Are You A Lazy Husband?

Calling all lazy husbands! You (should) know who you are: you leverage your wife's need to keep the peace, her need for order, her need to please, to take care of everyone, her guilt, her less than terrific self esteem, etc. You cash in on it with lots of napping, watching TV, drinking beer, puttering in the garage, puttering with your car or motorcycle, yakking with the neighbors (also remiss husbands), checking your email, looking at porn, and just being a couch potato with the dog or cat.
Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of loving, generous husbands who do their fair share of the work on the home front. There are also lots of wives who drop the ball on their husbands, letting them do 80% of the work, while they work out, play tennis, have lunch with friends, and shop, or read, or putter around. Right now I'm focusing on lazy husbands who cop out, because it's probably a more common complaint wives have, than husbands have, and because I can't talk about everything at once.

If you've heard your wife complain with some frequency about your lack of participation around the house, you can either discount her as a chronic, unprovoked nag, or you can do some soul searching about the possible kernels of truth in her complaints. If you choose the latter, you might want to examine what you're trying to accomplish with doing less. Maybe, it's your way of flipping her the bird, because you feel resentful about things the two of you don't discuss. Maybe you feel unappreciated for the other things you do in your life together. Maybe the two of you have set up a "parent-child" dynamic, with you playing the part of the lax child, needing to be scolded by a parent, a scenario which might mirror your family of origin dynamic. Maybe it's your way of getting attention, feeling short-changed by your wife's attention to the kids and relatives. Maybe you were just trained by your family to expect others to wait on you, and feel it's your entitlement.

Whatever drives your under-functioning, kmow that being a lazy husband always has consequences. Don't expect her to be warm and fuzzy in the bedroom, when the context is one of disparate contribution to the work load.
Don't think she'll forget it and be available for fun and lightness, with time and distraction. Don't expect to feel good about yourself, down deep, when you know on some level that you aren't carrying your own weight. Do expect resentment, a disengaged, cold shoulder, more nagging, and a buildup of contempt.
The good news is that if you use your words about what bothers you or what you need, instead of acting it out through under-functioning, you can open up potentially constructive dialogue about who needs what, and what to do about it. It's far more constructive and mature. You'll also avoid the unpleasantness of life in the dog house. It's your call......

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager

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Kayaking As A Bonding Tool For Couples

My husband and I have been kayaking for about fifteen years, long before it became a "cool" thing to do. It started as a family activity with our son, and now that we're (sort of) "empty nesters", it continues to be the miracle cure for all that ails us as a couple.
You can see from the picture on the left that it seems to have the same effect on that couple!

We began this season last Sunday on a pristine pond in York, Maine. We were both facing grueling work weeks, taxes, piles of Spring chores, calls to be returned, bills to be paid, dishes, laundry, and enough other stuff to make us bark at each other all morning. Then, after less than two minutes on the water, all was bliss. We were smiling, "cloud painting," taking pictures of turtles, and joyfully paddling around the pond.
I've come to the conclusion that kayaking is the perfect antidote to stress, and the perfect bonding tool for couples, singles, or groups. You're totally in the moment of the movement through the water, the breeze on your skin, negotiating the in's and out's of the shoreline, and watching the wildlife (we once had a moose swim right in front of our boats!). I prefer solo kayaks, because they allow you each to do your own thing when you want to, then be together when you want that. It's the perfect balance of independence and connection. Getting there requires the collaborative effort of putting the boats onto your car carrier and tying them down, then taking them off and launching, then putting them back up again. Often you bring a snack or picnic lunch. In warmer weather you can swim or just float around. If you're a high adrenaline couple, you can savor the thrills of white water together. (I've enjoyed that too,
though not exactly "relaxing.")

No, I'm not a rep for a kayak company. I'm telling you this because kayaking is one kind of "high energy fun,"and fun is vital for couples to experience together for bonding. It's also the kind of "in the moment" activity vital for all of us, coupled or not, to have in our "refueling" repertoires.
So, if you're near water, try it! If boating isn't your thing, do something else which brings you pleasure, and takes you away from all the busy stressors in your life.

Cheers and Happy Spring!
Susan Lager
PS.  My new "CoupleSchool Fast-Track Program" is now available for sale through my website at:
       http://wp.me/P1ayQF-d6

Dr. Leanne Tigert Discussing Lesbian Relationships on 4/11 BlogTalk Radio Show 8 PM EST!

Don't miss this vital show about the struggles and strengths of lesbian relationships, and how faith and The Church can have a key impact on the core issues involved. My co-host is Dr. Leanne Tigert, a licensed pastoral psychotherapist, ordained minister, educator, internationally recognized keynote speaker, facilitator, and writer who specializes in the area of diversity, conflict management, sexuality, and religion.

