Hello Reader,
Several times in the past few weeks I've witnessed couples struggle with avoidable misunderstandings.
John and Jane have a brief late night conversation about a hot-button topic, they keep going until they're exhausted, and go to bed, thinking it's resolved. Over the course of the week each one proceeds with their own version of the "agreement", until the "alternate realities" become apparent in an explosive fight. Each is hurt, offended, and feels negated. Familiar scene?
Here's two tips from a seasoned spouse and couples therapist to avoid the mayhem:
1. STOP when you're tired -- it only produces distortion! Tomorrow's a new day.
2. When you think you've reached a resolution, don't just walk away to water the garden or walk the dog. Instead, Restate Your Takeaway. Reiterate, in your own words, your understanding of what the conclusion was and why. If your partner nods, it's good, you got it. If your partner tries to throw a plant at you, it's not good, you need to ask for clarity, then try again. Now your partner needs to do the same, and when you both feel heard and understood, it's good, now go walk the dog.
Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager
PS. Go to my newly live website for lots more relationship tools:
How To Be A Better Couple
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Decisions Made Carefully
Hi Reader,
It's been a crazy-busy week full of decisions about business things, birthday gifts, how to use the last days of summer, and, most critically, buying a new washer and dryer after the old dinosaurs bit the dust.
The last decision I tried to make as fast as possible, given that my idea of spending a beautiful Sunday in September is NOT at Home Depot! I was advised by a family member, however, not to commit the future of our laundry to a hasty choice possibly resulting in duller "whites" for years to come. It reminded me of something a client said in a session and gave me permission to share with the world: When it comes to big decisions, either emotional, financial or otherwise, don't be hasty. "Put it to the committee of sleep", and you'll be clearer in the morning about what you need to do.
Well, I'm off to bed, probably dreaming about Maytags, Whirlpools and Kenmores, lucky me....
Night-night,
Susan Lager
P.S. By the way, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com is live, so you can get your Free Reports now! Go to: How To Be A Better Couple
It's been a crazy-busy week full of decisions about business things, birthday gifts, how to use the last days of summer, and, most critically, buying a new washer and dryer after the old dinosaurs bit the dust.
The last decision I tried to make as fast as possible, given that my idea of spending a beautiful Sunday in September is NOT at Home Depot! I was advised by a family member, however, not to commit the future of our laundry to a hasty choice possibly resulting in duller "whites" for years to come. It reminded me of something a client said in a session and gave me permission to share with the world: When it comes to big decisions, either emotional, financial or otherwise, don't be hasty. "Put it to the committee of sleep", and you'll be clearer in the morning about what you need to do.
Well, I'm off to bed, probably dreaming about Maytags, Whirlpools and Kenmores, lucky me....
Night-night,
Susan Lager
P.S. By the way, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com is live, so you can get your Free Reports now! Go to: How To Be A Better Couple
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Affirmations For Success
Hi Reader,
I've been thinking about people who are obviously happy, moving steadily toward their goals, and experiencing success in their endeavors. (Hopefully I'm somewhere on that list too...) It's given me the idea for a next article called "Think Like An Athlete and Radically Change Your Marriage". Mind you, I know very little about the mechanics of professional sports, can barely tell the names attached to the sport, i.e.:
Are the Bruins hockey or football? It's pathetic, but I do somehow know a thing or two about sports psychology, that's right up my alley! So here's a sports tool you can easily use in your own life, even if you're not about to attempt your own bobsled run in the olympics:
AFFIRMATIONS: An affirmation is a positive declaration of a condition you'd like to exist, stated positively in the present tense, using the personal pronoun "I".
For example:
I enjoy weekends with my partner.
I love my husband's cooking efforts.
I feel happy in our new home.
I enjoy teamwork with my spouse.
I deserve my partner's attention.
It may seem hokey, but affirmations are a great tool to prime your brain for relationship success through positive visualizations. Try it!
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. My new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com will be live this week, finally! Go there and you'll have access to articles and lots more upcoming information about relationship success.
How To Be A Better Couple
I've been thinking about people who are obviously happy, moving steadily toward their goals, and experiencing success in their endeavors. (Hopefully I'm somewhere on that list too...) It's given me the idea for a next article called "Think Like An Athlete and Radically Change Your Marriage". Mind you, I know very little about the mechanics of professional sports, can barely tell the names attached to the sport, i.e.:
Are the Bruins hockey or football? It's pathetic, but I do somehow know a thing or two about sports psychology, that's right up my alley! So here's a sports tool you can easily use in your own life, even if you're not about to attempt your own bobsled run in the olympics:
AFFIRMATIONS: An affirmation is a positive declaration of a condition you'd like to exist, stated positively in the present tense, using the personal pronoun "I".
For example:
I enjoy weekends with my partner.
I love my husband's cooking efforts.
I feel happy in our new home.
I enjoy teamwork with my spouse.
I deserve my partner's attention.
