Picking Fights

How's this for starting a sunny Saturday with your beloved hubby:
My husband Thom tells me during breakfast (before we're supposed to leave for a lovely day at our favorite lake), that he forgot to bring home the important papers he'd said we'd go over this weekend so we could make a major financial decision. No matter, we can do it during the week and hopefully it won't impact much.
I stand in the kitchen, bowl in hand, considering how hard I'd have to throw it to hit him in the face. Because I'm not a violent person, and I love my husband dearly in spite of his forgetfulness, I put the bowl down and opt for a less grisly choice. I walk out of the kitchen, leaving him to finish his freshly made omelette all by himself. Two minutes later, I can't help myself,  I come back into the kitchen, and find him nonchalantly chewing on his bagel, looking like his morning is going just peachy. I can't resist. I deploy the nuclear weapon:

"Thom, do you know what I think about when you minimize important things, when you forget stuff, and when it doesn't seem to faze you? Do you want to know? Would you like to know what goes through my head? I think the only option for me is to jump off the Piscataqua Bridge! It would end my suffering. I'd never have to be victimized by your forgetfulness again! Suicide. It would be quick, and less painful than living with you! They'd probably never find me, and you could do your own thing!"

Still chewing, he looks at me blankly. "Why don't you go for your run before we leave, I think you need it."

"A run isn't going to solve this! How can I go to the lake with you? I'll never be able to depend on you! What if I'm drowning? You'd forget to save me!"

And with that, he puts down his bagel and walks out of the room saying he'll spend the day by himself because he's obviously too dangerous to hang around with.

Three important things you need to know before I proceed:

1. I love my husband dearly. He's a sweetie pie. He's dependable. He's a bit forgetful.
2. I would never jump off the Piscataqua bridge. I'm not suicidal, or depressed, or hopeless, especially over a piece of paper. Besides, it's a LONG way down.....
3. I'm from New York, and I'm dramatic. We New Yorkers tend toward hyperbole. And we say some things purely for effect. (You have to, when you're one in ten million!)

Luckily, in my mid-twenties I became a psychotherapist, (probably partly to temper the innate hot-headedness in me which New York amplified). Part of the training is to do a lot of your own therapy, to understand the process, and to learn how to "steer your own ship". One of the things you learn, if you're a good student, is how and why you might pick fights. You also learn how to take the high road, and fess up when you've been an ass.

Fast forward back to my kitchen where Thom has dejectedly decided to finish his bagel. I walk in holding the beach bag full of fun stuff, flash a big smile and say, "Re-do! How would you like to go to the lake with your ridiculous wife who's great at ruining a morning?  I'm sorry for jumping on you. Let's have a great day."

He ambles over to me, grins, gives me a big bagel kiss, and says, "Let's go, Jumper."

(If you choose to pick a fight, you can also choose to end it).........

Gotta go swimming,
Susan Lager

The Self-Talk Test

I work with couples every day around the issue of managing perceived hurts, disappointments, and insults. One partner says or does something, and the other partner reacts to it internally before formulating a response. This initial internal response is usually about a thought the receiver has about what he or she perceives has just happened. It comes in the form of self talk, something the receiver says to him or herself about the occurrence. It generally involves some "meaning making" or interpretation of the event. (example: "He keeps forgetting the shopping list because I'm not that important to him!"). This critical self talk part of the process colors the whole ensuing event. What people say to themselves then effects the feelings about the event, and ultimately the behavior related to it.

So, listen to your self talk, and take this quick test:

1.  Are you routinely assigning negative meanings to your partner's behavior? (List them).
2. Might there be more benign meanings for it? What would they be? (List them).
3. Ask a reasonable person who knows and cares about both of you, what meaning they would make of the behavior.
4. Are you recycling some old, worn out narratives which applied to any other relationships earlier in your life? (List each next to its corresponding relationship).
5. Pay attention, and you may avoid talking yourself out of a good relationship!

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager

A Very Special Birthday

Twenty-four years ago, right about now, I was in labor with our son Alec. I was clueless about how I’d live through the pain, and even more clueless about the grand adventure my husband and I were about to embark upon. I had never felt parenthood was part of my destiny, so making the decision to have a child was more like tossing a coin - “heads”: lets have a kid - maybe it will be fun, with no later-in-life wistfulness, “tails”: no kid - less noise and expense, more travel and sleep. So it turned out to be heads, and what an amazing journey it has been!  The experience of love so visceral, the joys so intense, the vulnerability so raw, the pride so vast, the sense of discovery so unending, the learning so constant, the mistakes so stupid, the fatigue so frequent, the disappointments so heartbreaking, the laughter and fun so deep, (on and on and on....)

