The Year 2011 In Review

We're at that point we get to each year when we're bombarded with images in the media of the past year. We note infamous crimes, acts of heroism, deaths, political highs and lows, social events, foreign developments, economic swings, etc., etc. Because I'm a psychotherapist and coach, my version of the Year  In Review is, of course, one that focuses on the external and internal emotional events which have marked people's lives. (Any surprise there?)

If you're doing your own Year 2011 In Review you could either reflect back upon:

• how much money you made or didn't
• how many sick days you took off from work
• how many vacations you went on and if they were worth much
• how much weight you gained or lost
• if you finally stopped smoking or not
• if your spouse drove you crazier than ever
• which friends let you down
• if you got your house de-cluttered
• who got divorced after a messy affair
• who died young 

(Blah, blah, blah....)

Or you could do this kind of Year In Review:

• what were my major accomplishments at work?
• what positive steps did I take in my marriage?
• how was I more thoughtful and loving to my family?
• did I do any better at setting appropriate limits around time asked of me?
• how well did I take care of myself physically?
• did I expand myself intellectually and spiritually?
• what major lessons did I learn in 2011?
• did I have enough fun this past year?
• did I stand up for what's important to me?
• what did I model for my children? 
• was I a generous enough friend to the people I care about?
• whose accomplishments brought me joy?

Get the difference? After you have (hopefully) chosen the latter set of reflections, you have a beginning template for an even better 2012!  Gotta wrap some more presents.

Happy Holidays! Happy End of 2011!

Susan Lager 

Take It Easy!

Everyone, including myself, is running around getting ready for the rest of the holidays, and I mean "running around"! We're in the home stretch now for getting our homes sufficiently decorated, getting those gifts bought and in the mail,
making sure all our cards are written and sent out, choosing our menus, and finalizing our holiday plans so we don't feel left out of all "the fun" socially. Then there's the usual busyness of housework, making meals, working jobs so we can pay the bills, raising our children, getting some sleep, and of course, finding some time for self care, like indulging in a measly workout here and there. Not to mention the little detail of having an occasional conversation with our partner, or loved ones!
As I participate in, and observe the race all around, I've decided that three things are important to keep in mind to preserve one's sanity, and to actually derive some fun and meaning around the holidays:

1. Check your perfectionism. Even Martha Stewart, the maven of style, class, and coziness, has legions of "elves" all around to create the illusion of perfection. So don't buy into the invention. Instead, establish a "good enough" standard which allows for the realities of your time and energy constraints, allows you to enjoy yourself, and to stay focused on your goals for the season. At this juncture, less is more. Keep those expectations in check.
2. Let others help. Don't over-function your way into martyrdom. You'll be a more pleasant companion if you let other people share in the labor of making holiday traditions happen. The people around you will feel more invested in activities they have helped to create. You'll also be more rested if you don't view the holidays as a "one man/woman show".
3. Practice the fine art of saying "no" if you are feeling maneuvered into doing more than your fair share of holiday activity. If you have a partner or sibling who seems to be bailing out on you, and expecting you to compensate for their inactivity, then draw a line in the sand, and let consequences happen. You'll then avoid some resentment around feeling exploited.

Stay conscious!

Susan Lager

PS.  Check out my new eBooks and articles for sale later this month at the "Products" page of my website: SusanLager.com. You'll get "pre-published" first dibs on great tools for better communication, and better relationships!

Got The Bug?

My younger sister Laura and I used to share a room when we were kids. Except for a few glaring things, it was a mostly satisfactory arrangement. We'd stay up late and complain about how crazy our parents were, how sloppy our older sister Margie was, always getting caught drinking and making out with boys, and how New Rochelle was full of snobs and imbeciles. 

One of the disadvantages to the shared room was that Laura hated open windows with fresh air, and I loved a breeze, even in mid winter. I'd scoff at her wussy "hothouse flower" ways, and she'd pout and often tattle on me to Mommy who always took her side. (That's another 5,000 blog entries, no, that's a big fat book.....) 

The other down side to the shared space was the amplified horror when either of us got "the bug." Even though the windows in question all had screens, (and were usually closed, because little Laura often got her way), somehow a stray mosquito would occasionally get through, and then proceed to torture us all night with its buzzing and dive-bombing. We knew we were in for a dreaded, sleepless night when either or both of us whispered to the other, "Oh no, I've got the bug!" Pillows would fly, and we'd spend

the night on a killing mission. Finally, all would be thankfully silent, and we'd figure the Oppressor had moved on to torment Harold T. Fields next door. We'd snuggle back into our beds, exhausted and grateful to be safe again, close our eyes, and drift off to dreamy sleep. Until sooner or later "the bug" would return to cruelly taunt us with its relentless buzzing and dive-bombing.

What would we all do without a sister or a brother to tattle on us, gossip with, and share nights of terror with?......

Drifting off, hopefully without "the bug",

Susan Lager

Calling Australia!

Calling Australians! The whole world (except for most of Africa) reads this blog. Why not you guys?

What would you want to hear about which would feel relevant there on the other side of the planet?
You have a beautiful country (which unfortunately I've never seen), you're famous for your spirit of independence and spunk, but I know that you must have relationship issues just like the rest of us on this side of the planet.
Tell me what you're wrestling with in your marriages and partnerships! I'm glad to help.

Wondering, on the other side of the world,

Susan Lager

Preparing For The Holidays

Over the years, I've met with hundreds of couples who get totally wigged out at this time of year. To begin with, many of them have at least one person who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, a condition which sets up depressive symptoms in reaction to the lowered light levels in the Fall through early Spring. It's not a good beginning. On top of that, most partners focus their energy on holiday decorations, social calendars, menus, and gift shopping for people they often care little about. People plan their days and nights, trying to pack it all in, with coziness and finesse, Hallmark style.

