Love Is Not Enough!

For all of you hopeless romantics out there who think that love conquers all, I have news for you - it's a delusion. Love is not enough!!

If you've been in a relationship where you excuse various kinds of chronic disrespectful, unkind or unfair behaviors, "because deep down
I know he (she) loves me," then I would recommend that you stop and examine a few critical things very closely.

For a limited time, I'll be offering one hour phone consultations 
to be used in conjunction with my latest original article, "Love Is Not Enough." We'll explore the six major factors which may help you decide if you are wasting precious time, hope, and energy in a dead relationship, or whether there's a happier pulse which can be amplified.

Contact me by email at: Couplesctr@gmail.com or simply call my office at:
603-431-7131 for information about pricing and availability.

Cheers,
Susan Lager

Tools For Obsessive Thinking, Negative Thoughts And Anxiety!

Tune into my BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 8:30 PM to learn about how to manage the noise in your head. My co-host is Louise Beck, an internationally recognized expert on Mindfulness Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with your questions or comments, or catch the show live streaming at: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

If you're already in bed at that hour, you can catch a recording of the show at the same site later on.
Hope you join us!

Susan Lager

Negative Thoughts? Amazing Change With Mindfulness Based CBT 07/18 by Susan Lager | Blog Talk Radio

Negative Thoughts? Amazing Change With Mindfulness Based CBT 07/18 by Susan Lager | Blog Talk Radio

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM on the 18th to join us live on the air with your questions, comments, or stories. We'd love to hear from you!

If you can't join us live, catch an archived recording of the show at:
www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Looking Through Fresh Eyes

My husband Thom, and I had a great time yesterday "dubbing around" our house and land, fixing things, spiffing things up, and creating more order and beauty. It was very satisfying to get so many little projects completed!
We then had such a feeling of accomplishment, that the next day we rewarded ourselves by boating on our favorite lake all day - just doing nothing.

The thing that sparked the frenzy of activity the first day was the act of looking through fresh eyes at our surroundings. I'll often get great ideas watching HGTV, seeing all the different ways people arrange their homes and yards, especially as they proceed with remodeling or moving. The last few shows made me aware of the beauty and simplicity of hardwood floors, and how we've hidden ours with area rugs. So, looking through fresh eyes, I could see more open, spacious rooms without the carpets. Out went the carpets, and (excuse the pun), but we're both floored by the difference! Sometimes things get stale and we don't even notice it.

Why am I talking about carpets and floors? Because if you do the same thing with all your key relationships, and look at them through fresh eyes, you're likely to see some things differently. You may notice how much reciprocity there really is; how much, and in what ways affection and respect are manifested. With a spouse, take a new look at how much intimacy you're really creating, or how old worn out agreements may still be operating. With parents, notice how the boundaries are honored. Think of this as a kind of refreshing of these connections. Ask yourself what a reasonable outsider might see, where there's room for change, and how you too, looking through fresh eyes, might be able to reshape your relationships.

Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S.  For articles filled with insights about how to transform your relationships, go to the "Products" page of my website, www.SusanLager.com

(Almost) Giving Up

Among the 10,000 other things I've been working on, I've been writing two books for the past eight or so months. They're the first two in a series of Couplespeak™ guides about surviving and thriving in relationships. One is done, and in the complicated process of being properly formatted for publishing, and the other is soon to be born. I think they'll both be wonderful - that is, if I don't give up.

I've wanted to give up for the past few months, because of all the hassles and challenges of the project, and my wise, almost 25 year old son Alec says, "Mom, don't give up! You're about 85% of the way there!"
He's right. It's like deciding you might not want to have the baby when you're entering your ninth month of pregnancy, and there's nothing wrong with the baby! You wanted this baby. You planned it, did everything right. Now you want to bale?

The logical, mature therapist part of me knows this is probably "Fear of Success." Sounds crazy, doesn't it? We're all familiar with "Fear of Failure," but why would anyone fear success? And yet, most people have, at some point in their lives, hesitated or sabotaged themselves around some important project or dream, or most commonly, sabotaged a good relationship. That I see every day! People on the threshold of really positive developments, and they can't integrate it psychologically, because it doesn't jive with all their negative self scripts, so they just give up.

