"Take love where you find it", says Susan Lager, your Closer Couples Coach

Managing Mistakes

 Hello Reader,

     I had a cocky friend who made a really big, unchangeable mistake. He noticed blood in his stool for a long time, and did what he always did with uncomfortable situations-- ignored it, figuring it was no big deal.  He continued to bleed, and have other symptoms which he dismissed, putting off a colonoscopy, even though he was 56 years old, and well within the age range for the test. Sadly, three years later he died of colon cancer, a consequence which might very well have been averted had he dealt with his symptoms earlier. Many people, like John, either ignore negative feedback, or get immobilized and "go catastrophic" when they've made a mistake. Many mistakes, when viewed dispassionately, however, are not earth shattering or fatal. If you change your thinking about a mistake, it can open amazing change. Instead of framing it as your own stupidity or carelessness, think of it as VITAL INFORMATION POTENTIALLY USED FOR CORRECTIVE ACTION AND IMPORTANT LEARNING.  (When you're in a close relationship, I can assure you that your partner will greatly appreciate this calmer, more grown-up approach to mistake management):
1. Indulge your fit briefly to get it out of your system.
2. Take some deep breaths and rate the mistake on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being a fixable annoyance,  and 5 being something catastrophic and irrevocable.
3. Think of remedial action plans A and B if the mistake is in a "fixable" category.
4. Implement the corrective actions, then notice the effect, or "read the feedback loop" as I say.
5. Reflect upon the lesson learned and how you can apply it to future behavior, so you don't become a professional victim in life.
6. Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, it's part of being human.

Goodnight for now,
Susan Lager
PS. You can access more relationship insights and tools, including my new Merchantcircle newsletter at:
How To Be A Better Couple
PSS.  You can also see my latest "Relationship Tip of the Week" videos on my YouTube channel:
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Susan Lager, The Closer Couples Coach found at www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Imperfect Action

Hello Reader!

     It's been awhile since I've been "here" because I haven't figured out how to get 36 hours of productivity, (and a bit of fun) into a measly 24 hour day, only 18 of which I'm awake. I always find this time of year to be very schizophrenic-- warm weather, cold weather :  cotton or wool?  Gorgeous foliage, seasonal chores: fabulous play or raking leaves, removing screens, stacking wood, storing outdoor furniture, removing air conditioners, cleaning gutters, trimming the garden beds, bringing down winter garments, removing summer garments, cleaning the hot tub, painting the trim, repotting the annuals, cleaning out the garage to make room for the cars so when there's 2 feet of snow we're not housebound, changing the quilts so we don't freeze to death in our sleep, "dressing the house" for Fall so if Martha Stewart drops by she doesn't have a heart attack, paying quarterly taxes so the IRS doesn't put me in a cell with "Bubba", etc., etc..........
My solution? One measly thing at a time..... Chip away at the mountain, bit by bit, know that it will never be perfectly "done!"  Imperfect action is better than none at all, and far less crazy than perfectionism. Today a client summed it up perfectly when she quoted her 90 year old aunt:
"Take it from me, sweetie, the first 87 years are the hardest, so don't fret!"

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager
PS.  Go to my website, sign on to get free reports, and now my first newsletter with Featured Expert,
Katherine Frick, discussing the uses of Mind-Body science for couples!
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The Power Of Persistence

Hi Readers,

     Don't ask what I'm doing up at this ungodly hour.... I'll tell you anyway.  Just finished an interview for The Manchester Union Leader Sunday News (in New Hampshire) about why couples are living together outside of marriage and even having kids, without getting hitched.  As usual, I had lots to say, so look for it online Sunday, 10/17/10 !
     Also, as a testament to dogged determination I just uploaded my first YouTube video introducing myself and my Couplespeak business. Mind you, the first two uploads I didn't get quite right, so all you saw was my frozen smiling head-- no action, no sound. Even so, I thought for a technically-challenged, right-brained person, it was quite a feat to make the video, caption it and get it online. So what if I was just a frozen head, we all need to celebrate the small victories where we can find them! With the help of my in-house, tired "tech support" it's been taken down and the new Talking head has replaced it!  I say, the longest journey starts with the smallest step.  If I can do it, you too can face down your boogeymen!
Persistence, persistence..........

Good (morning!)
Susan Lager
PS.  You can access my series of Free Reports about all kinds of relationship issues through my website:
        How To Be A Better Couple

Visualizing Goals

Hello Reader,
     There's an little story about three bricklayers I'll share with you:
Three bricklayers were toiling away together, in the hot sun. An old man came by, noticing the work in progress. He asked the first bricklayer, who seemed quite downtrodden, what he was doing. "I'm laying bricks, can't you see that?!" the worker barked. The old man then asked the same question of the second bricklayer. "I'm a building a wall, of course", sighed the worker with resignation.  The old man then turned to the third bricklayer, asking him the same question. "Why Sir, I'm building a beautiful cathedral which will soon grace us all!", the worker beamed, full of pride.
What's the point, you ask?  Think about it, when you're investing time and energy doing difficult things for the sake of your marriage or partnership. Think small and "lay bricks", or think big and "build a cathedral".
Then notice your attitude, energy level, and success or failure.  It may surprise you!

Have a great day,
Susan Lager
PS. Check out my new website offering a series of free reports about relationship issues:
      How To Be A Better Couple

Intolerance On Campus

Hello Reader,

     Like so many millions of others, I was so saddened and sickened to hear about the tragic death of Tyler Clemente, the Rutgers freshman who commit suicide after being so cruelly and publicly outed by his roommates. Among the many issues central to this story, are two that stand out for me as a psychotherapist and coach: Intolerance, and "Unthinking", or unconsciousness.  Obviously, filming and publicly airing footage of a gay man having sex with another, is predicated on homophobic sadism, so the perpetrators have actually just unwittingly outed the darkest parts of their own psyches. They will have to face their own intolerance and cruelty, and live with the consequences somehow. But it's also the issue of committing this violation of privacy and decency, probably framing it as a "joke", and not thinking through the consequences of such an act on the heart and dignity of a fellow classmate, that's the clincher here. As a psychotherapist I find unthinking acts, unless they are ones of kindness and generosity, to be very dangerous and damaging.
It's the ultimate copout to not think through the possible immediate and long-term effects of one's own behavior on others. One's own "moment of hilarity", or "thrill", can become a lifelong legacy of pain for the recipient, in this case, pain so intolerable, that the young man ended his life jumping off a bridge.
My biggest wish for all of humanity is to not only grow more open-hearted tolerance for difference, but to commit to thinking through to the impact on others-- to be more conscious (and empathic) in all relationships. What a world we'd have if everyone worked harder on this every single day!........

Goodnight,
Susan Lager