Connect With Your Partner

If you're like most people, you've probably spent the last few weeks running around getting and wrapping gifts, sending cards, preparing for parties, dolling up your house with holiday decorations, cooking, baking, returning "off" gifts, cleaning up the mess, etc. You've also probably been in more public, social situations than you normally are in, attending to friends and family. As a result, how much time and energy have you reserved for your partner? Any hugs? Kisses? Words of appreciation? Any special private moments? If the answer is a humble, "Not really," then here's a little exercise which costs nothing, takes no time, and can stimulate re-connection:

When you're separated from your partner in a social situation like a party or some event, make eye contact with him or her and discretely tug on your earlobe. When you're in a crowd, this little private gesture can signal to your partner that you're thinking of him/her, and love him/her. It's an intimate non-verbal communication affirming your connection with each other, especially when your relationship seems to be taking back seat to the needs of other people. Try it - you'll be amazed at the energy surge you create between you two!

If you find yourself generally wishing for better communication, deeper connection and less conflict in your relationship, and could use an intense dose of fun help with this, then join mediator and conflict coach, Meredith Richardson, and me for a weekend retreat designed to improve your communication skills, and re-connect you with each other. January 18-20, 2014 at the Inn at Bath, Bath, Maine. An intimate experience for six couples only.

*Deadline for registration is Wednesday, January 1st.

For more information or to register, CALL: 207-439-4267

EMAIL : meredithmediates@aol.com

"Hot Tips For A Cold Marriage" 12/12/13 7 PM BlogTalk Radio Show

In this one hour episode I co-host with Meredith Richardson, a highly sought New England conflict management specialist who works as a Mediator, Facilitator, Trainer, Conflict Coach, and Collaborative Lawyer in Maine and New Hampshire. 

Coming from very different fields, we will deal with the issues of connection, communication and conflict in marriage, discussing how some simple shifts in perspective and behavior can can help to change a cold, distant marriage into a much warmer, fulfilling partnership.

Don't miss this vital episode if you're currently married, divorced, or ever hope to be married again - (this time, happily). Join us live on the air with questions or comments, by calling toll-free: 877-497-9046

Better Communication, Deeper Connection and Reduced Conflict

Newsflash! I will be conducting a couples retreat with my friend and colleague, Meredith Richardson, a mediator and conflict coach on the weekend of January 18 - 20, 2014, at the Inn at Bath, Maine.

The title of this special retreat geared for six couples only is "I'm Talking! Are You Listening? A Couples Retreat For Better Communication, Deeper Connection and Reduced Conflict."
Join us for this weekend designed to improve your communication skills and reconnect you and your partner in an historic inn on the beautiful coast of Maine.

This holiday season, give your loved one the gift that keeps on giving - a weekend experience designed to help the two of you to fall in love with each other all over again.
You're worth it!

Space is limited - only six couples, so call now for more information, or to register.
CALL: 207-439-4267
EMAIL: meredithmediates@aol.com

"What To Do When You Hate Your Job - Tips For You and Your Spouse" BlogTalk Radio show 11/6/13 8:30 PM

Hate your job? Or does your spouse hate his/her job?
If so, you don't want to miss this episode featuring guest career expert Andrea St. Jean. We'll be looking at the impact of job misery on individuals and their partners, and how certain attitudes and actions can make all the difference.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in or to join us live on the air with questions or comments.
If you can't make the live show, go to www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to find the recording.
Hope you can join us!

Happy Halloween! Remember To Take Love Where You Find It!

                      It may be Halloween, but don't let love scare you away!

Information Overload

I spent all day today taking an online social media training. I think I learned a lot, but it's hard to say, as I'm now in "brain scramble" mode. Is it just me, or do any of you get totally overwhelmed when you learn a bunch of new, foreign things? I end up feeling excited/inadequate/determined/bewildered/curious, etc.  It's odd, because when I teach people in relationships new skills I always encourage them to not get too fancy or hard on themselves - to incorporate and practice baby steps until they get more proficient, and to congratulate themselves on little pieces of progress.

