Speak Up!! Assertiveness in Relationships and Life

Hi Reader,

     Have you ever placed an order for something, then when it arrives you feel nauseous, because it's horrible, and you're afraid you'll have to live with it for the rest of time? In my case, the culprit was a giant mound of supposedly "dark brown" garden mulch. What kept staring at me instead, was a mountain of orangey, tannish chips which looked like it escaped a Walmart parking lot. I spent some time spreading it in the flower beds, trying to convince myself that it was sort of exotic-looking, or that I was too fussy, and getting carried away with this gardening stuff. Then it occurred to me that I might call the supplier and ask them what they could do about it, that maybe I didn't have suffer with it all season just because I had opted for dark brown, not black.  I was respectful, and clear that they had misnamed it, even when a guy came out to look at it with me, and tried to convince me that the mulch lightens up in the sun. I calmly pointed out that the pile was under a thick canopy of trees where no sun had ever shined, (with a smile), and that I was sure we could come to some resolution. One hour after he left, assuring me he wanted a happy customer, a truck showed up with a four additional yards of deep, dark beautiful mulch. The company earned my undying loyalty for valuing my concern, and it was a lesson in the benefits of saying what you need, instead of feeling like a victim and silently stewing. It's the same in any relationship-- consider your complaint, if it feels valid, voice it, then state the request embedded inside. Commit to assertiveness in your relationships, (even with your landscape supplier), presume a mutually satisfying solution, and chances are you'll get to one.

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for my new article about couples and intimacy at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Speed Gardening and the Revenge of the Sandcherry

Hello Reader,

     Some things in life should not be rushed. Picture this:  8:00 A.M. today after a rare ample night's sleep, I go online to "quickly" pay some bills, looking forward to a full workout in my lovely, cool gym downstairs. It's already pushing 80 degrees outside, and I'm drenched in sweat. Much to my chagrin, I discover my account balance is very short, and I figure out that in a rush, I've mistakenly paid some bills twice in two days, didn't note it, and then had amnesia about the whole thing. (So much for one hour of "efficiency"). Then, when I realize my son Alec is going for a bike ride, and I'll have to wait for his help, I furiously wrangle our Sandcherry bush into its new spot next to the shed by myself. I'm shoveling dirt with lightening speed, making time for the gym "me time" when in my haste, I poke myself in the eye with one of the branches. Now, with one bum eye I finally make my way to the gym where I  have all of twenty minutes left for the workout. I dress and leave for work, and see three clients completely out of focus, because the eye is irritated and demanding attention. I maneuver my way into an emergency appointment with my opthomologist with the one "leisurely hour break" already scheduled. The good news is that it's just a Corneal abrasion, and I'm going to live. The bad news is that I never did get to see how that damned Sandcherry must have looked so perfect in its new home!

All in good time,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my newly published article about an intimacy ritual to be a closer couple at:
          http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Slowing Down

Good crack of dawn, Reader,

     Now here's a topic close to my heart! When is enough, ENOUGH?  I am the queen of overfunctioning, thus we're having these heart-to-hearts often in the wee hours of the morning when reasonable people are sleeping. Even my nocturnal sister says I'm a vampire. What I know for sure is that it can be challenging to set limits, and remember that tomorrow is another day. In my case it relates to enthusiasm and excitement about new projects or ideas, and boundless energy.  For some people, however, it may relate to anxiety, perfectionism, or serious manic states. If you have difficulty stopping, you may need to explore whether there is a physiologic disorder, or psychological issue causing the behavior. Women, who are so famous for multitasking, are often juggling too many balls in the air, trying to accomplish too much in one day. There's also often secondary gain involved, as people around them may capitalize on having a Whirling Dervish in their midst. It may let them off the hook from dreary tasks. One thing I have learned is to work at consciously doing LESS in any 24 hours-- to leave more time to get places, to plan less errands, and to lop off some of my daily "to do" list on the front end. Ultimately, there's greater satisfaction in Less done well.

Cheers,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Stay tuned for my upcoming website chock full of ideas, articles, Ebooks and more at:
         HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Partner Vision

Good Evening Reader,

     When you get in your car and go on a trip, if you are female you know the importance of using a map if you hope to arrive at a decent place in good time. If you are a male, chances are you don't ask for directions, but you rely on your "internal map" to get there. Either way, it's a combination of a vision which provides some structure, and an organic unfolding-- stopping to enjoy the sights, or spontaneously taking some unexpected turns. It's the same way in intimate relationships-- it helps to have an idea or vision for what you want to accomplish together, or how you want to grow, or how you want the "rules" of your partnership to change. If historically you've gotten into some predictable, bad scrapes with eachother, you need to have a kind of map directing you to other dynamics, fueled by negotiated ideas or pictures of where you want to end up. I've seen this unfold in my work with couples quite a bit this week, maybe because it's Spring, and a time of new growth, or maybe because we're all getting smarter about this relationship stuff.
One thing I know for sure is that partner visioning gives couples a destination, and when it's done thoughtfully, couples establish "markers" of change which guide the way. Establishing a direction is usually a helpful thing, unless you're blindly heading North on a Southbound road.

