Talk About Being Thankful!

If you live in the Northeast and your landscape looked anything like this on Thanksgiving, chances are the experience of gratitude took on a whole new meaning this year! When was the last time you felt extremely thankful for having the prerogative to wash your hands with warm running water, or to flush a toilet after doing your business? Or, have you felt thankful for the ability to roast a turkey in the oven properly and not heat up a measly chicken on the grill, after mushing through a foot of snow to get there? Do you routinely want to marry the generator repairman just because he shows up in a timely way? (This time, in the middle of Thanksgiving day!) Are you very grateful when your quirky family shows up, alive? How about feeling thankful for having lights and heat on, simultaneously? Well, I sure was this holiday!

Maybe the universe laughed at us, delivering a big message in an inconvenient but timely way, wacking us with a N'oreaster right in the middle of a holiday geared toward being more thankful. Message understood, thank you.... 

Upcoming BlogTalk Episode 11/12/14 8:30 PM EST: "Dealing with Toxic Relatives During the Holidays"

Don't miss my next half hour BlogTalk Radio episode "Dealing with Toxic Relatives During the Holidays" on Wednesday, November 12th at 8:30 PM EST. I'll be sharing some key strategies for managing the "emotional vampires" who may be sitting at the table with you,  ready to suck the life out of the party. Tune in and get some vital tools to "hold onto yourself," preserving a sense of peace and happiness during these events.

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions, comments, or ideas of your own. If the lines are busy, call the regular number: 760-542-4114. I look forward to your being there!

Finally Time for Some Fun!

It's been way too long since I've checked in here with all you folks! It's been a very busy Fall with new clients signing on, several of whom have been Discernment Counseling couples. Then on weekends I've been doing the "end of corporate year" drill, preparing tax figures for my accountant - one of my most hated things to do in life. On top of that, add on changing from Summer to Fall clothes, schlepping boxes down from the attic (I live in a lovely older house with pathetic closet space). Then, mix in Fall chores, cleaning up the gardens, putting away summer fun stuff (again, up in an attic, this time the one above the garage). Into the mix add on a new workout regime designed to strengthen my healing broken ankle - no fun there, mostly a torture invention on a Bosu Ball, designed by Janet, the Nazi trainer. (Only kidding - she's a sweetie pie). Then, mix in appliance breakdowns needing repair, Fall soup cooking, and of course, the perennial website glitches, like, what ever happened to my damned footer????!!!! And, why won't TinyMCE allow me to insert images anymore? Not to mention the newest problem with links! (Don't get me going - the good, amazing news is that I got all the previous stuff done, AND figured out how to insert HTML code into my posts! Victory! Perseverance wins!

So, here I am, back again, happy to say hello, and ready for some serious FUN again. Let the games begin.....:-)

Cheers,                                                                                                                                                 Susan                                                                                                                                                       P.S.  Part of the "fun" for me will be bringing you ideas about relationship issues and scheduling my next BlogTalk Radio episode with my friend and colleague, Meredith Richardson, this coming Wednesday, November 12th. Stay tuned for the topic announcement.

"Sex Therapy Online" - Don't miss this BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 8:30 PM EST!

You don't want to miss this episode tonight at 8:30 PM! My guest will be Rhiannon Beauregard, an experienced sex therapist in New England who's entire practice is now online! We'll discuss what sex therapy is and is not, when someone might be a candidate for this form of treatment, and the advantages of doing it online.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046, or if the lines are busy, call 760-542-4114 to join us live. Call in with a question or a comment, and hear from an expert. Hope you can make it! (If you can't make the live show, catch the recording at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/susanlager.)

"Sex Therapy Online" - My Next BlogTalk Radio Episode Wed. 10/15/14 8:30 PM EST. Don't Miss This One!

I have a really exciting half hour BlogTalk Radio episode coming up this Wednesday, October 15th at 8:30 PM EST! The show title is "Sex Therapy Online - Is It For You"? My guest will be Rhiannon Beauregard, a certified sex therapist, who will be talking about online sex therapy, what it is, how it works, and when it might be the most useful form of treatment. Call in with questions or comments toll-free 877-497-9046, or if the lines are busy call 760-542-4114. Hope you can be there live! 

Tired of Waiting for Time Off? Use "Time On" Instead!

As the seasons change, many people I know are bemoaning the loss of "time off" they've had in the summer. There's an obvious feeling of ambivalence about the upcoming season of busyness and social obligations dovetailing with work and family responsibilities. People tend to dread being over scheduled and deprived of personal time to self-nurture or play. The myth we seem to have bought into in the American culture is that one needs to be on vacation to fully experience joy, spontaneity, discovery and meaningful connection.

I invite you instead, to explore the experience of what I call "time on," or living your everyday life with more wonder, appreciation and joy. Start by regularly taking a "snapshot" of the present moment - notice your breathing, the air on your skin, the color of the sky, the sound of the wind in the leaves. Notice the quality of the conversation and connection with the person facing you. Take a "snapshot" of this sharing as it is unfolding. Savor it. Drive more slowly and take in the tones of the changing season. Take a "snapshot" of that field of hay, or the person trying to get somewhere in the car next to you. Take a risk and smile at them and your common circumstance. Be more playful with yourself and those around you. Laugh at yourself more often. Be physical - dance, walk, run, move! Appreciate the daily work your body does for you, and treat it with kindness and compassion. Stop, and pet your dog or your cat if you have one. It will be good for both of you. Pick a wildflower and stick it in your hair. Write a poem, play an instrument. Turn off your automatic TV watching, and read a good book or listen to a symphony.