I think I'll try to take my own advice, and not stay up till the crack of dawn attempting to master the new information in one fell swoop. So, if my Instagrams appear upside down, or my Facebook posts show my own "likes," or my Tweets have five redundant hashtags, please be patient while this old dog learns some new tricks. And I'll try being patient with myself... ;-)

Fix Something By Doing Nothing

I think that procrastination and lack if action get a raw deal in our culture. In Latin countries they extol the virtue of "Mañana," the concept of getting to things tomorrow, another day. They seem to live in a more relaxed way, not as stressed with the immediacy of the "to-do" list as we are in the U.S.  So, I've developed a handy mechanism borrowed from that mindset, to solve some problems in a more carefree way. Here are some examples:

• Going through the mail: Instead of sorting through all the obvious junk mail to see where you'll get a great deal, just ignore it for a few weeks. You'll then notice that all the coupons for $1. lattes, $15. oil changes and $1. burgers have expired! Dump it all and problem solved!
• Responding to emails: Instead of scrupulously answering the hundreds or thousands of inbox communications, do nothing with the ones that aren't from loved ones or creditors. You'll be amazed at how the rest of the pile just seems to fade in importance and relevance. Again, most of the "deals" which seemed so compelling a few weeks ago, will likely have expired, and somehow you'll go on living.
• The TV remote, your answering machine, your fax and your printer going haywire: I've found that if I ignore the malfunctions for a few weeks, it not only forces me to engage less with my devices, but it also gives them time to fix themselves, which they usually do!
• Folding the laundry: Instead of stressing about the enormous pile of towels, sheets and underwear in the clean basket, simply pull out what you need each day. Before you know it, the basket will be empty and nobody (unless Martha Stewart is visiting), will know or care that you've done nothing in the folding department. If they do care, maybe you should re-think that relationship...
• Cleaning the garage: Instead of making weekly dates with yourself to thin out all the junk you've collected, do nothing and let it accumulate until there's a hurricane or snowstorm predicted. Then you'll be amazed to see how quickly and efficiently you clear out the debris in time to save your car from total destruction.

So, I say "Don't worry, be happy! Do nothing, and sometimes you'll accomplish a lot!"

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS.  If this attitude creates a lot of guilt for you, or you suffer from perfectionism or compulsivity, feel free to contact me for some in-person or remote sessions. Call my office at 603-431-7131 for an appointment.

Marital Conspiracies

"All you need to do is to augment the salad."

It's what I say to my husband Thom about three times a week when we touch base before coming home from a long day at work. He generally calls and asks what the deal is for dinner on a midweek night. I know he's exhausted, and won't be very chirpy about doing anything elaborate for an evening meal when neither of us have given any time or thought to it. So, I tell him this, even when the leftover "salad" now consists of three pathetic pieces of lettuce and a lonely chunk of tomato in the bottom of a giant bowl. (Not to mention the fact that there's nothing else in sight for dinner). I know if Thom gets home first he'll add Spring Mix, onions, tomatoes, celery, carrots, pumpkin seeds, nectarines, Feta or Blue cheese and who knows what else to the salad he's "augmenting." But if I ask for that beforehand, my sweet natured hubby will get very cranky - and I don't want to come home to a cranky hubby at the end of a long day with cranky clients.

"Augment the salad" has now become code for any unsavory requests we want to make more palatable, by minimizing them to each other. Last night it was putting the kayak holder on my car in the dark, so I'd be ready for today's excursion to Newcastle at the crack of dawn. Two days ago, it was re-attaching a rewired lamp to the wall by my reading/writing chair. On Tuesday before going to work I had to "augment" his "salad" by helping him haul and unload a house-sized trailer of brush to the dump (which was then closed!) Two days before that, it was a "five minute job" of helping him take four air conditioners out of their windows and into the garage. The "salad" list goes on and on.
It's a weird, conspiratorial folly we embrace by default.

So, how do you "augment the salad" in your marriage?

"75 Habits For A Happy Marriage" BlogTalk Radio Show with Ashley Davis Bush 9/23/13 8 PM EST

Here we are at the end of another week. Has it been a loving one in your marriage or has it been the usual rut?

Did you kiss you spouse or tell him you love him?

Did you spend any quality time alone together talking openly about things that matter to each of you, or were you consumed with the kids, the bills, work, screen time or chores?

Did you make love or touch each other tenderly, or were you physically on separate planets?

Did you laugh when she said something cute?

Did you apologize after an argument?

If you answered "no" to most of these questions, then you might be in a marital rut!
You should NOT miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode tomorrow night, Monday, September 23rd at 8 PM EST! My co-host will be Ashley Davis Bush, a Huffington Post blogger, therapist, and the author of "Transcending Loss" and "Shortcuts To Inner Peace." We'll be discussing the goldmine of ideas for lasting marital happiness in her newly published book, "75 Habits For A Happy Marriage."
You don't have to go to the south of France to refresh your marriage. There are tons of small, everyday things you and your spouse can do to revive a wilting marriage or keep a happy one, happy!

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments. We'd love to have you! If you can't make it, go to The Couplespeak Relationship Forum on BlogTalk Radio, and you'll find the recorded show shortly after we air it.