What is often conspicuously missing in the melee is any thought or conversation about particular activities or rituals which would feel meaningful and "uniquely ours", i.e. intimate and private. Predictably, when couples prepare for the holidays with some curiosity and attention to the sacredness of some meaningful time alone, apart from relatives and kids, it changes everything! So if you're in a partnership, honor it with just a tad of thought to what traditions you'd like to create just for yourselves. Be creative! Be silly or be sentimental! But be together. You'll surely have a happier holiday season.

Cheers,
Susan Lager
PS.  Next week you will be able to purchase my two new eBooks, and some articles all about relationship tools on my website, Susan Lager For A Better Life.  (I'm only about one year behind schedule, but hey, I've been focusing on meaningful rituals of my own!)

Staying Up All Night

Here I am at 2:11 the "night" before Thanksgiving, yakking and laughing and surfing the Web with my little sister, Laura. We always do this when she comes to visit from New York City -- up all night, then like zombies the next day, (except for the usual shopping marathon), but WHAT FUN!

When I think back on all the Thanksgivings in my life, it won't be a reflection on all the turkey and stuffing we all ate, but it certainly will be about all the love and laughs, and shared joy with friends and family like my "baby sister".

If you too have any relationships like this, then put your drumstick down and say thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving,
Susan Lager
PS.  Stay tuned for my first eBook available for sale later this week on my website,
        SusanLagerForABetterLife

Compulsive Busyness

I've been meeting with clients and friends who are all ramping up their activity level prior to the holidays, and already feeling overwhelmed. Almost everyone I know, including myself, complains (and boasts) about being SO busy under ordinary ever day circumstances, so it gets hugely amplified at this time of year. I could go into psychological insights about why we're so chronically over scheduled, but I thought these quotes I found might resonate better with everyone out there who fills every minute with busyness, then feels depleted.
(I'll sign off while you're reading - gotta go do more stuff!)


Sleep tight,
Susan Lager


PS.  If you have a minute, sign onto my site as a subscriber, and get LOADS of my original, unpublished free reports about all kinds of relationship and self-help issues. Also, if you have another minute (?) check out my website, Susan Lager For A Better Life for more information about my psychotherapy and coaching services, as well as my upcoming Ebooks. 

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Busyness Quotes

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The time to relax is -- when you don't have time for it.

- Sydney J. Harris

---

It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?

- Henry David Thoreau

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My candle burns at both its ends;
It will not last the night;
But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends --
It gives a lovely light.

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

---

The world is moving so fast these days that the one who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

---

The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else- we are the busiest people in the world.

- Eric Hoffer

---

At work, you think of the children you have left at home. At home, you think of the work you've left unfinished. Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart is rent.

- Golda Meir

___________________________________________________________________

He who is too busy doing good finds no time to be good.

- Rabindranath Tagore

__________________________________________________

When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with   one another - and ourselves.

                                                                                                                                                                                    Jack Kornfield

Get Cozy

It's 8:55 on a frigid Sunday morning, and I awoke to a blazing fire in the family room thoughtfully prepared by my devoted "woodsman" husband, Thom. What a way to begin a 35 degree day in November!
It made me think about all the cozy rituals my family embraces, and how centering and comforting they are. I'll often ask therapy and coaching clients who are facing difficult circumstances if they have a repertoire of cozy comfort activities in their emotional "toolboxes."
I'm often surprised by the scarcity they report, or by the lack of awareness people have about what comforts them besides booze or meds!
If you haven't developed an elaborate system of ways to get cozy and give yourself comfort, then it's time to build it before you need it. Think about activities you could ritualize, like a weekend fire, or a cup of tea in the afternoon, or a bath on a Friday night. Consider this list as your arsenal of protection against overwhelming anxiety, sadness, exhaustion or loneliness. It's your personal (and partnered) treasure trove of self-care and self-soothing. You can do it alone or with your partner or family. Whatever the case, having benign ways to "get cozy" will help you decrease your trips to the doctor, the liquor store, and expensive shrinks, like me!

Happy day,
Susan Lager

Communication Workshop

For anyone wanting to beef up their communication skills, come to my "Communication Problems Gone With Simple 5 Minute Fixes" workshop on Wednesday, November 2nd at the Women Supporting Women Center in Exeter, NH at 10 AM. The cost is minimal, and the benefits you'll get are HUGE! You'll learn about the 7 most common communication problems people have, and quick tools to change the way the conversation is going. It should be very informative and FUN!
There are still a few openings, so contact Claire Huston at:

111 Water St.
Exeter, NH 03833
603-772-0799
Women Supporting Women Center

October Nor'easter!!! What Else Is New?

It's only October 30th and we, on the glorious coast of Maine are "enjoying" our first Nor'easter! So no power, of course. My husband and I started our day waiting half an hour for a cup of coffee and a thing they call a "eggwhite flatbread sandwich" at Dunkin' Donuts. (ugh..) Then off to Home Depot to spend $2060. for a generator, so we don't have to spend the rest of the winter in the freezing dark whenever it snows here, (which is a lot - double ugh...) Gotta get out the skis and the snowshoes and the snowblower, to make peace with the weather, even though it's OCTOBER! (Better haul out the wool, and put away my sandals).......

This was supposed to be a newsflash about my upcoming BlogTalk Radio Show, "ADHD Couples and Decision Fatigue", featuring Robin Bellantone, a well known, very talented specialist on this subject. It's supposed to be broadcast on Wednesday, November 2nd at 9 PM at BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager, but who knows if we'll have POWER???? If all goes well and we're on, you can also tune in toll-free at: 877-497-9046 to be live on the call. ADHD is a very common issue for couples, so join us (if we're on....) and ask questions or make comments - I love conversation about these kinds of issues.

Gotta go, the frost awaits........