Just be present for your life each day, not just for one or two weeks of vacation in the summer. Use your "time on," your everyday life, to be cognizant of, and grateful for your blessings. You'll be a much happier person.......

Cheers,                                                                                                                                                
Susan                                                                                                                                                      

PS. Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist and eloquent writer, is a terrific resource for the issues of happiness, staying present and in the "now." You can get any of his wonderful books on these subjects at my Amazon store by going to: http://astore.amazon.com/wwwsusanlagec-20

Here Comes Winter

Here it is, October 1st, the leaves are falling, the temperature has dropped radically, and most noticeably, it's getting dark at about 5:30 PM.  No doubt about it, the summer of 2014 has come and gone. Before we know it, we'll be bundled up in winter coats, shoveling or snow-blowing our driveways, freezing our butts getting into frigid cars, looking at a grey and white landscape and hiding out indoors. I love it!

When I admit that, everyone I know, (except for one client today), looks at me like I have two heads. They freely complain about all the above developments, expecting me to commiserate, and when instead I get all warm and fuzzy about the upcoming winter, they probably begin to wonder if they're sitting with a sane person. Some never come back for another session...

I'm convinced that I have the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder - the condition in which people's brain chemistry shifts into depressive mode around the lowered level and duration of light in the colder months. For me, I get happier as the skies get grayer and the weather gets murkier. I call it "sultry" weather - nice and cloudy and real chilly. It reminds me of happy adventures in Ireland and England. It may also be some fragment of genetic memory from my slavic ancestry, harkening me back to the cold, dark weather in Russia and Poland, where my grandparents grew up. Or, maybe I really am psychotic. But whatever the origin, I'll share some reasons why you too might look forward to the six month "winter" we're famous for here in Maine, instead of getting all bummed out about it:

• If it was warm and sunny all the time you'd lose the excitement about seasonal changes
• When it's murky and cold out there's no pressure to do fabulous things outdoors
• Grey, cold days give you space to be more still and contemplative, less busy
• There's no need for air conditioners, fans, and other costly energy hogs
• You don't have to tend to your garden or your lawn when there's 2 feet of snow outside
• Without the cold winter you'd never have an excuse to wear all those fabulous boots
• Baths and hot tubs are much more delectable when you're freezing your ass
• You have much more reason to tuck in with a good movie, book or instrument
• How would you ever experience the joy of skiing or snowshoeing without the snow?
• Without winter there would be no good soups, stews or comfort food
• There's no joy like climbing under a cozy down quilt when it's frigid outside
• Monotone landscapes rest your eyes and brain from all the vibrant summer colors
• You pet your thankful dog, cat or hamster more when you're hanging out indoors
• You have more time to read deep, thought-provoking blogs like this one

What more can I say?

So, if you have S.A.D., and are starting to get depressed facing the end of summer, get one of those special lights to reset your brain chemistry, sit back and relax!

When Things Fall Apart: 9/17/14 BlogTalk Radio Show at 8:30 PM EST

Don't miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode tonight about the subject of dealing with life when things fall apart. We've all had the experience at times of dealing with crises which create a sense of chaos and uncertainty - maybe the loss of a loved one, or a debilitating health issue, or the loss of a job or business. It always feels horrible and destabilizing, and often creates a story of victimhood or bitterness for us. But the fact is that misery is just another part of life - it inevitably comes with the joy, relief, and triumph that are also part of our experience.

Tune into this half hour episode tonight and join the discussion or just listen in, and hear about some attitudes and behavioral tools which may help you to accept some of these hardships as part of being human, and move through these experiences with more wisdom and perspective. Call toll-free 877-497-9046, or if the lines are busy call 760-542-4114. I hope you can join me! If you can't make the live show, listen to it online at your convenience by going to www.BlogTalkRadio/SusanLager.com

Automate To De-Stress

My husband Thom has a weird evening ritual. Before going to bed he puts a clean pan and spatula on the stove, puts two plates next to it on the cutting board, silverware on top, and places napkins to the side. It's obvious that he's setting up breakfast prep for the next morning, but when I asked him why he wouldn't just do such a simple thing in the morning, he's told me that it's one less thing for him to think about when he has to get out the door early. This is a simple form of automation which obviously reduces his stress level the next day. It would take about thirty seconds to do it then, but the automated preparation takes it out of his head and allows him thirty more seconds of relaxation so he can ease into the day more comfortably.

Think about what effect it would have if you automated more "work" functions in this way:

• laying out your clothes the night before going to work
• removing wet towels and washcloths after a shower
• checking emails at a regular time each day
• doing a workout without thinking about your motivation
• putting dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher, not the sink
• applying sunscreen routinely during your morning toilette

Etc.......

Stress management specialists say that the more things you take out of your head to remember or track or do, especially under time constraints, the less stressed you will be. So, think about what you might automate the way Thom does for his morning routine, and see what happens!

Being Nice To Your Body

As you may be aware from my last post, "Zippy Goes Down," I had an accident several weeks ago, resulting in a broken ankle. It's required me to be hobbling around on an aircast when I have to move about, and to be mindful of each step, mindful of how much I rest, and to pay attention to the effects of all of this on, not only my foot, but my whole body. Aside from the lessons I've been learning about letting go, relaxing, and resilience, the experience has been teaching me something unexpected - to be more compassionate toward my body as it heals. This is something almost foreign for many women in America, who chronically complain about the size of their thighs, breasts, hips, etc., and compulsively beat their bodies into submission through crazy diets and brutal exercise regimens.