Happy marriage,
Susan Lager

Facebook Envy

I hate Facebook. I hate all the posturing, self promotion, and mental masturbation which is so common on that medium. I hate all the PR falsehoods,  the whole idea that anyone can have 3,000 "friends"! I don't want to know all the graphic, obsessive details of Barbie's awful time cleaning up Fido's poop, and how it's ruined the grass she paid thousands to maintain. I hate all the wasted time millions of people around the world are committing by living online, and not in their lives. I hate the fact that as a business person I have to have some Facebook presence to not become a dinosaur. I hate the marital violations and boundary crossings committed on Facebook which I work so hard to repair with couples. I hate the whole "faux intimacy" it generates, making face-to-face relationships seem so flat by comparison.

What I hate most of all is the envy it creates through all these illusions. I see so much unnecessary self-devaluation getting fueled by what Martha Beck refers to as "FOMO" - Fear of Missing Out, the idea that everyone else's life is so fabulous, and they've all gone to a giant daily party that is exclusive.

If you ever have this experience of envy when you read other people's posts on Facebook, then I have some tools for you which you may find helpful. I'll share one here:

• Think of what you are reading about other people as just the corner of the picture frame. You are looking at the outside trimming, not the substance in the picture. It's the part people want you to see, not the real internal deal. Would you buy a painting just because the frame looked good? Probably not. Trust that for all the ideal looking vacations, parties, connections, and fun stuff people are posting about, they too have disappointments, frustrations, hurts, and heartbreaks. Barbie may tell you about her dog poop dilemma, but probably won't share her deepest issues. (If she does on that forum, then her boundaries are bad, or she needs attention and a good therapist.)

Hopefully, the next time you cruise the Facebook site you'll take it all with a grain of salt, and stay with the goodness you experience in your own life.

* If you'd like some one-on-one help with envy of any kind, I have other strategies which may be useful to you. Feel free to contact me at my Portsmouth office at 603-431-7131 for a live or remote session.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

www.SusanLager.com

End of Summer 2013

Unbelievably, we've already arrived at the last week before Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer. Here in New Hampshire, parents are sending their kids off to school this week! Mercifully, in Maine, where I live, nobody goes back to school until after Labor Day, but even then, everyone groans about letting go of the long, langorous days of summer. (Except parents who are sick of their kids).

I've had a terrific summer with boating, hiking (light), swimming in the ocean and lakes, barbecues, reading, friends, family, and some wonderful long weekends away at lovely new places. I've also taken somewhat of a break from the internet to be outside more, doing active things. So, I can't complain about it all coming to an end soon, as we in New England enter the Arctic Freeze Winter for the next seven or so months.

If you're feeling blue about the transition, I'd encourage you to think of it this way: Would summer be as special to you if it were all year round? If you think "Yes!" then you should move to Florida or the Carribbean! If you thought "No way!" then savor what you've experienced this past summer. If you didn't experience much, then begin making a list of the things you will commit to doing next summer, so you don't continue the "regret cycle." (You might also need some new friends who get you out more).

Another thing you can do is to anticipate all the delightful things about the Fall and Winter. Look forward to more "tuck in" time with more opportunities for indoor activities and more reflection. Won't it be nice to not feel pressure to be outside so much doing fabulous things? If you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (depression related to lower levels of light), do the therapeutic "light therapy." Anticipate the beauty of the changed color palette outdoors with all the invigorating things you can do outside if you're dressed properly. Look forward to Fall and Winter rituals and holidays. And of course, you can also look forward to next summer. It will be here before you know it....

Changing The Routine

If you are a regular reader of mine, you may have noticed that I've been lax in the blogging department for most of the summer.
I've given myself permission to get out of my chair, off the internet, and to have a different kind of fun! I love talking to you all, I love writing and sharing things, but I get sick of the internet in the summer! I happen to live on the southern coast of Maine, which is filled with fantastic places to go, and interesting things to do, so I feel compelled to change up my routine, get outside more, be more social and PLAY!

Changing your routine from time to time can be an invigorating experience. The sense of novelty ramps up good chemicals in your brain, especially if you're doing some new or different things with a friend or partner.
The change can expose you to new activities or people you may really enjoy.
You're likely to learn stuff as you expand and switch up your repertoire.
Then, the ironic result may be that when you resume your usual routine, you approach it with fresh eyes and ears, and are likely to be more appreciative of your life as it was!

Don't Miss My Next Blogtalk Radio Episode: 6 Cures For A Really Bad Mood 7/31/13 8:30 PM EDT

We all suffer a bad mood from time to time. It's never fun, but can be a more lasting, contagious experience, or a briefer, more benign annoyance, depending on how you manage it.
Tune into my next BlogTalk Radio show Wednesday, July 31st at 8:30 PM EDT for a half hour discussion about tools to contain and transform a bad mood.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in, or to join me on the air with questions, comments or ideas of your own. Hope you can be there!

