Another Birthday!

I'm about to have (yet another!) birthday. Before last night I was feeling quite bleak about it, thinking that time is running out, and that I'll never accomplish all the things I'd like to, never see all the places I want to see, never master all the challenges facing me, never read all the books I'd love to, never connect sufficiently with all the people I'd want to, and never learn all the things I want to learn. "Time is the enemy," I kept thinking all day as I wrangled with stupid internet problems. Mind you, I do not have a terminal illness as far as I know, so it was just depressive thinking about inevitable endings and limitations.

Meanwhile, a bit of context: I was sitting at home on a rainy day, looking out at my beautiful garden, having done a rigorous workout in my fully equipped gym, intermittently chatting with my loving son and future daughter-in-law, petting the cat.

That evening, my husband came home, and in an excited, conspiratorial tone, spoke for the group, telling me we were all going to some new restaurant in Sanford, Maine. (?????) It was just a bit fishy, as Sanford is the nondescript, country town you go through to go to our lake, not a place for a special birthday. I knew something was up when "en route," we turned into the driveway of our good friends Kathy and John, who greeted us with a wonderful surprise party complete with "Happy Birthday Susan!" signs all over their giant, food and drink-filled kitchen. The evening was filled with fun and laughter, as we told stories, ate, drank, and played "Catch Phrase," as though there was a winner's prize worth millions. Then this morning, my family again treated me like a queen, as we celebrated at a lovely brunch, telling jokes, opening presents, and marveling at the persistent rain.

So, as I finish this post, I'm now one year older, with obviously less time ahead, but lots more loving and living to do, and much to be thankful for.

Happy Birthday to me!

The Art of Doing Grey

I had a silly fight with my husband Thom tonight because he doesn't "do grey"!

He recently got a new schedule at work, which gives him a long weekend, allowing more time for all kinds of fun, chores and projects. We've always  had an unstated agreement (maybe we don't!), that the person not going into work will do dishes, make the bed, set up dinner, so the at-work person can come home to some order and calm, and something reasonable to eat. Basic thoughtfulness.

Because Thom doesn't "do grey," he gets all caught up in whatever he's doing with a vengeance, and forgets to go to the bathroom, let the cat out, and unfortunately, forgets to do the dishes, make the bed, and prepare a measly meal. This time he even went to get some Vodka for himself, and was so excited to get back to his muddy lawn, he even forgot to get me some wine. (I don't drink much, but I enjoy a chilled white wine spritzer in the evenings.)

Thom lives in the Land of Black and White, where if you're seeding the lawn or hauling rocks or planting tomatoes, there's no room for extraneous, "grey" things, like meal prep, etc. It's one thing or the other. So when I drove up, all tired and happy to see him after a long day's work, up he comes from out of our woods, covered in dirt, yakking about his peppers, tomatoes, and grass. I go into the house which looks like a bomb hit it, dishes everywhere, no wine, no food, an unmade bed, and a totally unwelcoming scene. I'll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say, I felt unconsidered, unwelcomed. I was glad he'd had a lovely day, but will never understand why there's no room for even half an hour of "grey"!

Do you too, live in the Land of Black and White, or do you too, do "grey"?

Curious,
Susan Lager
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Smart Summer Planning

Here we are nearing the end of May (!), summer is around the corner for most people on this part of the planet, and I'm wondering how many of you, single or coupled, have made any significant summer plans.
What I observe many people here in the Northeastern US doing is avoiding the subject, or fretting about it without making decisions, or fighting about it. Then Fall comes and many of these Northeasterners anguish about all the fun stuff they could have done and didn't, while the weather was friendly. We therapists call this kind of behavior NEUROTIC!

Here's a better idea for smart summer planning:

1. Start thinking about your vision for a lovely summer, early, ideally in April or May.
2. If you're part of a couple, make a date to share your visions with each other, then create a mix which incorporates key parts of what you each want.
3. Coupled or single, be adventurous and try new experiences and places. It's good for you.
4. If you have children of camp age, make reservations early, and factor what you and your partner need as a couple into the mix. Don't let every minute be about the kids! Nurture yourselves too!
5. If you're single, think about what kinds of experiences will provide you with ample, meaningful social connections. Don't allow yourself to feel more marginalized in this coupled world.
6. Look realistically at your "To Do" list of projects and chores. If most of it feels like drudgery, set limits on your expectations. Many disappointments come from unrealistically ambitious expectations, and an imbalance between the "need to's" and "want to's". Use cloudy or rainy days for the chores, so you don't feel short-changed in the fun department on Labor Day.
7. Build in time to stop and "smell the roses". Over-scheduling often creates undo stress and anxiety.
8. Create an 'end of summer' ritual, celebrating the season, and heralding in the unique beauty of the Fall season about to unfold.
9. Rinse and repeat for Fall. 

