Royal Wedding Plans....... Fairy Tale Marriage?

Hello Reader,

     Well, the big countdown has begun. Every news station and newspaper is buzzing with excitement about Prince William and Kate Middleton's royal wedding later this week. TV programs like, "The Royal Wedding - The Women Who Would Be Queen", and behind the scenes "Cooking For The Royals", have dominated the networks.. There are surveys polling people about their interest, and likelihood of getting up at 4AM on Friday to watch the actual event. (?????!!!!!!!)
What I'm most interested in is what the MARRIAGE will ultimately look like! Are they prepared for constant boundary violations by the paparazzi and the press? Have they had enough practice managing their differences respectfully, like a royal mixing with a "commoner"? Are they prepared to define for themselves, in the face of all the boring, but expected royal duties, how their time together and apart will be spent? And how about being equipped, when it's important enough, to challenge Her Highness The Queen, who is already miffed about William's wedding plans? (Let them eat cake?)
Not to mention the ghost of Diana and Charles' grimly failed marriage, with Camilla always in the wings, and Diana's tragic, untimely death, born of loneliness and rejection.
Then there's William's role as child confidante to his mother -- loving, but not the best model for future parenting. And Kate's happy, upwardly mobile family, so foreign to William. And most recently, the prospect of irate royal guards, like the narcissistically injured jabberjaws who went public on Facebook, and complained himself out of a job.
Oh, the list goes on and on. The therapist in me feels really wary, but the romantic fool in me hopes that Love will conquer all................

Good night for now - I need to sleep on all this,
Susan Lager
PS.  For a pile of free original articles of mine about relationship issues, sign up at the "Free Reports" button at the bottom right side of this page.

Fighting With A Pitbull

Hello Reader,

Have you ever found yourself having a conflict with someone, then a few minutes into it, realizing that you're getting nowhere fast? It's especially true when the someone you're engaging with is what we shrinks call "passive-aggressive"-- a slippery person whose hostility is largely unacceptable to them, so it's unconscious, and they go under the radar with their anger. Their "jabs" are often subtle but deadly. Their aggression often gets played out in what they don't do, or forget to do, but it still stings, and clings.
I think of it as "fighting with a Pitbull", and encourage you to avoid it if you can. There's no winning or happy resolution. You're dealing with someone who, like the Pitbull, is amazingly tenacious, locks on, and won't let go. So avoid them whenever possible, or at least, don't engage - you'll just end up bloody. Who are the Pitbulls in your life?........


Goodnight,
Susan Lager
PS.  Tune in to my latest BlogTalk Radio episode, "Create The Life You Love", with Barbara Hofmeister, an international motivational speaker, and author of the bestselling book, "To Be Or Not To Be--The Choice is Yours". (If you look carefully, the BlogTalk Radio player is on the bottom right side of this page).

Life, Death, and Taxes Revisited

Hello Reader,

I just finished putting all my tax vouchers into their respective envelopes along with the hefty checks made out to the United States Treasury, and Treasurer, State of Maine. (ugh!) Along with millions of others, I've parted with hard-earned dollars, and handed them over to Uncle Sam. It's always with a mixed sense of relief, dread, pride, annoyance, and accomplishment that I get to this point every year - - the massive effort required to have all the needed cash available to pay out all at once, the cynicism about where my tax dollars are going, the ecstasy of being done (for now) with all the horrible tabulations for my accountant, my irritation with myself about not being more organized and streamlined in my bookkeeping, and my resolve to make it all easier next year. And then it's "deja vue" all over again next April 15th.
(I think this is the official definition of insanity - to keep doing what you're doing, hoping for a different result!)  Do you get where I'm going with this?
Think about your own life, and where you may be doing your own version of insanity. How and where are you doing the same old thing, hoping for new results? In your job? With your kids? In your marriage? With your addictions?
Then, before you do anything radical in the change department, think about what you get from your bond with the "same-old-same-o"? What (neurotic) purpose does it serve? And what would you need to give up to take different action? Is it worth it?
So, like me with the same old tax script, you too may be able to "break up" with your nasty old habit!
I'll check in with you next April 15th............