As I've watched my ankle grow stronger and seen the x-rays showing the healing bone, I've been amazed at the capacity of the human body, my body to bounce back with some TLC. It's made me think back to the amazement and respect I felt for my body after giving birth to our son without incident. (I did that?!) It's also made me much more appreciative of all the other things my loyal body does for me, usually without complaint every single day. So, I've made it my mission to befriend my body, as I think we all should, by being mindful of treating it with respect every day, appreciating it the way I would a trusted friend, and listening to it and the messages it gives me daily.

For a terrific little exercise about how to do this well, get Rick Hanson's book "Just One Thing" for all the details. You can find it through the "Store" page of my website, then go to "My Amazon Store" and click on the link to Amazon. You don't have to wait to break an ankle or an arm to do it. Cultivate compassion for your body (and yourself!) and your body will thank you back for a lifetime.

Zippy Goes Down

I am fondly referred to in my family as "Zippy" because I do everything really FAST. They call me the "Nazi Walker" because nobody can keep up with me. I've been known as the "speed gardener," famous for a few inadvertant self stabs in the eye with thorns when rushing through hedge trimming. (See blogpost "Speed Gardening and the Revenge of the Sandcherry"). I talk fast, I eat fast, I write fast, I even do Yoga fast. I can't help it - I'm from New York, and many people there are the same way. But today, Zippy went down, trying out a new pair of running shoes in the house at full speed going around corners.

You might ask: "Are you an idiot? What's the rush?" But it's the way I'm wired, and I figure I save loads of time zipping through laundry, dishes, bills, workouts, etc. I'm entering my "last chapter" of life, so there's no time to waste - I have too much to do!

The side benefit of this injury today, (I probably fractured my ankle), was that I had to STOP everything, laze around, resting, icing, compressing and elevating my foot. No spotting my husband who would be chopping down mammoth trees, uprooting unsightly bushes, killing Japanese beetles, cooking for the next few days, folding laundry, buying another router from Best Buy, running in my new sneakers, nada. Just vegging out, nursing my injury and spending nine hours (!) online setting up my new Amazon Store. So you, lucky reader, now have the benefit of shopping from your couch on my Amazon Store page at http://wp.me/P1ayQF-Vc  (I've been wanting to set it up for months, but I'm usually zipping around doing everything else). Sometimes sitting still has it's benefits :-)

Discernment Counseling Update

I've been doing Discernment Counseling for several months at this point. (For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it's a form of treatment specially designed for "mixed agenda" couples, where one person wants to continue the relationship and has hope for improving it, and the other person feels done and is "leaning out," but hasn't yet pulled the plug. It's a one to five session form of treatment geared to help the couple move toward one of three choices:  stay in the status quo, or break up, or do the work of reconciliation. It's a decisional therapy, not regular couples therapy which presumes mutual energy and commitment toward improving the relationship. It is designed to help "couples on the brink" avoid the time, expense and frustration of  half-hearted couples therapy). I can tell you right now that it works! I don't yet have any hard statistics, but in my experience so far I've found that this way of working really resonates for couples in this dilemma for the following reasons, among many:

1. Both partners tend to feel understood and honored, as nobody is being "sold" the continuation of the relationship. Instead, the three paths are intricately explored, with each partner exploring their own part in the negative history, as well as in possibilities for change of any kind.
2. The "leaning out" partner doesn't feel pursued or pressured to stay in the relationship by the therapist (who often in regular couples therapy would mirror the pursuit of the "leaning in" partner by encouraging strategies for improving things). Instead, they are given space to explore any ambivalence they may have about moving on, as well as space to look at their own contributions to the situation.
3. The "leaning in" partner is helped to look at how to bring their best self to the work, and not humiliate themself in the process, as well as exploring their understanding and willingness to address their partner's concerns.
4. Clients report really appreciating the format, where we begin the session by meeting all together, then each is seen individually while the other leaves the room, ending with us all reconvening so partners can share their thoughts and feelings about what they have each gained or taken from their individual sessions. I get regular feedback about how each person feels safer having their own time with me to look at the issues, and what they want to convey to their partner about what they've learned.
5. I observe a tremendous lessening of defensiveness and commotion without both partners in the room at all times, given free reign to talk at each other. There is very strict protocol for each segment of the sessions. This is not a free-for-all, duplicating the toxic dance the couple has already been doing. It's a carefully guided exploration.
6. So far, this form of treatment has moved most seemingly intractable couples toward a more solid, trusted decision about their future relationship.

I am in the process of pursuing advanced training in this work, so I can envision ironing out some of the kinks which come up, like the time management piece - (there's lots to cover in a particular sequence each session, something a bit foreign to my more organic way of working). There are also unique dilemmas presented by each couple which require attention and sensitivity. We're nowhere near perfect, but Discernment Counseling is experienced as a whole different thing by couples on the brink of a split.

For any "mixed agenda" couple interested in getting out of a stalemate around the direction of your relationship, feel free to contact me in my Portsmouth office to further discuss the possibility of doing Discernment Counseling with me. I have some openings at this point, but expect that as we move into the Fall my availability will be much more limited, as it usually is when Summer ends.

