Saying You're Sorry

Hello Reader,

     Watching the news today I couldn't help but shake my head and my finger, (I won't say which one) at B.P.'s  c.e.o. Tony Hayward.  I'm just one of millions of people outraged by his callous greed and  reckless decisions made before and after the oil spill. But the thing that really got to me was the way he said he "was sorry"! Sitting in front of the energy committee hearing, he had the gall to express "regret" for the loss of life and the hardship caused to the families and people in the area, then, when questioned, he in effect said he had nothing to do with the whole fiasco, and didn't know much about many of the fateful decisions made! The net effect was to generate more rage and outrage in the hearing, and all over the networks. The lesson? When you supposedly apologize for something, you need to SAY YOU'RE  SORRY by doing the following:
1. Take responsibility for your behavior, using "I" statements, i.e. what you DID to cause harm.
2. After you go into the details of the situation and your role in it, express remorse and regret.
3. Acknowledge your understanding of the harm done to the other, the hurtful impact.
4. Ask for forgiveness, and acknowledge to the victim that they may or may not grant it.
5. Commit to some form of repentance, some corrective behavior to avoid repeated harm.
What Hayward did instead was what I see in couples work all too often:
"I'm SORRY! ( Get over it!)"
(Maybe watching CNN isn't the best way to start the day)..................

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S. Check out my latest published articles about relationship issues at:
       http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Sunday Night Party

Hi Reader,

     I had the best Spontaneous End of The Weekend Bash last night ever! I'd highly recommend it as a useful "reframe". Here's the recipe for mine:
-- one part lazy gardening earlier in the day, no broken back
-- one part Food Network grilled pork with Blackberry-jalapeno glaze
-- one part couscous-stuffed peppers with basil sauce (from the garden of no broken back)
-- one part warm, messy kitchen
-- one part happy husband watching the sunset over his arugula plants, martini in hand
-- one part happy son with happy girlfriend, laughingly making coconut mojitos
-- one part Yo-Yo Ma playing cello
-- one part louder laughter as son's friend, the supreme character, joins the crew
-- one part competitive storytelling
-- five parts love
Shake together till blended, and enjoy!

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager

Keeping Agreements With Yourself And Others

Hi Reader,

     I've had a number of psychotherapy sessions this week, mostly with couples about how critical it is to honor agreements made with eachother, and how the breaking of agreements erodes trust. The discussion generally led to the issue of promises made to oneself, and how that's part of the whole deal. And I'm thinking, "of course, you can't bail out on your partner or yourself! It breaks faith!"
Then I get home, it's 10:00 P.M., and first thing I do is reneg on my promise to myself to not eat carbs late at night. Oh well, the world won't come to an end if my butt is two inches bigger......
Then I check my emails and again notice the one about technical difficulties with my new website, requiring alot more alien, left-brained problem-solving, so my solution is to bag the whole mess, and maybe follow that fantasy of becoming a roadcrew signholder, and not have to think so much! Who ever needed a website anyway?
Oh, I forgot to mention the trademark fiasco, and my quick solution for that:  I get some return calls from the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office telling me time's almost up to produce all the goods and services I've filed a trademark for, otherwise it's even more money for an extension. (hidden meaning: they took me SERIOUSLY, and expect me to make good on my promise!)  What are they, crazy? My solution? Who needs a trademark anyway? Did anyone ever get killed because they lacked one?
So, gentle reader, if you've ever wanted to shoot yourself for breaking agreements to your partner or yourself,  or even thinking about it, chances are your fancy therapist knows all too well how you feel.

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Maybe I'll surprise you and actually have that website up as promised in July:
         www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Monday Blues

Hi Reader,

     When it's Monday, and you're coming off a long relaxing weekend, don't sweat the small stuff.
Just remember to BREATHE................

Goodnight Bear,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Keep an eye out for my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com for all sorts of resources!        

Happy Birthday To Me

Good Morning Reader,

     Yesterday was my birthday, and it was lovely.  My family had a little breakfast party for me with an elegant table of delicious food and wonderful presents--(among which was a Nook E-reader which I'll use alot if I can give myself permission to sit still long enough to read downloaded books). I was later taken out to lunch by two friends and colleagues, during which we had a heated debate about porn in marriage, an issue which shows up more frequently in my work with couples. Then I tooled around Portsmouth with one of the friends, visiting local shops and shooting the breeze with the owners, some of whom used to work for my husband.  We then strolled around the waterfront at Prescott Park, and enjoyed the gardens and the river scene. Later, I spoke to one of my sisters, who had sent me a beautiful card and a gift, then my husband and I went to dinner at Mombo, a new, casually elegant restaurant in the historic Strawberry Banke section of town. The whole day made me feel special and loved, something which should happen on birthdays, and hopefully often throughout the year. So, Happy Birthday to Me!

Older and happier,

Susan Lager

Oil Crisis in The Gulf of Mexico -- Thoughts About " Wreaking Havoc"

Greetings Reader,

     I  heard another news story today about the oil spill in the Gulf, and some guy referred to it as "wreaking havoc" on the local industry. I won't go into my thoughts about the B.P. fiasco, but I will say that the expression "wreaking havoc" not only describes alot of the aggravation and hardship people inflict on others, resulting from their lousy decisions, but it also describes the misery people create in their most important relationships.  Think about this:  How are you "wreaking havoc" in yours?

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my latest published articles at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Making a Decision To Move Forward

Good Evening, Reader,

     Over the long weekend I was thinking about something Patricia Drain, one of my business coaches, said to me very matter of factly last week as she marveled at my progress transitioning into this world of internet coaching and writing: "You made a decision, Susan!  That was the turning point."  I had long considered the possibility of leaving the familiar haven of my beloved, full-time psychotherapy work, to add writing, public speaking, and training programs to my professional life. After much ruminating and ambivalence, I finally made the decision. I would continue to work with a select group of individuals and couples in psychotherapy, but also work with a larger client base using a coaching frame. Since then, I have been passionately immersed in this change, in what Tracy Repchuk, an internet Guru, calls "massive action"-- nonstop total commitment to one's goal.  In Change Theory there's alot said about the proper use of resources and tools, but that has to be built upon the earlier stage of Contemplation,  resolution of any ambivalence about the change, and MAKING A DECISION.  This is apparent frequently in couples therapy-- "tools" are moot until partners make a decision about where to put their energy-- more of the same, making it better, or getting out. Then the work becomes the lining up of actions with the goal, establishing markers of progress and motivational aids to stay on course. So if you feel frustration about some change you've supposedly wanted for awhile, and it's going nowhere fast, ask yourself, "Have I made a decision yet?"

Decidedly,

Susan Lager
P.S.   In July watch for my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com with surveys, special reports,
          articles, and monthly membership benefits!