Well Hello Again, Reader!
I realize I've been incognito for awhile this summer. Guess why? I work in New Hampshire, and live in Maine, on both coasts where we have alot of ocean, beaches, and now, of all things, SHARKS!!!! People who live in this area generally feel frantic to enjoy the measly amount of warm weather for maybe two months, so must of us play alot of hooky and head for the water. But this year, we have company in the form of 12 foot Blue Sharks, and Great Whites swimming along with us! And I cannot bring myself to stay on the sand now that my close friend Kathy has turned me into what a Great White would consider a "seal lookalike" by getting me hooked on wet-suit swimming. While all the other (smart) folks squeamishly dip their ankles in the frigid water and run back onto the sand, there we are bobbing about in our suits for hours, cool and happy as clams, self righteous, oblivious sharkbait, surfers without the boards.....
Ain't life grand?
Swimmingly,
Susan Lager
P.S. When (and If) I get out of the water, I'll get back to you with lots more about couples on my soon to be born,
( but now pesky) website HowToBeABetterCouple.com
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
At Home Vacations
Hi Reader,
It's mid summer, hotter than Hell, and the perfect time for enjoying your hometown if you can't get away. Here are ten tips for the perfect at-home vacation I'll share with you:
1. Treat your home as a hotel for the "vacation" time.
2. Avoid all the usual dull, dreary, daily chores. Commit to not doing any dishes, laundry, or bills for now. If you don't love cooking, get take-out or eat in restaurants.
3. Get unplugged. Stay away from email and phone messages. If you don't want everyone to think you've been abducted by aliens, leave a friendly message on your machine saying you're "vacating".
4. Do some research with your Significant Other about events and resources in your area.
5. Divide the time up, and take turns treating eachother to special days playing "tourists", each taking initiative on your day for all the plans and logistics.
6. Commit to going to some new places you haven't been before, or new activities to you both.
7. If your self-care routines usually feel like drudgery, relax. Have an extra glass of wine or miss a workout. It won't kill you.
8. Connect with some friends in a new way. Remember, now you have the time.
9. Sleep late if you want. Relax all your rules.
10. Talk about things close to your heart. Avoid hot-button issues.
Before you know it, you'll be on "island time" having a wonderful vacation without the worry about your plane getting hijacked, your passport getting stolen, or your wallet getting depleted. Enjoy!
Happy trails,
Susan Lager
It's mid summer, hotter than Hell, and the perfect time for enjoying your hometown if you can't get away. Here are ten tips for the perfect at-home vacation I'll share with you:
1. Treat your home as a hotel for the "vacation" time.
2. Avoid all the usual dull, dreary, daily chores. Commit to not doing any dishes, laundry, or bills for now. If you don't love cooking, get take-out or eat in restaurants.
3. Get unplugged. Stay away from email and phone messages. If you don't want everyone to think you've been abducted by aliens, leave a friendly message on your machine saying you're "vacating".
4. Do some research with your Significant Other about events and resources in your area.
5. Divide the time up, and take turns treating eachother to special days playing "tourists", each taking initiative on your day for all the plans and logistics.
6. Commit to going to some new places you haven't been before, or new activities to you both.
7. If your self-care routines usually feel like drudgery, relax. Have an extra glass of wine or miss a workout. It won't kill you.
8. Connect with some friends in a new way. Remember, now you have the time.
9. Sleep late if you want. Relax all your rules.
10. Talk about things close to your heart. Avoid hot-button issues.
Before you know it, you'll be on "island time" having a wonderful vacation without the worry about your plane getting hijacked, your passport getting stolen, or your wallet getting depleted. Enjoy!
Happy trails,
Susan Lager
Monday, July 12, 2010
Telephone Problems In An Impersonal World
Hi Reader,
Have you ever started a perfectly fine day with a "benign" call about a billing error or something needing immediate attention, only to discover you're lost in the impersonal world of automatic answerers, and malfunctioning redirects? This was how my beautiful Monday started after a lovely weekend.