Hats Off To Market Basket Employees and Their Champion, Arthur T. Demoulas!

If you live in New England as I do, unless you've been hanging out under a rock, you're probably aware of the enormous drama playing out between the employees of the Market Basket supermarket chain and the corporate players who orchestrated a hostile takeover of the company, away from Arthur T. Demoulas, the beloved CEO of many years.

Apparently, a cousin, Arthur S Demoulas, was instrumental in the takeover, playing out an old, generational financial feud with the Arthur T. side of the family. The feud has unfolded now into the current vision for the supermarket chain, with Arthur T. representing a more humanistic, personal, more employee-friendly and neighborhood-friendly mission for the company, while Arthur S. is viewed as the embodiment of corporate greed, planning to radically raise prices, and streamline employee policies, among other things.

What has been amazing to watch as a consumer and as a therapist, is the level of love, loyalty and support this ousted family-friendly CEO has garnered from not only employees, but shoppers all over New England. The unfolding "strike" among non-unionized workers, and the boycott of all the stores, lobbying for Arthur T.'s reinstatement, has been an awe inspiring example of what can happen when people have felt respected and cared about - how they will risk everything to stand up for people who represent ideals which are important to them, especially when those values are now threatened. This unfolding drama also illustrates how much difference one person can make in a system, how much impact we all potentially can have! The shelves in all the stores are bare as thousands have joined the boycott, and the "striking" workers have vowed to stand firm until their beloved CEO and accompanying way of life are reinstated!

I would think it would be a wake up call for all employers about the huge impact treating their employees well can have, not only on morale, but also on the profitability of their businesses. Happy employees = good business. Employers who think they can motivate their staff with bullying, intimidation, and punishments are themselves relics of the Dark Ages. Inevitably, they will fail because employees need to feel appreciated, respected and defended, otherwise they will understandably be disloyal and unproductive.

And so, hats off to Arthur T., and to all you Market Basket employees for your courage, tenacity, and loyalty, in standing up for what your deserve and what you value. May you and Arthur T. prevail!                                                                                                                            

....And may all the rest of us take inspiration from your example.

BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight 7/2/14 8:30 PM EST: "Do You or Does Anyone You Love Have A Drinking Problem?"

If you've wondered if you or anyone you love has a drinking problem, then you

should tune into this next half hour episode. I'll be discussing the issues around

problematic drinking, and going through one of the standard tests: The Michigan

Alcohol Screening Test. I'll also share information about a self-test for blood 

alcohol level to help you take the guess work out of what's "too much" booze.

 

I thought that at this time, right before July 4th weekend and the summer of 

parties and social events, it would be a good opportunity to put this issue on 

the table. Many of my clients are already worried about how a loved one 

(or themself) will behave, given the time of year and all the social permission 

to drink excessively.

So, tune in at 8:30 PM EST by calling toll-free 877-497-9046 or if the lines 

are busy call 760-542-4114 to join me on the air with questions or comments. 

I'd love to have you, but if you can't make the live show, catch the recording 

at: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum anytime at your convenience.

All my best,

Susan Lager

Leaving Your Comfort Zone

I've recently returned from a Couples Retreat I conducted with Meredith Richardson on Star Island, NH.  Suffice it to say that the whole experience was a smashing success for not only the couples who participated, but for Meredith and myself as well.

For the couples who participated it was an exercise in moving out of their own routinized ways of seeing issues and behaving with each other. It was also an exercise in opening up with the other participants, and being vulnerable in a more public way. For me, it was an experience of leaving my own comfort zone in several ways: staying on an island for several days with a bunch of strangers, working closely with a colleague who brought very different credentials, skill sets, and ways of operating, and "roughing it" in a rustic setting without hot water, without a private bathroom, with limited shower times, and with "community meals." And guess what? No one got killed!

As a therapist I understand the value of trying new things toward creating new "grooves" in your brain, and even how novelty can ramp up pleasure and bonding for couples. I was reminded in a direct way however, about how valuable it can be to move out of one's comfort zone, challenge the status quo, and to try new things in the service of growth. Unless you're jumping off a cliff, what have you got to lose?

(Now, stay tuned for more terrific Couples Retreats on and off the coast of New Hampshire and Maine)......

How Was Your Father's Day?

For all you fathers out there, I hope your wives and children honored you on this, your special day. I hope you were reminded of how loved and needed your are, and how important your place is in the family.

Many fathers in our culture feel taken for granted or overlooked regarding their contributions to their families, as mothers are often more visible as "caregivers" to their families, even if they work at full time jobs outside the home. The nurturing role of moms is usually clear, with the role for dads, outside of helping to provide financially for their families, often less obvious. Rest assured, however, that dads are nurturers too, each in their own way. People who have had loving, engaged fathers generally feel that their dad's presence was vital to the family unit, as well as to their own self esteem and growth. Daughters get their initial template for male strength and love, one which clearly shapes their future partnerships, and sons are provided with a model about how to be man, a husband, and a father in our culture. Wives learn with their husbands about commitment, perspective, resilience and teamwork in the raising of children.

So, if you're an engaged, loving Dad, celebrate yourself today with the rest of us! (If you haven't been engaged or loving enough, remember that as long as you're breathing you can always do better!)

Technical Difficulties

I am a person who likes to feel in control. When I sign onto things, I like to think I can count on certain outcomes. Maybe I'm rigid.

