Are You A Lazy Husband?

Calling all lazy husbands! You (should) know who you are: you leverage your wife's need to keep the peace, her need for order, her need to please, to take care of everyone, her guilt, her less than terrific self esteem, etc. You cash in on it with lots of napping, watching TV, drinking beer, puttering in the garage, puttering with your car or motorcycle, yakking with the neighbors (also remiss husbands), checking your email, looking at porn, and just being a couch potato with the dog or cat.
Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of loving, generous husbands who do their fair share of the work on the home front. There are also lots of wives who drop the ball on their husbands, letting them do 80% of the work, while they work out, play tennis, have lunch with friends, and shop, or read, or putter around. Right now I'm focusing on lazy husbands who cop out, because it's probably a more common complaint wives have, than husbands have, and because I can't talk about everything at once.

If you've heard your wife complain with some frequency about your lack of participation around the house, you can either discount her as a chronic, unprovoked nag, or you can do some soul searching about the possible kernels of truth in her complaints. If you choose the latter, you might want to examine what you're trying to accomplish with doing less. Maybe, it's your way of flipping her the bird, because you feel resentful about things the two of you don't discuss. Maybe you feel unappreciated for the other things you do in your life together. Maybe the two of you have set up a "parent-child" dynamic, with you playing the part of the lax child, needing to be scolded by a parent, a scenario which might mirror your family of origin dynamic. Maybe it's your way of getting attention, feeling short-changed by your wife's attention to the kids and relatives. Maybe you were just trained by your family to expect others to wait on you, and feel it's your entitlement.

Whatever drives your under-functioning, kmow that being a lazy husband always has consequences. Don't expect her to be warm and fuzzy in the bedroom, when the context is one of disparate contribution to the work load.
Don't think she'll forget it and be available for fun and lightness, with time and distraction. Don't expect to feel good about yourself, down deep, when you know on some level that you aren't carrying your own weight. Do expect resentment, a disengaged, cold shoulder, more nagging, and a buildup of contempt.
The good news is that if you use your words about what bothers you or what you need, instead of acting it out through under-functioning, you can open up potentially constructive dialogue about who needs what, and what to do about it. It's far more constructive and mature. You'll also avoid the unpleasantness of life in the dog house. It's your call......

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager

Couple skills are learnable! Two powerful, new Couplespeak™ coaching programs available!

As of today, I am offering two powerful new coaching programs for people in partnerships:


The CoupleSchool Fast-Track Program, is a four-session, in person or Skype, private Couplespeak™ training experience specifically tailored to new couples, new parents, newly retired couples, or people in second marriages who want to develop realistic expectations, and a blueprint for the relationship going forward. Learn the "6 C's" essential to all intimate partnerships, and get off to a great start! It will be a fast education worth having!


The Couplespeak™ Relationship Tune-up is a six-session, in person or Skype, private training experience ideal for couples in a committed partnership, who feel stuck in: conflict, communication problems, or a lack of connection and vitality. This unique program utilizes original Couplespeak™ materials derived from my many years as a licensed, board certified psychotherapist, having helped thousands of individuals and couples to solve their partnership problems and to achieve more joy.

Sign up today, and get the low, introductory rates at: SusanLager.com "Products" page

Kayaking As A Bonding Tool For Couples

My husband and I have been kayaking for about fifteen years, long before it became a "cool" thing to do. It started as a family activity with our son, and now that we're (sort of) "empty nesters", it continues to be the miracle cure for all that ails us as a couple.
You can see from the picture on the left that it seems to have the same effect on that couple!

We began this season last Sunday on a pristine pond in York, Maine. We were both facing grueling work weeks, taxes, piles of Spring chores, calls to be returned, bills to be paid, dishes, laundry, and enough other stuff to make us bark at each other all morning. Then, after less than two minutes on the water, all was bliss. We were smiling, "cloud painting," taking pictures of turtles, and joyfully paddling around the pond.
I've come to the conclusion that kayaking is the perfect antidote to stress, and the perfect bonding tool for couples, singles, or groups. You're totally in the moment of the movement through the water, the breeze on your skin, negotiating the in's and out's of the shoreline, and watching the wildlife (we once had a moose swim right in front of our boats!). I prefer solo kayaks, because they allow you each to do your own thing when you want to, then be together when you want that. It's the perfect balance of independence and connection. Getting there requires the collaborative effort of putting the boats onto your car carrier and tying them down, then taking them off and launching, then putting them back up again. Often you bring a snack or picnic lunch. In warmer weather you can swim or just float around. If you're a high adrenaline couple, you can savor the thrills of white water together. (I've enjoyed that too,
though not exactly "relaxing.")

No, I'm not a rep for a kayak company. I'm telling you this because kayaking is one kind of "high energy fun,"and fun is vital for couples to experience together for bonding. It's also the kind of "in the moment" activity vital for all of us, coupled or not, to have in our "refueling" repertoires.
So, if you're near water, try it! If boating isn't your thing, do something else which brings you pleasure, and takes you away from all the busy stressors in your life.

Cheers and Happy Spring!
Susan Lager
PS.  My new "CoupleSchool Fast-Track Program" is now available for sale through my website at:
       http://wp.me/P1ayQF-d6

Dr. Leanne Tigert Discussing Lesbian Relationships on 4/11 BlogTalk Radio Show 8 PM EST!

Don't miss this vital show about the struggles and strengths of lesbian relationships, and how faith and The Church can have a key impact on the core issues involved. My co-host is Dr. Leanne Tigert, a licensed pastoral psychotherapist, ordained minister, educator, internationally recognized keynote speaker, facilitator, and writer who specializes in the area of diversity, conflict management, sexuality, and religion.

Call in at 8 PM EST toll-free at 877-497-9046 and join us live on the air!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Tax Time Crazies

a

Every year starting in March, and going through April 15th, most everyone I know, myself included, gets weirded out about taxes. Preparing them for the accountant, realizing all the money spent on ridiculous things, waiting to find out the verdict about what's owed or what, if anything will be refunded, then PAYING FOR IT!
Most dining room tables have long been lost to piles of papers, documenting finances for the past year. Some tables, I hear, have remained in "tax mode" for years!
It's a little bit like pregnancy and childbirth. The buildup is literally and figuratively huge, the event is unnerving, but then, thankfully it's over and forgotten - until the next time around.

The one consolation is that you are not alone. Thousands and thousands of people procrastinate to the very end when dealing with taxes. (I have clients who were just beginning the whole process this week!)
Thousands more are checking their mailboxes daily to get the package back from the accountant telling them if they're screwed or not. (I see at least one neighbor doing this each day.)
Everyone moans about it. Nobody has a viable alternative though, if you like having drivable roads, safe bridges, public schools, and such things.

My best advise? Remind yourself that:
1. This is the un-fun part of being an adult.
2. This too shall pass - at least until next year.......

Cheers,
Susan Lager