Susan Lager

Marriage Fitness Evaluation

I have just officially joined the InsiderPages.com directory of marriage counselors and psychotherapists, and am offering a one-time "coupon" to clients coming in from that site:

• A one hour Marriage Fitness Evaluation using my unique Couplespeak™assessment. I will meet with individuals or couples, discuss your partnership situation, determine the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship, and offer feedback about a corrective action plan in or out of therapy or coaching. You will be under no obligation to continue working with me afterward.

    It will be at a significantly reduced rate, given this time of year, and the
    financial crunch so many people experience during the holidays.

   *Email me at Couplesctr@gmail.com or call my office at: 603-431-7131
     for more details.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Susan Lager

When To Stop (Anything)!

I've had a nasty sciatic pain going down my right leg for almost four months now (!) At first I thought I'd pulled a muscle, then I thought I'd overdone a workout, then I thought I had a slipped disc, then I thought I needed hip surgery, then I thought I just needed to loosen up the joints in that side, then I thought I probably had a tumor, then I thought I was becoming a hypochondriac. But in all these months it never occurred to me until yesterday that my real problem was knowing when to stop doing what I was doing - exercising just about seven days a week to "loosen it up". In the name of "working it out", in all this time I've continued doing strenuous weighted workouts usually three days a week, and intense speedwalks the other four days of the week. Occasionally when I'm very tired, I give myself a big break by walking in a slightly less maniacal way when I do the cardio, so anyone "with" me is still visible in the background. It's the joke of my family and friends (my Nazi walk), but I love the rush I get from my muscles communing with nature in this way. It's not a competitive thing, as I've never entered a race, and usually prefer doing it alone without even timing myself. It's always been one form of self-care for me........UNTIL the big sciatic puzzle.

Yesterday it occurred to me that to keep doing what you've been doing, expecting different results, is what someone defined as insanity! So I finally got a referral to an orthopedist for an evaluation, and here I am today, actually taking a day off, relaxing, and goofing off!


So, what's the point of all this? I think knowing when to stop is not my unique problem. Clients and friends don't seem to know when to stop:

• engaging with a hostile loved one
• cleaning
• talking
• eating
• working
• nagging
• playing
• helping
• drinking
• shopping
• watching TV - especially "Mad Men,""Dancing With The Stars,"or "CSI"

Look for yourself on this list, and see if you too are in the "insane" cycle. If so, try something new.

Think of me, sitting here, relaxing, relinquishing my dearly beloved Nazi walk! Anything is possible.

A Blustery Day

Yesterday was, as Winnie the Pooh would say, "a rather blustery day!" There I was on my morning speedwalk, getting blown about by wind and leaves, as the sky became intermittently cloudier, then sunny, then cloudy again, with the temperature quite brisk. It didn't do much for my speed time, but I noticed my mood getting lighter and happier with every step.

Why, you might wonder, would anyone in their right mind feel happier as the weather becomes more sultry and stormy?
(Back Story): Over the years doing psychotherapy, I've noticed clients coming in on windy, grey, "bleak" days complaining about the unpredictable, "bad" weather in New England. Many of them are particularly sensitive to the loss of light as the winter approaches ("seasonal affective disorder"), and actually get more depressed in the winter months. When they try to get me to commiserate, I can't hide my glee about the colder, dark, temperamental weather, attributing my comfort with it to my Russian heritage. Clients then look at me blankly, chuckle, and change the subject.
My brother-in-law Joe says, "You New Englanders are always complaining about the weather! Move to Florida and have sunny weather every single day!"
That would be a personal Hell for me. When I was in Italy I found that the only thing I didn't like was the constant, sunny haze. It felt oppressive, and so would constant sunshine anywhere!
Two things:

1. Who said that a cold, dark day is "bad weather"? We all need to be careful about the subjective descriptors we give to neutral things, which then effect our moods.
2. On a blustery day, think about all the choices you have: You can stay inside, get cozy and warm, and read a book, pay bills, or watch a movie. You can stay outdoors and do house projects and chores. You can get in the car and go for a scenic ride, hike in the woods, or go for a bike ride.You can do everything or nothing at all. In or out, there's no pressure like the kind you feel on a "glorious" day to do "fabulous" things.

So I'll take a blustery day anytime, thank you.

Happily,

Susan Lager

Striving For Better

In my psychotherapy practice, I routinely work with clients who are striving to be better partners, better sons and daughters, better parents, better employees, better artists, better athletes, better listeners, better friends. They want better lives and better selves.
The endless striving is, in my opinion, a very mixed bag. The reaching and working toward goals of being better can be a wonderful source of excitement, growth, and focus. But it can also exhaust us, and take us away from the reality of the present moment. The treadmill of aspirations can at times invalidate whatever we are feeling and experiencing right now, or just create unhelpful pressure.
Sometimes, particularly when we feel vulnerable in sadness or anxiety, the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is to slow down, tuck in, and stop striving for awhile, to release ourselves from the "shoulds" and "to-do" lists, and to get quiet and still, and just be. 
The treadmill will always be there, waiting. Try getting off it, at least for awhile, let yourself feel "good enough", and see how peaceful you feel......

To bed "early"(!)
Susan Lager

Waiting

I've been sitting in the intensive care unit waiting room for the past six hours. With other members of my family I've been watching the pager disc, looking for a ring or a vibration, indicating news about my husband's progress in a serious, ten hour surgery he's undergoing.
It was pretty clear from the surgeons that this wouldn't likely be a fatal (or "bloody", as they call it) operation - just complicated and long. Even so, with all the waiting, you wonder:

Will he die? Will I be a widow? Will he come through forever changed? Will our family pull together if the worst happens? Have I been a good enough wife? Did he feel loved sufficiently before he went under the anesthesia? If he needs more help afterward will I be there for him?

The waiting brings up all kinds of uncertainties. Most people hate to wait for things or possibly bad news, especially in the hospital. It often leads to uncomfortable soul-searching about your own capacity, your heart, and your history. It challenges your smugness, your presumptions, and what you take for granted. In a marriage it challenges your devotion, your love, and your commitment. It forces you to examine the status quo, and make some decisions about what you keep, and what you need to throw out.