Case in point: I am the host of a BlogTalk Radio show called The Couplespeak™ Relationship Forum. I've been doing the show for more than three years, have interviewed lots of fascinating guests, and have prided myself on being well prepared with an understanding of the issues, and questions that don't seem totally moronic. What I don't count on is encouraging callers to use the 877 toll-free line, then having them reach dead air, nada. Or, when I purchase a transcript of one of the shows, I don't expect it to read like hieroglyphics! What drives me crazy at this point in my life is dealing with products and services like this where all the tech support people are lovely, helpful and earnest, but the technical realities seem to come from the Stone Age!

Am I the only one who doesn't understand why suddenly the hugely expensive universal remote in the master bedroom no longer turns on the "PVR"? (whatever that is). Or, why the answering machine has decided not to answer? Is it just me, or have you too wanted to throw your fax machine out the window when it takes hours to connect, then suddenly stops giving you a "transmission report"? Not to mention my office microwave which inexplicably now takes two minutes to heat up a warm cup of coffee. Oh, I forgot - how about my wireless landline phone which now magically flicks off of "speakerphone" mode in the middle of a call? Is it unrealistic to expect that if I don't log off of the Square app on my phone, that I wouldn't have to log back in after the last transaction thirty seconds ago? Is it too much to ask that if I've set my alarm for 8 AM that I could change that to 8:10 if I want to snooze some more?

Am I the only one with such maddening, baffling and pervasive technical difficulties? Am I just too rigid in my expectations, or have I mysteriously landed on the wrong planet?

BlogTalk Radio Show: "What's Your Conflict Style? Take the Test" Wednesday, 5/28/14 8:30 PM EST

In this 45 minutes episode, Susan Lager co-hosts with Meredith Richardson, a collaborative lawyer, mediator and conflict coach on the Southern New England coast. Hosting other events together, such as couples retreats, the two women bring their own spin to the issue of conflict in marriage as well as in friendships and in the workplace. Lager and Richardson explore the different conflict styles, and explore how each of us learns to manage conflict based on earlier experiences and adaptations to those environments.

• Find out what triggers you and why, and how you manage it well or badly.
• Take one of the recommended Conflict Quizes to find out more about your own conflict style
• Get some ideas for avoiding the "same old fight'" with your partner! Get a head's up on getting along better with your spouse, friends, and co-workers!

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 at 8:30 EST to just listen in, or to join the conversation on the air with questions or comments. Don't miss this one - it should be lively!

Who is "Donotreply"?

Ever get an email from sender "Donotreply"? Well, I do, and whenever I get one, I wonder, WHO IS SHE? Why does she keep sending me messages? Did we ever meet, and maybe I forgot about it? Or maybe she's been spying on me, reading my other email messages, figuring I need a little excitement. Maybe she's a long lost cousin from Russia, a bit shy, wanting to reunite the family. Or maybe she's a neighbor f**ck#ng around with my head, thinking I make her look bad, with all my regular speed walks. I wonder where she lives? Is she a cyber-creature lurking somewhere between the words? Or maybe she hides out next to the crumbs between the couch seat cushions. I go to bed at night wondering if she's lonely and just wants to play. I wake up to find she's sent me more emails: "Do this...... Do that....... Click on this link.......Go to this page............"  (If nothing else, she's very bossy).

I fear going to my grave, failing to answer this question: "Who is Donotreply?!!!!

Don't Miss My BlogTalk Radio Show Wed.5/14 8:30 PM EST: "The 5 Love Languages: Are You Speaking the Right One To Your Partner?

Get home from work tomorrow night, pour a glass of wine, put your feet up and call into my half hour BlogTalk Radio Episode: "The Five Love Languages: Are You Speaking The Right One To Your Partner?" 

Learn about the five basic ways through which most humans feel loved and appreciated, and most importantly identify the two primary "languages" for you and your spouse or partner.

Learn how to get the love you want, and how to give the love you feel in ways which finally translate!

 

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments. Let's

make it a conversation! If you'd prefer, you can catch the show live streaming by going to:

www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

 

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Take The Long View

My husband Thom is going in for a colonoscopy tomorrow afternoon. "Ugh!" is the most apt description for the procedure that we both agreed upon. For me, the event evokes memories of drinking liters (not cups!) of disgusting gel-like fluid all night before the procedure, no food allowed, getting sick to my stomach, and feeling certain I'd have an accident in the car en route to the hospital. Then there's the idea of a team of people probing around your rear end, hopefully to find nothing meaningful, and afterward, inconveniencing an adult to drive you home, then being the butt (no pun intended), of a bunch of ass jokes.

This is the kind of situation where the only sane way to deal with it, in my opinion, is to take the long view - to focus off the immediate discomforts and indignities, and focus instead on the big picture of good self-care, early detection if there's a cancerous mass, and the ultimate benefits of having to shell out the copays for one's expensive health insurance. Period.

There are lots of other events and circumstances in life which fit in this category: divorce, paying taxes, yard work, confronting a loved one about a hurtful exchange, exercise, proper diet, paying bills, getting to bed on time, cleaning the house, etc.......

So, as with the discomforts and horrors of a colonoscopy, trust that you will greatly improve your perspective by being wise enough to take the long view!

