Ashley Madison Hack: Divorce Is Not An Inevitable Outcome!

If you or your spouse has been exposed as using the Ashley Madison site to seek an affair, stop and take a deep breath! (Apparently thousands of people have already flocked to lawyers to pull the trigger on impulsively decided divorces).  Driven by the hurt and humiliation of public exposure and profound betrayal, as a discovering spouse you are understandably experiencing the first waves of trauma that this news usually brings. Vengeance and assuaging the broken trust through divorce may seem like the only solution to you at this point.

As the unfaithful spouse you are probably traumatized in different ways: what may have seemed like a discreet, compartmentalized adventure without victims now feels real in its damaging consequences. You are now either bathed in shame and fear, or furious that you can no longer "have your cake and eat it too." However justified you may feel for your infidelity you know that your world is about to become unravelled. You are about to take the hit for everything wrong with the marriage, and cannot imagine ever being forgiven. If you stay married you imagine a lifetime in the "doghouse."                                                                                                                      
Whichever end you're on, the impulse on both sides is often to give up and get a divorce, convinced that healing and reconciliation would be impossible.

As a couples therapist who, for many years has worked with thousands of couples reeling from infidelity, I have a few strong pieces of advice:

• Slow down!
• Take some deep breaths!
• Don't make any rash decisions now!
• Don't impulsively file for divorce!

Here are some things you may NOT be aware of:

• Many marriages can not only be saved, but strengthened after the trauma of infidelity. It requires a lot of determination, hard work, vision, and a good couples therapist the spouses both trust.
• Many couples who impulsively divorce deeply regret that decision later on.
• Children are often the biggest victims, especially in a contentious divorce.
• If you don't know what direction to take regarding your damaged marriage there is an alternative to couples therapy called Discernment Counseling. This is a brief treatment designed for couples where one spouse is leaning toward a divorce and the other wants to stay married. It is not geared toward tools and skills for repair, but instead focuses on helping partners make a decision about a direction for the marriage. Only trained Discernment Counselors can provide this service.
• There are terrific books and support groups for couples wrestling with infidelity.
• If you do decide to get a divorce you can have a healing, constructive process through Collaborative Law. Divorce doesn't have to be an impoverishing dog fight.
• There may be hope. There is help.

Anyone in the greater Boston area wanting more information, feel free to contact me at my office at The Couples Center in Portsmouth, NH: 603-431-7131.

"Six Practical Pointers For Being Decisive When it Counts"

The chocolate chip waffle cone or the coffee sundae? An action movie or a heavy Indie film tonight? Swimming at the beach later, or kayaking on a lake? (Here are some examples of the small stuff many of us sweat, as though world peace depended on it).

Stay in the cushy job with the nasty boss or find a position elsewhere involving less perks but more appreciation and respect? Go to a state school or a private college? Forgive your old friend their insensitive behavior or let them go and find others who feel more conscious? Stay in the tired old marriage, work on repairing it, or move on to greener pastures?

They're all examples of the kinds of things many of us agonize over, stuck in indecision. The first group, however, are the kinds of decisions nobody would get killed over - so what if you get the chocolate chip cone and forego the coffee sundae? Whether you go to the beach or the lake, if your desire is to be on, around, or in water, you're good to go, either way! But when indecision becomes a kind of "condition" those different kinds of choices all feel like a plague, creating a kind of frozen "limbo land."

If you see yourself in this picture, don't fret! I've just had another article published in PsychCentral.com about this very topic, with tips and tools for how to develop your "decision muscles." And yes, the good news is that its not necessarily a trait you came with at birth - its a skill you can develop with some practice and consciousness. To find the article, "6 Practical Pointers For Being Decisive When it Counts" go to: http://bit.ly/1E0gEqn  and stop obsessing!

(Or, if you can't make up your mind, you could go to my "Media / Press" page to find the link, along with the links to all the other articles I've written, or for which I've been a contributing writer).

