"Quieting the Noise in Your Head" BlogTalk Radio Podcast Wed. 11/28/18 8:30 PM EST

"You'll never finish that project!"
 "You're a loser!"
"You're too fat and nobody will find you attractive!"
"You're unlovable!"
"You're mean and selfish!"

Chances are, at one point or another in time you've heard that noise in your head - the oppressive voices of self doubt and self denigration. You probably also have experienced the toxic impact this self talk can have, freezing you out of effective action, isolating you, exhausting or overwhelming you.

If you relate to this, then I'd recommend that you tune into my next half hour BlogTalk Radio podcast on Wednesday, November 28th at 8:30 PM EST at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

If you'd prefer you can call live into the studio with questions or comments at toll-free 877-497-9046.
I'll be discussing this topic, sharing key tools for quieting the noise in your head, such as naming The Voice and understanding the setup ingredients, among others. You don't want to miss this podcast! It could help you lower anxiety, self doubt and your stress response!

*If you'd like some individual help with this issue outside the podcast, feel free to call my confidential voicemail at: 603-431-7131 to make an appointment.

Persistence - Some Signs Indicating Whether It's Working For or Against You

Persistence - Some Signs Indicating if It's Working for You or Not (Barley's Persistence): There in the water is Barley, our grand-dog whom we've been dog sitting for during the past week while our son and daughter-in-law were away at a wedding. We adore Barley, who is very sweet and smart, and unbelievably persistent - possibly partly due to his being half Border Collie and half German Shepherd, both working dogs bred for their determination around completing tasks. What you see above is a moment in time while Barley was in our favorite lake by our boat, swimming around and fetching the ball. What the shot doesn't reveal is that he did this ALL DAY NONSTOP, even when we tried to coax him back into the boat. He was doing his thing, having a blast, enjoying the whole experience. Persistence generally works fine for him. If you think of yourself as being persistent how would you know if it's working for or against you? Persistence can be double edged - it can veer into obsessiveness, alienation and empty efforts creating undue frustration. So, here are some signs to observe to help you determine how your persistence may be a positive or a negative around certain activities and attitudes: 1. Are you having fun in the process or is your blood pressure just getting elevated? 2. Have you issued some sort of disclaimer related to the time you need, or negotiated it with a partner, or are you isolating around your efforts in a way others may find rude or hurtful? 3. Are you experiencing some desired outcome for your efforts or would Barley think that you're barking up the wrong tree? 4. Are you maintaining balance and attending to other things needing your attention or is your persistence canceling out other important things on your agenda? 5. Are you respectful of other's time and energy or is the "bug in your bonnet" leading to excessive reminding, prompting or nagging to get others on board? These are only a few signs which might be good indicators of how persistence is working for you. The main point is to be conscious and intentional about it. It's okay when you're a dog to just "dive in" all day, but most of us don't have that luxury! Susan PS. If you need some outside help with this or any other issue feel free to contact me to set up an appointment. I'd be glad to help! Couplesctr@gmail.com                                          603-431-7131

"Are You Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Take the Test and Make Changes If Needed" BlogTalk Radio Podcast Wed., 6/20 8:30 PM EST

Don't miss my next 30 minute BlogTalk Radio episode on Wednesday, June 20th at 8:30 PM EST:
"Are You Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Take the Test and Make Changes if Needed."
(If you're glued to your cell phone 24/7 then this episode is for you)!

Join me live with questions or comments by calling into the studio at 877-497-9046
Or stream the podcast at your convenience at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

I hope you can join me for this information-packed episode!

Avoidance and Denial - Not Such Effective Problem-Solving Strategies!

                     
So, here's a pretty gruesome picture of my poor thumb almost severed. Before you vomit or faint, please read on, so you can avoid creating a similar mess. (This is less of a story about blood and pain and more about how it happened).

My husband and I live in a lovely 40 year old home which has needed some window work for about the last 15 years. The windows are beautiful, all wooden framed and large, but all are what's called "guillotine" windows. Guillotines used to be used for chopping off people's heads, mostly during the French Revolution. When you're referring to a window that way it unfortunately functions in the same manner  - if you don't hold onto the top window while opening the bottom one, whatever is underneath gets chopped off, in this case almost my whole thumb, as per the nasty picture above. Fortunately, I got to the ER in time for the docs to sew the laceration back together, and now, three weeks later it's all in one piece again.

The moral of this little story, however, is that my husband and I used avoidance and denial about the window problem for many years rather than doing our research and finding out if, in fact, they all needed to be replaced (to the tune of about $30,000.) or if we could have them repaired (cost: $3000. and one intact thumb). We just pretended the problem wasn't really one, as we routinely positioned blocks of wood to keep windows open, or hammered top windows shut. It felt like one of those totally un-fun expenses, like getting a new septic tank or a new well, so we avoided it. The irony is that I pulled this little stunt at the beginning of the evening of my husband's birthday, so we "celebrated" him in the ER this year.

