Hi Reader,
It's been a crazy-busy week full of decisions about business things, birthday gifts, how to use the last days of summer, and, most critically, buying a new washer and dryer after the old dinosaurs bit the dust.
The last decision I tried to make as fast as possible, given that my idea of spending a beautiful Sunday in September is NOT at Home Depot! I was advised by a family member, however, not to commit the future of our laundry to a hasty choice possibly resulting in duller "whites" for years to come. It reminded me of something a client said in a session and gave me permission to share with the world: When it comes to big decisions, either emotional, financial or otherwise, don't be hasty. "Put it to the committee of sleep", and you'll be clearer in the morning about what you need to do.
Well, I'm off to bed, probably dreaming about Maytags, Whirlpools and Kenmores, lucky me....
Night-night,
Susan Lager
P.S. By the way, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com is live, so you can get your Free Reports now! Go to: How To Be A Better Couple
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Affirmations For Success
Hi Reader,
I've been thinking about people who are obviously happy, moving steadily toward their goals, and experiencing success in their endeavors. (Hopefully I'm somewhere on that list too...) It's given me the idea for a next article called "Think Like An Athlete and Radically Change Your Marriage". Mind you, I know very little about the mechanics of professional sports, can barely tell the names attached to the sport, i.e.:
Are the Bruins hockey or football? It's pathetic, but I do somehow know a thing or two about sports psychology, that's right up my alley! So here's a sports tool you can easily use in your own life, even if you're not about to attempt your own bobsled run in the olympics:
AFFIRMATIONS: An affirmation is a positive declaration of a condition you'd like to exist, stated positively in the present tense, using the personal pronoun "I".
For example:
I enjoy weekends with my partner.
I love my husband's cooking efforts.
I feel happy in our new home.
I enjoy teamwork with my spouse.
I deserve my partner's attention.
It may seem hokey, but affirmations are a great tool to prime your brain for relationship success through positive visualizations. Try it!
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. My new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com will be live this week, finally! Go there and you'll have access to articles and lots more upcoming information about relationship success.
How To Be A Better Couple
I've been thinking about people who are obviously happy, moving steadily toward their goals, and experiencing success in their endeavors. (Hopefully I'm somewhere on that list too...) It's given me the idea for a next article called "Think Like An Athlete and Radically Change Your Marriage". Mind you, I know very little about the mechanics of professional sports, can barely tell the names attached to the sport, i.e.:
Are the Bruins hockey or football? It's pathetic, but I do somehow know a thing or two about sports psychology, that's right up my alley! So here's a sports tool you can easily use in your own life, even if you're not about to attempt your own bobsled run in the olympics:
AFFIRMATIONS: An affirmation is a positive declaration of a condition you'd like to exist, stated positively in the present tense, using the personal pronoun "I".
For example:
I enjoy weekends with my partner.
I love my husband's cooking efforts.
I feel happy in our new home.
I enjoy teamwork with my spouse.
I deserve my partner's attention.
It may seem hokey, but affirmations are a great tool to prime your brain for relationship success through positive visualizations. Try it!
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. My new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com will be live this week, finally! Go there and you'll have access to articles and lots more upcoming information about relationship success.
How To Be A Better Couple
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tom Brady And Coping With Stress
Hello Reader,
As you may have heard, Tom Brady, the NFL Football superhero, was in a car accident today in Boston. It was really bad timing, not only for another person involved who sustained injuries, but also for Brady who has apparently been in contract negotiations for some time, and was possibly going to reach an agreement today. In the football world, such an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, doesn't bode well for Brady. He was worried about the other injured passenger, en route to a practice, and awaiting the contract outcome. An average person would have been totally freaked out, and not very functional after this particular sequence of events. But a newscaster said Brady wasn't injured, and planned to attend practice, not because he's callous, but because he has a remarkable ability to compartmentalize.
It made me think of this typical (more often male) coping strategy, and how double-edged it is. It so often disconnects people from experiences and context, and alienates partners, but also enables great athletes and others not to fall apart under stress.
I tell clients to observe the duality of this coping strategy, and figure out when it serves them well, as well as when it handicaps them, particularly in their relationships.
How does it serve you?
