The Love Of Family

Anthony Brandt wrote: "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." How true!
I had that same experience this past long weekend with my family all together here in Maine to celebrate my older sister's birthday. We also gathered to circle round a beloved father, husband, and brother-in-law as he faces critical cancer surgery. Both occasions are important markers of change. Both warranted loving acknowledgement. Both events required the unconditional, visceral love and sense of belonging you get when you have a "good enough" family.

I felt particularly blessed this weekend to have such a family. We laughed, we cried, we dined, we toured, we shopped, we told stories, we watched TV, we learned, we celebrated, we circled our wagons.
Life is sweeter today because the weekend started and ended with family.

I wish all of you a loving family. If you weren't born into one, create one of your own!

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

Need Love!

My husband Thom, and I are babysitting for our son's girlfriend's guinea pig this weekend. The two of them (my son and his girlfriend, not the guinea pig), went upstate and didn't want to leave Graham (the guinea pig), in the hot car en route, so the skittish little rodent is our house guest for the next few days.
It's already been an eye-opening experience.  Graham, rodent though he is, needs love just like the rest of us! If he's left in his cage by himself too long, he "sulks" by withdrawing into his little igloo house when coaxed to come out. He makes special "irritated" squeaks that guinea pig experts distinguish from the happy squeals he makes when he's petted and held. When he's taken out of his cage and allowed to hang out with the family, he gets perkier by the minute, and ends up "popcorning" around the floor (skittering about with hops and jumps). When you hold him, he lovingly looks up into your eyes and makes more joyful, purring type squeaks. He's a first cousin of the rat, but this little guy needs love! And if an 8 inch guinea pig needs love, what about people?

Nobody likes to be taken for granted. You probably cuddle with your dog, pet your cat, and like me, get cozy with your guinea pig. How affectionate have you been to the humans in your life? How cozy have you and your partner been with each other? Are you withdrawing and sulking in your little houses, or are you "popcorning" around? Think about it.............

Gotta go love up Graham some more,
Susan Lager

9/11 Anniversary

For the past few weeks I've met with clients experiencing profound dread and sadness about the upcoming tenth anniversary of 9/11.  What has compounded it has been the onslaught of terrible news about extreme flooding in the Northeast, wildfires and widespread loss of homes in Texas, the tragic plane crash in Russia, the Seven Eleven slaughter, the rising suicide rate in Japan, and many, many other reports of horrific events and developments.
In the case of the 9/11 anniversary, we can at least take solace in the solidarity of national grieving and memorials. We validate each other around the pain and loss. Together we prepare for the "anniversary effect" - revisiting the traumatic images and memories imprinted in our brains. We unite in the healing process. We try to make sense of what happened.
Unfortunately, we're left to our own defenses around the other daily, tragic events.  Clients and friends say they feel helpless, alone, and increasingly anxious in an unsafe world.

There is no magic formula for dealing with all this. Even people of deep religious faith feel profoundly tested in the face of such daily tragedy.
What helps me is to surround myself with love, to remind myself of the essential goodness of people, and the joys of life. I also focus on the small things I can do, to mitigate against feelings of helplessness regarding all the trauma. Going into meaningful action, being present in the grace of the moment, and making heartfelt connections, are my medicines for staying sturdy in such turbulent times.
But it's also helpful to honor the grief and sadness, and sometimes just cry.

Susan Lager

Depressing Things We Say

• "You never know......"
• "What next!"
• "Here we go again"
• "It's always something!"
• "Whatever...."
• "Beats me...."
• "I can't win!"
• "For crying out loud!"
• "Son of a bitch!"
• "Oy vey!"
• "For the love of God!"
• "Sue me!"
• "Gag me with a wooden spoon!"
• "They shoot horses, don't they?"
• "Life sucks."
• "Life is short, and then you die."
• "Why bother?"
• "Who cares?"
• "You can't trust anyone!"

How often do you say things like this, and what does it do to your mood?

Think about it.........

