(Almost) Giving Up

Among the 10,000 other things I've been working on, I've been writing two books for the past eight or so months. They're the first two in a series of Couplespeak™ guides about surviving and thriving in relationships. One is done, and in the complicated process of being properly formatted for publishing, and the other is soon to be born. I think they'll both be wonderful - that is, if I don't give up.

I've wanted to give up for the past few months, because of all the hassles and challenges of the project, and my wise, almost 25 year old son Alec says, "Mom, don't give up! You're about 85% of the way there!"
He's right. It's like deciding you might not want to have the baby when you're entering your ninth month of pregnancy, and there's nothing wrong with the baby! You wanted this baby. You planned it, did everything right. Now you want to bale?

The logical, mature therapist part of me knows this is probably "Fear of Success." Sounds crazy, doesn't it? We're all familiar with "Fear of Failure," but why would anyone fear success? And yet, most people have, at some point in their lives, hesitated or sabotaged themselves around some important project or dream, or most commonly, sabotaged a good relationship. That I see every day! People on the threshold of really positive developments, and they can't integrate it psychologically, because it doesn't jive with all their negative self scripts, so they just give up.

I saw a TV interview with the Principal of an inner city high school who talked about his daily battle to keep his students on track, competing with the lure of gangs and drugs. When asked if he ever felt like giving up, he laughed and said, "Of course! I actually do give up for a period of time every day. Then I go back, and continue to fight the battle."
Maybe that's the clue. Let yourself give up when you need to, then remember why you've been in it, and go back to your dream.

(Almost) giving up - for now,
Susan Lager
P.S.  The name of the book is, "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat!   (Coming out next month, if I give up just a little each day).

Sweet Father's Day 2012

Our family officially celebrated Father's Day a week early, because that's when our son was able to make the trek home from Connecticut. That meant that on the actual day, it was just my husband, "the Father," and me, celebrating him as a great Dad.

I bought him a printer compatible with his iPad, which he loved, and then gifted him with a surprise excursion upstate New Hampshire which I had fully planned. We started the day with the present and a pot of coffee, which we enjoyed on the deck overlooking our garden - very "Martha Stewart". We then "dubbed around" our land, picking weeds and flowers, and congratulating ourselves for all the beauty we've created. (That part is an almost daily ritual). Then we loaded up the kayaks and the car with supplies, and took off for the "surprise" trip to Squam Lake ("Golden Pond"), in Holderness, New Hampshire, munching on our "breakfast to go". (He'd had a feeling it was probably Squam).

Unbeknownst to me, it was the last day of Motorcycle Week in Weirs Beach, which we had to go through to get to the lake, so the last leg of the journey was very interesting, complete with 200,000 bikers from all over, many of whom were Hells Angels. By the time we landed the kayaks it was 3:30, and as usual, most people were beginning to head home. That was just fine, as we had most of the giant lake to ourselves, as we often do on our trips, with our weird schedule. (We tooled all around France without reservations for two weeks in 1986 after a terrorist bombing, and never saw an American).
We paddled around for a few hours, admiring the stately summer homes and the mountains, as I watched my blissful husband, thinking, "these moments are precious, savor them, savor being with him, it's not a given!"

We then left the lake and headed for Lago, a lakeside inn and restaurant at the northern point of Winnipesaukee. They serve drinks on the lawn at the water's edge, where you sit in adirondack chairs, looking down the lake toward the mountains. It's one of our favorite places, and we had it all to ourselves, because it was a Sunday night, and most (normal) people were already headed home. Then we had a lovely dinner at a table right by the window, watching the sunset.
It was the most perfect Father's Day, and I kept thinking, "Why do we wait for special occasions to gift each other in this way? Why don't we all appreciate each other like this every day?"

I hope you too had a lovely Father's Day.

