Words Of Wisdom

Hello Reader,

      I found this on the site of a wonderful man who helped train me as a coach. I thought you'd all enjoy it.

      Goodnight,

      Susan Lager

45 Lessons of Life Taught Me by Regina Brett

I have said in the past that when I run across something that I feel is worthy, I will pass it on through my blog. Well, this is more than worthy, this is great stuff. :)

This is something we should all read at least once a week, if not everyday!

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of "The Plain Dealer", Cleveland, Ohio. Here is what she has to say: "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more."

45 Lessons Life Taught Me.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Regina truly has "rare sense" indeed. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog today. Please feel free to share this post with anyone you feel would benefit from it and leave your comments.

May you be blessed always and in all ways!

Harry Shade
Author - Rare Sense, One Day It Will Be Common: A Practical Guide to a Fulfilled & Balanced Life
harry@raresenseunlimited.com
http://www.raresenseunlimited.com

Wallowers

Hi Reader,

A friend of mine recently had a toxic exchange with an acquaintance of hers who is a chronic "wallower".  (I'll call this person Jennifer). She routinely complains about her life, her husband, her friends, her family, anything she can to maintain her victimhood. In the not so distant past, I too had experienced the avalanche of misery released from Jennifer, and have avoided her since, partly because wallowers don't really want help, they just want witnesses for their "misery", so it always made me feel helpless and depleted when I dealt with her.  I had warned my friend about the wallower, but she needed to learn the distancing lesson herself. It made me think: maybe there should be a "Wallower Alert!" available to the general public, so anyone could read the signs and run, before getting flattened in the avalanche of projected misery!  So here's my version of a practical "Wallower Alert" for you to use as needed:

1. Wallowers are extremely self absorbed. They rarely ask substantive questions about the lives and experiences of others. They just want a mirror of their angst.
2. Wallowers are needy and demanding. They will call you any hour of the day or night to do their complaining, and they expect you to be available.
3. Wallowers are "help-rejecting". Don't try to fix their circumstances, because they don't accept solutions. They don't accept solutions because that implies that they have some role or responsibility for their situation.
4. Wallowers aren't really miserable. They get a lot of secondary gain from their sense of victimhood, they're bonded to it for complex reasons. The "misery" is like an appendage for them. Don't try to amputate it!
5. Wallowers will not have a mental breakdown if you distance gently - they are wizards at finding some other witness to their "plight". Remember, their relationship with you isn't personal, even though their complaints may be of a personal nature. To them you're an object, a mirror, and they will always find another one if you get sick of the whole deal.

Heading for the hills as I see another Wallower coming,

Susan Lager

Life, Death, and Taxes

Hello Reader,

     Most people I know have spent the last several weeks poring over all the gory financial details of their personal and business lives, getting ready for an April 15th filing. I rate it as the #2 most hateful thing in life secondary only to death by firing squad. Unless you're an accountant, who wants to spend every spare minute, sacrificing the budding Spring days to columns and figures about facts like:

• "what was the 2010 interest paid on mortgage premiums?" 
• "do you anticipate a change in marital status in 2011?"
• "earned income credit, additional child tax credit, refundable credits from Forms 4136, 5405,8801"

Gag me with a spoon!!

Now that I'm done, waiting to find out about how much MORE I'll owe on April 15th, I have once again come to the conclusion that my SECRET TO A GOOD LIFE still stands:

GOOD FILING!!!!!!!!!

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

PS. If all this is too damn depressing, go to my latest episode of my BlogTalk Radio show, "The Couplespeak Relationship Forum" called: "Don't Worry, Be Happy - With Positive Psychology" at:

The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

Aftershocks

Hello Reader,

     We've all been glued to our tv's, watching with horror the unfolding tragedy in Japan in the aftermath of their most powerful earthquake ever. As I write this, I dread finding out about the death toll, the human suffering, and the likelihood of a nuclear meltdown at the Fukushima power plant. Some of the aftershocks of the earthquake have also been huge with as yet an unknown toll on life and the Japanese landscape, and infrastructure.
I've been thinking about the dread and anxiety related to aftershocks, as a kind of re-traumatization.
It's reminded me about "aftershocks" in marriage and partnerships, and how an initial traumatizing event tends to reverberate in a way which can be entirely overwhelming, as I imagine the aftershocks are for the Japanese now. (I'm aware that a life or death catastrophic event is, in many ways incomparable in the degree of suffering to an event which is emotionally traumatic).
The concept of "aftershock", however, is familiar to anyone who's spouse has had an affair, leaving a residual breach of trust, and "reverberations" in the way of new information about the marital history, which contradict history as it has been known. My work with couples who are wrestling with some emotionally devastating event, often centers on these "aftershocks" and how they jar the landscape of a marriage.
For anyone who is trying to repair the damage caused by some emotional or trust breach, my hope is that you appreciate the devastating impact of these "aftershocks", and that you don't rush to closure for your own purposes.

With much sadness,
Susan Lager

Weapons of Choice - What's In Your Marital Arsenal?

Hello Reader,

I meet with clients in my coaching and psychotherapy practice fairly often who talk about the deeply held resentments they carry toward their spouses. Wives, especially, are often increasingly silent, opting instead to voice their anger by acting out in various ways toward the husbands they feel have stopped listening to words. Recently, I met with a woman who chronicled years of stonewalling by her preoccupied, dismissive husband. Until our work began, she had given up trying to talk to him about her needs and concerns, and pointed to the elaborate, designer boots she was wearing, telling me in a conspiratorial tone, that this pair had been purchased in one of her rages toward him. Apparently, she had accumulated closets full of boots, her "weapon of choice", costing up to $1200. a pair! She had even bought mis-sized boots, just for the "thrill" of spite and revenge against the man whom she felt had so violated their marriage with his disregard, disrespect, and entitlement. She felt that a clear sign of hope, and progress in her work with me on assertiveness and appropriate limit-setting, was the fact that boots were now being returned, no longer being bought! We laughed sadly about how the increased closet space could be seen as such a clear indicator of psychological progress - her ability to re-engage and speak up with her mouth, not her feet.

It made me think about the issue of "silence", and not only my own arsenal of "weapons", but also the weapons of choice others use -- booze, shopping, smoking, affairs, food, gambling, pornography, drugs, internet, work, etc. Then there's the issue of who ultimately gets wounded in the process, and what, if anything, is gained at what cost?

So, I invite anyone in a marriage marked by disappointment, frustration, and resentments, (everyone's marriage at some points?), to think about this: What is your weapon of choice in your marriage?

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

PS.  For more of my thoughts about relationship issues, and tools for change, go to my webpage and subscribe at:  How To Be A Better Couple

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Hello Reader,

     Lots of people, especially wives, complain about not getting enough of this in their relationships with husbands or children. "I get no respect!" I sympathize, then I ask them about how much they respect
themselves, and often hear about their lifelong careers as doormats. How can anyone get respect if they don't treat themselves with respect? Listen to Aretha, and think about it...........







Respectfully,
Susan Lager