I saw a TV interview with the Principal of an inner city high school who talked about his daily battle to keep his students on track, competing with the lure of gangs and drugs. When asked if he ever felt like giving up, he laughed and said, "Of course! I actually do give up for a period of time every day. Then I go back, and continue to fight the battle."
Maybe that's the clue. Let yourself give up when you need to, then remember why you've been in it, and go back to your dream.

(Almost) giving up - for now,
Susan Lager
P.S.  The name of the book is, "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat!   (Coming out next month, if I give up just a little each day).

Sweet Father's Day 2012

Our family officially celebrated Father's Day a week early, because that's when our son was able to make the trek home from Connecticut. That meant that on the actual day, it was just my husband, "the Father," and me, celebrating him as a great Dad.

I bought him a printer compatible with his iPad, which he loved, and then gifted him with a surprise excursion upstate New Hampshire which I had fully planned. We started the day with the present and a pot of coffee, which we enjoyed on the deck overlooking our garden - very "Martha Stewart". We then "dubbed around" our land, picking weeds and flowers, and congratulating ourselves for all the beauty we've created. (That part is an almost daily ritual). Then we loaded up the kayaks and the car with supplies, and took off for the "surprise" trip to Squam Lake ("Golden Pond"), in Holderness, New Hampshire, munching on our "breakfast to go". (He'd had a feeling it was probably Squam).

Unbeknownst to me, it was the last day of Motorcycle Week in Weirs Beach, which we had to go through to get to the lake, so the last leg of the journey was very interesting, complete with 200,000 bikers from all over, many of whom were Hells Angels. By the time we landed the kayaks it was 3:30, and as usual, most people were beginning to head home. That was just fine, as we had most of the giant lake to ourselves, as we often do on our trips, with our weird schedule. (We tooled all around France without reservations for two weeks in 1986 after a terrorist bombing, and never saw an American).
We paddled around for a few hours, admiring the stately summer homes and the mountains, as I watched my blissful husband, thinking, "these moments are precious, savor them, savor being with him, it's not a given!"

We then left the lake and headed for Lago, a lakeside inn and restaurant at the northern point of Winnipesaukee. They serve drinks on the lawn at the water's edge, where you sit in adirondack chairs, looking down the lake toward the mountains. It's one of our favorite places, and we had it all to ourselves, because it was a Sunday night, and most (normal) people were already headed home. Then we had a lovely dinner at a table right by the window, watching the sunset.
It was the most perfect Father's Day, and I kept thinking, "Why do we wait for special occasions to gift each other in this way? Why don't we all appreciate each other like this every day?"

I hope you too had a lovely Father's Day.

Susan Lager

Lower Your Expectations

How often have you set yourself up for a big disappointment by counting on an experience or a situation to be a certain way? I hear about people doing this all the time. You want flowers, but they have to be red roses, so if you get daisies, they don't count. You anticipate a fabulous weekend having fun in the sun, then when it rains, all your plans literally get soaked, and you're miserable. You get married expecting unending romance and bliss, then when the reality of arguments and differences sets in, you're headed for divorce court. The problem is your expectations!

Research studies have shown that unrealistically high expectations of ourselves result in lower success rates with goals, and lowered feelings of satisfaction - that people set themselves up for "failure" with inflated notions of "success." The dieting industry is a perfect testimony to this.

When our son was just a teeny tadpole I used to get all excited by the prospect of going on adventures with him. I'd research, plan, pack, and expect glorious things. I was a "stay-at-home mother," so one of the benefits was time to do lots of fun stuff, NOT at home. The complication was that he had severe asthma attacks which would require immediate medical attention, sometime in the form of a trip to the local emergency room. So much for my elaborate plans......
Ironically, the day I decided to lower my expectations, was the day that my parenting experience began to really get wonderful and interesting. I adopted the attitude that maybe we'd go with the plan, maybe not, but something else would emerge, perhaps better in some way. It helped me relax and be "in the moment," as they say, even if that moment was in the ER, or heaven forbid, staying at home.

Moral of the story? Lower your expectations regarding "ideal outcomes," and watch your happiness level go way up!

Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S.  For more insights and ideas about how to have a better time in life, go to the
        "Products" page of my website: www.SusanLager.com