Hopefully moving forward,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for more on this topic, including exercises for implementing partner vision-work on my
        soon-to-be-born website: HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Building a Relationship With Your Life Partner

Hello Reader,

     On my usual morning mad dash to the office (I never said I was a time-management expert), I drive through the intersection of Russell and Deer Street in Portsmouth. Over the last nine or ten months it's been the construction site of a new eco-friendly Marriott Hotel. This spot used to be occupied by the "Parade Mall", a disgusting, sprawling, pre-fab vestige of the 60's which somehow made it's way into the quaint, historic landscape of our beloved seaside city. I watched with glee as this monstrosity was demolished to make room for the new hotel. They blasted out a huge crater and laid the foundation, then over the next few months erected the iron skeleton floor by floor. Through the wintry rain and snow, the construction team added the wood overlay, sculpted out the windows, and day by day fine-tuned all the details until the bricklayers arrived to surface the outside, the part I was most eager to see unfold. How could they possible finish before the turn of the next century, laying brick by brick amidst the frozen New England winter? Much to my dismay, they wrapped the whole surface in canvas sheets, blowing heaters inside them while they mysteriously did their handiwork. Then Poof! One day it was all done except for some outside details like sidewalks, trees, and signs. Now, the hotel is almost ready to open for business, and I'm realizing why I've been so transfixed by the project. Building a hotel is alot like building a relationship. The old, defunct structures must be dismantled to make way for newer, more pleasing and functional ones. There must be a dedicated team working collaboratively day by day, regardless of the weather. A solid foundation must be built to support the entire structure. The labor needs to be divided so all the tasks can be undertaken efficiently, and in reasonable order. Some parts, like the bricklaying, are mysterious. It is a gradual feat of determination, creativity and daring. And it starts, and moves inexorably forward, with love and vision.
What kind of relationship are you building?............

Amazed,

Susan Lager

How To Be a Closer Couple

Hello Reader,

     It's been a long, beautiful weekend, and I'm reminded in Spring of a lovely ritual my husband Thom and  I engage in during the warm weather. It always brings us closer together, and I routinely recommend it to my clients who live outside cities, especially those couples who want to create more sharing without the labor of words all the time. Here it is:
Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning, grab a big cup of coffee, each of you, and head outside for your yard or your land. If you start this routine early in the Spring, notice all the new growth and shoots as you both walk around, and take pleasure in the miracle of nature. Smell the earth at last, notice all the green, and look for all the buds you can find. If you have done any landscaping or yard work together, take some time to enjoy the fruit of your labor as you note the garden beds coming alive again. Do NOT, and I repeat, do NOT start weeding or hauling brush! That's work, and this is about a few minutes of shared joy in the world you've created, so don't get compulsively busy! Exchange some ideas about how you both want to improve and expand upon your garden in the coming months, even if you only want to plant a few flowers or a tomatoe bush. Imagine the lovely experiences you'll have with eachother, friends and family in the coming season, and enjoy the anticipation of shared pleasure. Now, say goodbye as you each go off to your work with a thirty second hug to further increase the "feel-good" chemicals in your brains, and know that the day will be a touch softer because of the small intimacy in the morning. (Repeat as often as you can until the snow flies, or it's too freezing to hang around outside).

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my latest published articles about relationship issues at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
        Also stay tuned for my upcoming website Couplespeak.com where you will find an array of
        products and services for partnership problem-solving and enrichment!
    

Accountability, Persistence, and the Exercise Nazi

Happy Friday, Reader!