Susan Lager

Summer Brain

Every summer I encounter a similar thing: friends, family, colleagues and clients running around, off their usual structured schedules, forgetting appointments, late for dates, and all out of whack.
I call it Summer Brain because maybe the heat and humidity, (and now the torrential rain), seeps into everyone's head and acts like a blender, mixing everything up. People who are usually so precise and committed to dates, times, goals and schedules now all seem to have A.D.D. !

As a therapist, I've learned not to take it too personally, knowing it's seasonal, and in the Northeast it's probably related to the frenetic pace around capitalizing on the measly duration of warm weather.
I make use of the found time when clients forget their appointments by filing, returning calls, organizing my desk, and wondering why I haven't caught the Summer Brain bug? Unfortunately, when I charge clients for these missed appointments they often get annoyed, probably wondering what's wrong with my brain.

But hey, it's summer! We could all instead be shoveling two feet of snow off our roofs, then shivering in our freezing cars, negotiating black ice, and praying for summer!

Life is a trip.....

Unplugged - The Joys and The Freedom!

If you're a regular reader here, maybe you've noticed my absence for the last several weeks. It's been the dog days of summer here in New England, raining nonstop, then boiling hot, then more rain. In spite of the weird weather, we in the Northeast treasure our summers ferociously, trying to capitalize on the three months of the year when snow and blizzards are unlikely. So, I too have been haunting the beaches, the lakes and the mountains, rain or shine. But, most notably, I've been almost completely unplugged from my devices (except for my professional voicemail), and LOVING IT!!!
For weeks now, no blogging, no radio shows, no YouTube videos, hardly a tweet, no clever Facebook entries, no LinkedIn updates, no book drafts, no cellphone calls, nothing!!

Instead of daily "tech dialysis" I've gone tooling around without the world being able to contact me, and the only one who even seems to notice is my husband who thinks it's inconsiderate. (We're working on a compromise).
I've gone to lunches and dinners with people I enjoy having conversations with, instead of whining to tech support.
I've gotten off my laptop and rekindled connections with colleagues and old friends. (They're still alive!)
I've actually been reading books and magazines just for fun! Freedom from emails and Google!
I've been preparing for my boating license test, learning all about "starboard stand-on" versus "port give-way," halyards, double clove knots, and such vital things I'll need to know on the waterways when I'm supposedly "manning the vessel."
I've gone on hikes, bike rides, and car rides in the countryside instead of doing professional gigs.
I've nurtured my garden, watered the lawn, planted new beds, and fought Japanese beetles instead of
battling scam sites and internet viruses.
I've visited other cities, just for fun trips to see the sites. (Cheated a bit with some book promo).
I've watched movies, plays and silly TV shows without any "productive justification."
And miraculously, without all the internet busyness, I've gone to sleep most nights at a normal hour, not on my usual vampire schedule!
I'm telling you, getting unplugged can be a total joy! How novel - life without devices! Try it!

Big Summer Cheers,
Susan Lager

Dreading Another Birthday? Here's An Antidote....

I recently turned a big number. WAY too big for comfort. I had been feeling a bit blue about my upcoming birthday, thinking about how lousy aging can be - worsening vision, hanging flesh, age spots, the need for Shingles shots, people you know dying, more aches and pains, and worst of all, time running out!

Even so, I greatly enjoyed our family's four day celebration marking the event in Philly. After the weekend, I spent the actual day of my birthday off from work with the plan of doing intense "self nurture," something I'm always yapping to my clients about needing to do for themselves. I felt a bit blue, however,  thinking about how fast life had gone by, so I went for a speed walk by the river nearby, feeling a bit lighter immediately. I immersed myself in gardening, cleaning out the beds and planting beautiful new perennials. Felt even better at that point. But the thing that really changed the day into something lovely was a simple thought. As a Baby Boomer, I realized what an amazing group of fearless, feisty, groundbreakers my generation was. We were the ones who initiated the women's movement, reinvented music, fought for racial equality and sexual freedom, peace, love, and FUN, FUN, FUN!
I was a member of the club that transformed the world, and was now entering their last chapter of life. To celebrate, I brought out my stack of 60's Rock CD's, pumped up the volume (poor Dave next door!), and danced for hours, joyous to be at this place in my life, forever young.

So, if you're dreading another birthday yourself, connect with all the amazing people in your own generation, celebrate your contributions, and enjoy the rest of the ride!

Cheers,
Susan Lager

BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight 9 PM EST: The Marriage Fitness Test. Don't Miss It!

Tonight I'll be discussing a brief test you and your spouse can take to determine how stressed or strong your marriage is. You then can hone in on the areas needing work in a targeted way.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 at 9 PM EST for this fact-filled half hour show. You can just listen in or call in with questions or comments.

