Facebook Envy

I hate Facebook. I hate all the posturing, self promotion, and mental masturbation which is so common on that medium. I hate all the PR falsehoods,  the whole idea that anyone can have 3,000 "friends"! I don't want to know all the graphic, obsessive details of Barbie's awful time cleaning up Fido's poop, and how it's ruined the grass she paid thousands to maintain. I hate all the wasted time millions of people around the world are committing by living online, and not in their lives. I hate the fact that as a business person I have to have some Facebook presence to not become a dinosaur. I hate the marital violations and boundary crossings committed on Facebook which I work so hard to repair with couples. I hate the whole "faux intimacy" it generates, making face-to-face relationships seem so flat by comparison.

What I hate most of all is the envy it creates through all these illusions. I see so much unnecessary self-devaluation getting fueled by what Martha Beck refers to as "FOMO" - Fear of Missing Out, the idea that everyone else's life is so fabulous, and they've all gone to a giant daily party that is exclusive.

If you ever have this experience of envy when you read other people's posts on Facebook, then I have some tools for you which you may find helpful. I'll share one here:

• Think of what you are reading about other people as just the corner of the picture frame. You are looking at the outside trimming, not the substance in the picture. It's the part people want you to see, not the real internal deal. Would you buy a painting just because the frame looked good? Probably not. Trust that for all the ideal looking vacations, parties, connections, and fun stuff people are posting about, they too have disappointments, frustrations, hurts, and heartbreaks. Barbie may tell you about her dog poop dilemma, but probably won't share her deepest issues. (If she does on that forum, then her boundaries are bad, or she needs attention and a good therapist.)

Hopefully, the next time you cruise the Facebook site you'll take it all with a grain of salt, and stay with the goodness you experience in your own life.

* If you'd like some one-on-one help with envy of any kind, I have other strategies which may be useful to you. Feel free to contact me at my Portsmouth office at 603-431-7131 for a live or remote session.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

www.SusanLager.com

End of Summer 2013

Unbelievably, we've already arrived at the last week before Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer. Here in New Hampshire, parents are sending their kids off to school this week! Mercifully, in Maine, where I live, nobody goes back to school until after Labor Day, but even then, everyone groans about letting go of the long, langorous days of summer. (Except parents who are sick of their kids).

I've had a terrific summer with boating, hiking (light), swimming in the ocean and lakes, barbecues, reading, friends, family, and some wonderful long weekends away at lovely new places. I've also taken somewhat of a break from the internet to be outside more, doing active things. So, I can't complain about it all coming to an end soon, as we in New England enter the Arctic Freeze Winter for the next seven or so months.

If you're feeling blue about the transition, I'd encourage you to think of it this way: Would summer be as special to you if it were all year round? If you think "Yes!" then you should move to Florida or the Carribbean! If you thought "No way!" then savor what you've experienced this past summer. If you didn't experience much, then begin making a list of the things you will commit to doing next summer, so you don't continue the "regret cycle." (You might also need some new friends who get you out more).

Another thing you can do is to anticipate all the delightful things about the Fall and Winter. Look forward to more "tuck in" time with more opportunities for indoor activities and more reflection. Won't it be nice to not feel pressure to be outside so much doing fabulous things? If you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (depression related to lower levels of light), do the therapeutic "light therapy." Anticipate the beauty of the changed color palette outdoors with all the invigorating things you can do outside if you're dressed properly. Look forward to Fall and Winter rituals and holidays. And of course, you can also look forward to next summer. It will be here before you know it....

Changing The Routine

If you are a regular reader of mine, you may have noticed that I've been lax in the blogging department for most of the summer.
I've given myself permission to get out of my chair, off the internet, and to have a different kind of fun! I love talking to you all, I love writing and sharing things, but I get sick of the internet in the summer! I happen to live on the southern coast of Maine, which is filled with fantastic places to go, and interesting things to do, so I feel compelled to change up my routine, get outside more, be more social and PLAY!

Changing your routine from time to time can be an invigorating experience. The sense of novelty ramps up good chemicals in your brain, especially if you're doing some new or different things with a friend or partner.
The change can expose you to new activities or people you may really enjoy.
You're likely to learn stuff as you expand and switch up your repertoire.
Then, the ironic result may be that when you resume your usual routine, you approach it with fresh eyes and ears, and are likely to be more appreciative of your life as it was!

Don't Miss My Next Blogtalk Radio Episode: 6 Cures For A Really Bad Mood 7/31/13 8:30 PM EDT

We all suffer a bad mood from time to time. It's never fun, but can be a more lasting, contagious experience, or a briefer, more benign annoyance, depending on how you manage it.
Tune into my next BlogTalk Radio show Wednesday, July 31st at 8:30 PM EDT for a half hour discussion about tools to contain and transform a bad mood.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in, or to join me on the air with questions, comments or ideas of your own. Hope you can be there!