     I got a new stationery bike for Mother's Day and I'm obcessed with it.  My industrious son assembled it and had it waiting in our basement gym when I came home the other night. We've collected a giant room full of exercise equipment and gadgets my New York City sister says would rival any fitness club in Manhattan, only in ours you're not jammed in with scores of cranky, sweaty people fighting over machines. The gym is my sanity, my sanctuary, where I refuel. When I'm being good, I don't answer the phone or allow any interruptions, only the sweet sounds of the Food Network on the TV while I hit target heartrate on the treadmill, or head for the ceiling on the trampoline. But I think my new favorite will be the bike, which I've actually always hated before The Exercise Nazi came with it. Now, on this model you can insert a card in a slot and Jillian Michaels, the dominatrix from The Biggest Loser, yells at you to keep going, don't give up!!! And she knows if you're goofing off, getting too hung up with the recipes on TV, and losing your focus-- she bumps up the speed or the resistance, and you can't escape!! She and the machine document your every move, and keep you prisoner until you collapse at the end with a mixed sense of relief and pride in your own physical prowess. It's not the same experience being all alone in the gym with nobody to care if I bag it after ten minutes. This way, I'm accountable, someone is The Witness, someone else cares! Don't we all need a special relationship like that?

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Marriage and Bad Hair Days

Greetings Reader,

     Do you remember one of those days when everything that could go wrong, did?  It happens to the best of us, and when it unfolds it feels like a sick dominoes game. My husband had one today, and couldn't stop talking about all the gory details. Then when he was done, he seemed just ducky, and sat down to watch the news (about other people's bad day). Clients of mine often do that, and then seem to feel some catharsis when they've drawn me in as witness to the misery. However, I'm less likely to make the mistake of offering some chirpy spin on the story as a therapist, than I am as a spouse. In an effort to provide support or show empathy to our husbands or wives, I think we often give unsolicited advice, opinions or solutions. Husbands are usually the biggest culprits here, having been trained by the culture to "fix" things. We all need to LISTEN more, and ATTEND to our partner's experience! They'll usually tell us if they need anything else, or they'll just go on with the story...

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my recently published articles about couples issues at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

When Your Mind is Blank

Hello Reader,

     Today was a productive, satisfying day filled with moving stories, courage and honesty. Earlier, I had all sorts of ideas to write about: betrayals, forgiveness, letting go, resentments, intimidation, fear, etc., but now nothing comes to me, my mind is blank! When I'm in that space it's probably time to switch gears, and do something else, or just BE. Instead of fighting an internal state, it can be relieving and illuminating to honor it by observing it without judgment, dispassionately. So I'm staring back at the cat, and like him, noticing I'm all out of words. When you're in that place you too may need to give yourself permission to do the Eastern, meditative thing, and just BE......

Sweet dreams,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my newly published article about couples and gratitude at Ezine Articles:
         http://ezinearticles.com/?Couples-and-the-Neglected-Practice-of-Gratitude&id=4253371

Mothers and Self Nurture

Happy Mother's Day!

     This was an odd but very satisfying day for me. My son was around only briefly for a speedwalk and then a lovely breakfast he cooked for me. My husband had to work today, so he didn't get home till much later for  our little party. They were both apologetic about not being available longer, and felt a bit sorry for me having to entertain myself on Mother's Day. But, truth be told, after I got over my preconceived notions about the day, (which we all do far too often!) I had a grand old time "dubbing around" as I call it.  I cut flowers from the garden and filled all the vases,  I baked a banana bread,  I retrieved summer clothing from the attic, did my nails, took a hot tub, did some reading, folded laundry, sorted mail, and petted the cat. Nothing glamorous, just various things which provided contentment, a sense of accomplishment, and soothing pleasure. In the therapy business we call it Self Nurture. Women, and mothers especially aren't too swift at it because they are enculturated to nurture everybody else first.
I, however, have become the Queen of Self Nurture partly because I preach it as a vital practice, but also because my therapeutic work could drain me if I didn't. If you lack ideas for how to do it get Alice Domar's book "Self-Nurture". She illustrates all the psychological and physiological benefits of doing it regularly. My advice is, whatever you do to nurture yourself, DON'T do anything which feels like drudgery!

Contentedly,

Susan Lager

Thank God It's Friday!!!!!!

Hello Reader,

     How often have you sighed and exclaimed  "T.G.I.F.!!!!!" ? You've probably collapsed into an easy chair with a big glass of wine and bemoaned the long hours at work, the fussy outfits, your aching back, your pain in the butt boss, the oppressive paperwork, the endless emails, the boring conference calls, the difficult clients, the rancid coffeecups, the office gossip, etc., etc.....
How often have you reflected upon the job well done, the pride of challenges overcome, the heartfelt connections, the silly inside jokes, and the satisfaction of making your own small difference on the planet? Take a few moments to pat yourself on the back for probably doing a few things very right this week. Remember, it's only two days before you can complain about the weekend!

