Hi Readers,
Don't ask what I'm doing up at this ungodly hour.... I'll tell you anyway. Just finished an interview for The Manchester Union Leader Sunday News (in New Hampshire) about why couples are living together outside of marriage and even having kids, without getting hitched. As usual, I had lots to say, so look for it online Sunday, 10/17/10 !
Also, as a testament to dogged determination I just uploaded my first YouTube video introducing myself and my Couplespeak business. Mind you, the first two uploads I didn't get quite right, so all you saw was my frozen smiling head-- no action, no sound. Even so, I thought for a technically-challenged, right-brained person, it was quite a feat to make the video, caption it and get it online. So what if I was just a frozen head, we all need to celebrate the small victories where we can find them! With the help of my in-house, tired "tech support" it's been taken down and the new Talking head has replaced it! I say, the longest journey starts with the smallest step. If I can do it, you too can face down your boogeymen!
Persistence, persistence..........
Good (morning!)
Susan Lager
PS. You can access my series of Free Reports about all kinds of relationship issues through my website:
How To Be A Better Couple
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Visualizing Goals
Hello Reader,
There's an little story about three bricklayers I'll share with you:
Three bricklayers were toiling away together, in the hot sun. An old man came by, noticing the work in progress. He asked the first bricklayer, who seemed quite downtrodden, what he was doing. "I'm laying bricks, can't you see that?!" the worker barked. The old man then asked the same question of the second bricklayer. "I'm a building a wall, of course", sighed the worker with resignation. The old man then turned to the third bricklayer, asking him the same question. "Why Sir, I'm building a beautiful cathedral which will soon grace us all!", the worker beamed, full of pride.
What's the point, you ask? Think about it, when you're investing time and energy doing difficult things for the sake of your marriage or partnership. Think small and "lay bricks", or think big and "build a cathedral".
Then notice your attitude, energy level, and success or failure. It may surprise you!
Have a great day,
Susan Lager
PS. Check out my new website offering a series of free reports about relationship issues:
How To Be A Better Couple
There's an little story about three bricklayers I'll share with you:
Three bricklayers were toiling away together, in the hot sun. An old man came by, noticing the work in progress. He asked the first bricklayer, who seemed quite downtrodden, what he was doing. "I'm laying bricks, can't you see that?!" the worker barked. The old man then asked the same question of the second bricklayer. "I'm a building a wall, of course", sighed the worker with resignation. The old man then turned to the third bricklayer, asking him the same question. "Why Sir, I'm building a beautiful cathedral which will soon grace us all!", the worker beamed, full of pride.
What's the point, you ask? Think about it, when you're investing time and energy doing difficult things for the sake of your marriage or partnership. Think small and "lay bricks", or think big and "build a cathedral".
Then notice your attitude, energy level, and success or failure. It may surprise you!
Have a great day,
Susan Lager
PS. Check out my new website offering a series of free reports about relationship issues:
How To Be A Better Couple
Friday, October 1, 2010
Intolerance On Campus
Hello Reader,
Like so many millions of others, I was so saddened and sickened to hear about the tragic death of Tyler Clemente, the Rutgers freshman who commit suicide after being so cruelly and publicly outed by his roommates. Among the many issues central to this story, are two that stand out for me as a psychotherapist and coach: Intolerance, and "Unthinking", or unconsciousness. Obviously, filming and publicly airing footage of a gay man having sex with another, is predicated on homophobic sadism, so the perpetrators have actually just unwittingly outed the darkest parts of their own psyches. They will have to face their own intolerance and cruelty, and live with the consequences somehow. But it's also the issue of committing this violation of privacy and decency, probably framing it as a "joke", and not thinking through the consequences of such an act on the heart and dignity of a fellow classmate, that's the clincher here. As a psychotherapist I find unthinking acts, unless they are ones of kindness and generosity, to be very dangerous and damaging.
It's the ultimate copout to not think through the possible immediate and long-term effects of one's own behavior on others. One's own "moment of hilarity", or "thrill", can become a lifelong legacy of pain for the recipient, in this case, pain so intolerable, that the young man ended his life jumping off a bridge.
My biggest wish for all of humanity is to not only grow more open-hearted tolerance for difference, but to commit to thinking through to the impact on others-- to be more conscious (and empathic) in all relationships. What a world we'd have if everyone worked harder on this every single day!........