If you too have any issues which you've been coping with through avoidance and denial, it might be time to ask yourself what the ultimate price may be for your "problem solving" strategy. How might you be victimizing yourself in the long run? Who else might be negatively effected if you keep pretending the problem isn't really such a big deal? Might you be making a mountain out of a mole hill the way we did? Do you too have any body parts which might ultimately be compromised if you keep putting things off?
Think about it, and figure out some real solution to the problem...

Humbly,
Susan                                                                                                

Your Personal "Minefield" - Do You Know What's In It?

If you're like most people, chances are that you've had your share of triggering events, where you suddenly experience intense feelings which seem to come out of nowhere. You may or may not understand what stimulated your reaction, but probably have just had one of the "mines" in your personal "minefield" detonated!

In this twenty minute episode I reveal the issues around our "minefields" - areas of vulnerability created by past experiences and relationships. The podcast will help you learn to identify the nature of your "mines," how to manage yourself more effectively around them, and how to best bring your spouse or partner into the loop of empathy and responsiveness around those triggers.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to hear the podcast live and be able to join in with questions or comments. Or, you can stream the episode live from BlogTalk Radio.

If you can't make the live episode you can listen to the recording anytime afterward at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager or go to my website www.SusanLager.com and listen from the Webplayer at the bottom of the home page. One way or the other, you won't want to miss this vital podcast!

5 Strategies to Build Positive Traction in Marriage

In my profession as a psychotherapist specializing in couples work I have often encountered client complaints about positive gains they had achieved, but no traction around them in the past.

 

It reminds me of the old cynical joke the “regulars” at the gym would make about the Newbies who joined every January: that come March, these crowds would be gone, and we’d have the place to ourselves again. Sadly, it was always true – all the positive intentions and energy the January crowd brought didn’t last more than a month or two. They weren’t able to build traction in their exercise endeavors. And, whether you’re talking about sustained change in your exercise habits or sustained change in your marriage, the requirements are very similar.

 

If, as an example, you and your spouse would like to communicate more effectively, (the most common goal I encounter in my work with couples), you’ll need to use these five tools:

 

1. To make sure you’re moving steadily in the right direction it will require that you use a “map” of sorts. Where would you like to go? What is your destination? Be clear about what “getting there” looks like. Will there be more attentive listening? Will there be more clarity about wants and needs or more focus in your conversations? Establish clearly understood and definable goals.

 

2.  Be clear about what you’ll each need to stay with the journey. Reassurance from each other? Some type of break or pleasurable time out from the work? Positive feedback about the emergence of better conversations? In other words, what will you each need in the way of “supplies” to maintain your efforts?

 

3.  Establish markers of progress. What “sign posts” will you see on your “map” that will tell you you’re either moving in the right direction or going off course? Will you be spending more time together? Will you be sharing more confidences? Will more problems be solved? Will you feel calmer / happier together?

 

4.  Reward yourselves with acknowledgment about the meaning of the gains you’ve made. What has made your efforts worth it? Do you feel closer? Do you feel more committed to your marriage? If you have kids, are they calmer or happier around the two of you? Establish clear motivations to maintain the gains made.

 

5.  Celebrate your success as you reach your “destination.”  If, as an example, your conversations are flowing more freely with less defensiveness, celebrate your positive gains with something meaningful to both of you – go away for a special weekend, get a new “toy”, like new skis, or an upgraded TV, or even a special book you’ve wanted to read together. Celebrate your success with some material or quality time indulgence that punctuates your efforts and achievements.

 

Use these five tools to achieve traction around any gains you’ve made individually and together, so you don’t become like another “March dropout” at the gym!

 

 

 

Don't miss my Wednesday 2/28/18 8:30 PM EST BlogTalk Radio podcast: "Facing Divorce? How a Divorce Coach Could Make All the Difference!"

In this 45 minute podcast I'll meet with Lisa McNally, a mother of three who has 20+ years of experience working with divorcing individuals, couples and families in all aspects of family law matters including divorce, separation, child custody, co-parenting and parental rights.

Lisa is also a co-author of the Amazon best selling book Divorce: Taking the High Road: Simple Strategies for Creating a Healthy Divorce

As a Divorce Coach, Lisa supports and guides individuals experiencing divorce one-on-one, helping them navigate the often lengthy, stressful and convoluted process in a dignified way. Her clients benefit by having her by their side to help them make the best possible decisions for themselves and their children based on their unique interests, needs, concerns, and goals.

Tune into the podcast and learn:
- What Divorce Coaching is
- How it works
- The benefits to clients (support, guidance, cost savings, better outcomes, etc.)
- The benefits to attorneys
- How To Pursue it

Don't miss this vital podcast! You can call in live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM EST or listen to the recording at your convenience at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager
One way or another, I hope you can tune in!

Best,
Susan
PS. If you're on the fence about staying married and need help to make a confident decision about a direction for your marriage, you may be a candidate for Discernment Counseling. 
It's a form of brief treatment designed for couples on the brink. I am the only clinician in New Hampshire certified to do this delicate work, and would be glad to discuss the possibility of setting up an initial appointment with you. 