It may seem hokey, but affirmations are a great tool to prime your brain for relationship success through positive visualizations. Try it!
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. My new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com will be live this week, finally! Go there and you'll have access to articles and lots more upcoming information about relationship success.
How To Be A Better Couple
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tom Brady And Coping With Stress
Hello Reader,
As you may have heard, Tom Brady, the NFL Football superhero, was in a car accident today in Boston. It was really bad timing, not only for another person involved who sustained injuries, but also for Brady who has apparently been in contract negotiations for some time, and was possibly going to reach an agreement today. In the football world, such an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, doesn't bode well for Brady. He was worried about the other injured passenger, en route to a practice, and awaiting the contract outcome. An average person would have been totally freaked out, and not very functional after this particular sequence of events. But a newscaster said Brady wasn't injured, and planned to attend practice, not because he's callous, but because he has a remarkable ability to compartmentalize.
It made me think of this typical (more often male) coping strategy, and how double-edged it is. It so often disconnects people from experiences and context, and alienates partners, but also enables great athletes and others not to fall apart under stress.
I tell clients to observe the duality of this coping strategy, and figure out when it serves them well, as well as when it handicaps them, particularly in their relationships.
How does it serve you?
Signing off,
Susan Lager
P.S. Look for my upcoming article related to this issue available through my new website later this month(!!!!!!) at: How To Be A Better Couple
P.SS. Also check out my latest published article:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
As you may have heard, Tom Brady, the NFL Football superhero, was in a car accident today in Boston. It was really bad timing, not only for another person involved who sustained injuries, but also for Brady who has apparently been in contract negotiations for some time, and was possibly going to reach an agreement today. In the football world, such an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, doesn't bode well for Brady. He was worried about the other injured passenger, en route to a practice, and awaiting the contract outcome. An average person would have been totally freaked out, and not very functional after this particular sequence of events. But a newscaster said Brady wasn't injured, and planned to attend practice, not because he's callous, but because he has a remarkable ability to compartmentalize.
It made me think of this typical (more often male) coping strategy, and how double-edged it is. It so often disconnects people from experiences and context, and alienates partners, but also enables great athletes and others not to fall apart under stress.
I tell clients to observe the duality of this coping strategy, and figure out when it serves them well, as well as when it handicaps them, particularly in their relationships.
How does it serve you?
Signing off,
Susan Lager
P.S. Look for my upcoming article related to this issue available through my new website later this month(!!!!!!) at: How To Be A Better Couple
P.SS. Also check out my latest published article:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Shelling Peanuts--A Lost Pastime?
Hi Reader,
This title wasn't just a random thought. There have been a few images which lodged in my brain, making me think about what is getting lost living in the fast lane, as most of us do. My husband Thom and I were floating around in our boat near a sandbar today on our favorite lake in New Hampshire. It was boiling hot out, so we'd read or talk a bit, then take a dip in the lake, pick blueberries, watch the ripples in the water, and repeat the whole sequence for most of the afternoon. At one point, a smiling, elderly gentleman floated by on a dinghy, arms and legs hanging out, aimlessly headed nowhere in particular, obviously having a grand old time, entirely "in the moment". It was a "shelling peanuts" (on a porch), kind of day. Sadly, I think this kind of energy and attitude, slow and languorous, gets squelched in our busy lives, and something precious to our selves and our relationships gets lost. I encourage clients, (and myself) to be more intentional about preserving this kind of tempo as sacred to our sense of well-being, our connection to the world, and to our partners. And by the way, who got the crazy idea to bring peanuts to us already shelled?
Goodnight,
Susan Lager
P.S. Any day now, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com
will be live AND functional, with Free Reports you'll find
useful! Then will come E-books, and many more tools to help
you have happier partnerships.
This title wasn't just a random thought. There have been a few images which lodged in my brain, making me think about what is getting lost living in the fast lane, as most of us do. My husband Thom and I were floating around in our boat near a sandbar today on our favorite lake in New Hampshire. It was boiling hot out, so we'd read or talk a bit, then take a dip in the lake, pick blueberries, watch the ripples in the water, and repeat the whole sequence for most of the afternoon. At one point, a smiling, elderly gentleman floated by on a dinghy, arms and legs hanging out, aimlessly headed nowhere in particular, obviously having a grand old time, entirely "in the moment". It was a "shelling peanuts" (on a porch), kind of day. Sadly, I think this kind of energy and attitude, slow and languorous, gets squelched in our busy lives, and something precious to our selves and our relationships gets lost. I encourage clients, (and myself) to be more intentional about preserving this kind of tempo as sacred to our sense of well-being, our connection to the world, and to our partners. And by the way, who got the crazy idea to bring peanuts to us already shelled?
Goodnight,
Susan Lager
P.S. Any day now, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com
will be live AND functional, with Free Reports you'll find
useful! Then will come E-books, and many more tools to help
you have happier partnerships.
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