I spent half an hour trying to get to the right person at my bank regarding an online billing error, and was directed to no less than eight people, all of whom were very chirpy and courteous, but unhelpful. I then was caught up in the automated system of another online account, and never did get to a human. I decided to give it a rest, and waited to get to my office to complete my calls, figuring my frustration tolerance would improve with the beautiful view. No such luck. It wasn't until my final call to an internet service, that I reached a person on the first try! He was informative, patient, and human. What a relief! When this happens, I remind myself to be in that category, return calls on time, make a connect, and not be another piece of automation in an impersonal world. I then make a point of smiling at toll-takers, thanking people for holding doors open, and avoid anything at all like road rage. Especially if you're lonely, this is like a tonic, and you're part of the solution in what can feel like a cold, impersonal place.
Cheers,
Susan Lager
Have you ever started a perfectly fine day with a "benign" call about a billing error or something needing immediate attention, only to discover you're lost in the impersonal world of automatic answerers, and malfunctioning redirects? This was how my beautiful Monday started after a lovely weekend.
I spent half an hour trying to get to the right person at my bank regarding an online billing error, and was directed to no less than eight people, all of whom were very chirpy and courteous, but unhelpful. I then was caught up in the automated system of another online account, and never did get to a human. I decided to give it a rest, and waited to get to my office to complete my calls, figuring my frustration tolerance would improve with the beautiful view. No such luck. It wasn't until my final call to an internet service, that I reached a person on the first try! He was informative, patient, and human. What a relief! When this happens, I remind myself to be in that category, return calls on time, make a connect, and not be another piece of automation in an impersonal world. I then make a point of smiling at toll-takers, thanking people for holding doors open, and avoid anything at all like road rage. Especially if you're lonely, this is like a tonic, and you're part of the solution in what can feel like a cold, impersonal place.
Cheers,
Susan Lager
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Setting Boundaries With Family
Hello Reader,
I hope you had a restful and fun July 4th weekend, and if you spent time with your family, you enjoyed them! This isn't usually about having perfect relationships, it's more often about setting boundaries which insure that your personal space or couple's space is honored. This can be as simple as making it clear what arrival and departure times work best, or what to bring to an occasion. It could be as sensitive as giving cues about what subjects are off limits, or what would feel indiscreet. If you are refraining from drinking, setting good boundaries would involve first being clear with yourself about why, and what your action plan is, then if offered drinks, graciously making a "no, thank you" clear to your family. Setting boundaries in relationships protects you and your loved ones from undue hurt, humiliation and anger. And if family members don't honor your boundaries, you might consider whether your requirements are too rigid or harsh, or if you may need to consider another "venue" for contact which may more readily provide more protective structure. And don't fret-- it takes practice to learn how to do it with finesse, so chances are, if this July 4th was a wipeout, next one will more likely be better.
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. Check out my published articles about relationship issues at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Also, look for my soon-to-be-launched website full of couple's resources at:
http://www.howtobeabettercouple.com
I hope you had a restful and fun July 4th weekend, and if you spent time with your family, you enjoyed them! This isn't usually about having perfect relationships, it's more often about setting boundaries which insure that your personal space or couple's space is honored. This can be as simple as making it clear what arrival and departure times work best, or what to bring to an occasion. It could be as sensitive as giving cues about what subjects are off limits, or what would feel indiscreet. If you are refraining from drinking, setting good boundaries would involve first being clear with yourself about why, and what your action plan is, then if offered drinks, graciously making a "no, thank you" clear to your family. Setting boundaries in relationships protects you and your loved ones from undue hurt, humiliation and anger. And if family members don't honor your boundaries, you might consider whether your requirements are too rigid or harsh, or if you may need to consider another "venue" for contact which may more readily provide more protective structure. And don't fret-- it takes practice to learn how to do it with finesse, so chances are, if this July 4th was a wipeout, next one will more likely be better.
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. Check out my published articles about relationship issues at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Also, look for my soon-to-be-launched website full of couple's resources at:
http://www.howtobeabettercouple.com
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Quality Time For Couples
Hello Reader,
What do Hullavators, J-Bars, Slide and Set Saddles, new bathing suits, trailer balls, hitches, Thermos coolers, Porta-Potties, ice cream cones, picnic lunches, juicy novels, and sunsets have in common?
