Depressing Sundays

I love my work as a psychotherapist, coach, and writer. I get so caught up in it that the the weeks fly by.
It's Monday morning, then before I know it, it's Friday night! Yet even so, I find Sunday nights a big, depressing drag. People write about how it relates to anxiety and dread about the return to the work week, often at jobs that are loathed. In my case, however, I think it'a about letting go of the looseness of the unstructured weekend, eating and drinking a bit more freely, waking up late, and spending languorous time with the people I love. I think it's about making the transition to a different way of functioning, using different parts of one's brain, and being more accountable, having to be on time and lucid.

My antidote is to pull myself back into the moment of whatever is happening on Sunday night, and stop anticipating the transition. I focus on doing things on Sunday night which are compelling, like watching a good movie, or calling up friends and relatives. I use thought-stopping techniques to stop thinking about the challenges of Monday, and remind myself that I'm always "there" when I get there. I also think it's helpful to do some Monday morning tasks before Sunday night hits. I balance my checkbook, check voicemail and return some calls, get the garbage ready for pickup, do my nails if they look raggedy.
It takes some of the punch out of the transition on Monday morning.

If you get Sunday night blues, take comfort in knowing you don't have to quit your job, and you're in good company with half the planet. Before you know it, you'll be wondering what you're going to do to have a glorious weekend.

Cheers,
Susan Lager
PS. By the end of this week my "Products" page should be up and running and open for business on my website, SusanLager.com. You'll find several articles about compelling topics there!

Bipartisan Solutions (In Relationships)

If you're at all like me you probably have a TV, and are subjected daily to news about all the rancor between the Republican, and Independent candidates competing to be the nominee against Barack Obama in the next presidential race. If you're a real glutton for punishment, (like me), you probably also watch the news about all the fighting in Congress over issues about healthcare, job creation, and the national debt, etc.
We see the players hit stalemates with some frequency, polarizing about the "right" or "wrong" view of the issues, and then about "right" or "wrong" solutions to those problems. What's missing most often are bipartisan solutions which incorporate mutual concerns, and work well enough for everybody.

This is what I see happens for lots of couples. They argue about what really happened, who started the problem, and what the "right" solution would be. (Does this sound familiar?)
The issue could be as mundane as which restaurant to go to for dinner, or as weighty as how and when to discipline the children. Whatever the issue, it's a battle for who will get their way, and who will be acknowledged as "right". But if one partner is "right", then that makes the other one "wrong". If one "wins," the other loses.

If you're guilty of this polarizing stance, as most of us are at times, just look at the political scene to get an accurate picture of the likely outcome. It doesn't bode well for any relationships, whether you're a member of congress facing legislation with your peers, or whether you're in a couple dealing with disciplining the kids. If you want happier relationships with everyone, then you must "reach across the aisle" and seek "bipartisan solutions"!

Cheers,
Susan Lager
PS.  If you're interested in seeing my initial selection of articles which will give you tools and insights about how to have happier, closer relationships with everybody, go to the "Products" page of my website www.SusanLager.com.  The page will be open for purchases any day now! (I promise).

PSS. (The holdup isn't because I'm sitting around yelling at the TV 24/7.  It's because I've been in the process of publishing my first book, "I'm Talking! Are You Listening? Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat!")  Look for it soon on Amazon.com in paperback, then soon afterward as an ebook available for Kindle. 

Sisters: The Good, The Bad, and The In-Between, One Year Later

Hard to believe it, but it's been a year since my wildly popular BlogTalk Radio show with my two
outspoken, "different as night and day" sisters! There were so many listeners, and such great feedback,
that we decided to do an encore broadcast. This time we'll be reflecting back on the changes we each went through in 2011, and the changes we may have noticed in our relationship with each other. We'll also talk about time passing, and looming closer to old age, especially as Laura, the "baby" turns 61 on Friday the 13th. (poor Laura....)

So, tune in tomorrow night, Wednesday, January 11th at 9 PM EST. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 and join the party as a listener, or join us live on the air and pitch in your 2 cents. If you can't make the show at 9 PM, you can listen to the recording on the webplayer at my website, www.SusanLager.com
One way or another, you'll get a peek at my wild, crazy, wonderful family.

Till then,
Susan Lager

Pushing Yourself (to get out of the house)

I had a very decadent day today. Woke up at 11 AM (up writing till the wee hours of the morning), had a big breakfast, hung around in PJ's, went for a measly half hour speed walk, and worked on my soon- to- be-(finally!)-published ebook, "Radically Raise Your Relationship IQ". In my world, this day was total sloth. No chores, no major accomplishments, never even got dressed or went outside, other than for the measly walk! Just hung out doing my thing while my husband busily stacked wood all day, enjoying the balmy winter afternoon, and his industriousness.
However, the sloth was soon to be interrupted by an obligatory attendance at a multimedia show in town.

Our son had given us the tickets as one of his Christmas gifts, so we had to haul ourselves out of our respective cocoons, get dressed and put on party faces for the Saturday night date. It required such a pushing of ourselves to do this, that we had a mini fight in the car en route to the new restaurant where we'd made a dinner reservation. The last person in the world I wanted to sit across a table from was my irritating husband.
We ended up having a lovely dinner, however, after making conciliatory gestures to each other, walked around Portsmouth, had a latte in a cafe, went to the show, ran into a wonderful old friend we hadn't seen in ages, and had an absolutely terrific evening!