Hope you can join me! Your marriage will love it!

Susan Lager

Sisterly Love

I'm just returning from a whirlwind weekend in NYC with my little sister, Laura. We went to galleries, an amazing museum, tooled all around the city window shopping, people watching, eating ethnic food, and yakked till 5 AM each night the way only sisters who love each other can. Of course, I couldn't resist the urge to coach her on ways to improve her life, and her relationship with herself. She in return nurtured me with 5 star hotel type service and thoughtfulness. What a joy it is for me to have sisters (I have two) whom I love and enjoy!
If you're lucky enough to have a sister or two of your own, remember they'll always be there with and for you, if you allow them to, so count your blessings and treasure them!

Getaways And Your Sanity

At this writing, I'm on a C & J express bus to my old stomping ground, New York City, for a weekend with my little sister. I'm a strong believer in short getaways as a way of refueling, particularly if the getaway gets you away from your spouse for awhile. That may sound cold, but sometimes a little space has a big positive impact on a marriage. How, you ask?

1. You reconnect with separate friends and relatives on your own without worrying about the mix with a spouse who may not share your enthusiasm for jewelry shopping, lattes, and schmoozing.

2. You re-experience your individual selves which brought you two together. My husband will probably be doing yard work till midnight, watching the news for hours each morning, eating no vegetables except for vodka (made from potatoes), puttering around his workshop, answering no calls, and fondling his new camera he's afraid of using. He'll be in Introvert Heaven. I'll be tooling around the city with my baby sister, bossing her around, buying makeup and doodads, going to museums if it rains, people watching, yakking with strangers, and eating every ethnic thing in sight. I'll be in Extrovert Heaven.

3. You break up the sometimes oppressive routine of your life with more consciousness. In my case, I was amazed to see how many vitamins and creams and solutions and meds I take on any given day just to go on living! I could barely fit it all in my suitcase! I like to think of myself as robust and traveling lightly on this Earth. Apparently, not so....

4. You appreciate all the comforts of home in a renewed way. I don't usually get excited about having a level, stable surface to type on, but today, with the bus jiggling and swaying, I'm realizing how special it is to have tables and desks to put my laptop on, and not worry it will go flying off into the yonder. Small things.....

5. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because I'm a bit morbid and fatalistic, I don't presume I'll make a safe return from ANYWHERE, so I kissed my husband goodbye four times, and hugged him as though I was leaving for a tour of duty in Afghanistan. And now that the bus is approaching the slums of the city limits, I miss him already..... :-|

Happy weekend!

Susan Lager

PS. Get a still early copy of my new book, now newly anointed with the Couplespeak™ trademark! If you live long enough, it may be considered an important 21st century artifact! On Amazon:

http://amzn.to/WBK83q

"Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy"

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Right about now, every year I think I should probably pack up my pajamas, grab a cot and move into Home Depot. Come Spring, every free minute gets chewed up by trips to H.D. to get countless bags of mulch, new rakes, river stones, grass seed, bug spray, weedkiller, pavers, sand, annuals, fertilizer, loam, paint and various kinds of rented equipment like powerwashers, sodcutters and the like. And that's just for the outside of the house!

It's very easy to get totally overwhelmed reflecting on the dollars spent making Home Depot richer. It's also depressing to see how each year it gets harder to recoup at night after the backbreaking home and garden toil. But as my husband and I hobble around for a garden walk afterward, scanning the fruits of our (slave) labor, we invariably "ooh" and "ah" in delight at the beautiful, orderly outcome. That's the point where I also swear I'll never do the mulching myself again, and where he takes an oath about never re-seeding the lawn himself again. We promise each other we'll keep that promise. Till next Spring......

BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight: "Open Communication" at 8:30 PM EST

Don't miss my next BTR episode, "Open Communication" tonight at 8:30 PM EST!
It's a short, half hour show all about key pointers to foster closer
conversations leading to more understanding between partners.

Open communication is partly about timing and the subject matter, but
more importantly, about the use of language. Tune into this show and
learn some vital tips in this area.
Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to just listen or to join me on the air
with questions or comments. Hope you can make it!

Susan Lager

Gone Fishing (Again!)

I'm a very regimented person. I get up at the same time each day, do the morning teeth and face cleanse, make a cup of coffee, balance my accounts, pay some bills, answer my voicemail, check my email, do some dishes, dead-head the garden flowers, make my lunch, do a workout, watch the news, eat the same breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, drive to my office, see some clients, return more voicemails, grab the same lunch, see more clients, answer more voicemails, schmooze with colleagues, drive home, make some calls, change clothes, go for a garden walk, have some dinner with my husband, watch more news, watch a TV episode, do some writing, do some reading, and go to bed. Then it all starts and ends the same way the next day until the weekend when it's a different, slightly more exotic routine.

