Quality Time For Couples

Hello Reader,

     What do Hullavators, J-Bars, Slide and Set Saddles, new bathing suits, trailer balls, hitches, Thermos coolers, Porta-Potties, ice cream cones, picnic lunches, juicy novels, and sunsets have in common?
You guessed it! Summertime fun in the sun on a favorite lake, with not only kayaks, but now with our little cruising motorboat! This is the sequel to "Father's Day Celebration With Determination": what started as a gift to the Husband and Father of quality family time for the day, now unfolds into carving out regular quality time as a couple -- no cellphones, no laptops, no "homework", no dishes, no bills, no laundry, no distractions from the shear pleasure of precious time together. It never comes easily or automatically, it requires planning, creativity, collaboration, commitment, and a capacity for joy. If you value it in your relationship, the returns will be immense. (Keep in mind that if you create experiences which involve some novelty, something out of your ordinary routine, you will be ramping up supplies of dopamine and norepinephrine, the "pleasure" chemicals in your brain associated with romantic love!)  So your house will be a bit messier, and your voicemail will be full, but no one will get killed if you create wonderful memories together. It's the "glue" in intimate partnerships, and most of us preserve too little time for quality time together. So start dreaming and together planning some experiences this summer, away from the stressors and routines of your everyday life. Think of all the money you'll save on marriage counseling down the road!

Cheers,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for my latest published articles about couple's issues at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager 
       

The Power of Forgiveness In Marriage

 Hello Reader,

     I witnessed the most amazing transformation in a young couple's marriage this week. I saw this couple for about two years after the discovery of the wife's affair with a coworker. The wife was psychologically out of the marriage, and immersed in shame. The husband was traumatized and obcessed with the betrayal, often in a rage. Through shear force of will we all hung in there working through the crisis, with the prospect of forgiveness almost unimaginable at times. But this week they returned for a checkup session after a few months off, with their new baby daughter, proud and beaming, peaceful and filled with joy, which we all knew was no miracle. They had worked diligently to face the crisis, understand it and their roles in it, and to do the daily work of healing and growth. The wife had to forgive herself for the transgression, the husband had to forgive her for the betrayal, and they each had to commit to changing the culture of their relationship so it wouldn't be so vulnerable again. They had to confront their own humanity in their capacity to hurt eachother, but also to forgive and deepen intimacy. They reminded me that genuine forgiveness usually happens when couples make it a relentless, daily practice, like athletes training for the olympics. It's not a lazy, haphazard process, it's grueling and exhausting, but the ultimate "gold medal" is the sweetest ever....

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Stay tuned for more about the issue of forgiveness and letting go, in articles, teleseminars, and Ebooks you'll find on my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com in July!

Celebrating Father's Day With Determination

Happy Father's Day, Reader,

     It may be a Hallmark invention, but honoring Dad's is really a great idea if you have the energy. My husband Thom, is an awesome father, and certainly deserved to be treated like a king today. So my son Alec and I conspired to do "acts of service" (slave labor), to celebrate. First, we did all the research, then bought and assembled a new Thule kayak rack for my new car so next Sunday when we have the time together, we'll be all ready for our first day of the season on our favorite lake. That's where my husband, the father in question, goes into trance mode floating around looking for lures, old boots, and whatnot underwater. It's like being on happy drugs without the drugs. Then I cooked up a gourmet breakfast we enjoyed on the deck, looking out over our land minus his four eyesore blueberry bushes I transplanted to my husband's front vegetable garden-- (no feat for the faint of heart, the first hole was filled with boulders, not rocks, boulders. The second hole was crisscrossed with giant roots which had to be extricated with an axe.) I thought I was going to have a heart attack, so the last two bushes I repotted into giant deck pots, hauling enormous bags of dirt, wondering about this Father's Day stuff. Oh, I forgot, last night I packed a picnic dinner for the beach where we froze to death amidst the Maine monsoon, but he loved the romantic thought .... Then tonight I whipped up an elaborate Indian dinner fit for a Maharaji, while Alec invented new cocktails using about $30. worth of fruit, but it too was a romantic thought.... Tonight we all collapsed after Alec and I, the two slaves, escaped briefly before the King came home, to cool off with a swim in our local pond. The Father was truly honored. The slaves are happy and ready to escape....

Hope you too honored the Dad in your life, and have Advil on hand,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Have a look at my published articles about couple's issues at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

      

Saying You're Sorry

Hello Reader,

     Watching the news today I couldn't help but shake my head and my finger, (I won't say which one) at B.P.'s  c.e.o. Tony Hayward.  I'm just one of millions of people outraged by his callous greed and  reckless decisions made before and after the oil spill. But the thing that really got to me was the way he said he "was sorry"! Sitting in front of the energy committee hearing, he had the gall to express "regret" for the loss of life and the hardship caused to the families and people in the area, then, when questioned, he in effect said he had nothing to do with the whole fiasco, and didn't know much about many of the fateful decisions made! The net effect was to generate more rage and outrage in the hearing, and all over the networks. The lesson? When you supposedly apologize for something, you need to SAY YOU'RE  SORRY by doing the following:
1. Take responsibility for your behavior, using "I" statements, i.e. what you DID to cause harm.
2. After you go into the details of the situation and your role in it, express remorse and regret.
3. Acknowledge your understanding of the harm done to the other, the hurtful impact.
4. Ask for forgiveness, and acknowledge to the victim that they may or may not grant it.
5. Commit to some form of repentance, some corrective behavior to avoid repeated harm.
What Hayward did instead was what I see in couples work all too often:
"I'm SORRY! ( Get over it!)"
(Maybe watching CNN isn't the best way to start the day)..................