So for anyone out there contemplating taking on the most important job in life with love in your heart, emotional consciousness, courage, diligence, and “ready enoughness”, I hope it will be “heads” for you too!

Happy birthday Alec, you are the most precious gift ever..........

Be Intentional!

I was reading a piece recently about "professional success" as defined by reaching whatever goals you've set out for yourself. It had to do with being authentic, and digging down to figure out what your own dreams are, and not just following someone else's agenda.

When I think of success in any endeavor, what comes to mind for me is being intentional. It's okay to fall into some things like a new hairdo, a new restaurant, a random book to read, maybe even occasionally a random acquaintance, but when it comes to your goals and dreams about anything important, I don't think it's a great idea to let things happen by chance or accident. (You may find yourself in a lovely place doing something meaningful, or you may end up on the "wrong side of town" fighting for your life).

So if you want something, whether it's a better relationship with your significant other, or you want to learn how to juggle, be intentional about pursuing it. Create a clear vision of your goal, then make a map or action plan for how to get there. Anticipate road bumps, and how you'll get over them. Be clear about what you'll do to stay motivated. Keep your eye on the prize and you'll have quicker, more obvious success.
I'm being very intentional about savoring all the beauty and sweetness of the summer, so I gotta go pack the bikes back on the car again.......
Back sooner or later,

Susan Lager

Summertime Blues

If you live in  New England, (or anywhere else with a seven month winter), you have a love-hate relationship with the place and the weather. Here on the coast of Maine and New Hampshire we adore the ocean, the nearby lakes and mountains, Boston and Portland just a stone's throw away, and the intoxicating beauty of the place.  The downside is that right about now in the middle of the summer, people start getting nervous about the looming arctic freeze,  all the fun experiences they need to pack in before the snow flies, and depressed about what they haven't done yet during the teeny- weeny summer season.  (I've labelled it "New England Seasonal Affective Disorder"). It's more commonly referred to as the Summertime Blues.

What's the "cure"? Try to live in the moment, savoring each and every experience. Be present! Do one thing at once, so you're fully participating in the activity. Also, make a list of all the things you wanted to do and haven't yet done. Come up with an action plan to bring those experiences to life, asking your "significant others" for help, so you don't get overwhelmed with "plan overload", leaving yourself open to those dreaded Summertime Blues.  Also, recognize that it's quality, not quantity that counts. If you do one meaningful, fun thing each weekend with your own good company, or someone you care about, and incorporate a few new playful activities into your work week, you'll have more of a sense of living well. And just think, when the flowers and the greenery are all gone in a few months, winter will have its beauty as well, (other than shoveling, black ice, hailstorms, five layers of clothing, dry skin, and power outages.)

Happy rest of summer,

Susan Lager

"Communication Problems Gone with 5 Simple Fixes"

Tune in to my BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 9PM EST toll-free 877-497-9046 for an open microphone show about remedies for the most common communication problems. Join the conversation and share your dilemmas and thoughts. It should be fun!

Susan Lager

Casey Anthony Verdict

One can't escape the incredible news about Casey Anthony clearly looking like she's gotten away with murder. People everywhere are outraged,  disenchanted with the American legal system, and also sadly feeling cynicism and resignation about the lack of fairness and justice in the world. Murderers get set free, while Willie Nelson gets probable jail time for possession of 3 ounces of marijuana. The world is upside down! Spouses who lie and cheat fare no worse in court than spouses who have been loyal and true. Life-long, diligent employees get muscled out of companies to make room for cheaper "twenty somethings" with questionable skills. Parents abuse their kids verbally and often physically without consequences. Drunk drivers slaughter innocent victims en route to work or a family picnic. What does one do to avoid pessimism and utter despair??

It's really a matter of where you put your attention. Focus instead, each day on all the goodness, generosity, kindness, and love in your everyday life. Connect with the toll-taker, the clerk, the server, the mechanic, the teller, the boss, the neighbor, the friend, the co-worker. Be intentional about finding innocence, decency, good will, courage, humor, creativity, humility, compassion, and joy in all the people you encounter. You will find an abundance of all those things if you just look for them. Then, even with all its injustice and cruelty, the world will feel like a safer, happier home to you.

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

PS.  Tune in to my next BlogTalk Radio show, "Communication Problems Gone With Simple Five-Minute Fixes" on Wednesday, July 13th at 9PM. Call in live to participate in the discussion at toll-free 877-497-9046.