8/5/15 BlogTalk Radio Episode 8:30 PM EST: "The Complications of Coupling: One Man's Views"

Don't miss this 45 minute episode! I'll be interviewing Dr. Charles Rawlings, outspoken author of "It Really Is That Complicated - The Myths That Exist About Male-Female Relationships." We'll explore some of his controversial stances about women, and how, in his opinion relationships center around control, manipulation and bartering.

Call 877-497-9046 to join in the conversation with questions or comments, or to just listen, tune in any time at www.BlogTalkRadio.com

Back From the Wedding!

Well, it's been more than a month since I checked in here, and it's not because I've lost my interest in you, gentle reader! No, I've been preparing for and going through one of the most intense milestones a parent can experience - the wedding of our son, Alec to Erin, the woman he loves (and we love) intensely. What an experience!

If you don't have children or haven't yet "married one off," it's hard to imagine the buildup of momentum to the "big day." The outfits, the company, getting the house ready for a week of festivities before and after, the food preparation, the rehearsal dinner, the groomsmen getting dressed and being photographed beforehand, the ceremony, the reception, the pictures, the reviewing of all the events, and then a son who has chosen his mate for life and has gone off to an exotic honeymoon in Madeira. And now, the sweet memories of all those events and the reality of an officially "empty nest"!

This is one of the major milestones in life, not only for a "child," but certainly for the parents on both sides. It forces you to reflect on your years as a parent, how well you did, individually and together as a couple. It also gives you an opportunity to think about how having this child changed your lives. In our case, I tell people that our life went from color to technicolor, and that having a child can be the most joyful, enriching experience ever! (Plenty of stress, and not cheap, but very joyful)....

This milestone also forces you to accept the "letting go," recognizing that your child has chosen a mate, and will be creating a new family of their own. It's bittersweet. You can't have any illusions about having much control of your child's choices and destiny. For me, that one is a challenge, as I like to think I'm the leader.

And finally, this transition shifts your focus onto the next chapter of your life as a couple. What are your goals and your dreams? What have you been detoured from because of the all-inclusive task of parenting? What now?

So here I am, back to my regular, everyday life, full of wonderful memories and big dreams...

Learn to live "Life Your Way" with Dr. Amy Wood on 6/3/15 BTR 8:30 PM

Don't miss this next 45 minute show with prize winning author Dr. Amy Wood! Get some great ideas about how to get off the treadmill of an automatic, "shoulds" life, and move more confidently by instinct, lessening the noise and chatter around you, into a happier, more authentic life.

Go to www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager at 8:30 PM EST 6/3/15 and listen in live streaming, or call 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments.

Wednesday, June 3rd 8:30 PM EST BlogTalk Radio episode: "Life Your Way" - A Talk With Author Amy Wood"

Don't miss my next 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode, "Life Your Way" - A Talk with Author Amy Wood." We'll discuss this prize-winning, vital book which provides a compelling approach on how to manage the constant "Go! Do! Be Better!" stresses of 21st century American life.

Get some really useful insights on how you can use your instincts and intuition to find balance and confidence, and how to move more intentionally toward a happier, more fulfilling life.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join us on the air with questions or comments, or to just listen and benefit from the conversation about such an important topic.

Can't make the live show? Catch the recording afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/Susanlager

Give Yourself a Break!

It's been awhile since I've checked in here because I've been practicing what I preach: giving myself a break. And, you know what? Nobody got killed! I took time to do some light gardening, some socializing with family and friends, some cooking and baking, some Spring organizing, some reading, and some mindless fun. It was totally delightful. For a few weeks no major trainings, no BlogTalk Radio shows, no bookkeeping, no internet work, no professional reading, no raking and mulching, and no blog writing. It was a daily practice of exorcizing my "shoulds," and I would strongly recommend it to all of you as part of your mental health workout.

People today talk constantly about being too busy, but often don't challenge the underlying assumptions and automatic or duty-driven behaviors which fuel the compulsive whirlwind of activity. Companies expect employees to be available without limitations, so it exacerbates the perception and experience of busyness as "loyal," "responsible" and "valued."

I would invite you however, to step off the emotional treadmill every so often to stop and smell the roses. Be silly, non-"productive," self indulgent, time "wasting," and in the moment. Relax, and see what happens.....