The Year 2011 In Review

We're at that point we get to each year when we're bombarded with images in the media of the past year. We note infamous crimes, acts of heroism, deaths, political highs and lows, social events, foreign developments, economic swings, etc., etc. Because I'm a psychotherapist and coach, my version of the Year  In Review is, of course, one that focuses on the external and internal emotional events which have marked people's lives. (Any surprise there?)

If you're doing your own Year 2011 In Review you could either reflect back upon:

• how much money you made or didn't
• how many sick days you took off from work
• how many vacations you went on and if they were worth much
• how much weight you gained or lost
• if you finally stopped smoking or not
• if your spouse drove you crazier than ever
• which friends let you down
• if you got your house de-cluttered
• who got divorced after a messy affair
• who died young 

(Blah, blah, blah....)

Or you could do this kind of Year In Review:

• what were my major accomplishments at work?
• what positive steps did I take in my marriage?
• how was I more thoughtful and loving to my family?
• did I do any better at setting appropriate limits around time asked of me?
• how well did I take care of myself physically?
• did I expand myself intellectually and spiritually?
• what major lessons did I learn in 2011?
• did I have enough fun this past year?
• did I stand up for what's important to me?
• what did I model for my children? 
• was I a generous enough friend to the people I care about?
• whose accomplishments brought me joy?

Get the difference? After you have (hopefully) chosen the latter set of reflections, you have a beginning template for an even better 2012!  Gotta wrap some more presents.

Happy Holidays! Happy End of 2011!

Susan Lager 

Take It Easy!

Everyone, including myself, is running around getting ready for the rest of the holidays, and I mean "running around"! We're in the home stretch now for getting our homes sufficiently decorated, getting those gifts bought and in the mail,
making sure all our cards are written and sent out, choosing our menus, and finalizing our holiday plans so we don't feel left out of all "the fun" socially. Then there's the usual busyness of housework, making meals, working jobs so we can pay the bills, raising our children, getting some sleep, and of course, finding some time for self care, like indulging in a measly workout here and there. Not to mention the little detail of having an occasional conversation with our partner, or loved ones!
As I participate in, and observe the race all around, I've decided that three things are important to keep in mind to preserve one's sanity, and to actually derive some fun and meaning around the holidays:

1. Check your perfectionism. Even Martha Stewart, the maven of style, class, and coziness, has legions of "elves" all around to create the illusion of perfection. So don't buy into the invention. Instead, establish a "good enough" standard which allows for the realities of your time and energy constraints, allows you to enjoy yourself, and to stay focused on your goals for the season. At this juncture, less is more. Keep those expectations in check.
2. Let others help. Don't over-function your way into martyrdom. You'll be a more pleasant companion if you let other people share in the labor of making holiday traditions happen. The people around you will feel more invested in activities they have helped to create. You'll also be more rested if you don't view the holidays as a "one man/woman show".
3. Practice the fine art of saying "no" if you are feeling maneuvered into doing more than your fair share of holiday activity. If you have a partner or sibling who seems to be bailing out on you, and expecting you to compensate for their inactivity, then draw a line in the sand, and let consequences happen. You'll then avoid some resentment around feeling exploited.

Stay conscious!

Susan Lager

PS.  Check out my new eBooks and articles for sale later this month at the "Products" page of my website: SusanLager.com. You'll get "pre-published" first dibs on great tools for better communication, and better relationships!

Got The Bug?

My younger sister Laura and I used to share a room when we were kids. Except for a few glaring things, it was a mostly satisfactory arrangement. We'd stay up late and complain about how crazy our parents were, how sloppy our older sister Margie was, always getting caught drinking and making out with boys, and how New Rochelle was full of snobs and imbeciles. 

One of the disadvantages to the shared room was that Laura hated open windows with fresh air, and I loved a breeze, even in mid winter. I'd scoff at her wussy "hothouse flower" ways, and she'd pout and often tattle on me to Mommy who always took her side. (That's another 5,000 blog entries, no, that's a big fat book.....) 

The other down side to the shared space was the amplified horror when either of us got "the bug." Even though the windows in question all had screens, (and were usually closed, because little Laura often got her way), somehow a stray mosquito would occasionally get through, and then proceed to torture us all night with its buzzing and dive-bombing. We knew we were in for a dreaded, sleepless night when either or both of us whispered to the other, "Oh no, I've got the bug!" Pillows would fly, and we'd spend

the night on a killing mission. Finally, all would be thankfully silent, and we'd figure the Oppressor had moved on to torment Harold T. Fields next door. We'd snuggle back into our beds, exhausted and grateful to be safe again, close our eyes, and drift off to dreamy sleep. Until sooner or later "the bug" would return to cruelly taunt us with its relentless buzzing and dive-bombing.

What would we all do without a sister or a brother to tattle on us, gossip with, and share nights of terror with?......

Drifting off, hopefully without "the bug",

Susan Lager

Calling Australia!

Calling Australians! The whole world (except for most of Africa) reads this blog. Why not you guys?

What would you want to hear about which would feel relevant there on the other side of the planet?
You have a beautiful country (which unfortunately I've never seen), you're famous for your spirit of independence and spunk, but I know that you must have relationship issues just like the rest of us on this side of the planet.
Tell me what you're wrestling with in your marriages and partnerships! I'm glad to help.

Wondering, on the other side of the world,

Susan Lager

Preparing For The Holidays

Over the years, I've met with hundreds of couples who get totally wigged out at this time of year. To begin with, many of them have at least one person who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, a condition which sets up depressive symptoms in reaction to the lowered light levels in the Fall through early Spring. It's not a good beginning. On top of that, most partners focus their energy on holiday decorations, social calendars, menus, and gift shopping for people they often care little about. People plan their days and nights, trying to pack it all in, with coziness and finesse, Hallmark style.

What is often conspicuously missing in the melee is any thought or conversation about particular activities or rituals which would feel meaningful and "uniquely ours", i.e. intimate and private. Predictably, when couples prepare for the holidays with some curiosity and attention to the sacredness of some meaningful time alone, apart from relatives and kids, it changes everything! So if you're in a partnership, honor it with just a tad of thought to what traditions you'd like to create just for yourselves. Be creative! Be silly or be sentimental! But be together. You'll surely have a happier holiday season.

Cheers,
Susan Lager
PS.  Next week you will be able to purchase my two new eBooks, and some articles all about relationship tools on my website, Susan Lager For A Better Life.  (I'm only about one year behind schedule, but hey, I've been focusing on meaningful rituals of my own!)