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S. Check out my latest published articles about relationship issues at:
       http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Sunday Night Party

Hi Reader,

     I had the best Spontaneous End of The Weekend Bash last night ever! I'd highly recommend it as a useful "reframe". Here's the recipe for mine:
-- one part lazy gardening earlier in the day, no broken back
-- one part Food Network grilled pork with Blackberry-jalapeno glaze
-- one part couscous-stuffed peppers with basil sauce (from the garden of no broken back)
-- one part warm, messy kitchen
-- one part happy husband watching the sunset over his arugula plants, martini in hand
-- one part happy son with happy girlfriend, laughingly making coconut mojitos
-- one part Yo-Yo Ma playing cello
-- one part louder laughter as son's friend, the supreme character, joins the crew
-- one part competitive storytelling
-- five parts love
Shake together till blended, and enjoy!

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager

Keeping Agreements With Yourself And Others

Hi Reader,

     I've had a number of psychotherapy sessions this week, mostly with couples about how critical it is to honor agreements made with eachother, and how the breaking of agreements erodes trust. The discussion generally led to the issue of promises made to oneself, and how that's part of the whole deal. And I'm thinking, "of course, you can't bail out on your partner or yourself! It breaks faith!"
Then I get home, it's 10:00 P.M., and first thing I do is reneg on my promise to myself to not eat carbs late at night. Oh well, the world won't come to an end if my butt is two inches bigger......
Then I check my emails and again notice the one about technical difficulties with my new website, requiring alot more alien, left-brained problem-solving, so my solution is to bag the whole mess, and maybe follow that fantasy of becoming a roadcrew signholder, and not have to think so much! Who ever needed a website anyway?
Oh, I forgot to mention the trademark fiasco, and my quick solution for that:  I get some return calls from the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office telling me time's almost up to produce all the goods and services I've filed a trademark for, otherwise it's even more money for an extension. (hidden meaning: they took me SERIOUSLY, and expect me to make good on my promise!)  What are they, crazy? My solution? Who needs a trademark anyway? Did anyone ever get killed because they lacked one?
So, gentle reader, if you've ever wanted to shoot yourself for breaking agreements to your partner or yourself,  or even thinking about it, chances are your fancy therapist knows all too well how you feel.

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Maybe I'll surprise you and actually have that website up as promised in July:
         www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Monday Blues

Hi Reader,

     When it's Monday, and you're coming off a long relaxing weekend, don't sweat the small stuff.
Just remember to BREATHE................

Goodnight Bear,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Keep an eye out for my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com for all sorts of resources!        

Happy Birthday To Me

Good Morning Reader,

     Yesterday was my birthday, and it was lovely.  My family had a little breakfast party for me with an elegant table of delicious food and wonderful presents--(among which was a Nook E-reader which I'll use alot if I can give myself permission to sit still long enough to read downloaded books). I was later taken out to lunch by two friends and colleagues, during which we had a heated debate about porn in marriage, an issue which shows up more frequently in my work with couples. Then I tooled around Portsmouth with one of the friends, visiting local shops and shooting the breeze with the owners, some of whom used to work for my husband.  We then strolled around the waterfront at Prescott Park, and enjoyed the gardens and the river scene. Later, I spoke to one of my sisters, who had sent me a beautiful card and a gift, then my husband and I went to dinner at Mombo, a new, casually elegant restaurant in the historic Strawberry Banke section of town. The whole day made me feel special and loved, something which should happen on birthdays, and hopefully often throughout the year. So, Happy Birthday to Me!

Older and happier,

Susan Lager

Oil Crisis in The Gulf of Mexico -- Thoughts About " Wreaking Havoc"

Greetings Reader,

     I  heard another news story today about the oil spill in the Gulf, and some guy referred to it as "wreaking havoc" on the local industry. I won't go into my thoughts about the B.P. fiasco, but I will say that the expression "wreaking havoc" not only describes alot of the aggravation and hardship people inflict on others, resulting from their lousy decisions, but it also describes the misery people create in their most important relationships.  Think about this:  How are you "wreaking havoc" in yours?

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my latest published articles at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Making a Decision To Move Forward

Good Evening, Reader,

     Over the long weekend I was thinking about something Patricia Drain, one of my business coaches, said to me very matter of factly last week as she marveled at my progress transitioning into this world of internet coaching and writing: "You made a decision, Susan!  That was the turning point."  I had long considered the possibility of leaving the familiar haven of my beloved, full-time psychotherapy work, to add writing, public speaking, and training programs to my professional life. After much ruminating and ambivalence, I finally made the decision. I would continue to work with a select group of individuals and couples in psychotherapy, but also work with a larger client base using a coaching frame. Since then, I have been passionately immersed in this change, in what Tracy Repchuk, an internet Guru, calls "massive action"-- nonstop total commitment to one's goal.  In Change Theory there's alot said about the proper use of resources and tools, but that has to be built upon the earlier stage of Contemplation,  resolution of any ambivalence about the change, and MAKING A DECISION.  This is apparent frequently in couples therapy-- "tools" are moot until partners make a decision about where to put their energy-- more of the same, making it better, or getting out. Then the work becomes the lining up of actions with the goal, establishing markers of progress and motivational aids to stay on course. So if you feel frustration about some change you've supposedly wanted for awhile, and it's going nowhere fast, ask yourself, "Have I made a decision yet?"

Decidedly,

Susan Lager
P.S.   In July watch for my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com with surveys, special reports,
          articles, and monthly membership benefits!