Goodnight,
Susan Lager
Like so many millions of others, I was so saddened and sickened to hear about the tragic death of Tyler Clemente, the Rutgers freshman who commit suicide after being so cruelly and publicly outed by his roommates. Among the many issues central to this story, are two that stand out for me as a psychotherapist and coach: Intolerance, and "Unthinking", or unconsciousness. Obviously, filming and publicly airing footage of a gay man having sex with another, is predicated on homophobic sadism, so the perpetrators have actually just unwittingly outed the darkest parts of their own psyches. They will have to face their own intolerance and cruelty, and live with the consequences somehow. But it's also the issue of committing this violation of privacy and decency, probably framing it as a "joke", and not thinking through the consequences of such an act on the heart and dignity of a fellow classmate, that's the clincher here. As a psychotherapist I find unthinking acts, unless they are ones of kindness and generosity, to be very dangerous and damaging.
It's the ultimate copout to not think through the possible immediate and long-term effects of one's own behavior on others. One's own "moment of hilarity", or "thrill", can become a lifelong legacy of pain for the recipient, in this case, pain so intolerable, that the young man ended his life jumping off a bridge.
My biggest wish for all of humanity is to not only grow more open-hearted tolerance for difference, but to commit to thinking through to the impact on others-- to be more conscious (and empathic) in all relationships. What a world we'd have if everyone worked harder on this every single day!........
Goodnight,
Susan Lager
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Say What? Better Communication Skills In A Relationship
Hello Reader,
Several times in the past few weeks I've witnessed couples struggle with avoidable misunderstandings.
John and Jane have a brief late night conversation about a hot-button topic, they keep going until they're exhausted, and go to bed, thinking it's resolved. Over the course of the week each one proceeds with their own version of the "agreement", until the "alternate realities" become apparent in an explosive fight. Each is hurt, offended, and feels negated. Familiar scene?
Here's two tips from a seasoned spouse and couples therapist to avoid the mayhem:
1. STOP when you're tired -- it only produces distortion! Tomorrow's a new day.
2. When you think you've reached a resolution, don't just walk away to water the garden or walk the dog. Instead, Restate Your Takeaway. Reiterate, in your own words, your understanding of what the conclusion was and why. If your partner nods, it's good, you got it. If your partner tries to throw a plant at you, it's not good, you need to ask for clarity, then try again. Now your partner needs to do the same, and when you both feel heard and understood, it's good, now go walk the dog.
Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager
PS. Go to my newly live website for lots more relationship tools:
How To Be A Better Couple
Several times in the past few weeks I've witnessed couples struggle with avoidable misunderstandings.
John and Jane have a brief late night conversation about a hot-button topic, they keep going until they're exhausted, and go to bed, thinking it's resolved. Over the course of the week each one proceeds with their own version of the "agreement", until the "alternate realities" become apparent in an explosive fight. Each is hurt, offended, and feels negated. Familiar scene?
Here's two tips from a seasoned spouse and couples therapist to avoid the mayhem:
1. STOP when you're tired -- it only produces distortion! Tomorrow's a new day.
2. When you think you've reached a resolution, don't just walk away to water the garden or walk the dog. Instead, Restate Your Takeaway. Reiterate, in your own words, your understanding of what the conclusion was and why. If your partner nods, it's good, you got it. If your partner tries to throw a plant at you, it's not good, you need to ask for clarity, then try again. Now your partner needs to do the same, and when you both feel heard and understood, it's good, now go walk the dog.
Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager
PS. Go to my newly live website for lots more relationship tools:
How To Be A Better Couple
Monday, September 20, 2010
Decisions Made Carefully
Hi Reader,
It's been a crazy-busy week full of decisions about business things, birthday gifts, how to use the last days of summer, and, most critically, buying a new washer and dryer after the old dinosaurs bit the dust.
The last decision I tried to make as fast as possible, given that my idea of spending a beautiful Sunday in September is NOT at Home Depot! I was advised by a family member, however, not to commit the future of our laundry to a hasty choice possibly resulting in duller "whites" for years to come. It reminded me of something a client said in a session and gave me permission to share with the world: When it comes to big decisions, either emotional, financial or otherwise, don't be hasty. "Put it to the committee of sleep", and you'll be clearer in the morning about what you need to do.
Well, I'm off to bed, probably dreaming about Maytags, Whirlpools and Kenmores, lucky me....
Night-night,
Susan Lager
P.S. By the way, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com is live, so you can get your Free Reports now! Go to: How To Be A Better Couple
It's been a crazy-busy week full of decisions about business things, birthday gifts, how to use the last days of summer, and, most critically, buying a new washer and dryer after the old dinosaurs bit the dust.
The last decision I tried to make as fast as possible, given that my idea of spending a beautiful Sunday in September is NOT at Home Depot! I was advised by a family member, however, not to commit the future of our laundry to a hasty choice possibly resulting in duller "whites" for years to come. It reminded me of something a client said in a session and gave me permission to share with the world: When it comes to big decisions, either emotional, financial or otherwise, don't be hasty. "Put it to the committee of sleep", and you'll be clearer in the morning about what you need to do.