Signing off,
Susan Lager
P.S. Look for my upcoming article related to this issue available through my new website later this month(!!!!!!) at: How To Be A Better Couple
P.SS. Also check out my latest published article:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
As you may have heard, Tom Brady, the NFL Football superhero, was in a car accident today in Boston. It was really bad timing, not only for another person involved who sustained injuries, but also for Brady who has apparently been in contract negotiations for some time, and was possibly going to reach an agreement today. In the football world, such an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, doesn't bode well for Brady. He was worried about the other injured passenger, en route to a practice, and awaiting the contract outcome. An average person would have been totally freaked out, and not very functional after this particular sequence of events. But a newscaster said Brady wasn't injured, and planned to attend practice, not because he's callous, but because he has a remarkable ability to compartmentalize.
It made me think of this typical (more often male) coping strategy, and how double-edged it is. It so often disconnects people from experiences and context, and alienates partners, but also enables great athletes and others not to fall apart under stress.
I tell clients to observe the duality of this coping strategy, and figure out when it serves them well, as well as when it handicaps them, particularly in their relationships.
How does it serve you?
Signing off,
Susan Lager
P.S. Look for my upcoming article related to this issue available through my new website later this month(!!!!!!) at: How To Be A Better Couple
P.SS. Also check out my latest published article:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Shelling Peanuts--A Lost Pastime?
Hi Reader,
This title wasn't just a random thought. There have been a few images which lodged in my brain, making me think about what is getting lost living in the fast lane, as most of us do. My husband Thom and I were floating around in our boat near a sandbar today on our favorite lake in New Hampshire. It was boiling hot out, so we'd read or talk a bit, then take a dip in the lake, pick blueberries, watch the ripples in the water, and repeat the whole sequence for most of the afternoon. At one point, a smiling, elderly gentleman floated by on a dinghy, arms and legs hanging out, aimlessly headed nowhere in particular, obviously having a grand old time, entirely "in the moment". It was a "shelling peanuts" (on a porch), kind of day. Sadly, I think this kind of energy and attitude, slow and languorous, gets squelched in our busy lives, and something precious to our selves and our relationships gets lost. I encourage clients, (and myself) to be more intentional about preserving this kind of tempo as sacred to our sense of well-being, our connection to the world, and to our partners. And by the way, who got the crazy idea to bring peanuts to us already shelled?
Goodnight,
Susan Lager
P.S. Any day now, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com
will be live AND functional, with Free Reports you'll find
useful! Then will come E-books, and many more tools to help
you have happier partnerships.
This title wasn't just a random thought. There have been a few images which lodged in my brain, making me think about what is getting lost living in the fast lane, as most of us do. My husband Thom and I were floating around in our boat near a sandbar today on our favorite lake in New Hampshire. It was boiling hot out, so we'd read or talk a bit, then take a dip in the lake, pick blueberries, watch the ripples in the water, and repeat the whole sequence for most of the afternoon. At one point, a smiling, elderly gentleman floated by on a dinghy, arms and legs hanging out, aimlessly headed nowhere in particular, obviously having a grand old time, entirely "in the moment". It was a "shelling peanuts" (on a porch), kind of day. Sadly, I think this kind of energy and attitude, slow and languorous, gets squelched in our busy lives, and something precious to our selves and our relationships gets lost. I encourage clients, (and myself) to be more intentional about preserving this kind of tempo as sacred to our sense of well-being, our connection to the world, and to our partners. And by the way, who got the crazy idea to bring peanuts to us already shelled?
Goodnight,
Susan Lager
P.S. Any day now, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com
will be live AND functional, with Free Reports you'll find
useful! Then will come E-books, and many more tools to help
you have happier partnerships.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Blame In Relationships
Hi Reader,
The other day I got into a heated argument with my (frustrated lawyer) 23-year old son. I accused him / my husband of misplacing the spare key to our house which we keep in a hidden place in our garage. Given the fact that my son Alec NEVER puts anything back where it should be, it seemed only logical that he was the probable culprit, although my A.D.D. riddled husband was a likely runner up. (I, of course, NEVER misplace anything, I'm so perfect.) My outraged son said that the context was highly exaggerated and moot, and that my default position of blaming was NASTY and UNFAIR! (Of course, shortly afterward I found the key in question buried under a pile of beach bags and coolers we all use). But it got me thinking about how often I'm guilty of blaming, and how frequently I see it in my couples therapy practice, and how toxic it usually is. There are a few things we all need to do to avoid the "blame game":
1. Admit we have been doing it and resolve to STOP.
2. Think about our own part in a problem & take responsibility for our own role, not project it outward.
(i.e. me considering how I may also have contributed to the garage mess leading to the missing key).