You can call my office voicemail at 603-431-7131 or email me at: couplesctr@gmail.com

 

Wanna Be a Happier Person? Get or Borrow a Dog!

Look at this face!

This is Tucker, my morning cup of joy. Every day at 9 AM he arrives at my breezeway door, sent by my next door neighbor, ball in mouth, ready for action. (Some days I wonder why I'm voluntarily getting out of a warm bed an hour early and heading into the "arctic" outdoors with this rambunctious canine)!

We traipse around our land playing Fetch or Tug of War for awhile, then we head onto the adjoining trails leading to either the bog or the nature path which goes through miles of farmland and woods. Tucker runs ahead, then waits at every turn for me to show up and cheer him on. When he's naughty he drops the ball and eats deer droppings or grabs onto giant five foot logs which he swings around, intending to haul back home. Once in awhile he obeys when I tell him to drop either the poop or the log. I'm persistent, so he's minding me more often lately. It's a work in progress...

For about four months here in Maine, any doubt I may have felt earlier in the morning about the effort to get up and out disappears completely once we're immersed in this winter wonderland. After the walk I take Tucker downstairs into my gym where he works at the peanut butter inside his Kong while I'm working out. When he's done he thanks me profusely with sloppy kisses, and I remind him how much I adore him. I then take him home next door, and return to the rest of my day feeling loved, useful, grateful, and filled with joy.

This is my happy place, communing with nature and a big, sweet, loving creature who enjoys the experience as much as I do. It's a morning ritual which sets the tone for good energy and connection with clients, family and friends. I start each day "in the moment" with intention and gratitude.

So, if you have a dog and can't roam the woods like I do in the morning, you can still make their walk a ritual of immersion in nature and love by just being present. If you don't have a dog, borrow one as I do, so you can also borrow their capacity for spontaneity and pleasure. Chances are, your friend or neighbor who loans him to you will appreciate the help, and you and the dog will benefit immensely from your special time together. Any affectionate touch will ramp up the happy bonding hormone Oxytocin in both of you. You'll begin the day with great self care and a full heart, and you'll be readier for whatever comes your way!

Cheers,
Susan                                                                                                                                                                                  
*PS. If you need help with the whole issue of self care and practices which promote positivity and joy, feel free to call me at 603-431-7131 to set up an appointment. I'd be glad to help! 

Contagion in relationships - what are you spreading or maybe catching?

I live in New England where right now in the middle of the winter of 2018 there seems to be a massive Flu epidemic. It's cited as being the worst in history, with people unwittingly passing it on to others who then do the same. It's a classic case of physiologic contagion. We're all advised about washing out hands, not sharing towels or utensils, and staying home if we have symptoms to avoid unnecessary spread of the illness which can be fatal.

But what about other forms of contagion? Who notices them and gives us tools to avoid spreading the unsavory?

Contagion in relationships is much like the Flu - if you get too close and aren't mindful, you'll catch, in this case, the emotional state of someone you may feel sympathy towards.

If your spouse is depressed and lolling around, if you aren't proactive you may end up "mirroring" them with similar body language and affect. We all seek people who will mirror us accurately as a form of bonding and connection, but when a loved one is very down or anxious, you want to be careful to not take on their attitude, but instead to feel compassion, and try to provide support. It's a fine line of difference.

If a friend is feeling hopeless about a relationship or job, you can listen and acknowledge their pain, maybe even ask if they'd like some suggestions or a reality check around their experience. But that's different from hanging around with them and getting into long, shared experiences about how partners or jobs are unreliable, and tapping into your own negative beliefs about these things. Then the feeling and attitude has been contagious. You've "caught" it.

If when you empathize with a loved one by connecting with similar experiences you'll need to also connect with any lessons you learned or things you gained from the experience, so you don't "catch" the "hopeless bug". You'll need to remind yourself of anything you may have done to get past the experience to something brighter.

It may be useful to remind your loved one of their resources and resilience they've demonstrated in the past around these kinds of issues. You can become a subtle cheerleader for their strengths, without sounding too chirpy.

It will also be helpful to limit time spent with someone in a very dark state. You cannot help them if their narrative becomes your own, so make sure you engage in activities before or afterward which remind you of good possibilities in life. You will be a sunnier presence for them as well if you practice this.

You can then make hope the contagious feeling instead!

1/17/18 8:30 PM EST BlogTalk Radio Episode: "How Good a Partner Are You? Take the Test"

In this half hour episode I explore the issues involved with being either a clueless spouse / partner, or one who has healthy, loving partnership skills. This episode taps into emotional intelligence, how highly you would rate yourself when examining your attitudes, knowledge and practices in your primary relationship, and identifying areas where you may need to improve to avoid misery, and to create more satisfaction for you and your partner / spouse. Tune in and take the 20 question test to get a better read on how the experts might score you, also to get a better sense of where you might be headed for avoidable trouble!

To join the conversation live with questions or comments call toll-free 877-497-9046.  If you can't make the live show you can hear the recording anytime afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

However you tune in, you won't want to miss this episode! You'll learn about relationship skills and practices essential to happiness and trust!