Susan Lager

Preparing For The Hurricane

Most everyone living in the northeastern U.S. is preparing for Hurricane Irene to arrive in all her fury.
The supermarkets are jammed with people stocking up on water, batteries, flashlights, ice, food, and all sorts of other supplies needed in the event of power outages, and floods.

 The odd thing is that today was a gorgeous, sunny day showing no signs of the likely destruction and general mayhem to come. Maybe it's an occupational hazard, but it feels to me like a perfect metaphor for the uncertainty of life inside a committed relationship: At the moment all seems calm, but inevitably there are huge storms coming, and if you're not prepared, you're screwed. It you wait till the last minute your resources will be limited at best. If you don't have a plan for how to brave the storm, you'll be in reactive "chaos mode", and won't fare so well. If you don't pay attention to the warning signs, you'll be in dangerous denial, and could be swept away. If you try to go it alone without proper teamwork, you'll be at risk. So think of nurturing and bolstering your relationship as similar to preparing for the hurricane.
You hope for the best while allowing for the worst, and chances are, there's sunshine again on the other side.

Hope all goes well,
Susan Lager

Negotiation In Marriage

As a couples therapist I routinely see couples struggling with decisions which make nobody happy!
Natalie wants one thing, Ned wants something else, (or so it seems). They then either slug it out emotionally until one person gets their way, or they "take their marbles and go home" - withdrawing into their respective corners with animosity because they couldn't come to some kind of reasonable agreement.

Marriage and partnerships are all about negotiation, whether it's when and where we go on vacation, or how and when we tackle home projects, or which school to send the kids to. The worst thing couples do is to come up with "win-lose" or "either-or" solutions. In negotiation language we call that a dismal failure. The aim instead is to move toward "both-and" or "win-win"solutions, where each partner may give something up, but also gets something important to them. So if Ned wants to spend time in the Fall working on home projects, and Natalie wants a trip, the goal is to see how either they can do both reasonably, or take turns getting their way. The most critical thing is to craft solutions which address key parts of each of their concerns, not polarize around differences.

How good a negotiator are you in your partnership?

Have a mutually good end of summer,
Susan Lager

Just Do It!

I've worked with hundreds of clients over the years who tell me they don't do healthy things like exercise, meditate, or eat moderately because they don't feel like it. People who are depressed or anxious, and the most in need of self-nurture, are often the biggest culprits, rationalizing a lack of self care with their lack of motivation / energy. Especially when people are biochemically compromised, as they are in a clinical depression, I push back and often say, "Who in their right mind feels excited about getting out of a nice warm bed, particularly on a dark, cold morning, to freeze outdoors on a run? Only olympic athletes, or people who've had a lobotomy! You need to 'just do it', as the Nike slogan says."
The Prochaska Change theory emphasizes the stages people need to go through to get to the action part of change: pre-contemplation, contemplation, and preparation. According to this theory, change isn't something you usually just logically decide to do, and then do. One must first feel stirrings internally, then face and resolve the ambivalence about letting go of the status quo. One must also prepare with an action plan. The problem is that folks can get lost in any one of the stages, overthinking the whole thing. The fallacy is that once the ambivalence is "resolved", one will be sufficiently motivated to act. Deciding why something like stopping smoking is good for you, is important. Knowing your tools to achieve it is vital. Having an action plan, especially one which makes the process more pleasant, is critical. But to "pull the trigger" don't wait for a burning desire (excuse the pun) to ban the butts. Just do it.

I use this psychology in my own life as well. If I think about my motivation to pay bills or do book work, I'm dead in the water. I'll even vacuum the house, or clean toilets to avoid it! So I think of it this way: there are some things in life that are equivalent to bad tasting medicine - horrible going down, but good for you in the long run. The challenge is twofold:

1. Make the "medicine" taste better so you're more apt to take it.
2. Make your motivation for action the "caboose", not the "locomotive". In other words, focus on how you feel about it after you've done it, not before.

So if you're avoiding something you need to do which you know will be good for you, like exercising regularly, don't wait for the stars to line up as a sign of the "perfect moment". Stop thinking about it so much on the front end. Just do it! You'll be glad you did.

Gotta go take those nasty vitamins,
Susan Lager