Gone Fishing (Again!)

I'm a very regimented person. I get up at the same time each day, do the morning teeth and face cleanse, make a cup of coffee, balance my accounts, pay some bills, answer my voicemail, check my email, do some dishes, dead-head the garden flowers, make my lunch, do a workout, watch the news, eat the same breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, drive to my office, see some clients, return more voicemails, grab the same lunch, see more clients, answer more voicemails, schmooze with colleagues, drive home, make some calls, change clothes, go for a garden walk, have some dinner with my husband, watch more news, watch a TV episode, do some writing, do some reading, and go to bed. Then it all starts and ends the same way the next day until the weekend when it's a different, slightly more exotic routine.

I'm also very governed by "shoulds" like, "I should keep appointments", "I should work out six days a week", "I should be more patient", "I should always be learning", "I should write in my blog", "I should write another article", "I should work on my next book", "I should finish my membership site", I should prepare for my radio show", "I should get my finances ready for the accountant and Quickbooks", "I should go to more plays and concerts", "I should answer my Facebook messages", "I should volunteer", "I should go back to Italy", "I should lose twenty pounds", "I should be a better friend, sister, mother, and wife", "I should exfoliate more often", "I should talk more slowly", "I should stretch daily", "I should clean the refrigerator".  (On and on, and on, and on.....) It's a wonder I'm not depressed!

So, I've challenged all my "shoulds," and given myself a break from blogging, writing, etc. to be outside this Spring "enjoying" hauling mulch, spreading stones, raking, planting and painting. (Ain't life grand!) I've once again put up a sign saying, "Gone Fishing"!!!!!!!!

If any of this "good girl" routine sounds familiar to you, remember that sometimes, for some of us, "goofing off" and "breaking the rules" is a good thing.

I should go to bed,

Susan Lager

Staying In The Couplespeak™ Game

As a couples therapist I routinely talk to my clients about the ambiguous road ahead of them in working on repairing and enriching their relationships. The work is generally fraught with uncertainty and likely setbacks, as is the case with most hard earned changes. This discussion always involves the issue of what each partner needs to "stay in the game," or what would they minimally require of themselves and each other to maintain hope, energy and good faith in the process.

What each of us needs to "stay in the game" applies to any endeavor which doesn't produce immediate lovely results. Last week, after three years of often grueling work, I received my official documentation awarding me the trademark for the name "Couplespeak." I had invented the name for a division of my company which would provide coaching products and services live and online. Getting the trademark with proprietorial rights to the name required me to write books, articles, eBooks, develop workshops, training programs, blogs, videos, a BlogTalk Radio program, and to manage multiple internet platforms.

Mind you, all the while I've had a full time private psychotherapy practice, and started with very little interest in the internet and tech devices three years ago. But I loved the name "Couplespeak," and believed that if I could live long enough I could grow it into something really significant. The whole process required that to finish, I stay in the game, the Couplespeak game. I had to devise ways of making myself accountable, and maintaining my passion for the project. I had to enlist the support of my friends and family. I had to learn when to take breaks and when to force myself back into the effort. Just as anyone requires in any big, meaningful project, I needed to keep up my faith in myself, and my faith in the work itself. And now, just as anyone would, I'll need to allow this "finish" to become the remarkable start of something else, a new game.....

Best Regards,
Susan Lager
www.SusanLager.com
PS.  For copies of my new books about staying sane in the relationship game,
go to Amazon:  http://amzn.to/12ALenB  

BlogTalk Radio Show "The Power of An Apology" 3/27/13 8:30 PM EST

Don't miss my  BTR show tonight about this very hot topic!


 Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with questions, comments or to just listen.

Conscious Relationships - How Awake Are You?

I have recently come out of my annual tax trance - the time of year when I'm so immersed in columns of figures and tabulations that a meteor could hit the house and I'd barely notice it. Luckily, my impression is that this oblivious state seems to abate in mid March when I return to my usual therapist's occupational hazard of incessantly questioning and noticing things.

I like to think that I'm generally pretty committed to a process of self-examination, particularly in my relationships. It's a daily practice, though, to do this, kind of like working out or maintaining good sleep habits. Like sobriety, it's easy to fall off the wagon and go back into a behavioral and attitudinal trance at any point, so I'll share a few of the 20 key questions I've devised that you can reflect upon in order to be more awake in your relationships:

1. What am I most insecure about?
2. What defenses do I use to protect myself emotionally?
3. How might these defenses be hurtful to others?
4. Are there other, more benign defenses I could use?
5. Do I apologize when I've been out of line? If so, how?
6. Do I self-medicate with substances? If so, how, when, and with whom?
7. What would happen if I were more open?