Happy Friday,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for me soon on my websites: Couplespeak.com, and HowToBeABetterCouple.com

One Block Away

Good (almost)Morning, Reader,

     Today was one of those bizarre days.  I was already five minutes late for a lunch date with a friend and colleague, furiously rinsing my hair in the shower when the Gutter Guy shows up needing to know where there's a leak in the new system. I race downstairs, wet and soapy, give him his instructions, finish the shower, and race to meet my friend at the cafe. We have a spirited lunch, while at the next table a previous client and his wife are openly attesting to the benefits of couples therapy with me, unfazed by our juxtaposition. Then I race into Portsmouth, and curse a "little detour" created by TV crews, onlookers, and police cars. I'm driving too fast to notice the machinegun-toting swat team, rooftop snipers, and bomb- squad robots surrounding a Greyhound bus on Hanover Street. I proceed with my day of clients, intent on their problems, while one block away the center of Portsmouth is being evacuated due to a bomb threat, possibly a terrorist attack. Meanwhile, one block away from that, my son is sitting in an outdoor cafe with a close friend sipping lemonades surrounded by throngs of shoppers and tourists happily enjoying the glorious spring day.  He and the entire staff have just been sent home from their mutual fund brokerage where everyone had been glued to two TV's: one graphically witnessing the unfolding "bomb scene" nearby, the other documenting the inexplicable 1000 point three hour plunge in the stock market.
I say, it's all a matter of perspective in life.

Sleep tight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my newest published pieces at Ezine Articles:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

    

How We Manage Hurt Feelings

Hello Reader,

     I've been stewing about something someone close to me said a few days ago.  It was something not  intended to hurt me, but it did, maybe because there was some painful truth to it.  None of us like having our shortcomings noticed and reflected back at us with glaring clarity. In my case I couldn't help but notice my reaction of self-protective withdrawal, even though I knew it would be more productive and mature to talk it over with this person. I found myself feeling bruised and unworthy, and having more impulses to let go of the relationship. I started rationalizing this scenario, talking myself into a cocoon which no hurt or disappointment could penetrate. Then I had a flashback to a loving moment with this person, and realized I'd be "throwing the baby out with the bathwater", that there were other options for managing my hurt which didn't require me to go into exile. We all have choices about how we manage our hurts. A useful first line of action often involves some sort of engagement, rather than a disconnect, unless the Hurter acts maliciously or repetitively. If we can get our egos out of the way, there's usually some possibility for us to learn and grow from the event, and often for the relationship to be stronger for weathering the storm.

Staying on course,

Susan Lager

"My Husband Ignores Me! What Can I Do?"

Welcome back Reader,

     Have you ever felt like you were talking to thin air when dealing with your partner? You make a benign request like "would you mind fixing the screen door this weekend so we can open up the family room?"
It's the third request, your mate has promised to do it for weeks in a row, gets caught up in other projects, says "oops!", and now it's 90 degrees out and you're literally and figuratively frying. You repeat patiently,
you cajole, you bargain, you beg, you nag, you ask what the problem is, and he reassures you there is none, and with a sheepish smile promises he'll get to it this weekend. This may seem like making a mountain out of a mole hill, but cumulatively it becomes a kind of cancer in relationships. I've seen this scenario play out more than once in couples therapy sessions just this week. It erodes trust related to a sense of dependability, and clearly undermines faith in supposed agreements. (Did you say yes to appease me? Are you annoyed about the request and acting out? Are you mad about something else? Or do you just have a brain tumor?) I've found that more often wives hold The List, and husbands "agree".
The Requestor may consider the possibility that their "Honey Do List " has become oppressive. The "Don't Worry, I'll Get To It" Spouse may want to rethink the honesty of their promises. It's always a kinder thing to graciously decline. No one will get killed.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Marital Issues-- A Perspective

Good Morning Reader,

Here I am bright and perky at 8:00 A.M. for a change, instead of talking to you in the wee hours of the morning (1:00 or 2:00 or 3:00 A.M.!) We had a birthday party for my husband yesterday and actually had the common sense to retire early enough to get a decent night's sleep. That happens for me in those rare moments when I feel I've done all I can do in a day, and feel totally satisfied with the results. On birthdays in my family we treat the birthday "boy" or "girl" with not only presents, but delicious meals and gracious "slave services" all day. We make that person the center of attention, and the object of reverence, and our kindness all day. The point is to let them know we are thankful they were born and now are here in our lives. It's actually not a chore, it's a joyful discipline to focus on the positives, and not THE ISSUES you may have with them. After each birthday I wonder why I don't do this much more often with all the people I love, especially my spouse? My last blog entry was about gratitude, this one is about how you express it with words and deeds. There would be many less Marital Issues if we all acted like every day was our spouse's birthday! Try it, it feels great!

Happy day,

Susan Lager