Hi Reader,
The other day I got into a heated argument with my (frustrated lawyer) 23-year old son. I accused him / my husband of misplacing the spare key to our house which we keep in a hidden place in our garage. Given the fact that my son Alec NEVER puts anything back where it should be, it seemed only logical that he was the probable culprit, although my A.D.D. riddled husband was a likely runner up. (I, of course, NEVER misplace anything, I'm so perfect.) My outraged son said that the context was highly exaggerated and moot, and that my default position of blaming was NASTY and UNFAIR! (Of course, shortly afterward I found the key in question buried under a pile of beach bags and coolers we all use). But it got me thinking about how often I'm guilty of blaming, and how frequently I see it in my couples therapy practice, and how toxic it usually is. There are a few things we all need to do to avoid the "blame game":
1. Admit we have been doing it and resolve to STOP.
2. Think about our own part in a problem & take responsibility for our own role, not project it outward.
(i.e. me considering how I may also have contributed to the garage mess leading to the missing key).
3. Consider how we may set ourselves up for being seen as the "guilty party", and change our behavior.
(Alec being willing to look at the context-- that if he's continually leaving things all over the house,
car and yard, it would be logical for others to assume he's also the one who LOST THE KEY!!!!!!)
Thankfully, in our case it ended with a truce and good will. But if you do it too with some frequency in your relationships, watch out -- it's a relationship "sinkhole"!
Cheers.
Susan Lager
P.S. Take my newly published Couplespeak™ Marriage Fitness Test at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Back To School (Of Relationships) Part 3
Hello Reader,
It's August 24th, and about two weeks away from the end of this glorious summer. (!) This means that the first task is to let go without being morose, and feeling sorry for yourself about all the endings. You'll be able to do this with more finesse if:
1. You visualize your summer experiences as precious nuggets of memory in a treasure chest you can open at any point to enjoy alone or together with your partner. All is not lost.
2. You think about the things you never got around to doing, and resolve to get to them next summer through an ACTION plan.
3. You "reframe" the Fall as the Time for New Starts, (remembering that resolution you made to address the one or two problems in your relationship you would begin to deal with.) Hopefully by now you've gotten curious about your role in the problem(s), as well as your role in the solution(s). If you're clueless, use your short-term memory to pull up an image of your partner complaining about something you've done or not done. Now imagine a miracle has happened and this is no longer a problem in the relationship. What do you see yourself doing differently, and what are the markers of change which tell you this miracle has happened? Those behavioral "flags"are your map toward working on your end of the changes. Do one thing differently, then look for the "feedback loops" (acknowledgment of impact from your partner).
School is in session! Now go to "recess" for a little break before you tire of all this positive action.....
Happy Trails,
Susan Lager
P.S. Check out my latest published article about the Couplespeak
Marriage Fitness Test at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
It's August 24th, and about two weeks away from the end of this glorious summer. (!) This means that the first task is to let go without being morose, and feeling sorry for yourself about all the endings. You'll be able to do this with more finesse if:
1. You visualize your summer experiences as precious nuggets of memory in a treasure chest you can open at any point to enjoy alone or together with your partner. All is not lost.
2. You think about the things you never got around to doing, and resolve to get to them next summer through an ACTION plan.
3. You "reframe" the Fall as the Time for New Starts, (remembering that resolution you made to address the one or two problems in your relationship you would begin to deal with.) Hopefully by now you've gotten curious about your role in the problem(s), as well as your role in the solution(s). If you're clueless, use your short-term memory to pull up an image of your partner complaining about something you've done or not done. Now imagine a miracle has happened and this is no longer a problem in the relationship. What do you see yourself doing differently, and what are the markers of change which tell you this miracle has happened? Those behavioral "flags"are your map toward working on your end of the changes. Do one thing differently, then look for the "feedback loops" (acknowledgment of impact from your partner).
School is in session! Now go to "recess" for a little break before you tire of all this positive action.....
Happy Trails,
Susan Lager
P.S. Check out my latest published article about the Couplespeak
Marriage Fitness Test at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Monday, August 16, 2010
A Day At The Beach
Hi Reader,
Swimming again, thankfully no sharks! (We all need to appreciate the small things in life)....