Re-rescheduled BlogTalk Episode, "Why Are You So Angry?" to Wed., 4/30 8:30 PM

Due to technical difficulties with the 3/26 BTR episode, and other technical problems on 4/16 (!), this episode has once AGAIN been rescheduled, so join us please on Wednesday, April 30th at 8:30 PM EST for an episode you won't regret being diligent enough to attend. The "bugs" have been fixed, so the show will air.

In this 45 minute episode, I will co-host with Meredith Richardson, Esq., a collaborative lawyer and conflict coach in New Hampshire and Maine. Together we'll explore anger, and how it plays out in healthy vs. unhealthy ways in relationships.

Tune in and get a better perspective on the markers of unhealthy anger. Learn some quick tips for calming things down when they might be escalating uncomfortably. (If you've been really ticked off about this second rescheduling, we understand, but may be able to help you manage your anger better!)

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join in live on the air with questions or comments.

"Divorce And Money: What Couples On The Brink Of Divorce Need To Know" (BlogTalk Radio Show 4/9/14 8:30 PM EST)

Hi {!firstname},

If you and a spouse are contemplating a split, then you don't want to miss 

this half hour BlogTalk Radio episode of mine! I'll be co-hosting with Heather 

Brountas, a feisty and smart financial planner with Ameriprise, discussing vital 

issues around divorce and finances. We'll deal with common myths people hold 

about this subject, the most common mistakes people make related to finances in 

a divorce, and some critical things to be aware of, to do the best planning and most 

fair division of assets.

Divorce is enough of an upheaval without adding ignorance and unnecessary 

panic to the process. 

So tune in on Wednesday, April 9th at 8:30 PM EST for half an hour on 

BlogTalk Radio.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in or to join us on the air with 

questions or comments. We welcome your participation.

*If you can't make the live show, listen to the recording at:

Divorce and Money: What Couples On The Brink Of Divorce Need To Know

Couples Retreat Earlybird Signup Discount!

Sign up by April 11, 2014 and get a 5% discount on registration for the May 16-18 Couples Retreat at the lovely Victoria Inn on the seacoast in Hampton, NH.


Learn how to improve communication, deepen connection and reduce conflict in a cozy, intimate setting with five other couples, Susan Lager, a couples therapist, and Meredith Richardson, Esq., a talented collaborative lawyer, and highly sought conflict coach.
For more information or to register with the discount, contact Susan Lager at 603-431-7131

Don't miss this special opportunity to give your most important relationship a big boost!

BlogTalk Radio Episode "Why Are You So Angry?" Rescheduled to April 16th

Due to technical difficulties with the 3/26/14 BlogTalk Radio episode, "Why Are You So Angry?," I've rescheduled the show to Wednesday, April 16th at 8:30 PM.  If you tuned in and heard nothing, you're in good company - my apologies for the BTR glitch. Please join Meredith Richardson and me again on the 16th for what I expect will be a terrific show about a vital topic. 
(If you're in a rage about this anger show not being audible, you especially, may want to tune into the rescheduled show).....:)  

Healthy Anger vs. Unhealthy Anger BlogTalk Radio Show 3/26/14 8:30 PM EST

If you've been wondering if your partner or anyone significant to you has anger problems, then you'll want to tune into this 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode: "Why Are You So Angry?" at 8:30 PM EST. I'll be co-hosting with Meredith Richardson, a collaborative lawyer and conflict coach, and together we'll be talking about the signs, origins, and motivations for healthy anger vs. unhealthy anger. We'll also share some professional tips about how to cool things down when they are getting too heated.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to listen to the live show, or to join us on the air with questions or comments. If you can't make the live show, catch it streaming at your convenience by going to: http://bit.ly/1l3ZL0I

Either way, hope you can join us!

Susan Lager

Tell Someone You Care

As is often the case, I got to bed late last night, all excited about some new developments in my work as a therapist and coach. Of course, I couldn't fall asleep, so as I lay awake, instead of counting sheep, I began to think about all the people I care deeply about. I pictured each of them with fondness, pulling up memories of sweet times we'd had together, reflecting upon the things about each of them that I loved.

Then a big, (not so fun) thought came to me: how often or recently had I told any of them how much I valued their presence in my life? When was the last time I'd sent them a card or given them a call "just because"? I realized that if I got hit by a truck tomorrow, many of these people wouldn't have a clue about how much I had cared for them, how deeply I had held them in my heart! (This part is not a good prescription for easy sleep - I wouldn't recommend it.) So, after a fitful night, I decided that it's probably a good idea to live one's life as though each day might truly be your last - to not just embrace that familiar idea, but really DO IT. To me, that means telling and showing the people in my life whom I care about, how I feel about them and why - making time each day, even just a few moments, to honor relationships in this way.

I invite you to think about this as well. I know I'm not alone in this challenge. I wonder how the world might be different if more of us truly honored our relationships in this way, each day taking time to tell someone that we care about them?

Now, to sleep.....

For Couples On The Brink: Discernment Counseling As A Unique Resource

In my work as a psychotherapist, I'd say that about 25% of the people who come to me are on the fence about continuing their marriages or "committed relationships." Generally, spouses have been together long enough for the rose-colored glasses to have come off, and have lost hope for a happy marriage. "Trying" seems to be inauthentic, as partners recite the long list of violations and disillusionments, and the longer list of futile attempts at repair. It's not uncommon for one or both spouses to be having, or have had an affair. It's also not uncommon for one or both partners to have consulted an attorney, readying for a split. They are "hovering by the escape hatches," yet they often describe having problems they'd somehow like to fix. The sense of anguish in the room is palpable.