If you start with these questions, and are honest with yourself about what you see, I think you'll open up a process of taking more responsibility for yourself, and move toward being more awake in your relationships. For more details about the other 13 key "consciousness questions," as well as a wealth of information about how to thrive in all your partnerships, grab a copy of my new workbook, "Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy" available in paperback, and now also as an eBook on Amazon at:

http://amzn.to/12ALenB 

I know you'll enjoy it!

Susan Lager

Tax Time Crazies - Same Insanity, New Year....

(It's been almost a year since I entered this post, but I'm submitting it AGAIN to make a painful point: This part of our lives seems to never change! The only major difference I've noted in this department was the year I hired a new accountant, one with a great sense of humor who helps me laugh at all this, just a bit. I refer to hiring Gene as a huge "emotionally corrective experience." But as for the rest of it, I'd rather eat glass). Read on and see why.....

Every year starting in March, and going through April 15th, most everyone I know, myself included, gets weirded out about taxes. Preparing them for the accountant, realizing all the money spent on ridiculous things, waiting to find out the verdict about what's owed or what, if anything will be refunded, then PAYING FOR IT! Most dining room tables have long been lost to piles of papers, documenting finances for the past year. Some tables, I hear, have remained in "tax mode" for years!

It's a little bit like pregnancy and childbirth. The buildup is literally and figuratively huge, the event is unnerving, but then, thankfully it's over and forgotten - until the next time around.

The one consolation is that you are not alone. Thousands and thousands of people procrastinate to the very end when dealing with taxes. (I have clients who were just beginning the whole process this week!) Thousands more are checking their mailboxes daily to get the package back from the accountant telling them if they're screwed or not. (I see at least one neighbor doing this each day.)

Everyone moans about it. Nobody has a viable alternative though, if you like having drivable roads, safe bridges, public schools, and such things.

My best advise? Remind yourself that:

1. This is the un-fun part of being an adult.

2. This too shall pass - at least until next year.......

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Surviving and Thriving After Trauma With a Partner's Support - BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight 2/27 8:30 PM EST

Don't miss my next BTR episode, "Surviving and Thriving After Trauma With A Partner's Support"
I'll be co-hosting with Michele Rosenthal, PTSD specialist and author of the critically acclaimed PTSD recovery book, Before The World Intruded.

We'll be discussing Michel's personal journey through trauma, and focusing on the strategies she used to help her overcome PTSD. We'll also be exploring the appropriate expectations and roles for partners in this process.

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM EST to just listen, or to join us on the air with questions or comments.

Hope you can join us!

Tucking In

Have you ever spent a weekend in solitude, tucked in doing various kinds of self care? If not, I'd recommend that you try it sometime, especially if your daily life / work involves intense contact with lots of people, (like my work as a psychotherapist).

I seem to spend one weekend in an extroverted mode, going places and doing things which involve a lot of social contact, then the next weekend living like a hermit, attending to the long personal "to do" list. This weekend I barely went outdoors, except for a few hot tubs, and an excursion to bring out the garbage! Instead, I tucked in yesterday during the snow, reading and writing in front of a roaring fire, cooking, doing book work, having a lovely workout in my gym, and visiting briefly with family when they were here. I thought about going for a snowshoe hike, but that seemed like too much work in the wind and the cold.

Today was equally lovely - up late, a long, Pilates workout, writing letters, answering emails, doing laundry, petting the cat, and just hanging out!

If you can overcome some negative self-talk about behaving like a sloth, the whole idea of slowing down and "going internal" can be absolutely delicious. Everything in our world is geared to rushing around and packing multiple things into a "productive" day. I find it oppressive at times. I'd definitely recommend reconnecting with yourself in a quiet, caring way, with some regularity. Just remember to brush your teeth and get some exercise, and you'll be fine....... ;-)

PS.  For a fun read all about communication tools and skills, you can now buy a copy of my new workbook "Communication Problems Gone With Simple 5 Minute Fixes" available exclusively on the Store page of my website at: http://wp.me/P1ayQF-yV