Marital Conspiracies

"All you need to do is to augment the salad."

It's what I say to my husband Thom about three times a week when we touch base before coming home from a long day at work. He generally calls and asks what the deal is for dinner on a midweek night. I know he's exhausted, and won't be very chirpy about doing anything elaborate for an evening meal when neither of us have given any time or thought to it. So, I tell him this, even when the leftover "salad" now consists of three pathetic pieces of lettuce and a lonely chunk of tomato in the bottom of a giant bowl. (Not to mention the fact that there's nothing else in sight for dinner). I know if Thom gets home first he'll add Spring Mix, onions, tomatoes, celery, carrots, pumpkin seeds, nectarines, Feta or Blue cheese and who knows what else to the salad he's "augmenting." But if I ask for that beforehand, my sweet natured hubby will get very cranky - and I don't want to come home to a cranky hubby at the end of a long day with cranky clients.

"Augment the salad" has now become code for any unsavory requests we want to make more palatable, by minimizing them to each other. Last night it was putting the kayak holder on my car in the dark, so I'd be ready for today's excursion to Newcastle at the crack of dawn. Two days ago, it was re-attaching a rewired lamp to the wall by my reading/writing chair. On Tuesday before going to work I had to "augment" his "salad" by helping him haul and unload a house-sized trailer of brush to the dump (which was then closed!) Two days before that, it was a "five minute job" of helping him take four air conditioners out of their windows and into the garage. The "salad" list goes on and on.
It's a weird, conspiratorial folly we embrace by default.

So, how do you "augment the salad" in your marriage?

"75 Habits For A Happy Marriage" BlogTalk Radio Show with Ashley Davis Bush 9/23/13 8 PM EST

Here we are at the end of another week. Has it been a loving one in your marriage or has it been the usual rut?

Did you kiss you spouse or tell him you love him?

Did you spend any quality time alone together talking openly about things that matter to each of you, or were you consumed with the kids, the bills, work, screen time or chores?

Did you make love or touch each other tenderly, or were you physically on separate planets?

Did you laugh when she said something cute?

Did you apologize after an argument?

If you answered "no" to most of these questions, then you might be in a marital rut!
You should NOT miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode tomorrow night, Monday, September 23rd at 8 PM EST! My co-host will be Ashley Davis Bush, a Huffington Post blogger, therapist, and the author of "Transcending Loss" and "Shortcuts To Inner Peace." We'll be discussing the goldmine of ideas for lasting marital happiness in her newly published book, "75 Habits For A Happy Marriage."
You don't have to go to the south of France to refresh your marriage. There are tons of small, everyday things you and your spouse can do to revive a wilting marriage or keep a happy one, happy!

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments. We'd love to have you! If you can't make it, go to The Couplespeak Relationship Forum on BlogTalk Radio, and you'll find the recorded show shortly after we air it.

Happy marriage,
Susan Lager

Facebook Envy

I hate Facebook. I hate all the posturing, self promotion, and mental masturbation which is so common on that medium. I hate all the PR falsehoods,  the whole idea that anyone can have 3,000 "friends"! I don't want to know all the graphic, obsessive details of Barbie's awful time cleaning up Fido's poop, and how it's ruined the grass she paid thousands to maintain. I hate all the wasted time millions of people around the world are committing by living online, and not in their lives. I hate the fact that as a business person I have to have some Facebook presence to not become a dinosaur. I hate the marital violations and boundary crossings committed on Facebook which I work so hard to repair with couples. I hate the whole "faux intimacy" it generates, making face-to-face relationships seem so flat by comparison.

What I hate most of all is the envy it creates through all these illusions. I see so much unnecessary self-devaluation getting fueled by what Martha Beck refers to as "FOMO" - Fear of Missing Out, the idea that everyone else's life is so fabulous, and they've all gone to a giant daily party that is exclusive.

If you ever have this experience of envy when you read other people's posts on Facebook, then I have some tools for you which you may find helpful. I'll share one here:

• Think of what you are reading about other people as just the corner of the picture frame. You are looking at the outside trimming, not the substance in the picture. It's the part people want you to see, not the real internal deal. Would you buy a painting just because the frame looked good? Probably not. Trust that for all the ideal looking vacations, parties, connections, and fun stuff people are posting about, they too have disappointments, frustrations, hurts, and heartbreaks. Barbie may tell you about her dog poop dilemma, but probably won't share her deepest issues. (If she does on that forum, then her boundaries are bad, or she needs attention and a good therapist.)

