When Your Mind is Blank

Hello Reader,

     Today was a productive, satisfying day filled with moving stories, courage and honesty. Earlier, I had all sorts of ideas to write about: betrayals, forgiveness, letting go, resentments, intimidation, fear, etc., but now nothing comes to me, my mind is blank! When I'm in that space it's probably time to switch gears, and do something else, or just BE. Instead of fighting an internal state, it can be relieving and illuminating to honor it by observing it without judgment, dispassionately. So I'm staring back at the cat, and like him, noticing I'm all out of words. When you're in that place you too may need to give yourself permission to do the Eastern, meditative thing, and just BE......

Sweet dreams,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my newly published article about couples and gratitude at Ezine Articles:
         http://ezinearticles.com/?Couples-and-the-Neglected-Practice-of-Gratitude&id=4253371

Mothers and Self Nurture

Happy Mother's Day!

     This was an odd but very satisfying day for me. My son was around only briefly for a speedwalk and then a lovely breakfast he cooked for me. My husband had to work today, so he didn't get home till much later for  our little party. They were both apologetic about not being available longer, and felt a bit sorry for me having to entertain myself on Mother's Day. But, truth be told, after I got over my preconceived notions about the day, (which we all do far too often!) I had a grand old time "dubbing around" as I call it.  I cut flowers from the garden and filled all the vases,  I baked a banana bread,  I retrieved summer clothing from the attic, did my nails, took a hot tub, did some reading, folded laundry, sorted mail, and petted the cat. Nothing glamorous, just various things which provided contentment, a sense of accomplishment, and soothing pleasure. In the therapy business we call it Self Nurture. Women, and mothers especially aren't too swift at it because they are enculturated to nurture everybody else first.
I, however, have become the Queen of Self Nurture partly because I preach it as a vital practice, but also because my therapeutic work could drain me if I didn't. If you lack ideas for how to do it get Alice Domar's book "Self-Nurture". She illustrates all the psychological and physiological benefits of doing it regularly. My advice is, whatever you do to nurture yourself, DON'T do anything which feels like drudgery!

Contentedly,

Susan Lager

Thank God It's Friday!!!!!!

Hello Reader,

     How often have you sighed and exclaimed  "T.G.I.F.!!!!!" ? You've probably collapsed into an easy chair with a big glass of wine and bemoaned the long hours at work, the fussy outfits, your aching back, your pain in the butt boss, the oppressive paperwork, the endless emails, the boring conference calls, the difficult clients, the rancid coffeecups, the office gossip, etc., etc.....
How often have you reflected upon the job well done, the pride of challenges overcome, the heartfelt connections, the silly inside jokes, and the satisfaction of making your own small difference on the planet? Take a few moments to pat yourself on the back for probably doing a few things very right this week. Remember, it's only two days before you can complain about the weekend!

Happy Friday,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for me soon on my websites: Couplespeak.com, and HowToBeABetterCouple.com

One Block Away

Good (almost)Morning, Reader,

     Today was one of those bizarre days.  I was already five minutes late for a lunch date with a friend and colleague, furiously rinsing my hair in the shower when the Gutter Guy shows up needing to know where there's a leak in the new system. I race downstairs, wet and soapy, give him his instructions, finish the shower, and race to meet my friend at the cafe. We have a spirited lunch, while at the next table a previous client and his wife are openly attesting to the benefits of couples therapy with me, unfazed by our juxtaposition. Then I race into Portsmouth, and curse a "little detour" created by TV crews, onlookers, and police cars. I'm driving too fast to notice the machinegun-toting swat team, rooftop snipers, and bomb- squad robots surrounding a Greyhound bus on Hanover Street. I proceed with my day of clients, intent on their problems, while one block away the center of Portsmouth is being evacuated due to a bomb threat, possibly a terrorist attack. Meanwhile, one block away from that, my son is sitting in an outdoor cafe with a close friend sipping lemonades surrounded by throngs of shoppers and tourists happily enjoying the glorious spring day.  He and the entire staff have just been sent home from their mutual fund brokerage where everyone had been glued to two TV's: one graphically witnessing the unfolding "bomb scene" nearby, the other documenting the inexplicable 1000 point three hour plunge in the stock market.
I say, it's all a matter of perspective in life.

Sleep tight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my newest published pieces at Ezine Articles:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

    

How We Manage Hurt Feelings

Hello Reader,

     I've been stewing about something someone close to me said a few days ago.  It was something not  intended to hurt me, but it did, maybe because there was some painful truth to it.  None of us like having our shortcomings noticed and reflected back at us with glaring clarity. In my case I couldn't help but notice my reaction of self-protective withdrawal, even though I knew it would be more productive and mature to talk it over with this person. I found myself feeling bruised and unworthy, and having more impulses to let go of the relationship. I started rationalizing this scenario, talking myself into a cocoon which no hurt or disappointment could penetrate. Then I had a flashback to a loving moment with this person, and realized I'd be "throwing the baby out with the bathwater", that there were other options for managing my hurt which didn't require me to go into exile. We all have choices about how we manage our hurts. A useful first line of action often involves some sort of engagement, rather than a disconnect, unless the Hurter acts maliciously or repetitively. If we can get our egos out of the way, there's usually some possibility for us to learn and grow from the event, and often for the relationship to be stronger for weathering the storm.

Staying on course,

Susan Lager

"My Husband Ignores Me! What Can I Do?"

Welcome back Reader,

     Have you ever felt like you were talking to thin air when dealing with your partner? You make a benign request like "would you mind fixing the screen door this weekend so we can open up the family room?"
It's the third request, your mate has promised to do it for weeks in a row, gets caught up in other projects, says "oops!", and now it's 90 degrees out and you're literally and figuratively frying. You repeat patiently,
you cajole, you bargain, you beg, you nag, you ask what the problem is, and he reassures you there is none, and with a sheepish smile promises he'll get to it this weekend. This may seem like making a mountain out of a mole hill, but cumulatively it becomes a kind of cancer in relationships. I've seen this scenario play out more than once in couples therapy sessions just this week. It erodes trust related to a sense of dependability, and clearly undermines faith in supposed agreements. (Did you say yes to appease me? Are you annoyed about the request and acting out? Are you mad about something else? Or do you just have a brain tumor?) I've found that more often wives hold The List, and husbands "agree".
The Requestor may consider the possibility that their "Honey Do List " has become oppressive. The "Don't Worry, I'll Get To It" Spouse may want to rethink the honesty of their promises. It's always a kinder thing to graciously decline. No one will get killed.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Marital Issues-- A Perspective

Good Morning Reader,

Here I am bright and perky at 8:00 A.M. for a change, instead of talking to you in the wee hours of the morning (1:00 or 2:00 or 3:00 A.M.!) We had a birthday party for my husband yesterday and actually had the common sense to retire early enough to get a decent night's sleep. That happens for me in those rare moments when I feel I've done all I can do in a day, and feel totally satisfied with the results. On birthdays in my family we treat the birthday "boy" or "girl" with not only presents, but delicious meals and gracious "slave services" all day. We make that person the center of attention, and the object of reverence, and our kindness all day. The point is to let them know we are thankful they were born and now are here in our lives. It's actually not a chore, it's a joyful discipline to focus on the positives, and not THE ISSUES you may have with them. After each birthday I wonder why I don't do this much more often with all the people I love, especially my spouse? My last blog entry was about gratitude, this one is about how you express it with words and deeds. There would be many less Marital Issues if we all acted like every day was our spouse's birthday! Try it, it feels great!

Happy day,

Susan Lager