I'm also very governed by "shoulds" like, "I should keep appointments", "I should work out six days a week", "I should be more patient", "I should always be learning", "I should write in my blog", "I should write another article", "I should work on my next book", "I should finish my membership site", I should prepare for my radio show", "I should get my finances ready for the accountant and Quickbooks", "I should go to more plays and concerts", "I should answer my Facebook messages", "I should volunteer", "I should go back to Italy", "I should lose twenty pounds", "I should be a better friend, sister, mother, and wife", "I should exfoliate more often", "I should talk more slowly", "I should stretch daily", "I should clean the refrigerator".  (On and on, and on, and on.....) It's a wonder I'm not depressed!

So, I've challenged all my "shoulds," and given myself a break from blogging, writing, etc. to be outside this Spring "enjoying" hauling mulch, spreading stones, raking, planting and painting. (Ain't life grand!) I've once again put up a sign saying, "Gone Fishing"!!!!!!!!

If any of this "good girl" routine sounds familiar to you, remember that sometimes, for some of us, "goofing off" and "breaking the rules" is a good thing.

I should go to bed,

Susan Lager

Staying In The Couplespeak™ Game

As a couples therapist I routinely talk to my clients about the ambiguous road ahead of them in working on repairing and enriching their relationships. The work is generally fraught with uncertainty and likely setbacks, as is the case with most hard earned changes. This discussion always involves the issue of what each partner needs to "stay in the game," or what would they minimally require of themselves and each other to maintain hope, energy and good faith in the process.

What each of us needs to "stay in the game" applies to any endeavor which doesn't produce immediate lovely results. Last week, after three years of often grueling work, I received my official documentation awarding me the trademark for the name "Couplespeak." I had invented the name for a division of my company which would provide coaching products and services live and online. Getting the trademark with proprietorial rights to the name required me to write books, articles, eBooks, develop workshops, training programs, blogs, videos, a BlogTalk Radio program, and to manage multiple internet platforms.

Mind you, all the while I've had a full time private psychotherapy practice, and started with very little interest in the internet and tech devices three years ago. But I loved the name "Couplespeak," and believed that if I could live long enough I could grow it into something really significant. The whole process required that to finish, I stay in the game, the Couplespeak game. I had to devise ways of making myself accountable, and maintaining my passion for the project. I had to enlist the support of my friends and family. I had to learn when to take breaks and when to force myself back into the effort. Just as anyone requires in any big, meaningful project, I needed to keep up my faith in myself, and my faith in the work itself. And now, just as anyone would, I'll need to allow this "finish" to become the remarkable start of something else, a new game.....

Best Regards,
Susan Lager
www.SusanLager.com
PS.  For copies of my new books about staying sane in the relationship game,
go to Amazon:  http://amzn.to/12ALenB  

BlogTalk Radio Show "The Power of An Apology" 3/27/13 8:30 PM EST

Don't miss my  BTR show tonight about this very hot topic!


 Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with questions, comments or to just listen.

Conscious Relationships - How Awake Are You?

I have recently come out of my annual tax trance - the time of year when I'm so immersed in columns of figures and tabulations that a meteor could hit the house and I'd barely notice it. Luckily, my impression is that this oblivious state seems to abate in mid March when I return to my usual therapist's occupational hazard of incessantly questioning and noticing things.

I like to think that I'm generally pretty committed to a process of self-examination, particularly in my relationships. It's a daily practice, though, to do this, kind of like working out or maintaining good sleep habits. Like sobriety, it's easy to fall off the wagon and go back into a behavioral and attitudinal trance at any point, so I'll share a few of the 20 key questions I've devised that you can reflect upon in order to be more awake in your relationships:

1. What am I most insecure about?
2. What defenses do I use to protect myself emotionally?
3. How might these defenses be hurtful to others?
4. Are there other, more benign defenses I could use?
5. Do I apologize when I've been out of line? If so, how?
6. Do I self-medicate with substances? If so, how, when, and with whom?
7. What would happen if I were more open?

If you start with these questions, and are honest with yourself about what you see, I think you'll open up a process of taking more responsibility for yourself, and move toward being more awake in your relationships. For more details about the other 13 key "consciousness questions," as well as a wealth of information about how to thrive in all your partnerships, grab a copy of my new workbook, "Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy" available in paperback, and now also as an eBook on Amazon at:

http://amzn.to/12ALenB 

I know you'll enjoy it!

Susan Lager

Tax Time Crazies - Same Insanity, New Year....

