated so intensely around this kind of exchange that they fought for hours about this Who Started It All nonsense, then punished each other for days or weeks afterward!

So, what’s a more productive line of questioning to pursue around a fight? – one which might actually move the two of you toward some healthy ownership, some forgiveness, repair, resolution and some learning?

It’s a few simple questions to ask yourself:

“Where was I  in that fight?”

“What were my contributions to that problem?”

“What do I regret about my own behavior in that situation?”

“What could I  have done differently, even though I felt provoked?”

(My often blamed) but wise husband says: “In other words, take a look at yourself,  because that’s the only thing you can actually change!”                                                   

 

Couplespeak™ Blog

Covid Silver Lining

I recently met with a couple I’ve been working with for quite some time. We hadn’t met in over a month due to a number of unforeseen events, including the fact that they’d each contracted Covid within the same week. It was a shock to them considering that they’d both been vaccinated and had practiced diligent Covid safety behaviors for the past year, like mask wearing in all public places, no indoor dining, avoidance of large gatherings, etc.

As with so many of us, Covid had become the dreaded Boogeyman, especially for the husband who was immunocompromised. It had become the terrorizer, the ticket to an untimely death, if not only a protracted, lonely suffering in an over-crowded hospital. Covid was the provider of all losses: 

• no more eating out
• no concerts
• no sporting events
• no presumed working in an office with all its social perks
• no safe travel requiring plane trips
• no movie theaters
• no stress-free grocery shopping
• no shield from other people’s sense of social responsibility or lack of it
• no break from one’s partner or spouse, who now had to fulfill most needs for connection.
• no more easy, safe, spontaneous visits with kids and grandkids

So what was their Covid Silver Lining?

• They thought it fortunate to have both tested positive within a few days, so no need to quarantine from each other!
• They coughed a lot, but weren’t seriously sick, and felt relieved and thankful for being mostly tired.
• They were quite tired, so they felt legitimacy about their frequent need to sleep and nap!
• They had previously stocked up on lots of supplies, so felt proud about preparedness, and relief not needing to shop! 
• The end of Summer weather was lovely, so they convalesced outside, not requiring hospitalization!
• They caught up on reading, email and TV without guilt!
• They found a new patience and tenderness with each other, taking turns with nursing roles!
• They had time to talk about small, private things without the pressure of work or interacting with the outside world!
• They enjoyed “paid leave,” and discovered a new appreciation for their jobs.
• They spent a lot of lazy time in their yard, realizing how blessed they were to live in such a beautiful place.
• They spent 18 to 20 days together, getting a taste of “retirement,” and could now envision it!
• But, most of all, they no longer feared the Boogeyman Covid. They had survived. They had thrived. Together.

So, with or without testing positive, what’s your Covid Silver Lining?

"Kvetch Dates"

 Kvetch Dates 

There’s a word in Yiddish which has no literal translation in English: “kvetch.”
It means “to complain, to moan, to bitch, to bellyache, to crab, grumble, fuss, nag, squawk, whine, grumble, gripe, etc. We all do it at times, but it can be a real problem when the kvetching hijacks your brain. It’s then likely to intrude upon any experience you may be having, either alone or with a partner. Have you ever been with someone whose constant kvetching ruined the day? It’s not fun for either of you. 

My antidote? “Kvetch dates.”

In the same spirit of “worry dates,” (where you minimize the intrusive nature of worry by legitimizing and scheduling it), so goes the “kvetch date.” If you’re alone and feeling overwhelmed or irritated or sorry for yourself, the last thing you’ll want is for those feelings to take over your day. On the other hand, there may be sufficient reasons for you to feel this way, so you also don’t want to negate your own internal experience. 

The compromise here may be to “prescribe the symptom,” as we say, and make a date with yourself to give those feelings some limited airtime. Establish a time when you allow yourself to fully vent those feelings, either in writing or talking aloud, or sharing them with someone you trust. Set a timer, and limit yourself to an allotted time, maybe ten minutes. Then stop, and change the frequency in your brain by directing your attention to something else, something neutral or positive. If your mind returns to “kvetch mode,” remind yourself that you’ll have another “kvetch date” tomorrow, and get back to the more positive activity. By practicing this, you’ll be developing significant thought-stopping skills which will serve you well when needed.

If you’re coupled up, you can make “kvetch dates” with each other, especially at the end of a long, stressful week, or in the midst of an emotionally challenging situation. Make a pact to avoid advice giving, solutions or judgments, and to simply listen to each other. Agree on a maximum time allowed, then change the frequency by engaging in something pleasurable or neutral. You’ll be protecting positive experiences by together getting the “kvetch” out of room.

10/29/20 7 PM EST BlogTalkRadio 20 minute podcast for more insights about staying afloat emotionally amidst this pandemic

 

In a previous BlogTalkRadio podcast I delved into some strategies for living more fully amidst the Covid 19 pandemic. I discussed the physical and emotional challenges everyone faces, as well as the symptoms people were experiencing only a few months into the crisis.