Well, I'm off to bed, probably dreaming about Maytags, Whirlpools and Kenmores, lucky me....
Night-night,
Susan Lager
P.S. By the way, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com is live, so you can get your Free Reports now! Go to: How To Be A Better Couple
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Affirmations For Success
Hi Reader,
I've been thinking about people who are obviously happy, moving steadily toward their goals, and experiencing success in their endeavors. (Hopefully I'm somewhere on that list too...) It's given me the idea for a next article called "Think Like An Athlete and Radically Change Your Marriage". Mind you, I know very little about the mechanics of professional sports, can barely tell the names attached to the sport, i.e.:
Are the Bruins hockey or football? It's pathetic, but I do somehow know a thing or two about sports psychology, that's right up my alley! So here's a sports tool you can easily use in your own life, even if you're not about to attempt your own bobsled run in the olympics:
AFFIRMATIONS: An affirmation is a positive declaration of a condition you'd like to exist, stated positively in the present tense, using the personal pronoun "I".
For example:
I enjoy weekends with my partner.
I love my husband's cooking efforts.
I feel happy in our new home.
I enjoy teamwork with my spouse.
I deserve my partner's attention.
It may seem hokey, but affirmations are a great tool to prime your brain for relationship success through positive visualizations. Try it!
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. My new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com will be live this week, finally! Go there and you'll have access to articles and lots more upcoming information about relationship success.
How To Be A Better Couple
I've been thinking about people who are obviously happy, moving steadily toward their goals, and experiencing success in their endeavors. (Hopefully I'm somewhere on that list too...) It's given me the idea for a next article called "Think Like An Athlete and Radically Change Your Marriage". Mind you, I know very little about the mechanics of professional sports, can barely tell the names attached to the sport, i.e.:
Are the Bruins hockey or football? It's pathetic, but I do somehow know a thing or two about sports psychology, that's right up my alley! So here's a sports tool you can easily use in your own life, even if you're not about to attempt your own bobsled run in the olympics:
AFFIRMATIONS: An affirmation is a positive declaration of a condition you'd like to exist, stated positively in the present tense, using the personal pronoun "I".
For example:
I enjoy weekends with my partner.
I love my husband's cooking efforts.
I feel happy in our new home.
I enjoy teamwork with my spouse.
I deserve my partner's attention.
It may seem hokey, but affirmations are a great tool to prime your brain for relationship success through positive visualizations. Try it!
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. My new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com will be live this week, finally! Go there and you'll have access to articles and lots more upcoming information about relationship success.
How To Be A Better Couple
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tom Brady And Coping With Stress
Hello Reader,
As you may have heard, Tom Brady, the NFL Football superhero, was in a car accident today in Boston. It was really bad timing, not only for another person involved who sustained injuries, but also for Brady who has apparently been in contract negotiations for some time, and was possibly going to reach an agreement today. In the football world, such an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, doesn't bode well for Brady. He was worried about the other injured passenger, en route to a practice, and awaiting the contract outcome. An average person would have been totally freaked out, and not very functional after this particular sequence of events. But a newscaster said Brady wasn't injured, and planned to attend practice, not because he's callous, but because he has a remarkable ability to compartmentalize.
It made me think of this typical (more often male) coping strategy, and how double-edged it is. It so often disconnects people from experiences and context, and alienates partners, but also enables great athletes and others not to fall apart under stress.
I tell clients to observe the duality of this coping strategy, and figure out when it serves them well, as well as when it handicaps them, particularly in their relationships.
How does it serve you?
Signing off,
Susan Lager
P.S. Look for my upcoming article related to this issue available through my new website later this month(!!!!!!) at: How To Be A Better Couple
P.SS. Also check out my latest published article:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
As you may have heard, Tom Brady, the NFL Football superhero, was in a car accident today in Boston. It was really bad timing, not only for another person involved who sustained injuries, but also for Brady who has apparently been in contract negotiations for some time, and was possibly going to reach an agreement today. In the football world, such an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, doesn't bode well for Brady. He was worried about the other injured passenger, en route to a practice, and awaiting the contract outcome. An average person would have been totally freaked out, and not very functional after this particular sequence of events. But a newscaster said Brady wasn't injured, and planned to attend practice, not because he's callous, but because he has a remarkable ability to compartmentalize.
It made me think of this typical (more often male) coping strategy, and how double-edged it is. It so often disconnects people from experiences and context, and alienates partners, but also enables great athletes and others not to fall apart under stress.
I tell clients to observe the duality of this coping strategy, and figure out when it serves them well, as well as when it handicaps them, particularly in their relationships.
How does it serve you?
Signing off,
Susan Lager
P.S. Look for my upcoming article related to this issue available through my new website later this month(!!!!!!) at: How To Be A Better Couple
P.SS. Also check out my latest published article:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)