(It's been almost a year since I entered this post, but I'm submitting it AGAIN to make a painful point: This part of our lives seems to never change! The only major difference I've noted in this department was the year I hired a new accountant, one with a great sense of humor who helps me laugh at all this, just a bit. I refer to hiring Gene as a huge "emotionally corrective experience." But as for the rest of it, I'd rather eat glass). Read on and see why.....

Every year starting in March, and going through April 15th, most everyone I know, myself included, gets weirded out about taxes. Preparing them for the accountant, realizing all the money spent on ridiculous things, waiting to find out the verdict about what's owed or what, if anything will be refunded, then PAYING FOR IT! Most dining room tables have long been lost to piles of papers, documenting finances for the past year. Some tables, I hear, have remained in "tax mode" for years!

It's a little bit like pregnancy and childbirth. The buildup is literally and figuratively huge, the event is unnerving, but then, thankfully it's over and forgotten - until the next time around.

The one consolation is that you are not alone. Thousands and thousands of people procrastinate to the very end when dealing with taxes. (I have clients who were just beginning the whole process this week!) Thousands more are checking their mailboxes daily to get the package back from the accountant telling them if they're screwed or not. (I see at least one neighbor doing this each day.)

Everyone moans about it. Nobody has a viable alternative though, if you like having drivable roads, safe bridges, public schools, and such things.

My best advise? Remind yourself that:

1. This is the un-fun part of being an adult.

2. This too shall pass - at least until next year.......

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Surviving and Thriving After Trauma With a Partner's Support - BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight 2/27 8:30 PM EST

Don't miss my next BTR episode, "Surviving and Thriving After Trauma With A Partner's Support"
I'll be co-hosting with Michele Rosenthal, PTSD specialist and author of the critically acclaimed PTSD recovery book, Before The World Intruded.

We'll be discussing Michel's personal journey through trauma, and focusing on the strategies she used to help her overcome PTSD. We'll also be exploring the appropriate expectations and roles for partners in this process.

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM EST to just listen, or to join us on the air with questions or comments.

Hope you can join us!

Tucking In

Have you ever spent a weekend in solitude, tucked in doing various kinds of self care? If not, I'd recommend that you try it sometime, especially if your daily life / work involves intense contact with lots of people, (like my work as a psychotherapist).

I seem to spend one weekend in an extroverted mode, going places and doing things which involve a lot of social contact, then the next weekend living like a hermit, attending to the long personal "to do" list. This weekend I barely went outdoors, except for a few hot tubs, and an excursion to bring out the garbage! Instead, I tucked in yesterday during the snow, reading and writing in front of a roaring fire, cooking, doing book work, having a lovely workout in my gym, and visiting briefly with family when they were here. I thought about going for a snowshoe hike, but that seemed like too much work in the wind and the cold.

Today was equally lovely - up late, a long, Pilates workout, writing letters, answering emails, doing laundry, petting the cat, and just hanging out!

If you can overcome some negative self-talk about behaving like a sloth, the whole idea of slowing down and "going internal" can be absolutely delicious. Everything in our world is geared to rushing around and packing multiple things into a "productive" day. I find it oppressive at times. I'd definitely recommend reconnecting with yourself in a quiet, caring way, with some regularity. Just remember to brush your teeth and get some exercise, and you'll be fine....... ;-)

PS.  For a fun read all about communication tools and skills, you can now buy a copy of my new workbook "Communication Problems Gone With Simple 5 Minute Fixes" available exclusively on the Store page of my website at: http://wp.me/P1ayQF-yV

Here Comes The Snow!

So far, about ten inches of fluffy white snow, lots of wind, freezing temperature, but the power is still on! Life in New England is never boring. Here we all sit, tucked in, waiting for at least another 1 1/2 feet of snow during the blizzard of 2013 as Spring is supposedly around the corner.

My brother-in-law Joe says, "Move to Florida and have other things to talk about except the unpredictable weather! Enjoy 80 degree sunshine almost every day!"
I say, "How boring! We love our tumultuous weather, and our ritual hand-wringing about shoveling, freezing our butts, losing our power, and cherishing our generators! Besides, if I moved to Florida, I'd be surrounded by traffic, people and buildings everywhere! We're New Englanders! We love our mountains, our forests, our ocean, our countryside, our changing seasons, our history, our lobster, our accents, our fireplaces, our N'oreasters, and even our "almost Spring blizzards"!

(Now, this weekend as my family heads up to Sunday River to tackle the slopes covered with a fresh two feet of snow, hopefully my adventurous spirit will prevail, I won't have heart failure being back on skis for the first time in ten years since my knee gave out, and I'll remember my own speech about how lovely it is to be wild in New England)......

