Rebuilding After The Tornado

Hello Reader,

We've all been glued to our TV's watching the devastation to lives and landscape after the tornado in Missouri. It's been equally as amazing to see the resolve and resilience of the victims in their determination to rebuild their lives and their community! They do some things which I think are critical to psychological and physical reconstruction, and which we could all take as important examples for "moving on" after any trauma:

1. They grieve their losses together.
2. They value what's most important from the wreckage.
3. They celebrate what's indestructible - the bonds with loved ones.
4. They help each other to take the beginning steps of rebuilding.
5. They share their stories.
6. They ask for help.

Hats off to the people of Missouri for their model of courage, determination, and humanity in this crisis!

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

In The Path Of The Tornado

Hello Reader,

What a sad time this is for thousands of people who went about their business on an ordinary Sunday, and found themselves homeless, surrounded by death, and utter destruction later that evening! Even though few of us can begin to imagine the horror they endured, most of us can connect with the idea that life is fragile, and that nothing is a "given".

The tragedy made me think about not only the heroism and resilience of the human spirit we all witness in these events, but also the sacred bonds we have with each other. As a therapist and coach, I work with people every day to help them actively cherish these bonds. I also ask myself if I too, have cherished my precious relationships, or taken them for granted lately?

I encourage anyone who loves someone, or many "someone's", to imagine that a tornado like the one in Missouri could be headed in your direction. Whom would you protect? What last minute bargain would you be making with the Universe or your own conception of God, regarding what you promise you'd do differently, given another chance? Would you love better? Would you be kinder? Would you tune in more? Would you stop to smell the roses? Then proceed to live your life more mindfully and open-heartedly "in the path of the tornado".

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Affair

Hello Reader,

With the news of yet another celebrity infidelity, (this time compounded by the secrecy around having a "love child" with the mistress), one could wonder if there's such a thing as fidelity, or if any permanence in marriage is achievable!
The answer is: Yes. Yes. My years of experience as a couples therapist have informed me that, contrary to popular belief:

1. Couples often seek reconciliation rather than divorce, after the revelation of infidelity.
2. Deep betrayals, like Schwarzenegger's can be forgiven and worked through to healing.
3. Spouses who have had an affair, even one lasting years, or one with a trusted family contact, can do the internal and interpersonal work of growth and healing, to avoid future infidelity, but they must take responsibility for their behavior for any significant "working through" to happen.
4. It all takes TIME, PATIENCE, COURAGE, and most importantly, MOTIVATION to learn and grow, and an appreciation of the value of staying married.
5. It "takes a village": a spouse willing to forgive and explore their possible complicity in setting the stage for the affair, non-judgmental friends and family, children who are open, and professional help to sort through the issues and facilitate the healing.

So if you are in a similar mess to Arnold and Maria's, don't run to a lawyer's office yet. There may be hope for healing and even deeper intimacy through the learning and forgiveness process!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. Tune into my BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 9PM EST at toll-free: 877-497-9046.

It's about "Sane Divorce", featuring Honey Hastings, the intrepid lawyer who co-founded The Collaborative Law Alliance of NH, and the author of "The NH Divorce Handbook". It should be very enlightening!

Mississippi River Rising

Hello Reader,

What a couple of weeks! Osama Bin Laden dead, (finally), Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver divorcing after 25 years of marriage and four kids, and the flooding all along the Mississippi River! It feels like the world has turned upside down at times like this! It can shake up everything we take for granted, like a safe home, and a loving, lasting marriage, and a safe world. It can also create "compassion fatigue", that numbing that happens around constant catastrophic news, a feeling of dread -- (what about Bin Laden's son on the loose, seeking vengeance, what now?), and "survivor guilt" related to living personally unscathed by devastation.

My personal remedy to combat the toxic effects of all this is to:

1. Limit exposure to the news!
2. Engage in activities and contacts which foster faith in mankind.
3. Help others in need, so you feel like you make a difference.
4. Breathe deeply, watch your catastrophic thoughts, and redirect to benign ones.
5. Practice gratitude mindfulness. Appreciate your health, loved ones, and your freedom!

I hope it helps just a bit,

Susan Lager
PS. Tune in to my BlogTalk Radio show for the upcoming episode called "Sane Divorce - Yes, You Do Have Choices", featuring New Hampshire attorney Honey Hastings, author of "The New Hampshire Divorce Handbook", and co-founder of The Collaborative Law Alliance Of New Hampshire. It should be a very interesting and informative show. You can call in live and toll-free Wednesday, May 18th at 9PM EST at 877-497-9046. Don't miss it, especially if you're facing a divorce!

Marital Copouts-- The Top Ten Of All Time on BlogTalk Radio!

Hello Reader,

I have a funny and not so funny BlogTalk Radio show coming up Wednesday, May 4th at 9PM EST that I think anyone who's married, divorced, engaged or in a committed relationship will REALLY relate to -- "The Top 10 Marital Copouts Of All Time".  I'll be sharing stories from not only my own personal experience, but from my psychotherapy practice, (identities masked, of course), about all the wild excuses we and our partners have used or heard to avoid responsibility in marriage. Tune in, it should be fun! 

Call toll-free: 877-497-9046 and you can catch it live, share your thoughts and stories if you want. Or you can go to by show page at: www. BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to play it live streaming directly from the site. Hope you'll be on the call!

Susan Lager