Waiting may feel like agony, but the shake-up is important, if you want to live a conscious, intentional, growthful life.

Sincerely,
Susan Lager

Steve Jobs Death

It was with great sadness that the whole world learned of Steve Jobs' death today. Even though I'm not a "techie," and haven't followed every incarnation of the Apple line, I too felt a deep sense of loss and awe when I heard he had passed away.
Jobs was far more than the innovator of the Mac, the iPad, the iPod, and the iPhone. For me he was a representation of vision and courage in the face of defeat, not only as he stared down pancreatic cancer for the past eight years, but throughout his life, challenging the status quo and uncertain odds in all his endeavors. He was an amazing model for all of us about how to live our lives. He cherished his family. He followed his passion. He dreamed huge dreams. He took enormous risks. He connected with people's needs, and forged an empire based on what would make our lives easier and more fun. He was brilliant without being a braggart. He honored and inspired his team.
He was an absolute force of nature.
He will be sorely missed, but what a legacy he's left all of us about how to live and die with grace.
Thank you, Steve Jobs, for all your gifts.

Susan Lager

Press The Pause Button

Have you ever wished you could "rewind" a situation and undo some promise or statement you made?
Maybe it was a telemarketer who maneuvered you into some ridiculous purchase, or a committee member who "volunteered" you to run the massive fund drive for the new playground. Maybe it was a good friend who coaxed you into sitting for her kids for the weekend while she left town with a new boyfriend. Whatever the case, most of us have had the experience of saying yes in a moment of wanting to please someone in need, and regretting it soon afterward. Women are often the worst offenders, wired for helping and connection, and conditioned to accomodate, often at their own expense. Then regret and annoyance set in, and we try to slip out of the commitment with some lame excuse. The net effect is that we've set the other person up for disappointment, and possibly an experience of ourselves as unreliable.
What a mess!
Quick fix: When you are put on the spot with a request for your time, your expertise, your money, or some service, before you say yay or nay, press the pause button and

• tell the requester that you'd love to help, but you'll need to look at your schedule or your funds, and get back to them. (DON'T blame your spouse for the pause!)
• do an internal check to see if accomodating this request feels right to you, or if it puts you out in some highly problematic way, or if the request just feels inappropriate.
• make a decision and get back to the other person in a timely way.
• don't make an empty gesture of saying you'll be available later, if that's not true.

This pause process will allow you needed time to make more careful, thoughtful decisions about how and when you share your time and yourself, so when you do give, it's truly from the heart.

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

Dating Dilemmas

Most people loathe dating. You're on your best behavior, putting on an Academy Awards performance.

Usually underneath the polite chatter is a stream of self talk about whether this person you've met is a viable "candidate" for life partnership. It's a giant size-up game, which is particularly nerve-racking for people who have gone through a divorce, and already often feel a bit bruised, discarded or unlovable. Some typical dilemmas center around the issues of: 

• feeling objectified 
• fear of getting hurt again 
• whether it's fair to move forward if you know this person isn't your version of marriage material 
• how much to share 
• who takes initiative 
• who pays
• when and if to have sex 
• when and if to tell your kids
• when to introduce this person to your family
• fear of making the same mistakes
• what's okay to put up with

In my therapy work with dating clients I tell them that there are four firm guidelines I suggest which can make the whole thing easier and more fun:

1. Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and honor them. Stand by yourself.
2. Keep your sense of humor. It helps you maintain perspective. If it goes badly, chances are that nobody will get killed.
3. Insist upon reciprocity. Expect give and take. Share responsibility for making things happen or not.
4. Don't rush it. Pushing things prematurely can create pseudo intimacy, and more illusions. Let things unfold naturally without pressure. If it's the right thing, force doesn't make it happen. 

Pay attention to these guidelines, and you'll have a much better time, whether you meet your "life partner" or not.

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

                                                                         

The Love Of Family

Anthony Brandt wrote: "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." How true!
I had that same experience this past long weekend with my family all together here in Maine to celebrate my older sister's birthday. We also gathered to circle round a beloved father, husband, and brother-in-law as he faces critical cancer surgery. Both occasions are important markers of change. Both warranted loving acknowledgement. Both events required the unconditional, visceral love and sense of belonging you get when you have a "good enough" family.

I felt particularly blessed this weekend to have such a family. We laughed, we cried, we dined, we toured, we shopped, we told stories, we watched TV, we learned, we celebrated, we circled our wagons.
Life is sweeter today because the weekend started and ended with family.

I wish all of you a loving family. If you weren't born into one, create one of your own!

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

Need Love!

My husband Thom, and I are babysitting for our son's girlfriend's guinea pig this weekend. The two of them (my son and his girlfriend, not the guinea pig), went upstate and didn't want to leave Graham (the guinea pig), in the hot car en route, so the skittish little rodent is our house guest for the next few days.
It's already been an eye-opening experience.  Graham, rodent though he is, needs love just like the rest of us! If he's left in his cage by himself too long, he "sulks" by withdrawing into his little igloo house when coaxed to come out. He makes special "irritated" squeaks that guinea pig experts distinguish from the happy squeals he makes when he's petted and held. When he's taken out of his cage and allowed to hang out with the family, he gets perkier by the minute, and ends up "popcorning" around the floor (skittering about with hops and jumps). When you hold him, he lovingly looks up into your eyes and makes more joyful, purring type squeaks. He's a first cousin of the rat, but this little guy needs love! And if an 8 inch guinea pig needs love, what about people?

Nobody likes to be taken for granted. You probably cuddle with your dog, pet your cat, and like me, get cozy with your guinea pig. How affectionate have you been to the humans in your life? How cozy have you and your partner been with each other? Are you withdrawing and sulking in your little houses, or are you "popcorning" around? Think about it.............