Here's to the white stuff,
Susan Lager
PS.  Don't forget to get an early copy of my new book, "Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime of Therapy." I think you'll really like it! It's available on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/WBK83q

My new book is out! "Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy"

I am delighted to announce that FINALLY my new workbook, "Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime of Therapy" has been published and is available as a paperback on Amazon! It's a goldmine of tools and skills necessary for you to do better in any relationship. If I do say so myself, I think you'll LOVE it! (I do). Enjoy!

You can purchase it now on my CreateSpace eStore at: https://www.createspace.com/4077013

Or, you can get it on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/WBK83q

"Be A Better Partner With Self Awareness" BlogTalk Radio Show Using My New Book!

Tune into my BlogTalk Radio show, "Be A Better Partner With Self Awareness," Wednesday, January 30th at 8:30 PM EST. Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen or join me live on the air.

In this episode I'll explore the issue of how knowing one's own hangups can vastly improve any relationship.
Using some key tools from my newest workbook "Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy," I'll shares some vital questions we all must ask ourselves in order to be more conscious and loving in our partnerships. To get the book as a guide, go to: http://amzn.to/WBK83q

Don't miss this episode if you want to get a first peek at some of the simple, but very important questions you must start asking yourself to have happier relationships!

Down With The Flu

This photo tells it all. It's the way I've been feeling for the last two days, and that, even after a Flu shot!
What a shame with such grand plans for a weekend x-country skiing on an idyllic farm in Southern Maine! Four inches of packed powder, new snow on its way, and here I am, blowing my nose, sleeping all day and night, and thankful for my ability to keep down tea and chicken soup!

When we get sick, it feels horrible, but the bright side is that it forces people like me to SLOW DOWN,
WAY DOWN, and reevaluate how critical our ambitious little plans are in the big scheme of things.
It also gives our partners opportunities to nurture us with "holding down the fort," (dishes, laundry, shopping), as well as providing us with comforting remedies like Ginger ale, flu medicines, and in my husband's case, a big pot of chicken soup he learned how to make on his own!

So before the fever breaks, I think I'll take it all in and try to flow with the state of sloth, knowing it only comes around once in a few years!

Down With The Flu

BlogTalk Radio Show Year In Review Summary. (You asked for it!)

On January 2, 2013 I did my last BlogTalk Radio Show, "2012 Year In Review. Options For Looking Back, Then Forward." It was a very successful episode with quite a few live listeners, and nearly 500 "listens" to the recorded show in the five days since then! As per your many requests, I'm posting the two types of reviews here, each creating a very different sense of things, and a different spin on your life, looking back, then forward.
To hear the recorded show in its entirety, go to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

If you're doing your own 2012 Year In Review you could reflect back in the most common way on these things:

• how much money you made or didn't

• how often your body broke down with illness

• how many vacations you went on, and if they were worth the cost, and the time you took off

• how much weight you gained or lost

• if you finally stopped smoking or not

• how your spouse drove you crazy

• which friends let you down, and how

• if you got your house de-cluttered or not

• who had a messy affair; who got divorced

• who died and how

• your failures at work

• how much you wasted your gym membership

• your guilt about not reading more books

• your disappointments as a parent

• tragedies which occurred, making you paranoid

• the huge amount of taxes you paid or now owe

(Blah, blah, blah....) Any others I’ve missed?

Or you could do this kind of Year In Review:

• what were my major accomplishments at work?

• what positive steps did I take in my marriage?

• how was I more thoughtful and loving to my family?
• 
  
• 
  
• did I do any better at setting appropriate limits around time asked of me?

•  how well did I take care of myself physically?

• did I expand myself intellectually and spiritually?

• what major lessons did I learn in 2012?

      

•  did I have enough fun this past year?

• did I stand up for what's important to me?

• what did I model for my children?

• was I a generous enough friend to the people I care about?

• whose accomplishments brought me joy?

Get the difference? After you have (hopefully) chosen the latter set of reflections, you have a beginning template for an even better 2013!  For help regarding negative self talk, feel free to contact me at my office at 603-431-7131 to set up an appointment for some brief psychotherapy work.

Tune into my next show on Wednesday, Jan. 30th.  And have a happy, productive and meaningful New Year!

2012 Year In Review BlogTalk Radio Episode January 2nd 8:30 PM

Don't miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode, "2012 Year In Review, Options For Looking Back, Then Forward." I'll be broadcasting at 8:30 PM EST, encouraging a conversation with callers who can join me live on the air by calling toll-free 877-497-9046. We'll be dealing with choices we all have about what markers we focus on, and how that may impact our experience of reflection, as well as our attitudes about the future. It should be interesting!

If you can't make the live show, you can listen to the archived episode at:
www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager