Better Communication, Deeper Connection and Reduced Conflict

Newsflash! I will be conducting a couples retreat with my friend and colleague, Meredith Richardson, a mediator and conflict coach on the weekend of January 18 - 20, 2014, at the Inn at Bath, Maine.

The title of this special retreat geared for six couples only is "I'm Talking! Are You Listening? A Couples Retreat For Better Communication, Deeper Connection and Reduced Conflict."
Join us for this weekend designed to improve your communication skills and reconnect you and your partner in an historic inn on the beautiful coast of Maine.

This holiday season, give your loved one the gift that keeps on giving - a weekend experience designed to help the two of you to fall in love with each other all over again.
You're worth it!

Space is limited - only six couples, so call now for more information, or to register.
CALL: 207-439-4267
EMAIL: meredithmediates@aol.com

"What To Do When You Hate Your Job - Tips For You and Your Spouse" BlogTalk Radio show 11/6/13 8:30 PM

Hate your job? Or does your spouse hate his/her job?
If so, you don't want to miss this episode featuring guest career expert Andrea St. Jean. We'll be looking at the impact of job misery on individuals and their partners, and how certain attitudes and actions can make all the difference.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in or to join us live on the air with questions or comments.
If you can't make the live show, go to www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to find the recording.
Hope you can join us!

Happy Halloween! Remember To Take Love Where You Find It!

                      It may be Halloween, but don't let love scare you away!

Information Overload

I spent all day today taking an online social media training. I think I learned a lot, but it's hard to say, as I'm now in "brain scramble" mode. Is it just me, or do any of you get totally overwhelmed when you learn a bunch of new, foreign things? I end up feeling excited/inadequate/determined/bewildered/curious, etc.  It's odd, because when I teach people in relationships new skills I always encourage them to not get too fancy or hard on themselves - to incorporate and practice baby steps until they get more proficient, and to congratulate themselves on little pieces of progress.

I think I'll try to take my own advice, and not stay up till the crack of dawn attempting to master the new information in one fell swoop. So, if my Instagrams appear upside down, or my Facebook posts show my own "likes," or my Tweets have five redundant hashtags, please be patient while this old dog learns some new tricks. And I'll try being patient with myself... ;-)

Fix Something By Doing Nothing

I think that procrastination and lack if action get a raw deal in our culture. In Latin countries they extol the virtue of "Mañana," the concept of getting to things tomorrow, another day. They seem to live in a more relaxed way, not as stressed with the immediacy of the "to-do" list as we are in the U.S.  So, I've developed a handy mechanism borrowed from that mindset, to solve some problems in a more carefree way. Here are some examples:

• Going through the mail: Instead of sorting through all the obvious junk mail to see where you'll get a great deal, just ignore it for a few weeks. You'll then notice that all the coupons for $1. lattes, $15. oil changes and $1. burgers have expired! Dump it all and problem solved!
• Responding to emails: Instead of scrupulously answering the hundreds or thousands of inbox communications, do nothing with the ones that aren't from loved ones or creditors. You'll be amazed at how the rest of the pile just seems to fade in importance and relevance. Again, most of the "deals" which seemed so compelling a few weeks ago, will likely have expired, and somehow you'll go on living.
• The TV remote, your answering machine, your fax and your printer going haywire: I've found that if I ignore the malfunctions for a few weeks, it not only forces me to engage less with my devices, but it also gives them time to fix themselves, which they usually do!
• Folding the laundry: Instead of stressing about the enormous pile of towels, sheets and underwear in the clean basket, simply pull out what you need each day. Before you know it, the basket will be empty and nobody (unless Martha Stewart is visiting), will know or care that you've done nothing in the folding department. If they do care, maybe you should re-think that relationship...
• Cleaning the garage: Instead of making weekly dates with yourself to thin out all the junk you've collected, do nothing and let it accumulate until there's a hurricane or snowstorm predicted. Then you'll be amazed to see how quickly and efficiently you clear out the debris in time to save your car from total destruction.

So, I say "Don't worry, be happy! Do nothing, and sometimes you'll accomplish a lot!"

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS.  If this attitude creates a lot of guilt for you, or you suffer from perfectionism or compulsivity, feel free to contact me for some in-person or remote sessions. Call my office at 603-431-7131 for an appointment.

Marital Conspiracies

"All you need to do is to augment the salad."

It's what I say to my husband Thom about three times a week when we touch base before coming home from a long day at work. He generally calls and asks what the deal is for dinner on a midweek night. I know he's exhausted, and won't be very chirpy about doing anything elaborate for an evening meal when neither of us have given any time or thought to it. So, I tell him this, even when the leftover "salad" now consists of three pathetic pieces of lettuce and a lonely chunk of tomato in the bottom of a giant bowl. (Not to mention the fact that there's nothing else in sight for dinner). I know if Thom gets home first he'll add Spring Mix, onions, tomatoes, celery, carrots, pumpkin seeds, nectarines, Feta or Blue cheese and who knows what else to the salad he's "augmenting." But if I ask for that beforehand, my sweet natured hubby will get very cranky - and I don't want to come home to a cranky hubby at the end of a long day with cranky clients.

"Augment the salad" has now become code for any unsavory requests we want to make more palatable, by minimizing them to each other. Last night it was putting the kayak holder on my car in the dark, so I'd be ready for today's excursion to Newcastle at the crack of dawn. Two days ago, it was re-attaching a rewired lamp to the wall by my reading/writing chair. On Tuesday before going to work I had to "augment" his "salad" by helping him haul and unload a house-sized trailer of brush to the dump (which was then closed!) Two days before that, it was a "five minute job" of helping him take four air conditioners out of their windows and into the garage. The "salad" list goes on and on.
It's a weird, conspiratorial folly we embrace by default.

So, how do you "augment the salad" in your marriage?

"75 Habits For A Happy Marriage" BlogTalk Radio Show with Ashley Davis Bush 9/23/13 8 PM EST

Here we are at the end of another week. Has it been a loving one in your marriage or has it been the usual rut?

Did you kiss you spouse or tell him you love him?

Did you spend any quality time alone together talking openly about things that matter to each of you, or were you consumed with the kids, the bills, work, screen time or chores?

Did you make love or touch each other tenderly, or were you physically on separate planets?

Did you laugh when she said something cute?

Did you apologize after an argument?

If you answered "no" to most of these questions, then you might be in a marital rut!
You should NOT miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode tomorrow night, Monday, September 23rd at 8 PM EST! My co-host will be Ashley Davis Bush, a Huffington Post blogger, therapist, and the author of "Transcending Loss" and "Shortcuts To Inner Peace." We'll be discussing the goldmine of ideas for lasting marital happiness in her newly published book, "75 Habits For A Happy Marriage."
You don't have to go to the south of France to refresh your marriage. There are tons of small, everyday things you and your spouse can do to revive a wilting marriage or keep a happy one, happy!

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments. We'd love to have you! If you can't make it, go to The Couplespeak Relationship Forum on BlogTalk Radio, and you'll find the recorded show shortly after we air it.

Happy marriage,
Susan Lager