Gotta go love up Graham some more,
Susan Lager

9/11 Anniversary

For the past few weeks I've met with clients experiencing profound dread and sadness about the upcoming tenth anniversary of 9/11.  What has compounded it has been the onslaught of terrible news about extreme flooding in the Northeast, wildfires and widespread loss of homes in Texas, the tragic plane crash in Russia, the Seven Eleven slaughter, the rising suicide rate in Japan, and many, many other reports of horrific events and developments.
In the case of the 9/11 anniversary, we can at least take solace in the solidarity of national grieving and memorials. We validate each other around the pain and loss. Together we prepare for the "anniversary effect" - revisiting the traumatic images and memories imprinted in our brains. We unite in the healing process. We try to make sense of what happened.
Unfortunately, we're left to our own defenses around the other daily, tragic events.  Clients and friends say they feel helpless, alone, and increasingly anxious in an unsafe world.

There is no magic formula for dealing with all this. Even people of deep religious faith feel profoundly tested in the face of such daily tragedy.
What helps me is to surround myself with love, to remind myself of the essential goodness of people, and the joys of life. I also focus on the small things I can do, to mitigate against feelings of helplessness regarding all the trauma. Going into meaningful action, being present in the grace of the moment, and making heartfelt connections, are my medicines for staying sturdy in such turbulent times.
But it's also helpful to honor the grief and sadness, and sometimes just cry.

Susan Lager

Depressing Things We Say

• "You never know......"
• "What next!"
• "Here we go again"
• "It's always something!"
• "Whatever...."
• "Beats me...."
• "I can't win!"
• "For crying out loud!"
• "Son of a bitch!"
• "Oy vey!"
• "For the love of God!"
• "Sue me!"
• "Gag me with a wooden spoon!"
• "They shoot horses, don't they?"
• "Life sucks."
• "Life is short, and then you die."
• "Why bother?"
• "Who cares?"
• "You can't trust anyone!"

How often do you say things like this, and what does it do to your mood?

Think about it.........

Susan Lager

Preparing For The Hurricane

Most everyone living in the northeastern U.S. is preparing for Hurricane Irene to arrive in all her fury.
The supermarkets are jammed with people stocking up on water, batteries, flashlights, ice, food, and all sorts of other supplies needed in the event of power outages, and floods.

 The odd thing is that today was a gorgeous, sunny day showing no signs of the likely destruction and general mayhem to come. Maybe it's an occupational hazard, but it feels to me like a perfect metaphor for the uncertainty of life inside a committed relationship: At the moment all seems calm, but inevitably there are huge storms coming, and if you're not prepared, you're screwed. It you wait till the last minute your resources will be limited at best. If you don't have a plan for how to brave the storm, you'll be in reactive "chaos mode", and won't fare so well. If you don't pay attention to the warning signs, you'll be in dangerous denial, and could be swept away. If you try to go it alone without proper teamwork, you'll be at risk. So think of nurturing and bolstering your relationship as similar to preparing for the hurricane.
You hope for the best while allowing for the worst, and chances are, there's sunshine again on the other side.

Hope all goes well,
Susan Lager

Negotiation In Marriage

As a couples therapist I routinely see couples struggling with decisions which make nobody happy!
Natalie wants one thing, Ned wants something else, (or so it seems). They then either slug it out emotionally until one person gets their way, or they "take their marbles and go home" - withdrawing into their respective corners with animosity because they couldn't come to some kind of reasonable agreement.

Marriage and partnerships are all about negotiation, whether it's when and where we go on vacation, or how and when we tackle home projects, or which school to send the kids to. The worst thing couples do is to come up with "win-lose" or "either-or" solutions. In negotiation language we call that a dismal failure. The aim instead is to move toward "both-and" or "win-win"solutions, where each partner may give something up, but also gets something important to them. So if Ned wants to spend time in the Fall working on home projects, and Natalie wants a trip, the goal is to see how either they can do both reasonably, or take turns getting their way. The most critical thing is to craft solutions which address key parts of each of their concerns, not polarize around differences.

How good a negotiator are you in your partnership?

Have a mutually good end of summer,
Susan Lager

Just Do It!

I've worked with hundreds of clients over the years who tell me they don't do healthy things like exercise, meditate, or eat moderately because they don't feel like it. People who are depressed or anxious, and the most in need of self-nurture, are often the biggest culprits, rationalizing a lack of self care with their lack of motivation / energy. Especially when people are biochemically compromised, as they are in a clinical depression, I push back and often say, "Who in their right mind feels excited about getting out of a nice warm bed, particularly on a dark, cold morning, to freeze outdoors on a run? Only olympic athletes, or people who've had a lobotomy! You need to 'just do it', as the Nike slogan says."
The Prochaska Change theory emphasizes the stages people need to go through to get to the action part of change: pre-contemplation, contemplation, and preparation. According to this theory, change isn't something you usually just logically decide to do, and then do. One must first feel stirrings internally, then face and resolve the ambivalence about letting go of the status quo. One must also prepare with an action plan. The problem is that folks can get lost in any one of the stages, overthinking the whole thing. The fallacy is that once the ambivalence is "resolved", one will be sufficiently motivated to act. Deciding why something like stopping smoking is good for you, is important. Knowing your tools to achieve it is vital. Having an action plan, especially one which makes the process more pleasant, is critical. But to "pull the trigger" don't wait for a burning desire (excuse the pun) to ban the butts. Just do it.

I use this psychology in my own life as well. If I think about my motivation to pay bills or do book work, I'm dead in the water. I'll even vacuum the house, or clean toilets to avoid it! So I think of it this way: there are some things in life that are equivalent to bad tasting medicine - horrible going down, but good for you in the long run. The challenge is twofold:

1. Make the "medicine" taste better so you're more apt to take it.
2. Make your motivation for action the "caboose", not the "locomotive". In other words, focus on how you feel about it after you've done it, not before.