Cheers,
Susan Lager

Communication In Relationships

Hello Reader,

     We have a simple but wise saying in the psychotherapy world: "If it's mentionable, it's manageable!"
It's so true, especially in intimate partnerships. So often I see couples "sitting on" giant resentments, presumptions, hurts, misconceptions, and bewilderment that could probably be worked out if there's a value  to each in the relationship. Haven't most of us stayed silent at times, fearing the consequences, only to find out that the "bogeyman" was in our own head?
I have three wishes for my Relationship Genie:
1.  That partners would generally give each other more credit for having the potential for a reasonable response to each other's concerns, and make presumptions of "good will".
2.  That people would more often value their own experience, not discount it, and be willing to stand up for themselves by speaking up.
3.  That we'd all legitimize the fact of "alternate realities" around situations, be more curious about each other's experience, (getting away from "right" or "wrong"), and practice the fine art of listening better.
(That's sort of three and a half, but the Genie will probably humor me.)

Good night and good luck!
Susan Lager
PS.  For more of my thoughts and tools for communication, sign up for a series of Free Reports at the button on the right.

Healthy Marriages

Hello Reader,

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about healthy vs. unhealthy marriages
a) because I encounter both types in my work daily as a psychotherapist and coach
b) I'm scheduled for another BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 9PM called:
   "Tuneup and Oil Change -- Keeping Marriages Healthy".
My guest will be Sergio Pirrotta, EdD., a psychologist from Byfield, Massachusetts who also specializes in couples work, and is a bit of a rock star in the Northeast. He's trained countless clinicians, is smart as a whip, and will have a lot to say about the issue of healthy marriages.
Tune in toll-free: 877-497-9046 and you'll be live on the call, and will be able to comment or ask questions.
Stay tuned!

Susan Lager
PS. For lots more information about relationship issues, sign up as a subscriber for a series of free reports  I think you'll find very informative and interesting! (Button at the bottom right of this blog).
      

Words Of Wisdom

Hello Reader,

      I found this on the site of a wonderful man who helped train me as a coach. I thought you'd all enjoy it.

      Goodnight,

      Susan Lager

45 Lessons of Life Taught Me by Regina Brett

I have said in the past that when I run across something that I feel is worthy, I will pass it on through my blog. Well, this is more than worthy, this is great stuff. :)

This is something we should all read at least once a week, if not everyday!

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of "The Plain Dealer", Cleveland, Ohio. Here is what she has to say: "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more."

45 Lessons Life Taught Me.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Regina truly has "rare sense" indeed. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog today. Please feel free to share this post with anyone you feel would benefit from it and leave your comments.

May you be blessed always and in all ways!

Harry Shade
Author - Rare Sense, One Day It Will Be Common: A Practical Guide to a Fulfilled & Balanced Life
harry@raresenseunlimited.com
http://www.raresenseunlimited.com

Wallowers

Hi Reader,

A friend of mine recently had a toxic exchange with an acquaintance of hers who is a chronic "wallower".  (I'll call this person Jennifer). She routinely complains about her life, her husband, her friends, her family, anything she can to maintain her victimhood. In the not so distant past, I too had experienced the avalanche of misery released from Jennifer, and have avoided her since, partly because wallowers don't really want help, they just want witnesses for their "misery", so it always made me feel helpless and depleted when I dealt with her.  I had warned my friend about the wallower, but she needed to learn the distancing lesson herself. It made me think: maybe there should be a "Wallower Alert!" available to the general public, so anyone could read the signs and run, before getting flattened in the avalanche of projected misery!  So here's my version of a practical "Wallower Alert" for you to use as needed:

1. Wallowers are extremely self absorbed. They rarely ask substantive questions about the lives and experiences of others. They just want a mirror of their angst.
2. Wallowers are needy and demanding. They will call you any hour of the day or night to do their complaining, and they expect you to be available.
3. Wallowers are "help-rejecting". Don't try to fix their circumstances, because they don't accept solutions. They don't accept solutions because that implies that they have some role or responsibility for their situation.
4. Wallowers aren't really miserable. They get a lot of secondary gain from their sense of victimhood, they're bonded to it for complex reasons. The "misery" is like an appendage for them. Don't try to amputate it!
5. Wallowers will not have a mental breakdown if you distance gently - they are wizards at finding some other witness to their "plight". Remember, their relationship with you isn't personal, even though their complaints may be of a personal nature. To them you're an object, a mirror, and they will always find another one if you get sick of the whole deal.

Heading for the hills as I see another Wallower coming,

Susan Lager