As a couple therapist, I have spent most of my career fighting to save marriages, and often I'm the last one standing! As marriage counselors we've been trained to pull up the hope in the partnership, and teach people how to get along better: strategies for better boundaries, communication, managing conflict, spending quality time together, figuring out how to collaborate, etc. But sometimes one spouse wants to try, and the other doesn't, and that's when traditional methods can fail. Getting "busy" working on trying to fix a marriage on the brink can be misguided. First, couples need to have the psychological space to decide if they both want to try to reconcile. Any treatment which provides "tools" prematurely is missing the point.

Enter "Discernment Counseling," a 1 - 5 session process of exploring what would need to be different for the "leaning out" spouse to have the energy to "try," and how the "leaning in" spouse can maintain a stance which brings their best self to the process, not one which humiliates or degrades them.

I'm very excited about this work, and have been added to the National Directory of Discernment Counselors after having completed The Minnesota Couples On The Brink Project training. (As far as I know, I am now the only Discernment Counselor in New Hampshire).

I will be doing a half hour BlogTalk Radio show introducing this process on Wednesday, March 12, 2014 at 8 PM EST. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments. I'd love to make it a conversation! If you can't make the live show, you can hear the recording afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Couples Therapy in Portsmouth, NH: Dealing With Disconnection In Marriage

If there's one central problem I deal with most frequently in my work doing couples therapy, I'd say it's disconnection in marriage. It can happen through over- involvement with children, work, hobbies, family or hyper focus on self. It's a defensive posture, masking some internal fears. Left unexplored, it can ruin a marriage.

Often, the stage is set early in life as spouses adopt certain attachment stances in relation to early nurturing or lack of it. *(See my "resources" page at www.SusanLager.com and take the Adult Attachment Style Survey to find out about your own leanings toward healthy connection or disconnection - you may be surprised!)

Significant research findings indicate that spouses who spend more time together are generally much happier in their marriages than those who don't.

If you've lost touch with your spouse, it's time to register for a couples' retreat, to revisit or re-learn the behaviors which helped you to bond when you were courting, and to become more conscious of the defensive behaviors the two of you have adopted over the years.

Meredith Richardson, a talented mediator, collaborative lawyer, and conflict coach and I will be presenting a couples' retreat May 16-18 at the Victoria Inn in Hampton, NH.  It's a charming bed and breakfast on the seacoast which we plan to have all for ourselves for the weekend, so there will be ample privacy as well as space to do this important work.

You could also join us for a Couples Retreat on beautiful Star Island, off the coast of Maine and NH, from June 21-25. It's another ideal setting for reflection and learning.

For more information, or to register, contact me at: 603-431-7131

or call Meredith at: 207-439-4267.

Space is limited, so don't wait too long - your marriage calls!

BlogTalk Radio Show 2/26/14 8 PM EST: "Marriage And Money: A Love Story?"

As we all get ready to pay our taxes, this is a particularly relevant show now!

In this 40 minute episode, I will  co-host with Meredith Richardson, a talented and feisty lawyer, mediator, and conflict coach. Together we'll focus on the central issues and some common pattterns couples play out related to finances during their marriages, or in their divorces.

* Learn about some key patterns which are often indicators of marital strength and collaboration, or not.

* Find out about 4 new behaviors which can help you and your spouse to do better in this area.

* Learn about some critical legal issues you need to know about filing taxes jointly.

To listen in, or to join us live on the air with questions or comments, 
call toll-free 877-497-9046. 

If you can't make the live show, catch the recording at:
The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

Whatever you do, don't miss this episode!

Valentine's Day Is Over! Now Build Lasting Love

How's this for a unique couples retreat?

Hopefully, those of you in committed relationships,
I hope you had a lovely Valentine's Day, filled with 
sweets and loving exchanges with your special someone.

But now that the one day marking affection and love has gone by, it's time to really dig in and explore all the daily ways you and your partner  show and tell love to each other. 
This inevitably involves developing effective ways to manage conflict, when the 
rose-colored glasses come off, as you become a more seasoned couple.

Join the dynamic mediator, Meredith Richardson and me for a special Couples Retreat
at the lovely Victoria Inn for an experiential weekend designed to build better connection, 
communication and reduced conflict.

We'll have this cozy inn all to ourselves for this special event, Friday, May 16th through
Sunday morning, May 18th, 2014.

For more information about registering:

Call Meredith Richardson 207-439-4267

or email: MeredithMediates@aol.com

2/5/14 8 PM EST BlogTalk Radio Episode: "Move On Without an Apology"

If you've ever been emotionally hurt by someone who didn't do anything significant to earn your forgiveness, then this show is for you. When there has been no expressed remorse or apology you don't have to be enslaved by bitterness. Nor do you need to bestow "cheap forgiveness" upon that person, letting them off the hook, and dishonoring yourself!

Tune into this half hour episode to learn about how to move on and heal without the benefit of a genuine apology. I'll talk about a proven tool you can use for a healing journey.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to listen in, or to join me live on the air with questions or comments. I'd love for you to be there and have a conversation. 

Wednesday, February 5th 8 PM EST.

If you can't make the live show, go to The Couplespeak Relationship Forum to catch the recording whenever it's convenient for you.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Your Life Verb

If you think about it, there's probably a central defining action which punctuates your life. In my case, it's "striving" - to develop more competency professionally, to achieve more balance, to play guitar better, to be a more compassionate person, to lose weight, etc. Definitely "striving."