So if you're avoiding something you need to do which you know will be good for you, like exercising regularly, don't wait for the stars to line up as a sign of the "perfect moment". Stop thinking about it so much on the front end. Just do it! You'll be glad you did.

Gotta go take those nasty vitamins,
Susan Lager

Picking Fights

How's this for starting a sunny Saturday with your beloved hubby:
My husband Thom tells me during breakfast (before we're supposed to leave for a lovely day at our favorite lake), that he forgot to bring home the important papers he'd said we'd go over this weekend so we could make a major financial decision. No matter, we can do it during the week and hopefully it won't impact much.
I stand in the kitchen, bowl in hand, considering how hard I'd have to throw it to hit him in the face. Because I'm not a violent person, and I love my husband dearly in spite of his forgetfulness, I put the bowl down and opt for a less grisly choice. I walk out of the kitchen, leaving him to finish his freshly made omelette all by himself. Two minutes later, I can't help myself,  I come back into the kitchen, and find him nonchalantly chewing on his bagel, looking like his morning is going just peachy. I can't resist. I deploy the nuclear weapon:

"Thom, do you know what I think about when you minimize important things, when you forget stuff, and when it doesn't seem to faze you? Do you want to know? Would you like to know what goes through my head? I think the only option for me is to jump off the Piscataqua Bridge! It would end my suffering. I'd never have to be victimized by your forgetfulness again! Suicide. It would be quick, and less painful than living with you! They'd probably never find me, and you could do your own thing!"

Still chewing, he looks at me blankly. "Why don't you go for your run before we leave, I think you need it."

"A run isn't going to solve this! How can I go to the lake with you? I'll never be able to depend on you! What if I'm drowning? You'd forget to save me!"

And with that, he puts down his bagel and walks out of the room saying he'll spend the day by himself because he's obviously too dangerous to hang around with.

Three important things you need to know before I proceed:

1. I love my husband dearly. He's a sweetie pie. He's dependable. He's a bit forgetful.
2. I would never jump off the Piscataqua bridge. I'm not suicidal, or depressed, or hopeless, especially over a piece of paper. Besides, it's a LONG way down.....
3. I'm from New York, and I'm dramatic. We New Yorkers tend toward hyperbole. And we say some things purely for effect. (You have to, when you're one in ten million!)

Luckily, in my mid-twenties I became a psychotherapist, (probably partly to temper the innate hot-headedness in me which New York amplified). Part of the training is to do a lot of your own therapy, to understand the process, and to learn how to "steer your own ship". One of the things you learn, if you're a good student, is how and why you might pick fights. You also learn how to take the high road, and fess up when you've been an ass.

Fast forward back to my kitchen where Thom has dejectedly decided to finish his bagel. I walk in holding the beach bag full of fun stuff, flash a big smile and say, "Re-do! How would you like to go to the lake with your ridiculous wife who's great at ruining a morning?  I'm sorry for jumping on you. Let's have a great day."

He ambles over to me, grins, gives me a big bagel kiss, and says, "Let's go, Jumper."

(If you choose to pick a fight, you can also choose to end it).........

Gotta go swimming,
Susan Lager

The Self-Talk Test

I work with couples every day around the issue of managing perceived hurts, disappointments, and insults. One partner says or does something, and the other partner reacts to it internally before formulating a response. This initial internal response is usually about a thought the receiver has about what he or she perceives has just happened. It comes in the form of self talk, something the receiver says to him or herself about the occurrence. It generally involves some "meaning making" or interpretation of the event. (example: "He keeps forgetting the shopping list because I'm not that important to him!"). This critical self talk part of the process colors the whole ensuing event. What people say to themselves then effects the feelings about the event, and ultimately the behavior related to it.

So, listen to your self talk, and take this quick test:

1.  Are you routinely assigning negative meanings to your partner's behavior? (List them).
2. Might there be more benign meanings for it? What would they be? (List them).
3. Ask a reasonable person who knows and cares about both of you, what meaning they would make of the behavior.
4. Are you recycling some old, worn out narratives which applied to any other relationships earlier in your life? (List each next to its corresponding relationship).
5. Pay attention, and you may avoid talking yourself out of a good relationship!

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager

A Very Special Birthday

Twenty-four years ago, right about now, I was in labor with our son Alec. I was clueless about how I’d live through the pain, and even more clueless about the grand adventure my husband and I were about to embark upon. I had never felt parenthood was part of my destiny, so making the decision to have a child was more like tossing a coin - “heads”: lets have a kid - maybe it will be fun, with no later-in-life wistfulness, “tails”: no kid - less noise and expense, more travel and sleep. So it turned out to be heads, and what an amazing journey it has been!  The experience of love so visceral, the joys so intense, the vulnerability so raw, the pride so vast, the sense of discovery so unending, the learning so constant, the mistakes so stupid, the fatigue so frequent, the disappointments so heartbreaking, the laughter and fun so deep, (on and on and on....)

So for anyone out there contemplating taking on the most important job in life with love in your heart, emotional consciousness, courage, diligence, and “ready enoughness”, I hope it will be “heads” for you too!

Happy birthday Alec, you are the most precious gift ever..........

Be Intentional!

I was reading a piece recently about "professional success" as defined by reaching whatever goals you've set out for yourself. It had to do with being authentic, and digging down to figure out what your own dreams are, and not just following someone else's agenda.

When I think of success in any endeavor, what comes to mind for me is being intentional. It's okay to fall into some things like a new hairdo, a new restaurant, a random book to read, maybe even occasionally a random acquaintance, but when it comes to your goals and dreams about anything important, I don't think it's a great idea to let things happen by chance or accident. (You may find yourself in a lovely place doing something meaningful, or you may end up on the "wrong side of town" fighting for your life).