Enjoy!

Susan Lager

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Mothers Everywhere

Earlier tonight I went to a yearly fundraising auction for Sweetzer Services in Maine, an organization serving children and families in need. Many of the children have families who have serious mental health issues, or parents who cannot care for them. Many of the children live in group home settings, without families of their own in their lives. It's always heartbreaking and heartwarming to hear their stories of survival and hope.

Whenever I go, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to help in some small financial way. I'm also reminded about what it must be like to grow up without a mother, or a family of one's own.

I think it fitting, that on the eve of this Mother's Day, mothers everywhere not diminish the critical role they play in the shaping of a child's life through love, constancy and protection. For all you mothers who wrestle with self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, exhaustion, and occasional despair, (most mothers?), remember that without your (flawed) love your children would be lost.
So, cut yourself a bit of slack, do your best, and celebrate your heroic role. Happy Mother's Day!

Drunk Drivers

I had the most unnerving experience driving home tonight from work at about 9 PM. (Yes, I work late some nights, but don't roll into work until noon most days.)

I go home via a long, winding, country road which is beautiful by moonlight. I pass farms, fields, barns, stately old Maine colonial homes, ramshackle cottages with lobster traps and junk all over their yards, coastal inlets, deer, foxes, and all things wild and natural. The trip home is usually a lovely site-seeing interval after an intense work day. Not tonight.
I was directly behind someone in a pickup truck who at first seemed to be doing some site-seeing of their own, weaving back and forth in the lane. Before long, they were veering into the oncoming traffic lane, then all the way back, almost into the snow ditch, barely avoiding utility poles and mailboxes. It was obviously a very drunk driver, having trouble staying on the road, but too drunk to get off the road, and out of harm's way.

I noted the license plate, called 911, and reported the event, thinking I'd be ruining this driver's night, but the alternative was deadly. From the comfort and anonymity of my car, this was an easy choice.
It made me wonder, however, if I'd have the courage to stand up alone, and speak up in a not so anonymous situation, if I were witness to some reckless or unconscionable act.
I'd like to think so. Would you?

Always,
Susan Lager
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Are You A Lazy Husband?

Calling all lazy husbands! You (should) know who you are: you leverage your wife's need to keep the peace, her need for order, her need to please, to take care of everyone, her guilt, her less than terrific self esteem, etc. You cash in on it with lots of napping, watching TV, drinking beer, puttering in the garage, puttering with your car or motorcycle, yakking with the neighbors (also remiss husbands), checking your email, looking at porn, and just being a couch potato with the dog or cat.
Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of loving, generous husbands who do their fair share of the work on the home front. There are also lots of wives who drop the ball on their husbands, letting them do 80% of the work, while they work out, play tennis, have lunch with friends, and shop, or read, or putter around. Right now I'm focusing on lazy husbands who cop out, because it's probably a more common complaint wives have, than husbands have, and because I can't talk about everything at once.

If you've heard your wife complain with some frequency about your lack of participation around the house, you can either discount her as a chronic, unprovoked nag, or you can do some soul searching about the possible kernels of truth in her complaints. If you choose the latter, you might want to examine what you're trying to accomplish with doing less. Maybe, it's your way of flipping her the bird, because you feel resentful about things the two of you don't discuss. Maybe you feel unappreciated for the other things you do in your life together. Maybe the two of you have set up a "parent-child" dynamic, with you playing the part of the lax child, needing to be scolded by a parent, a scenario which might mirror your family of origin dynamic. Maybe it's your way of getting attention, feeling short-changed by your wife's attention to the kids and relatives. Maybe you were just trained by your family to expect others to wait on you, and feel it's your entitlement.

Whatever drives your under-functioning, kmow that being a lazy husband always has consequences. Don't expect her to be warm and fuzzy in the bedroom, when the context is one of disparate contribution to the work load.
Don't think she'll forget it and be available for fun and lightness, with time and distraction. Don't expect to feel good about yourself, down deep, when you know on some level that you aren't carrying your own weight. Do expect resentment, a disengaged, cold shoulder, more nagging, and a buildup of contempt.
The good news is that if you use your words about what bothers you or what you need, instead of acting it out through under-functioning, you can open up potentially constructive dialogue about who needs what, and what to do about it. It's far more constructive and mature. You'll also avoid the unpleasantness of life in the dog house. It's your call......

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager

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