For Couples On The Brink: Discernment Counseling As A Unique Resource

In my work as a psychotherapist, I'd say that about 25% of the people who come to me are on the fence about continuing their marriages or "committed relationships." Generally, spouses have been together long enough for the rose-colored glasses to have come off, and have lost hope for a happy marriage. "Trying" seems to be inauthentic, as partners recite the long list of violations and disillusionments, and the longer list of futile attempts at repair. It's not uncommon for one or both spouses to be having, or have had an affair. It's also not uncommon for one or both partners to have consulted an attorney, readying for a split. They are "hovering by the escape hatches," yet they often describe having problems they'd somehow like to fix. The sense of anguish in the room is palpable.

As a couple therapist, I have spent most of my career fighting to save marriages, and often I'm the last one standing! As marriage counselors we've been trained to pull up the hope in the partnership, and teach people how to get along better: strategies for better boundaries, communication, managing conflict, spending quality time together, figuring out how to collaborate, etc. But sometimes one spouse wants to try, and the other doesn't, and that's when traditional methods can fail. Getting "busy" working on trying to fix a marriage on the brink can be misguided. First, couples need to have the psychological space to decide if they both want to try to reconcile. Any treatment which provides "tools" prematurely is missing the point.

Enter "Discernment Counseling," a 1 - 5 session process of exploring what would need to be different for the "leaning out" spouse to have the energy to "try," and how the "leaning in" spouse can maintain a stance which brings their best self to the process, not one which humiliates or degrades them.

I'm very excited about this work, and have been added to the National Directory of Discernment Counselors after having completed The Minnesota Couples On The Brink Project training. (As far as I know, I am now the only Discernment Counselor in New Hampshire).

I will be doing a half hour BlogTalk Radio show introducing this process on Wednesday, March 12, 2014 at 8 PM EST. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments. I'd love to make it a conversation! If you can't make the live show, you can hear the recording afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Couples Therapy in Portsmouth, NH: Dealing With Disconnection In Marriage

If there's one central problem I deal with most frequently in my work doing couples therapy, I'd say it's disconnection in marriage. It can happen through over- involvement with children, work, hobbies, family or hyper focus on self. It's a defensive posture, masking some internal fears. Left unexplored, it can ruin a marriage.

Often, the stage is set early in life as spouses adopt certain attachment stances in relation to early nurturing or lack of it. *(See my "resources" page at www.SusanLager.com and take the Adult Attachment Style Survey to find out about your own leanings toward healthy connection or disconnection - you may be surprised!)

Significant research findings indicate that spouses who spend more time together are generally much happier in their marriages than those who don't.

If you've lost touch with your spouse, it's time to register for a couples' retreat, to revisit or re-learn the behaviors which helped you to bond when you were courting, and to become more conscious of the defensive behaviors the two of you have adopted over the years.

Meredith Richardson, a talented mediator, collaborative lawyer, and conflict coach and I will be presenting a couples' retreat May 16-18 at the Victoria Inn in Hampton, NH.  It's a charming bed and breakfast on the seacoast which we plan to have all for ourselves for the weekend, so there will be ample privacy as well as space to do this important work.

You could also join us for a Couples Retreat on beautiful Star Island, off the coast of Maine and NH, from June 21-25. It's another ideal setting for reflection and learning.

For more information, or to register, contact me at: 603-431-7131

or call Meredith at: 207-439-4267.

Space is limited, so don't wait too long - your marriage calls!

BlogTalk Radio Show 2/26/14 8 PM EST: "Marriage And Money: A Love Story?"

As we all get ready to pay our taxes, this is a particularly relevant show now!

In this 40 minute episode, I will  co-host with Meredith Richardson, a talented and feisty lawyer, mediator, and conflict coach. Together we'll focus on the central issues and some common pattterns couples play out related to finances during their marriages, or in their divorces.

* Learn about some key patterns which are often indicators of marital strength and collaboration, or not.

* Find out about 4 new behaviors which can help you and your spouse to do better in this area.

* Learn about some critical legal issues you need to know about filing taxes jointly.

To listen in, or to join us live on the air with questions or comments, 
call toll-free 877-497-9046. 

If you can't make the live show, catch the recording at:
The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

Whatever you do, don't miss this episode!

Valentine's Day Is Over! Now Build Lasting Love

How's this for a unique couples retreat?

Hopefully, those of you in committed relationships,
I hope you had a lovely Valentine's Day, filled with 
sweets and loving exchanges with your special someone.

But now that the one day marking affection and love has gone by, it's time to really dig in and explore all the daily ways you and your partner  show and tell love to each other. 
This inevitably involves developing effective ways to manage conflict, when the 
rose-colored glasses come off, as you become a more seasoned couple.

Join the dynamic mediator, Meredith Richardson and me for a special Couples Retreat
at the lovely Victoria Inn for an experiential weekend designed to build better connection, 
communication and reduced conflict.

We'll have this cozy inn all to ourselves for this special event, Friday, May 16th through
Sunday morning, May 18th, 2014.

For more information about registering:

Call Meredith Richardson 207-439-4267

or email: MeredithMediates@aol.com

2/5/14 8 PM EST BlogTalk Radio Episode: "Move On Without an Apology"

If you've ever been emotionally hurt by someone who didn't do anything significant to earn your forgiveness, then this show is for you. When there has been no expressed remorse or apology you don't have to be enslaved by bitterness. Nor do you need to bestow "cheap forgiveness" upon that person, letting them off the hook, and dishonoring yourself!

Tune into this half hour episode to learn about how to move on and heal without the benefit of a genuine apology. I'll talk about a proven tool you can use for a healing journey.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to listen in, or to join me live on the air with questions or comments. I'd love for you to be there and have a conversation. 

Wednesday, February 5th 8 PM EST.

If you can't make the live show, go to The Couplespeak Relationship Forum to catch the recording whenever it's convenient for you.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Your Life Verb

If you think about it, there's probably a central defining action which punctuates your life. In my case, it's "striving" - to develop more competency professionally, to achieve more balance, to play guitar better, to be a more compassionate person, to lose weight, etc. Definitely "striving."

I have a close friend whose verb seems to be "coping" - with her husband's stonewalling, her family problems, her depression. She's always in "coping" mode, but doesn't seem to move on to solving the problems. My "striving" mode has impatience at times with her "coping" status quo. She feels my "striving" mode makes me too hard on myself.

One of my sisters admits to chronically being in "surviving" mode - trying to stay afloat financially, professionally and emotionally. She feels that my "striving" mode at times takes me out of appreciation for all the blessings in my life, and she's probably right. I don't get why she doesn't seem to do more to fulfill her dreams.

So, your verb can tell you a lot about how you're doing your life, and perhaps shed some light on where you may be blind sighted, and limiting your experiences of joy and fulfillment.

What is your life verb?

Feel free to contact me to schedule a remote session to explore the current defining theme of your life, and what might need to happen to shift your verb to a more empowering one. I've identified a list of verbs you might not have considered on your own. You can reach me via my voicemail at 603-431-7131 or through the "Schedule an appointment" button on the right side of my website home page at www.SusanLager.com