3. Consider how we may set ourselves up for being seen as the "guilty party", and change our behavior.
(Alec being willing to look at the context-- that if he's continually leaving things all over the house,
car and yard, it would be logical for others to assume he's also the one who LOST THE KEY!!!!!!)
Thankfully, in our case it ended with a truce and good will. But if you do it too with some frequency in your relationships, watch out -- it's a relationship "sinkhole"!
Cheers.
Susan Lager
P.S. Take my newly published Couplespeak™ Marriage Fitness Test at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
The other day I got into a heated argument with my (frustrated lawyer) 23-year old son. I accused him / my husband of misplacing the spare key to our house which we keep in a hidden place in our garage. Given the fact that my son Alec NEVER puts anything back where it should be, it seemed only logical that he was the probable culprit, although my A.D.D. riddled husband was a likely runner up. (I, of course, NEVER misplace anything, I'm so perfect.) My outraged son said that the context was highly exaggerated and moot, and that my default position of blaming was NASTY and UNFAIR! (Of course, shortly afterward I found the key in question buried under a pile of beach bags and coolers we all use). But it got me thinking about how often I'm guilty of blaming, and how frequently I see it in my couples therapy practice, and how toxic it usually is. There are a few things we all need to do to avoid the "blame game":
1. Admit we have been doing it and resolve to STOP.
2. Think about our own part in a problem & take responsibility for our own role, not project it outward.
(i.e. me considering how I may also have contributed to the garage mess leading to the missing key).
3. Consider how we may set ourselves up for being seen as the "guilty party", and change our behavior.
(Alec being willing to look at the context-- that if he's continually leaving things all over the house,
car and yard, it would be logical for others to assume he's also the one who LOST THE KEY!!!!!!)
Thankfully, in our case it ended with a truce and good will. But if you do it too with some frequency in your relationships, watch out -- it's a relationship "sinkhole"!
Cheers.
Susan Lager
P.S. Take my newly published Couplespeak™ Marriage Fitness Test at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Back To School (Of Relationships) Part 3
Hello Reader,
It's August 24th, and about two weeks away from the end of this glorious summer. (!) This means that the first task is to let go without being morose, and feeling sorry for yourself about all the endings. You'll be able to do this with more finesse if:
1. You visualize your summer experiences as precious nuggets of memory in a treasure chest you can open at any point to enjoy alone or together with your partner. All is not lost.
2. You think about the things you never got around to doing, and resolve to get to them next summer through an ACTION plan.
3. You "reframe" the Fall as the Time for New Starts, (remembering that resolution you made to address the one or two problems in your relationship you would begin to deal with.) Hopefully by now you've gotten curious about your role in the problem(s), as well as your role in the solution(s). If you're clueless, use your short-term memory to pull up an image of your partner complaining about something you've done or not done. Now imagine a miracle has happened and this is no longer a problem in the relationship. What do you see yourself doing differently, and what are the markers of change which tell you this miracle has happened? Those behavioral "flags"are your map toward working on your end of the changes. Do one thing differently, then look for the "feedback loops" (acknowledgment of impact from your partner).
School is in session! Now go to "recess" for a little break before you tire of all this positive action.....
Happy Trails,
Susan Lager
P.S. Check out my latest published article about the Couplespeak
Marriage Fitness Test at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
It's August 24th, and about two weeks away from the end of this glorious summer. (!) This means that the first task is to let go without being morose, and feeling sorry for yourself about all the endings. You'll be able to do this with more finesse if:
1. You visualize your summer experiences as precious nuggets of memory in a treasure chest you can open at any point to enjoy alone or together with your partner. All is not lost.
2. You think about the things you never got around to doing, and resolve to get to them next summer through an ACTION plan.
3. You "reframe" the Fall as the Time for New Starts, (remembering that resolution you made to address the one or two problems in your relationship you would begin to deal with.) Hopefully by now you've gotten curious about your role in the problem(s), as well as your role in the solution(s). If you're clueless, use your short-term memory to pull up an image of your partner complaining about something you've done or not done. Now imagine a miracle has happened and this is no longer a problem in the relationship. What do you see yourself doing differently, and what are the markers of change which tell you this miracle has happened? Those behavioral "flags"are your map toward working on your end of the changes. Do one thing differently, then look for the "feedback loops" (acknowledgment of impact from your partner).
School is in session! Now go to "recess" for a little break before you tire of all this positive action.....
Happy Trails,
Susan Lager
P.S. Check out my latest published article about the Couplespeak
Marriage Fitness Test at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)