The moral of this little tidbit is that sometimes you just have to push yourself to get out of your comfort zone, get out of the house and make room for a surprise experience. You'll never know what awaits you if you don't.

Pushing myself to go to sleep,
Susan Lager
PS.  Stay tuned for my next Blogtalk Radio show, "Sisters, The Good, The Bad, and The In Between, One Year Later" on Wednesday, January 11th at 9 PM. Call in toll-free: 877-497-9046 and join us live on the air for what should be a wild show with my outrageous sisters!

New Year's Blues

I'm not going to start by saying "Happy New Year", ok?  If you're reading this blog entry, you're probably bummed about facing your (tedious, overwhelming) everyday life now that the party's over, and you're not feeling very happy. Maybe you're in good company with millions of people suffering from Seasonal Affective Depression (SAD), getting more glum as the daylight hours are diminished. If so, get the special light for that, and sit if front of it at least 15 minutes per day. It will help immensely. And cheer up - after December 21st the daylight hours expand bit by bit every single day until June 21st when it  goes the other way and we're all screwed again.
Maybe you don't have S.A.D., but you drank too much, ate too much, spent too much, and overall had WAY too much fun during the holidays. If so, don't worry - I'm not going to offer you chirpy advice about how to stay positive and get back on the horse. Go look EVERYWHERE else for that "helpful" stuff.
Instead, I have two words for you to repeat to yourself frequently during the next week or two as you feel that dreaded New Year's "back to the grind" feeling:

"SO WHAT?" That's right, "SO WHAT?"

Unless you're clinically depressed, (in which case the above doesn't apply, and you should seek professional help), most people don't die from feeling sorry for themselves occasionally.
So enjoy your pity party, complain to all your friends and family, listen to their complaints, slog around, and milk it for all it's worth, knowing that you're "normal", and in great company with loads of people who are suffering from the New Year's Blues.
Chances are by mid January, you'll get sick of the whole routine, and will be ready for the next thing.

Hang in there,
Susan Lager
PS. Stay tuned for my "next things", which are my long overdue Ebooks and articles available for sale later this month on the "products" page of my website, SusanLager.com !

The Year 2011 In Review

We're at that point we get to each year when we're bombarded with images in the media of the past year. We note infamous crimes, acts of heroism, deaths, political highs and lows, social events, foreign developments, economic swings, etc., etc. Because I'm a psychotherapist and coach, my version of the Year  In Review is, of course, one that focuses on the external and internal emotional events which have marked people's lives. (Any surprise there?)

If you're doing your own Year 2011 In Review you could either reflect back upon:

• how much money you made or didn't
• how many sick days you took off from work
• how many vacations you went on and if they were worth much
• how much weight you gained or lost
• if you finally stopped smoking or not
• if your spouse drove you crazier than ever
• which friends let you down
• if you got your house de-cluttered
• who got divorced after a messy affair
• who died young 

(Blah, blah, blah....)

Or you could do this kind of Year In Review:

• what were my major accomplishments at work?
• what positive steps did I take in my marriage?
• how was I more thoughtful and loving to my family?
• did I do any better at setting appropriate limits around time asked of me?
• how well did I take care of myself physically?
• did I expand myself intellectually and spiritually?
• what major lessons did I learn in 2011?
• did I have enough fun this past year?
• did I stand up for what's important to me?
• what did I model for my children? 
• was I a generous enough friend to the people I care about?
• whose accomplishments brought me joy?

Get the difference? After you have (hopefully) chosen the latter set of reflections, you have a beginning template for an even better 2012!  Gotta wrap some more presents.

Happy Holidays! Happy End of 2011!

Susan Lager 

Take It Easy!

Everyone, including myself, is running around getting ready for the rest of the holidays, and I mean "running around"! We're in the home stretch now for getting our homes sufficiently decorated, getting those gifts bought and in the mail,
making sure all our cards are written and sent out, choosing our menus, and finalizing our holiday plans so we don't feel left out of all "the fun" socially. Then there's the usual busyness of housework, making meals, working jobs so we can pay the bills, raising our children, getting some sleep, and of course, finding some time for self care, like indulging in a measly workout here and there. Not to mention the little detail of having an occasional conversation with our partner, or loved ones!
As I participate in, and observe the race all around, I've decided that three things are important to keep in mind to preserve one's sanity, and to actually derive some fun and meaning around the holidays:

1. Check your perfectionism. Even Martha Stewart, the maven of style, class, and coziness, has legions of "elves" all around to create the illusion of perfection. So don't buy into the invention. Instead, establish a "good enough" standard which allows for the realities of your time and energy constraints, allows you to enjoy yourself, and to stay focused on your goals for the season. At this juncture, less is more. Keep those expectations in check.
2. Let others help. Don't over-function your way into martyrdom. You'll be a more pleasant companion if you let other people share in the labor of making holiday traditions happen. The people around you will feel more invested in activities they have helped to create. You'll also be more rested if you don't view the holidays as a "one man/woman show".
3. Practice the fine art of saying "no" if you are feeling maneuvered into doing more than your fair share of holiday activity. If you have a partner or sibling who seems to be bailing out on you, and expecting you to compensate for their inactivity, then draw a line in the sand, and let consequences happen. You'll then avoid some resentment around feeling exploited.

Stay conscious!

Susan Lager

PS.  Check out my new eBooks and articles for sale later this month at the "Products" page of my website: SusanLager.com. You'll get "pre-published" first dibs on great tools for better communication, and better relationships!