In this subsequent episode I’ll go deeper with my ideas for how to be more intentional with effective attitudes and behaviors which I’ve observed are helping my friends, family, clients, and myself to stay afloat emotionally, even feel happy and connected amidst this crisis.

Tune in at 7 PM EST on Thursday, October 29th live at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to hear about 7 key tools to help you and those you love thrive, even with all the uncertainty and loss associated with Covid 19. Feel free to join in live by phone toll-free at 1(800)-497-9046 with questions or concerns. If you can’t make the live podcast you can stream it anytime on BlogTalk Radio. One way or another, I hope you’ll tune in!

Stay well,

Susan

 

Don't miss tonight's BTR podcast "Strategies for Living More Fully Amidst the Covid 19 Pandemic" : 8:30 PM, 877-497-9046 or stream at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Hello Reader,

If you’re reading this at the time it’s being written then chances are, you’re grateful to still be healthy if you’re not already sick, you’re missing loved ones you can’t get on a plane to see or grieving someone you’ve lost, you’re sick of Zoom as your main connection to your work and social life, you miss going to public places and mingling with people up close, you miss simple things like stress-free grocery shopping, you’re wondering who’s next to die, you’re worried about how long you can hold onto the job you never loved, and among many other things, you’re wondering if you’ll live long enough to see the vaccine which could change everything.

I’ll be focusing my next BlogTalkRadio podcast on these issues, and sharing my ideas for how to maintain some sanity through this crisis. Don’t miss this 20 minute episode!

Tune in live 6/17/20 8:30 PM EST with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 or stream the podcast anytime at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager.

One way or the other I hope you can join me!

Passive Choices

Passive Choices

Most of us like to think that usually things happen to us because we’ve made an overt decision – we enroll in a class, then we take the class, we buy certain foods, then eat them later, we drive in a certain direction and end up at our destination. Our mindset is that when these things go awry, its misfortune or an overtly bad decision or mistake on our own part or someone else’s part. And that can be true, but how about the choices we make by not doing certain things or avoiding and denying certain things? How about the role of procrastination in shaping our outcomes?

I worked with a couple awhile ago who were in a war about these other types of choices I call “passive choices.” The husband years earlier had been diagnosed with very high blood pressure and high cholesterol. About 10 years ago he was hospitalized for a burst aortic aneurism, survived it and had a stent put in. He was advised to eat a heart healthy diet and exercise regularly to avoid further cardiovascular problems. According to his wife he initially paid some lip service to those instructions, then proceeded to eat whatever he wanted, drink alcohol liberally, and almost never do any cardio exercise. So it was no surprise to her when last year he needed another stent elsewhere and a repair of the aortic stent, a serious, painful operation requiring extensive recovery and involving lots of caregiving assistance. Needless to say the wife was rips**t! It was clear to her that this was the life he had passively chosen, he wasn’t a victim of bad luck. He couldn’t understand why she had so little empathy for his plight, why so cold? Her retort repeatedly was “You CHOSE this! Your inaction, your avoidance, your denial set the stage for this! What did you think would happen, living the way you did? You CHOSE this life!”

(In this case, the husband’s most recent health crisis sat on top of his history of 40 years of smoking, not heeding warnings from his doctors and dentist, and not stopping until most of his teeth had to be extracted, followed by a disfiguring cancer of the jaw, so the wife’s bandwidth for empathy now was almost nil. It all felt totally predictable to her while he continued to feel like a victim of fate). Predictably, they didn’t have a good outcome in therapy, as she continued to feel like a scolding mother to a childlike man who refused to look at how he was making decisions with his attitude and behaviors every single day.

So, what’s the moral of this sad story? Pay attention to not only what you do in an obvious, concrete way, but also to what you do through inaction or denial.

• Do you routinely put off paying bills until you get charged late fees? If so, you are choosing to create bad credit and financial complications. 
• Do you neglect to return calls or emails from family or friends? If so, you are choosing alienation or conflict in those relationships.
• Do you wait for a health crisis to follow your doctor’s advise? If so, you are choosing poor health.
• Do you procrastinate meeting deadlines for tasks at your job? If so, you are choosing to get a lousy review, maybe even be earmarked for the next layoff.
• Do you avoid hot topic conversations with your spouse or partner? If so, you are choosing to create a reservoir of resentment and distance between you two.

Instead:

• Focus less on your benign intentions and more on how you play them out behaviorally. Good intentions mean very little if your actions aren’t lined up with them.
• Realize that you can be a good person, making some bad passive choices.
• Pay attention to the “handwriting on the wall – early markers of negative outcomes so you can steer in a different, more desirable direction.
• Recognize that you make choices every day, both actively and passively, and that both kinds can create very powerful outcomes.