With Gratitude,
Susan Lager
Swimming again, thankfully no sharks! (We all need to appreciate the small things in life)....
With Gratitude,
Susan Lager
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Back To (Relationship) School Part 2
Good Morning Reader,
I've been thinking about this issue of readiness for the coming year since I brought it up. Hopefully by now you've begun to reflect firstly on a particular relationship which feels a bit limp, and needs some TLC.
When you think about the strengths, be straight with yourself about whether or not you've done anything to "feed" them. If not, take a meaningful step by doing one thing to make the other person feel valued or loved. It may be a small gift, or an email or call, or an invitation to do something together soon, or just a conversation about why you care, and what you enjoy about that person. (Unless you're disgustingly mushy, your friend or partner will probably love hearing something from your heart). Don't assume they already know it. Even if they do, most people love "words of affirmation".
Now think about the one or two problems you've already identified in this relationship, and your part in them. Be prepared to go into corrective action with one change in the coming weeks. We'll talk about that one later......
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. Keep an eye out for my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com (which should have been up and running in July, but I've been playing too hard this summer).
I've been thinking about this issue of readiness for the coming year since I brought it up. Hopefully by now you've begun to reflect firstly on a particular relationship which feels a bit limp, and needs some TLC.
When you think about the strengths, be straight with yourself about whether or not you've done anything to "feed" them. If not, take a meaningful step by doing one thing to make the other person feel valued or loved. It may be a small gift, or an email or call, or an invitation to do something together soon, or just a conversation about why you care, and what you enjoy about that person. (Unless you're disgustingly mushy, your friend or partner will probably love hearing something from your heart). Don't assume they already know it. Even if they do, most people love "words of affirmation".
Now think about the one or two problems you've already identified in this relationship, and your part in them. Be prepared to go into corrective action with one change in the coming weeks. We'll talk about that one later......
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. Keep an eye out for my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com (which should have been up and running in July, but I've been playing too hard this summer).
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Back To School (Of Relationships)
Hello Reader,
The summer is almost over, and once again I start getting an onslaught of calls in my practice for people who want "back to school supplies" of a sort. I don't mean the pencil and notebook kind, but instead the tools and resources folks need to get back to the work of tending to their relationships as the warm weather winds down, especially here in the Northeast. We all have mixed memories about this time of year-- mourning the loss of the carefree days of summer, and the excitement about the new school year, new teachers, new friends, new experiences, NEW SHOES!!!! This same "clock" applies to our relationships, with the renewed energy in the Fall for beginnings. I'll be writing about this issue with ideas about specific things you can do to refresh your most important relationships. First do three things:
1. Think about which one of your relationships feels a bit tired or neglected at this point.
2. Think about a few strengths in that relationship you need to dust off and expand upon.
3. Think about one or two problems in the relationship, the circumstances which fuel them, and what it might take to begin a remedy.
Voila!! You've just started your "back to school shopping"! Now go back to the beach, enjoy the rest of the summer, and know you'll be better prepared for the coming year in the Fall with a few more supplies....
Cheers,
Susan Lager
The summer is almost over, and once again I start getting an onslaught of calls in my practice for people who want "back to school supplies" of a sort. I don't mean the pencil and notebook kind, but instead the tools and resources folks need to get back to the work of tending to their relationships as the warm weather winds down, especially here in the Northeast. We all have mixed memories about this time of year-- mourning the loss of the carefree days of summer, and the excitement about the new school year, new teachers, new friends, new experiences, NEW SHOES!!!! This same "clock" applies to our relationships, with the renewed energy in the Fall for beginnings. I'll be writing about this issue with ideas about specific things you can do to refresh your most important relationships. First do three things:
1. Think about which one of your relationships feels a bit tired or neglected at this point.
2. Think about a few strengths in that relationship you need to dust off and expand upon.
3. Think about one or two problems in the relationship, the circumstances which fuel them, and what it might take to begin a remedy.
Voila!! You've just started your "back to school shopping"! Now go back to the beach, enjoy the rest of the summer, and know you'll be better prepared for the coming year in the Fall with a few more supplies....
Cheers,
Susan Lager
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