I have a close friend whose verb seems to be "coping" - with her husband's stonewalling, her family problems, her depression. She's always in "coping" mode, but doesn't seem to move on to solving the problems. My "striving" mode has impatience at times with her "coping" status quo. She feels my "striving" mode makes me too hard on myself.

One of my sisters admits to chronically being in "surviving" mode - trying to stay afloat financially, professionally and emotionally. She feels that my "striving" mode at times takes me out of appreciation for all the blessings in my life, and she's probably right. I don't get why she doesn't seem to do more to fulfill her dreams.

So, your verb can tell you a lot about how you're doing your life, and perhaps shed some light on where you may be blind sighted, and limiting your experiences of joy and fulfillment.

What is your life verb?

Feel free to contact me to schedule a remote session to explore the current defining theme of your life, and what might need to happen to shift your verb to a more empowering one. I've identified a list of verbs you might not have considered on your own. You can reach me via my voicemail at 603-431-7131 or through the "Schedule an appointment" button on the right side of my website home page at www.SusanLager.com

Indecision And Mayor Rob Ford

Indecision is defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary as "a wavering between two possible courses of action." I define it as "going crazy"!

Today I couldn't decide what I wanted for breakfast. Then I couldn't decide what to wear for my day at work. Then I couldn't decide if I was hungry for lunch, because earlier, I couldn't decide whether to throw out a two-day old salad or pack it, so I sort of packed it, but then didn't eat it, because I couldn't decide if it would sicken me or not. Then I couldn't decide whether or not to go to an evening professional meeting, because I couldn't decide if the blizzard was coming or not. After I didn't go to the meeting, I regretted not going, feeling like a wuss. Later at home, I couldn't decide whether to watch some TV, read, answer emails or make some calls. So here I am, not knowing why I'm writing this post, half reading the subtitles on the bizarre news I'm not really watching.

Things could be much worse - I could be Crack-smoking Mayor Rob Ford in a fast food restaurant, not able to decide if he's been drinking and drugging or not, slurring words and shouting obscenities in an offensive Jamaican accent in front of the entire world.

It's all a matter of perspective!

Sign up for a Remote Power Hour with me!

If you don't have the time or the inclination to open up a whole therapy process, but have questions or a dilemma you'd like to get some feedback about, you will LOVE my new service: The Remote Power Hour. 

For the rest of the month of January, I will be offering discounted one-hour remote sessions for anyone who wants the expertise, non bias and privacy of a solo session with a trained therapist and coach. A one-hour session, usually costing between $145. and $170. will be available for $100. during daytime office hours whenever we can together arrange one: by phone, conference call (if two of you will be on the call at different locations), or through the online video button on the right side of this page.

For the online video option, just click "Schedule an appointment," follow the prompts, send me an email about your preferred times, and I'll get back to you later that day with a time.

For a regular phone or Skype call, just call my voicemail at 603-431-7131 to set up an appointment.

All payments will be processed with credit card payments through the "Square" app on my cellphone. (I will give you details about that when I return your call with an appointment time.)

It's as easy as 1,2,3!  You have a problem. We talk. You get professional feedback. Whether you're on a beach in Hawaii, in between runs on a ski slope, on a lunch break at work, or caught in traffic  - you can use the time productively to work on what's eating you!

Don't miss this special offer! Discounted rates end January 31st.

No big commitment is necessary, and help is just a call away…..

Have Better Relationships With Self Awareness

Every day in my private psychotherapy practice I work with people who feel miserable in their relationships with family, friends, co-workers or partners. Often, they don't have any idea why the relationships are going so wrong, or what they are doing to contribute to the problem.

One thing I encourage people to do to avoid some unnecessary dilemmas on the front end is to get clearer about their expectations, wants and needs in their different relationships. Developing this self awareness is critical to doing better! Knowing what makes you tick and also, where you have vulnerabilities which are likely to play out, is a big part in creating more positive outcomes.

Here are three questions you can ask yourself to raise your self-awareness in relationships:

1. What circumstances are emotionally triggering to me?

2. Do I tend to blame others? If so, whom, and about what?

3. Do I apologize when I've been out of line?

For 17 more soul-searching questions to ask yourself in the spirit of raising your "relationship IQ," get a copy of my second book, "Become Relationship Smart Without a Lifetime of Therapy." It's available on Amazon as a paperback as well as an ebook. It will help!

Here's the link:  http://amzn.to/WBK83q

"Beat The January Blues" BlogTalk Radio Show. Did you miss it?

Did you know that staying warm can contribute to your happiness or lack of it by 50%?

(This is one of 11 vital tips to beat the January Blues in 2014 discussed on my BlogTalk Radio show tonight). Did you miss the live show? How come?! If you missed it and want to know more about the other ten tips, you can hear the recording of the half hour very interesting show at: http://bit.ly/1cQdL6V

"Beat The January Blues In 2014" BlogTalk Radio Show 1/8/14 8:30 PM

Join me live on the air for my next BlogTalk Radio show Wednesday, January 8th at 8:30 PM for a half hour of conversation about picking yourself up off the floor after the holidays. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join in the conversation with questions, comments, or ideas of your own about this timely, (universal?) topic.

Beat The January Blues in 2014 01/08 by Susan Lager | Self Help Podcasts.