Susan Lager

Summer Brain

Every summer I encounter a similar thing: friends, family, colleagues and clients running around, off their usual structured schedules, forgetting appointments, late for dates, and all out of whack.
I call it Summer Brain because maybe the heat and humidity, (and now the torrential rain), seeps into everyone's head and acts like a blender, mixing everything up. People who are usually so precise and committed to dates, times, goals and schedules now all seem to have A.D.D. !

As a therapist, I've learned not to take it too personally, knowing it's seasonal, and in the Northeast it's probably related to the frenetic pace around capitalizing on the measly duration of warm weather.
I make use of the found time when clients forget their appointments by filing, returning calls, organizing my desk, and wondering why I haven't caught the Summer Brain bug? Unfortunately, when I charge clients for these missed appointments they often get annoyed, probably wondering what's wrong with my brain.

But hey, it's summer! We could all instead be shoveling two feet of snow off our roofs, then shivering in our freezing cars, negotiating black ice, and praying for summer!

Life is a trip.....

Unplugged - The Joys and The Freedom!

If you're a regular reader here, maybe you've noticed my absence for the last several weeks. It's been the dog days of summer here in New England, raining nonstop, then boiling hot, then more rain. In spite of the weird weather, we in the Northeast treasure our summers ferociously, trying to capitalize on the three months of the year when snow and blizzards are unlikely. So, I too have been haunting the beaches, the lakes and the mountains, rain or shine. But, most notably, I've been almost completely unplugged from my devices (except for my professional voicemail), and LOVING IT!!!
For weeks now, no blogging, no radio shows, no YouTube videos, hardly a tweet, no clever Facebook entries, no LinkedIn updates, no book drafts, no cellphone calls, nothing!!

Instead of daily "tech dialysis" I've gone tooling around without the world being able to contact me, and the only one who even seems to notice is my husband who thinks it's inconsiderate. (We're working on a compromise).
I've gone to lunches and dinners with people I enjoy having conversations with, instead of whining to tech support.
I've gotten off my laptop and rekindled connections with colleagues and old friends. (They're still alive!)
I've actually been reading books and magazines just for fun! Freedom from emails and Google!
I've been preparing for my boating license test, learning all about "starboard stand-on" versus "port give-way," halyards, double clove knots, and such vital things I'll need to know on the waterways when I'm supposedly "manning the vessel."
I've gone on hikes, bike rides, and car rides in the countryside instead of doing professional gigs.
I've nurtured my garden, watered the lawn, planted new beds, and fought Japanese beetles instead of
battling scam sites and internet viruses.
I've visited other cities, just for fun trips to see the sites. (Cheated a bit with some book promo).
I've watched movies, plays and silly TV shows without any "productive justification."
And miraculously, without all the internet busyness, I've gone to sleep most nights at a normal hour, not on my usual vampire schedule!
I'm telling you, getting unplugged can be a total joy! How novel - life without devices! Try it!

Big Summer Cheers,
Susan Lager

Dreading Another Birthday? Here's An Antidote....

I recently turned a big number. WAY too big for comfort. I had been feeling a bit blue about my upcoming birthday, thinking about how lousy aging can be - worsening vision, hanging flesh, age spots, the need for Shingles shots, people you know dying, more aches and pains, and worst of all, time running out!

Even so, I greatly enjoyed our family's four day celebration marking the event in Philly. After the weekend, I spent the actual day of my birthday off from work with the plan of doing intense "self nurture," something I'm always yapping to my clients about needing to do for themselves. I felt a bit blue, however,  thinking about how fast life had gone by, so I went for a speed walk by the river nearby, feeling a bit lighter immediately. I immersed myself in gardening, cleaning out the beds and planting beautiful new perennials. Felt even better at that point. But the thing that really changed the day into something lovely was a simple thought. As a Baby Boomer, I realized what an amazing group of fearless, feisty, groundbreakers my generation was. We were the ones who initiated the women's movement, reinvented music, fought for racial equality and sexual freedom, peace, love, and FUN, FUN, FUN!
I was a member of the club that transformed the world, and was now entering their last chapter of life. To celebrate, I brought out my stack of 60's Rock CD's, pumped up the volume (poor Dave next door!), and danced for hours, joyous to be at this place in my life, forever young.

So, if you're dreading another birthday yourself, connect with all the amazing people in your own generation, celebrate your contributions, and enjoy the rest of the ride!

Cheers,
Susan Lager