So if you want something, whether it's a better relationship with your significant other, or you want to learn how to juggle, be intentional about pursuing it. Create a clear vision of your goal, then make a map or action plan for how to get there. Anticipate road bumps, and how you'll get over them. Be clear about what you'll do to stay motivated. Keep your eye on the prize and you'll have quicker, more obvious success.
I'm being very intentional about savoring all the beauty and sweetness of the summer, so I gotta go pack the bikes back on the car again.......
Back sooner or later,

Susan Lager

Summertime Blues

If you live in  New England, (or anywhere else with a seven month winter), you have a love-hate relationship with the place and the weather. Here on the coast of Maine and New Hampshire we adore the ocean, the nearby lakes and mountains, Boston and Portland just a stone's throw away, and the intoxicating beauty of the place.  The downside is that right about now in the middle of the summer, people start getting nervous about the looming arctic freeze,  all the fun experiences they need to pack in before the snow flies, and depressed about what they haven't done yet during the teeny- weeny summer season.  (I've labelled it "New England Seasonal Affective Disorder"). It's more commonly referred to as the Summertime Blues.

What's the "cure"? Try to live in the moment, savoring each and every experience. Be present! Do one thing at once, so you're fully participating in the activity. Also, make a list of all the things you wanted to do and haven't yet done. Come up with an action plan to bring those experiences to life, asking your "significant others" for help, so you don't get overwhelmed with "plan overload", leaving yourself open to those dreaded Summertime Blues.  Also, recognize that it's quality, not quantity that counts. If you do one meaningful, fun thing each weekend with your own good company, or someone you care about, and incorporate a few new playful activities into your work week, you'll have more of a sense of living well. And just think, when the flowers and the greenery are all gone in a few months, winter will have its beauty as well, (other than shoveling, black ice, hailstorms, five layers of clothing, dry skin, and power outages.)

Happy rest of summer,

Susan Lager

"Communication Problems Gone with 5 Simple Fixes"

Tune in to my BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 9PM EST toll-free 877-497-9046 for an open microphone show about remedies for the most common communication problems. Join the conversation and share your dilemmas and thoughts. It should be fun!

Susan Lager

Casey Anthony Verdict

One can't escape the incredible news about Casey Anthony clearly looking like she's gotten away with murder. People everywhere are outraged,  disenchanted with the American legal system, and also sadly feeling cynicism and resignation about the lack of fairness and justice in the world. Murderers get set free, while Willie Nelson gets probable jail time for possession of 3 ounces of marijuana. The world is upside down! Spouses who lie and cheat fare no worse in court than spouses who have been loyal and true. Life-long, diligent employees get muscled out of companies to make room for cheaper "twenty somethings" with questionable skills. Parents abuse their kids verbally and often physically without consequences. Drunk drivers slaughter innocent victims en route to work or a family picnic. What does one do to avoid pessimism and utter despair??

It's really a matter of where you put your attention. Focus instead, each day on all the goodness, generosity, kindness, and love in your everyday life. Connect with the toll-taker, the clerk, the server, the mechanic, the teller, the boss, the neighbor, the friend, the co-worker. Be intentional about finding innocence, decency, good will, courage, humor, creativity, humility, compassion, and joy in all the people you encounter. You will find an abundance of all those things if you just look for them. Then, even with all its injustice and cruelty, the world will feel like a safer, happier home to you.

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

PS.  Tune in to my next BlogTalk Radio show, "Communication Problems Gone With Simple Five-Minute Fixes" on Wednesday, July 13th at 9PM. Call in live to participate in the discussion at toll-free 877-497-9046.

Gone Fishing

I'm a very regimented person. I get up at the same time each day, do the morning teeth and face cleanse, make a cup of coffee, balance my accounts, pay some bills, answer my voicemail, check my email, do some dishes, dead-head the garden flowers, make my lunch, do a workout, watch the news, eat the same breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, drive to my office, see some clients, return more voicemails, grab the same lunch, see more clients, answer more voicemails, schmooze with colleagues, drive home, make some calls, change clothes, go for a garden walk, have some dinner with my husband / son, watch more news, do some writing, do some reading, and go to bed. Then it all starts and ends the same way the next day until the weekend when it's a different, slightly more exotic routine.

I'm also very governed by "shoulds" like, "I should keep appointments", "I should work out six days a week", "I should be more patient", "I should always be learning", "I should write in my blog", "I should write another article", "I should finish my book", "I should finish my membership site", "I should finalize my trademark", I should prepare for my radio show", "I should get my finances ready for the accountant and Quickbooks", "I should go to more plays and concerts", "I should answer my Facebook messages", "I should volunteer", "I should go back to Italy", "I should lose twenty pounds", "I should be a better friend, sister, mother, and wife", "I should exfoliate more often", "I should talk more slowly", "I should stretch daily", "I should clean the refrigerator".  (On and on, and on, and on.....) It's a wonder I'm not depressed!  It's also a wonder that for the first time in six months, and after thirteen radio shows I've produced and hosted, that I decided to forego the June 29th "Communication Problems" episode, reschedule it to July 13th, and put up a sign saying, "Gone Fishing"!!!!!!!! So if any of this "good girl" routine sounds familiar to you, remember that sometimes, for some of us, goofing off is, (as Martha would say), "a very good thing!"

I should go to bed,

Susan Lager

Are We Having Fun Yet?

As usual in June, I've noticed more cancellations for therapy and coaching sessions lately. People are capitalizing on the random glorious weather, and understandably wanting to leave their problems behind, and have some fun! The beaches are starting to get more active, the lobster joints busier, and the garden shops are humming. I love this time of year in Maine and New Hampshire as it comes alive with tourists and locals spending time and money enjoying themselves. The therapist in me has a word of caution, however:  Remember that "fun" isn't just about where you are and what you're doing, but whom you're with, and whether the activity, timing, and unfolding of it  feels mutually desirable. Unless you love your solitude as "fun", remember that "fun" is usually about something co-created and often negotiated. It won't be fun for your partner if you jam something they feel is unsavory down their throat, like dump-picking, or long hikes in the woods in 90 degree weather.  Remember to negotiate what you both do, and how and when you do it! Then when you ask, "Are we having fun yet?", you'll probably get a resounding, "OH, YES!!"