Hopefully, the next time you cruise the Facebook site you'll take it all with a grain of salt, and stay with the goodness you experience in your own life.

* If you'd like some one-on-one help with envy of any kind, I have other strategies which may be useful to you. Feel free to contact me at my Portsmouth office at 603-431-7131 for a live or remote session.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

www.SusanLager.com

End of Summer 2013

Unbelievably, we've already arrived at the last week before Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer. Here in New Hampshire, parents are sending their kids off to school this week! Mercifully, in Maine, where I live, nobody goes back to school until after Labor Day, but even then, everyone groans about letting go of the long, langorous days of summer. (Except parents who are sick of their kids).

I've had a terrific summer with boating, hiking (light), swimming in the ocean and lakes, barbecues, reading, friends, family, and some wonderful long weekends away at lovely new places. I've also taken somewhat of a break from the internet to be outside more, doing active things. So, I can't complain about it all coming to an end soon, as we in New England enter the Arctic Freeze Winter for the next seven or so months.

If you're feeling blue about the transition, I'd encourage you to think of it this way: Would summer be as special to you if it were all year round? If you think "Yes!" then you should move to Florida or the Carribbean! If you thought "No way!" then savor what you've experienced this past summer. If you didn't experience much, then begin making a list of the things you will commit to doing next summer, so you don't continue the "regret cycle." (You might also need some new friends who get you out more).

Another thing you can do is to anticipate all the delightful things about the Fall and Winter. Look forward to more "tuck in" time with more opportunities for indoor activities and more reflection. Won't it be nice to not feel pressure to be outside so much doing fabulous things? If you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (depression related to lower levels of light), do the therapeutic "light therapy." Anticipate the beauty of the changed color palette outdoors with all the invigorating things you can do outside if you're dressed properly. Look forward to Fall and Winter rituals and holidays. And of course, you can also look forward to next summer. It will be here before you know it....

Changing The Routine

If you are a regular reader of mine, you may have noticed that I've been lax in the blogging department for most of the summer.
I've given myself permission to get out of my chair, off the internet, and to have a different kind of fun! I love talking to you all, I love writing and sharing things, but I get sick of the internet in the summer! I happen to live on the southern coast of Maine, which is filled with fantastic places to go, and interesting things to do, so I feel compelled to change up my routine, get outside more, be more social and PLAY!

Changing your routine from time to time can be an invigorating experience. The sense of novelty ramps up good chemicals in your brain, especially if you're doing some new or different things with a friend or partner.
The change can expose you to new activities or people you may really enjoy.
You're likely to learn stuff as you expand and switch up your repertoire.
Then, the ironic result may be that when you resume your usual routine, you approach it with fresh eyes and ears, and are likely to be more appreciative of your life as it was!

Don't Miss My Next Blogtalk Radio Episode: 6 Cures For A Really Bad Mood 7/31/13 8:30 PM EDT

We all suffer a bad mood from time to time. It's never fun, but can be a more lasting, contagious experience, or a briefer, more benign annoyance, depending on how you manage it.
Tune into my next BlogTalk Radio show Wednesday, July 31st at 8:30 PM EDT for a half hour discussion about tools to contain and transform a bad mood.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in, or to join me on the air with questions, comments or ideas of your own. Hope you can be there!

Susan Lager

Summer Brain

Every summer I encounter a similar thing: friends, family, colleagues and clients running around, off their usual structured schedules, forgetting appointments, late for dates, and all out of whack.
I call it Summer Brain because maybe the heat and humidity, (and now the torrential rain), seeps into everyone's head and acts like a blender, mixing everything up. People who are usually so precise and committed to dates, times, goals and schedules now all seem to have A.D.D. !

As a therapist, I've learned not to take it too personally, knowing it's seasonal, and in the Northeast it's probably related to the frenetic pace around capitalizing on the measly duration of warm weather.
I make use of the found time when clients forget their appointments by filing, returning calls, organizing my desk, and wondering why I haven't caught the Summer Brain bug? Unfortunately, when I charge clients for these missed appointments they often get annoyed, probably wondering what's wrong with my brain.

But hey, it's summer! We could all instead be shoveling two feet of snow off our roofs, then shivering in our freezing cars, negotiating black ice, and praying for summer!

Life is a trip.....