You guessed it! Summertime fun in the sun on a favorite lake, with not only kayaks, but now with our little cruising motorboat! This is the sequel to "Father's Day Celebration With Determination": what started as a gift to the Husband and Father of quality family time for the day, now unfolds into carving out regular quality time as a couple -- no cellphones, no laptops, no "homework", no dishes, no bills, no laundry, no distractions from the shear pleasure of precious time together. It never comes easily or automatically, it requires planning, creativity, collaboration, commitment, and a capacity for joy. If you value it in your relationship, the returns will be immense. (Keep in mind that if you create experiences which involve some novelty, something out of your ordinary routine, you will be ramping up supplies of dopamine and norepinephrine, the "pleasure" chemicals in your brain associated with romantic love!) So your house will be a bit messier, and your voicemail will be full, but no one will get killed if you create wonderful memories together. It's the "glue" in intimate partnerships, and most of us preserve too little time for quality time together. So start dreaming and together planning some experiences this summer, away from the stressors and routines of your everyday life. Think of all the money you'll save on marriage counseling down the road!
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. Look for my latest published articles about couple's issues at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
What do Hullavators, J-Bars, Slide and Set Saddles, new bathing suits, trailer balls, hitches, Thermos coolers, Porta-Potties, ice cream cones, picnic lunches, juicy novels, and sunsets have in common?
You guessed it! Summertime fun in the sun on a favorite lake, with not only kayaks, but now with our little cruising motorboat! This is the sequel to "Father's Day Celebration With Determination": what started as a gift to the Husband and Father of quality family time for the day, now unfolds into carving out regular quality time as a couple -- no cellphones, no laptops, no "homework", no dishes, no bills, no laundry, no distractions from the shear pleasure of precious time together. It never comes easily or automatically, it requires planning, creativity, collaboration, commitment, and a capacity for joy. If you value it in your relationship, the returns will be immense. (Keep in mind that if you create experiences which involve some novelty, something out of your ordinary routine, you will be ramping up supplies of dopamine and norepinephrine, the "pleasure" chemicals in your brain associated with romantic love!) So your house will be a bit messier, and your voicemail will be full, but no one will get killed if you create wonderful memories together. It's the "glue" in intimate partnerships, and most of us preserve too little time for quality time together. So start dreaming and together planning some experiences this summer, away from the stressors and routines of your everyday life. Think of all the money you'll save on marriage counseling down the road!
Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S. Look for my latest published articles about couple's issues at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The Power of Forgiveness In Marriage
Hello Reader,
I witnessed the most amazing transformation in a young couple's marriage this week. I saw this couple for about two years after the discovery of the wife's affair with a coworker. The wife was psychologically out of the marriage, and immersed in shame. The husband was traumatized and obcessed with the betrayal, often in a rage. Through shear force of will we all hung in there working through the crisis, with the prospect of forgiveness almost unimaginable at times. But this week they returned for a checkup session after a few months off, with their new baby daughter, proud and beaming, peaceful and filled with joy, which we all knew was no miracle. They had worked diligently to face the crisis, understand it and their roles in it, and to do the daily work of healing and growth. The wife had to forgive herself for the transgression, the husband had to forgive her for the betrayal, and they each had to commit to changing the culture of their relationship so it wouldn't be so vulnerable again. They had to confront their own humanity in their capacity to hurt eachother, but also to forgive and deepen intimacy. They reminded me that genuine forgiveness usually happens when couples make it a relentless, daily practice, like athletes training for the olympics. It's not a lazy, haphazard process, it's grueling and exhausting, but the ultimate "gold medal" is the sweetest ever....
Goodnight,
Susan Lager
P.S. Stay tuned for more about the issue of forgiveness and letting go, in articles, teleseminars, and Ebooks you'll find on my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com in July!
