Battle for The Truth

If you're in a marriage or any kind of long term partnership, after the initial rose-colored glow has worn off, you've probably had the unpleasant experience of each seeing the same events very differently. Either you remember the "significant" details around the situation differently, or you have alternate realities about who said what, who did what, what was decided or who's to blame. Sound familiar? If it does, you probably have also experienced some of the unsavory effects of this disconnect - like hostility, mistrust, disappointment, or hurt. If so, unfortunately, you're in good company with half the planet.

I call this situation the "Battle for The Truth" - as though there were an objective reality or single "truth" to events. The hard thing is that "The Truth" is all about individual perspective, observation and context, so you may already realize that arguing over "The Truth" is usually fruitless.

If you'd like to learn more about how this plays out in relationships, signs it's happening, long-term effects, and tools to put down your weapons, then tune into a terrific BlogTalk Radio program scheduled for Tuesday, February 2nd at 8PM EST: "The Texas Conflict Coach." Host Pattie Porter, a famous conflict expert is having me on as her guest. Join us live on the show with questions or comments by calling (347)324-3591. If you can't make the live show you can hear the recording on BlogTalk Radio at: http://www.texasconflictcoach.com/category/upcoming-shows/

Either way, hope you can join us!

"Living with Loss - A Conversation with Ashley Davis Bush" BlogTalk Radio Episode on Monday, 1/18/16 at 7 PM EST

Tune into my next 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode "Living with Loss - A Conversation with Ashley Davis Bush" on Monday, January 18th at 7 PM. Ashley and I will discuss the process of grieving - the realities and the myths, as well as tools for coping, from her latest book, "Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss." 

When we lose someone, it's easy to feel unmoored. We have to find a new rhythm to our days and new ways to connect to the ones we've lost. Ashley Davis Bush offers just that.
Ashley's book is filled with small lifelines and glimpses of hope for coping with the death of a loved one. Included are daily meditations offering comfort and tools for how to move on, living with gratitude, compassion and meaning. In this BlogTalk Radio episode Ashley will share key points from this latest goldmine of a book.

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW, is the internationally bestselling author of six self-help books, including the classic "Transcending Loss." She is a compelling and wise presenter, having appeared on many television and radio shows.

Call 877-497-9046 on Monday, January 18th at 7PM EST to listen, make comments or ask questions. You'll be glad you did!

 

 

Are You a Time Optimist or Just Inconsiderate?

My husband and I still have a ridiculously predictable ritual: We agree to do some errands together on a weekend, often involving returning or searching for an item in a Marshalls or T.J.Maxx store. I tell him I'll be ten minutes, he says "ok," and half an hour later I'm still in the dressing room frantically trying on deals of a lifetime while he's outside, aggravated, saying he should have brought a book! As someone who is generally considerate of other people's feelings, I apologize and we agree not to shop together in the future, because I lose all sense of time, and he hates to wait. He forgives me, and all is well......until the next time.

Here's another similar scenario: I have a family member (whom I won't mention by name), who is joyful, highly creative and full of intense energy. He does everything with tremendous passion. Unfortunately, that usually means fixing or building something, or solving some complex problem "in no time" while he makes his wife wait for him to go somewhere or do something else. He's a loving, thoughtful husband who somehow lives in the doghouse much of the time in his marriage. Luckily, he too has a forgiving spouse who adores him.

Are we folks who chronically underestimate the time it takes to do things really just inconsiderate of others? Do we all have ADHD? Are we disorganized or are we just "time optimists"? I like to think that it's the latter category - chronically underestimating the time it takes to do things. When our son was about eight years old he remarked one day that I seemed to always be "missing ten minutes!" How astute! - yet it took me another nine years to realize that I could leave for work ten minutes earlier and not be crunched for time - that inevitably, en route to work I'd get caught behind a school bus or an old lady driving fifteen miles an hour, no matter how well intentioned I was about not being late for clients.

These days, I still try to add at least ten minutes onto the estimate for the time needed for just about everything in life. I've relinquished myself to the "higher power" of Geologic Time - that no matter how fast I can do things, the world still moves very, very slowly. I can tell you that  this practice lowers your stress level, makes everyone around you feel much less irritated, helps you enjoy the scenery behind old ladies and school buses, and can even improve your marriage! The only thing that I can't vouch for is what happens when you hit a sale in your favorite store....