Off to the beach,

Susan Lager

PS.  If you have kids, try to do things you enjoy also. It will be more fun for all.

Sex And Marriage - Are They Compatible Long-Term?

If you're married and have questions about sex problems with your spouse, want more sex, better sex, or none, tune in to my BlogTalk Radio show, The Couplespeak Relationship Forum, tomorrow, June 15th 9PM EST toll-free 877-497-9046, or live streaming at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager. My guest is Judith Rowan, PhD.,  a NH certified sex therapist. Ask the expert!

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

Prepare For Summer!

There's a unique New England condition I call "New England Seasonal Affective Disorder". It happens every late Spring as people begin to feel the exhilaration of the warmer weather, and the landscape coming alive again after about eight months of grey dormancy, and frigid temperatures. I routinely hear folks complaining about every weekend which isn't stellar, and ramping up with anxiety about balancing the enormous "to do" list regarding home projects, with fun activities. My brother-in-law Joe says, "Move to Florida and enjoy talking and thinking about things other than the weather! Liberate yourself!" I think, maybe he's right -- what would it be like to presume glorious days every day, and not try to pack it all into one or two a week (usually during the work week)? How would it feel to be released from all that pressure and uncertainty? Then I think, it would be nice, but how about being surrounded by all that commercialization and concrete? To have alligators in your lakes? To have lots and lots of sharks everywhere in the ocean? To have backyards the size of a postage stamp? To have cockroaches and snakes camping out in your house and garden? To have gargantuan hurricanes for six months a year?  To have to be in great bathing suit shape all year long!?

No, I think I'll stick with the bipolar New England weather, and just prepare for summer every year with angst, excitement and dread, and enjoy all the joys of living on the edge.

Gotta go have some fun before the rain arrives,

Susan Lager

PS. Tune in to my BlogTalk Radio show on Wednesday, June 15th at 9PM EST (toll-free: 877-497-9046). My guest is Judith Rowan, a well-known sex therapist who will be discussing sexual issues in marriage with me. It should be very interesting!

Newsflash!!!!!

Hello Reader,

Exciting news! I'm appearing on The Seacoast Promo Radio Show tomorrow between noon and 1:00 EST to talk about couples surviving and thriving in these challenging times. It was a stretch to accept the engagement, as it's my birthday, and I usually laze out and don't do anything which may feel challenging on my big day. But I figured, what the heck, nobody ever got killed pushing themselves a bit on their birthday, so I added it to my "bucket list" along with zip-lining under a jungle canopy, writing my first book, getting acupuncture, and running, not speed-walking for cardio. Here's the details if you're interested:

Seacoast Promo Radio

Sponsored by the Cameron Home Team

Innovative solutions for today’s real estate market

http://Cameronhometeam.com

"Listen-in this Saturday June 4th between 12:00 and 1:00 on 1540 WXEX AM Exeter New Hampshire. Go to the websites below and listen on-line if you live outside of the area.
http://www.seacoastpr.com
http://1540wxex.com/

Our next show will explore how couples and people in general are dealing with this challenging economy. Our two guests, Portsmouth based psychotherapist and couples coach Susan Lager and Exeter Pub owner Rob Ficara who is always coming up with new inexpensive activities and events for people to have fun."

Goodnight and Good Luck (to me),

Susan Lager

"Out of Work, Not Out of Options"

Hello Reader,

Tune in to my next BlogTalk Radio Show tonight, Wed., 6/1 at 9PM EST for a vital show about unemployment and how to manage it as well as possible, keeping possibilities open, and not going crazy in the process. My guest is David Gray, a former HR exec for Lindt Chocolate and Lonza Biologics, a recruiter, and most recently a career consultant. He has lots of wisdom, tools and insights about how to handle this new reality. Call toll-free: 877-497-9046. It should be fun and informative!

Susan Lager
PS. Put your car in the garage in case it hails, and call from the basement in case there's a tornado, so you're safe while you join us......

Rebuilding After The Tornado

Hello Reader,

We've all been glued to our TV's watching the devastation to lives and landscape after the tornado in Missouri. It's been equally as amazing to see the resolve and resilience of the victims in their determination to rebuild their lives and their community! They do some things which I think are critical to psychological and physical reconstruction, and which we could all take as important examples for "moving on" after any trauma:

1. They grieve their losses together.
2. They value what's most important from the wreckage.
3. They celebrate what's indestructible - the bonds with loved ones.
4. They help each other to take the beginning steps of rebuilding.
5. They share their stories.
6. They ask for help.

Hats off to the people of Missouri for their model of courage, determination, and humanity in this crisis!

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

In The Path Of The Tornado

Hello Reader,

What a sad time this is for thousands of people who went about their business on an ordinary Sunday, and found themselves homeless, surrounded by death, and utter destruction later that evening! Even though few of us can begin to imagine the horror they endured, most of us can connect with the idea that life is fragile, and that nothing is a "given".

The tragedy made me think about not only the heroism and resilience of the human spirit we all witness in these events, but also the sacred bonds we have with each other. As a therapist and coach, I work with people every day to help them actively cherish these bonds. I also ask myself if I too, have cherished my precious relationships, or taken them for granted lately?

I encourage anyone who loves someone, or many "someone's", to imagine that a tornado like the one in Missouri could be headed in your direction. Whom would you protect? What last minute bargain would you be making with the Universe or your own conception of God, regarding what you promise you'd do differently, given another chance? Would you love better? Would you be kinder? Would you tune in more? Would you stop to smell the roses? Then proceed to live your life more mindfully and open-heartedly "in the path of the tornado".

Goodnight,

Susan Lager