I witnessed the most amazing transformation in a young couple's marriage this week. I saw this couple for about two years after the discovery of the wife's affair with a coworker. The wife was psychologically out of the marriage, and immersed in shame. The husband was traumatized and obcessed with the betrayal, often in a rage. Through shear force of will we all hung in there working through the crisis, with the prospect of forgiveness almost unimaginable at times. But this week they returned for a checkup session after a few months off, with their new baby daughter, proud and beaming, peaceful and filled with joy, which we all knew was no miracle. They had worked diligently to face the crisis, understand it and their roles in it, and to do the daily work of healing and growth. The wife had to forgive herself for the transgression, the husband had to forgive her for the betrayal, and they each had to commit to changing the culture of their relationship so it wouldn't be so vulnerable again. They had to confront their own humanity in their capacity to hurt eachother, but also to forgive and deepen intimacy. They reminded me that genuine forgiveness usually happens when couples make it a relentless, daily practice, like athletes training for the olympics. It's not a lazy, haphazard process, it's grueling and exhausting, but the ultimate "gold medal" is the sweetest ever....
Goodnight,
Susan Lager
P.S. Stay tuned for more about the issue of forgiveness and letting go, in articles, teleseminars, and Ebooks you'll find on my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com in July!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Celebrating Father's Day With Determination
Happy Father's Day, Reader,
It may be a Hallmark invention, but honoring Dad's is really a great idea if you have the energy. My husband Thom, is an awesome father, and certainly deserved to be treated like a king today. So my son Alec and I conspired to do "acts of service" (slave labor), to celebrate. First, we did all the research, then bought and assembled a new Thule kayak rack for my new car so next Sunday when we have the time together, we'll be all ready for our first day of the season on our favorite lake. That's where my husband, the father in question, goes into trance mode floating around looking for lures, old boots, and whatnot underwater. It's like being on happy drugs without the drugs. Then I cooked up a gourmet breakfast we enjoyed on the deck, looking out over our land minus his four eyesore blueberry bushes I transplanted to my husband's front vegetable garden-- (no feat for the faint of heart, the first hole was filled with boulders, not rocks, boulders. The second hole was crisscrossed with giant roots which had to be extricated with an axe.) I thought I was going to have a heart attack, so the last two bushes I repotted into giant deck pots, hauling enormous bags of dirt, wondering about this Father's Day stuff. Oh, I forgot, last night I packed a picnic dinner for the beach where we froze to death amidst the Maine monsoon, but he loved the romantic thought .... Then tonight I whipped up an elaborate Indian dinner fit for a Maharaji, while Alec invented new cocktails using about $30. worth of fruit, but it too was a romantic thought.... Tonight we all collapsed after Alec and I, the two slaves, escaped briefly before the King came home, to cool off with a swim in our local pond. The Father was truly honored. The slaves are happy and ready to escape....
Hope you too honored the Dad in your life, and have Advil on hand,
Susan Lager
P.S. Have a look at my published articles about couple's issues at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
It may be a Hallmark invention, but honoring Dad's is really a great idea if you have the energy. My husband Thom, is an awesome father, and certainly deserved to be treated like a king today. So my son Alec and I conspired to do "acts of service" (slave labor), to celebrate. First, we did all the research, then bought and assembled a new Thule kayak rack for my new car so next Sunday when we have the time together, we'll be all ready for our first day of the season on our favorite lake. That's where my husband, the father in question, goes into trance mode floating around looking for lures, old boots, and whatnot underwater. It's like being on happy drugs without the drugs. Then I cooked up a gourmet breakfast we enjoyed on the deck, looking out over our land minus his four eyesore blueberry bushes I transplanted to my husband's front vegetable garden-- (no feat for the faint of heart, the first hole was filled with boulders, not rocks, boulders. The second hole was crisscrossed with giant roots which had to be extricated with an axe.) I thought I was going to have a heart attack, so the last two bushes I repotted into giant deck pots, hauling enormous bags of dirt, wondering about this Father's Day stuff. Oh, I forgot, last night I packed a picnic dinner for the beach where we froze to death amidst the Maine monsoon, but he loved the romantic thought .... Then tonight I whipped up an elaborate Indian dinner fit for a Maharaji, while Alec invented new cocktails using about $30. worth of fruit, but it too was a romantic thought.... Tonight we all collapsed after Alec and I, the two slaves, escaped briefly before the King came home, to cool off with a swim in our local pond. The Father was truly honored. The slaves are happy and ready to escape....
Hope you too honored the Dad in your life, and have Advil on hand,
Susan Lager
P.S. Have a look at my published articles about couple's issues at:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
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