Dating Dilemmas

Most people loathe dating. You're on your best behavior, putting on an Academy Awards performance.

Usually underneath the polite chatter is a stream of self talk about whether this person you've met is a viable "candidate" for life partnership. It's a giant size-up game, which is particularly nerve-racking for people who have gone through a divorce, and already often feel a bit bruised, discarded or unlovable. Some typical dilemmas center around the issues of: 

• feeling objectified 
• fear of getting hurt again 
• whether it's fair to move forward if you know this person isn't your version of marriage material 
• how much to share 
• who takes initiative 
• who pays
• when and if to have sex 
• when and if to tell your kids
• when to introduce this person to your family
• fear of making the same mistakes
• what's okay to put up with

In my therapy work with dating clients I tell them that there are four firm guidelines I suggest which can make the whole thing easier and more fun:

1. Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and honor them. Stand by yourself.
2. Keep your sense of humor. It helps you maintain perspective. If it goes badly, chances are that nobody will get killed.
3. Insist upon reciprocity. Expect give and take. Share responsibility for making things happen or not.
4. Don't rush it. Pushing things prematurely can create pseudo intimacy, and more illusions. Let things unfold naturally without pressure. If it's the right thing, force doesn't make it happen. 

Pay attention to these guidelines, and you'll have a much better time, whether you meet your "life partner" or not.

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

                                                                         

The Love Of Family

Anthony Brandt wrote: "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." How true!
I had that same experience this past long weekend with my family all together here in Maine to celebrate my older sister's birthday. We also gathered to circle round a beloved father, husband, and brother-in-law as he faces critical cancer surgery. Both occasions are important markers of change. Both warranted loving acknowledgement. Both events required the unconditional, visceral love and sense of belonging you get when you have a "good enough" family.

I felt particularly blessed this weekend to have such a family. We laughed, we cried, we dined, we toured, we shopped, we told stories, we watched TV, we learned, we celebrated, we circled our wagons.
Life is sweeter today because the weekend started and ended with family.

I wish all of you a loving family. If you weren't born into one, create one of your own!

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

Need Love!

My husband Thom, and I are babysitting for our son's girlfriend's guinea pig this weekend. The two of them (my son and his girlfriend, not the guinea pig), went upstate and didn't want to leave Graham (the guinea pig), in the hot car en route, so the skittish little rodent is our house guest for the next few days.
It's already been an eye-opening experience.  Graham, rodent though he is, needs love just like the rest of us! If he's left in his cage by himself too long, he "sulks" by withdrawing into his little igloo house when coaxed to come out. He makes special "irritated" squeaks that guinea pig experts distinguish from the happy squeals he makes when he's petted and held. When he's taken out of his cage and allowed to hang out with the family, he gets perkier by the minute, and ends up "popcorning" around the floor (skittering about with hops and jumps). When you hold him, he lovingly looks up into your eyes and makes more joyful, purring type squeaks. He's a first cousin of the rat, but this little guy needs love! And if an 8 inch guinea pig needs love, what about people?

Nobody likes to be taken for granted. You probably cuddle with your dog, pet your cat, and like me, get cozy with your guinea pig. How affectionate have you been to the humans in your life? How cozy have you and your partner been with each other? Are you withdrawing and sulking in your little houses, or are you "popcorning" around? Think about it.............

Gotta go love up Graham some more,
Susan Lager

9/11 Anniversary

For the past few weeks I've met with clients experiencing profound dread and sadness about the upcoming tenth anniversary of 9/11.  What has compounded it has been the onslaught of terrible news about extreme flooding in the Northeast, wildfires and widespread loss of homes in Texas, the tragic plane crash in Russia, the Seven Eleven slaughter, the rising suicide rate in Japan, and many, many other reports of horrific events and developments.
In the case of the 9/11 anniversary, we can at least take solace in the solidarity of national grieving and memorials. We validate each other around the pain and loss. Together we prepare for the "anniversary effect" - revisiting the traumatic images and memories imprinted in our brains. We unite in the healing process. We try to make sense of what happened.
Unfortunately, we're left to our own defenses around the other daily, tragic events.  Clients and friends say they feel helpless, alone, and increasingly anxious in an unsafe world.

There is no magic formula for dealing with all this. Even people of deep religious faith feel profoundly tested in the face of such daily tragedy.
What helps me is to surround myself with love, to remind myself of the essential goodness of people, and the joys of life. I also focus on the small things I can do, to mitigate against feelings of helplessness regarding all the trauma. Going into meaningful action, being present in the grace of the moment, and making heartfelt connections, are my medicines for staying sturdy in such turbulent times.
But it's also helpful to honor the grief and sadness, and sometimes just cry.

Susan Lager

Depressing Things We Say

• "You never know......"
• "What next!"
• "Here we go again"
• "It's always something!"
• "Whatever...."
• "Beats me...."
• "I can't win!"
• "For crying out loud!"
• "Son of a bitch!"
• "Oy vey!"
• "For the love of God!"
• "Sue me!"
• "Gag me with a wooden spoon!"
• "They shoot horses, don't they?"
• "Life sucks."
• "Life is short, and then you die."
• "Why bother?"
• "Who cares?"
• "You can't trust anyone!"

How often do you say things like this, and what does it do to your mood?

Think about it.........

Susan Lager

Preparing For The Hurricane

Most everyone living in the northeastern U.S. is preparing for Hurricane Irene to arrive in all her fury.
The supermarkets are jammed with people stocking up on water, batteries, flashlights, ice, food, and all sorts of other supplies needed in the event of power outages, and floods.

 The odd thing is that today was a gorgeous, sunny day showing no signs of the likely destruction and general mayhem to come. Maybe it's an occupational hazard, but it feels to me like a perfect metaphor for the uncertainty of life inside a committed relationship: At the moment all seems calm, but inevitably there are huge storms coming, and if you're not prepared, you're screwed. It you wait till the last minute your resources will be limited at best. If you don't have a plan for how to brave the storm, you'll be in reactive "chaos mode", and won't fare so well. If you don't pay attention to the warning signs, you'll be in dangerous denial, and could be swept away. If you try to go it alone without proper teamwork, you'll be at risk. So think of nurturing and bolstering your relationship as similar to preparing for the hurricane.
You hope for the best while allowing for the worst, and chances are, there's sunshine again on the other side.

Hope all goes well,
Susan Lager

Negotiation In Marriage

As a couples therapist I routinely see couples struggling with decisions which make nobody happy!
Natalie wants one thing, Ned wants something else, (or so it seems). They then either slug it out emotionally until one person gets their way, or they "take their marbles and go home" - withdrawing into their respective corners with animosity because they couldn't come to some kind of reasonable agreement.

Marriage and partnerships are all about negotiation, whether it's when and where we go on vacation, or how and when we tackle home projects, or which school to send the kids to. The worst thing couples do is to come up with "win-lose" or "either-or" solutions. In negotiation language we call that a dismal failure. The aim instead is to move toward "both-and" or "win-win"solutions, where each partner may give something up, but also gets something important to them. So if Ned wants to spend time in the Fall working on home projects, and Natalie wants a trip, the goal is to see how either they can do both reasonably, or take turns getting their way. The most critical thing is to craft solutions which address key parts of each of their concerns, not polarize around differences.

How good a negotiator are you in your partnership?

Have a mutually good end of summer,
Susan Lager