Susan Lager

Lower Your Expectations

How often have you set yourself up for a big disappointment by counting on an experience or a situation to be a certain way? I hear about people doing this all the time. You want flowers, but they have to be red roses, so if you get daisies, they don't count. You anticipate a fabulous weekend having fun in the sun, then when it rains, all your plans literally get soaked, and you're miserable. You get married expecting unending romance and bliss, then when the reality of arguments and differences sets in, you're headed for divorce court. The problem is your expectations!

Research studies have shown that unrealistically high expectations of ourselves result in lower success rates with goals, and lowered feelings of satisfaction - that people set themselves up for "failure" with inflated notions of "success." The dieting industry is a perfect testimony to this.

When our son was just a teeny tadpole I used to get all excited by the prospect of going on adventures with him. I'd research, plan, pack, and expect glorious things. I was a "stay-at-home mother," so one of the benefits was time to do lots of fun stuff, NOT at home. The complication was that he had severe asthma attacks which would require immediate medical attention, sometime in the form of a trip to the local emergency room. So much for my elaborate plans......
Ironically, the day I decided to lower my expectations, was the day that my parenting experience began to really get wonderful and interesting. I adopted the attitude that maybe we'd go with the plan, maybe not, but something else would emerge, perhaps better in some way. It helped me relax and be "in the moment," as they say, even if that moment was in the ER, or heaven forbid, staying at home.

Moral of the story? Lower your expectations regarding "ideal outcomes," and watch your happiness level go way up!

Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S.  For more insights and ideas about how to have a better time in life, go to the
        "Products" page of my website: www.SusanLager.com 

"Men, Women and Weight" Blogtalk Radio Show! Wednesday, 6/6 8:00 PM

Tune into my next exciting Blogtalk Radio show, "Men, Women and Weight,
An Exploration of Body Politics" featuring Mary Jo Martin, Ph.D., an expert
in the field of eating disorders and body issues.

It should be a fascinating episode dealing with the compelling issue of weight,
body image distortion, how our culture is a culprit, and findings about effective
or ineffective treatments.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 if you'd like to be able to join us live on the air
with questions or comments, or go to www.BlogtalkRadio.com/SusanLager to
listen in while we're recording, or at your convenience, listen in to the archived,
recorded episode.
We're airing Wednesday, June 6th at 8 PM EST.

Hope you join us! It should be a terrific show we can all learn from.

Another Birthday!

I'm about to have (yet another!) birthday. Before last night I was feeling quite bleak about it, thinking that time is running out, and that I'll never accomplish all the things I'd like to, never see all the places I want to see, never master all the challenges facing me, never read all the books I'd love to, never connect sufficiently with all the people I'd want to, and never learn all the things I want to learn. "Time is the enemy," I kept thinking all day as I wrangled with stupid internet problems. Mind you, I do not have a terminal illness as far as I know, so it was just depressive thinking about inevitable endings and limitations.

Meanwhile, a bit of context: I was sitting at home on a rainy day, looking out at my beautiful garden, having done a rigorous workout in my fully equipped gym, intermittently chatting with my loving son and future daughter-in-law, petting the cat.

That evening, my husband came home, and in an excited, conspiratorial tone, spoke for the group, telling me we were all going to some new restaurant in Sanford, Maine. (?????) It was just a bit fishy, as Sanford is the nondescript, country town you go through to go to our lake, not a place for a special birthday. I knew something was up when "en route," we turned into the driveway of our good friends Kathy and John, who greeted us with a wonderful surprise party complete with "Happy Birthday Susan!" signs all over their giant, food and drink-filled kitchen. The evening was filled with fun and laughter, as we told stories, ate, drank, and played "Catch Phrase," as though there was a winner's prize worth millions. Then this morning, my family again treated me like a queen, as we celebrated at a lovely brunch, telling jokes, opening presents, and marveling at the persistent rain.

So, as I finish this post, I'm now one year older, with obviously less time ahead, but lots more loving and living to do, and much to be thankful for.

Happy Birthday to me!