Call in at 8 PM EST toll-free at 877-497-9046 and join us live on the air!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Tax Time Crazies

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Every year starting in March, and going through April 15th, most everyone I know, myself included, gets weirded out about taxes. Preparing them for the accountant, realizing all the money spent on ridiculous things, waiting to find out the verdict about what's owed or what, if anything will be refunded, then PAYING FOR IT!
Most dining room tables have long been lost to piles of papers, documenting finances for the past year. Some tables, I hear, have remained in "tax mode" for years!
It's a little bit like pregnancy and childbirth. The buildup is literally and figuratively huge, the event is unnerving, but then, thankfully it's over and forgotten - until the next time around.

The one consolation is that you are not alone. Thousands and thousands of people procrastinate to the very end when dealing with taxes. (I have clients who were just beginning the whole process this week!)
Thousands more are checking their mailboxes daily to get the package back from the accountant telling them if they're screwed or not. (I see at least one neighbor doing this each day.)
Everyone moans about it. Nobody has a viable alternative though, if you like having drivable roads, safe bridges, public schools, and such things.

My best advise? Remind yourself that:
1. This is the un-fun part of being an adult.
2. This too shall pass - at least until next year.......

Cheers,
Susan Lager

Premature Planting

If you live here in the Northeast, you too were probably baffled and delighted by the unseasonably, record breaking hot weather last week. I'm talking mid to high 80's in mid March! Everyone went from layers of wool bundling to practically naked overnight. What also happened was a lot of overly optimistic, premature planting of gardens by people who figured it's now Spring, just because it actually is Spring. Big mistake. Lots of folks have now set themselves up for the bitter disappointment and frustration of frostbitten veggies and flowers when the arctic weather returns during "mud season".

This may seem like a stretch, but I think sometimes when we "prematurely plant", presuming certain outcomes, rather than patiently waiting for things to unfold, as sometimes they must, we set up avoidable aggravations down the road. (Isn't that what they mean by the saying, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch"?)
Some things, like the weather, cannot be controlled, counted on, or rushed, so try to be mindful of where you make idealistic presumptions which then govern your actions. In my case, when the temperature hit 83 degrees last week, I somehow resisted the urge to haul my 10,000 pairs of boots up to the attic to make room for my 15,000 pairs of open-toed, summer shoes. Good thing, because had I not, I'd now have frostbitten feet and boxes all over my bedroom, needing to be reloaded!
Be careful about what you count on!

Shivering,
Susan Lager
PS.  If you'd like more of my in depth, original articles about all kinds of issues, go to the "Products" page of my website www.SusanLager.com where you can buy them for a pittance. With Easter around the corner, you especially might want to purchase, "How To Avoid Disasters At Holiday Family Events" for useful tips.
If you're totally broke, approaching our beloved tax season, just subscribe to my site for a long list of "Free Reports" (Sign up button is on the right side of this page.) Whatever you do, STOP PLANTING VEGGIES NOW IF YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND! BE PATIENT!

I'm Back! (And Refueled)

I know, it's been two weeks with me incognito, unfortunately not hanging out sipping Pina Colada's on a beach in the Caribbean. The much less lovely truth is that I've been getting my personal taxes ready for my accountant, working hours each day assembling documentation, and tabulating figures. I'd rather be tarred and feathered than endure this each year, so when I come up for air, I'm religious about rewarding myself and "refueling" with someone special. This time it was with my beloved "baby" sister, Laurelei, as I call her.

We spent more than four days yakking, shopping, site seeing, eating, speed walking, watching "Doc Martin" for hours on end, and yakking. Did I already mention that? It was pure heaven, partly because we're very well aligned in interests, but mostly because we adore and enjoy each other. Whenever she leaves to return to New York City, I feel a weird mixture of sadness and fullness - not only in relation to all the food we ate, but mostly related to the joy of our connection.

I'm telling you this because I think it's vital for everyone to have someone to "refuel" with. It doesn't have to be a family member if your family is "vile" (as Doc Marin says). It just needs to be someone you enjoy who meets you with good energy, so you can go back to the grind of whatever you need to do with a sense of connection, and the experience of living well with joy.
What relationships refuel you?

Cheers,
Susan Lager
PS.  The Wednesday, March 21st 8:30 PM Blogtalk Radio show has been rescheduled to Wednesday,
       April 4th at 8:30 PM.  I will announce the topic and guest soon, so stay tuned......