Obsessions, Fixations, Preoccupations and Manias

I haven't been blogging for more than a month, not only because of the holiday busyness, but because I have an overactive brain which got hijacked by an obsession for grain-free, low carb cooking and baking. I've discovered several websites which tout tons of recipes for healthy, wheat-free, sugar-free breads, cakes, soups, muffins, appetizers, candy, etc., all part of the "Wheatbelly" crusade. I'm hooked. I'm like a junkie on crack. I'm often up till 1:00 AM immersed in a world of other "junkies" who spend every kid-free, husband-free, (I'm not being sexist, it's mostly women), moment making these healthy treats, and blogging about it on their sites. I call one bunch the "Mad Midnight Popsicle Mavens." (They really started me on this mania, with their mouthwatering pictures of their mostly sugar-free creations).

This obsession actually started for a logical reason. I'd been suffering with acid reflux and asthma for several years, often rudely injecting itself into sessions with clients, with me either wheezing or choking for a period of time, on their dime. Clients were always very understanding, but I couldn't tolerate feeling like an old coot, so I did my homework and found out about grain-free eating  as an antidote in the Wheatbelly research. Thankfully, this way of life has helped enormously, but with the mixed outcome of creating a new "mania," as I like to think of it - not a mental illness, but a happy passion. So happy, in fact, that I could forget to sleep, if I allowed myself, but I generally don't.

So, what's the point of this tale? To let anyone out there know that if you too are prone to fixations, preoccupations and manias, to be aware of how and when you allow them to rule your world. Do you forget to pick up your kids at daycare because you're in a happy shopping trance? Does your obsession with learning an instrument trump paying the bills? Do you neglect your spouse because you're fixated on a new puzzle? It's all a consciousness and balance game.

Anyway, I gotta go. The sugar-free cookies are calling....

Are You a Shopaholic? Take the Test Wednesday, 11/18/15 on BlogTalk Radio at 8:30 PM EST

If you've ever wondered if you have a shopping problem, or if it's just benign "retail therapy," and you're readying for the holiday spending season, then this next BlogTalk Radio episode is just for you.

Tune into my next 30 minute BlogTalk Radio episode "Are You a Shopaholic? Take the Test Before the Holidays; Get 7 Tips for Help" - Wednesday, November 18th at 8:30 PM EST. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with questions, comments or (horror?) stories. Learn about whether you may have Compulsive Buying Disorder, or if your 75 pairs of shoes is just an extreme love of style. 

If you can't make the live show you can listen to the recording anytime afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

 

Love is the Victor

I'm writing this in the aftermath of the most recent terrorist attack in multiple locations of Paris, apparently the 289th attack of 2015. There's no apt way to describe this scourge of hatred and violence perpetrated against innocent people all over the world. What stands out after each horrific incident however, is the heroism and altruism of first responders, and the humanity of people identifying with the experience of violation and loss. The victor is love. What survivors of these attacks recount, is how, in the midst of the violence, when they didn't think they'd survive, they focused on the enormity of love they had in their lives, thinking they were saying goodbye to all the people who were precious to them.

I think the lesson in all this mayhem needs to be love - not only for your family and friends, but for all the people who have helped you, been kind to you, given you inspiration and support, or just made you laugh. If we could all give more energy each day to feeling and showing appreciation and love to the people around us we'd not only be physically healthier, but emotionally more robust, and spiritually more at peace and in harmony with  all of life. If we didn't wait for a catastrophic moment but instead made a daily habit of focusing on this gratitude and our common humanity, we'd be happier, more connected, and more loving as a species.

BlogTalk Radio Episode Tonight: "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" (Wed. 10/21/15) 8:30 PM EST

If you've ever felt stuck in conversations which seem to go nowhere, and feel
the need for some good skills in this area, then don't miss this episode!

In this next 30 minute BTR episode tonight, (Wednesday 10/21/15)
at 8:30 PM I will teach you a vital, secret tool for better communication,
especially when there's conflict surrounding an issue.

Call in live at toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with questions
or comments. If you can't make the live show catch the recording at:
www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager anytime at your convenience.

If you or your partner tend to shut down, retreat, or yell at each other when                          you disagree, and the "conversation" goes south fast, then this show is for you.             Moving forward, you'll have the means to talk more calmly, take turns, listen                  better, lower reactivity and move toward solutions faster.

I hope you can join me!
Cheers,
Susan                                                                                                                                                                  *P.S. To get my book "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" click on the link below                             to find it on my Amazon store. There are lots of tips and tools in there for better                       communication.