Try New Things In The New Year!

Hello Reader,

Now that all your  presents are unwrapped, (and hopefully, already paid for), the guests have gone home, (or if they're leaving from New England, they are TRYING to go home amidst this post Christmas blizzard), the leftovers are in the fridge, (hopefully you have leftovers, and didn't eat it ALL), you're filled with more good memories, (hopefully it wasn't a nightmare holiday), and you too, are looking forward to the New Year, with new chances to do better, or to just do some new, adventurous things.
As for me, I've taken the big plunge, and am about to go live with my first BlogTalk Radio show episode, "Radically Raise Your Relationship IQ in 2011", airing on Thursday, 12/30 at 11:00 PM for all you nightbirds. The call-in number is 1-760-542-4114, if you want to just listen, or make comments, or ask questions. But please, go easy, I'm new at this, so don't scare me off the air. The next episode after this, (if I haven't run off to outer Siberia in humiliation), is in about two weeks. I should have a toll-free number, and a co-host yakking with me about some relationship issue. (I'll keep you posted about the details, SO many people are SO shy, it will take awhile to find the intrepid souls who aren't afraid to embarrass themselves). Oddly enough, so many of them have so much wisdom to offer!
So, other than obvious self-promotion, what's the point?  Try new things in the new year, or you'll get stale and rusted! I'm taking my own advice, and doing many new things, thinking, what's the worst that could happen? Failure? Mistakes? So what? Unless we get hit by a truck, there's usually more chances to do whatever it is better, or to let it go. Mistakes, as I say, are "valuable information potentially used for new learning". Here's to courage! Here's to mistakes!

Gotta go help shovel, the snow has arrived, and the Snowblower Guy, my husband, probably could use the moral support.
Susan Lager
PS.  Check out my website, How To Be A Better Couple, subscribe, and get a bunch of free information about relationship issues and tools. (Through this site, you get exclusive access to unpublished reports, and information of mine.)
PSS.  Enter the (anonymous) poll at the bottom of the blog, I'd love to see what you think.

Revised Christmas.... Better?

Hello Reader,

     Here's a simple entry about the power of simplicity.  Our family is in a very labor intensive phase of careers, all of us simultaneously. Too much to do, never enough time, but lots of drive and purpose.
We're in the midst of a social experiment -- none of the usual elaborate decorations, painstaking gift choices, piles of money spent, and frenetic preparation. Instead, very simple sprucing up, a special, but no fuss Christmas day dinner, donations to a few, favorite charities, and together, the next day, a trip to Boston to the Museum of Fine Arts, historic sight-seeing, a delicious brunch, and later, dinner in some exotic restaurant in Back Bay.  No pressure, no racing around, no fuss, no worry!  Simplicity, meaningful giving, and family time........

Good night,
Susan Lager
PS.  Check out my new Facebook page: Susan R. Lager On Facebook
PSS.  Enter your anwers in my holiday poll at the bottom of this blog-- I'm interested in your thoughts.

Beware Of The News!

Hello Reader,

     I came home tonight after a long, satisfying day working in my private psychotherapy practice. There were many meaningful moments filled with honesty, struggle, compassion, celebration, and hilarity. It was a good day, and I felt honored to have participated in these moments with clients. I arrived home to a roaring fire, and a wonderful dinner cooked by my husband and son. There was some earnest conversation, then a decision to check out the evening news. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!  In less than ten minutes, a story about a Maine mother awaiting DNA results identifying the possible remains of her daughter likely slain by a N.Y. serial killer, the discovery of two human skulls on display in a box on a Boston street, the testimonials of the victims of the madman who "unsuccessfully" gunned down a Florida school board and shot himself to death, the suit against B.P. for negligence in their drilling resulting in 11 deaths, lowered questionable standards for lapband surgery driven by profit, etc., etc., etc.  In less than ten minutes, the warm, cozy feelings vaporized by horror and trauma. Conclusion? Be smarter, be more self protective, and beware of the news!

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager

Martha Stewart Would Be Horrified

Hello Reader,

I have a confession to make. Deep down, I'm a closet Martha Stewart wannabe. One Chanukah-Christmas (we're hybrids, and celebrate both, sort of), I got Martha's "Entertaining" book, and sat in my pajamas for weeks mesmerized by the images of perfect standing rib roasts, elaborate pies, gorgeous appetizers, and eggnog served on antique dinnerware amidst roaring fires, in immaculately clean rooms, all decked out with holly, berries, and winter greens for the holidays. Of course, through the mini-paned windows were scenes of pristine winter wonderland Currier and Ives would have envied. This little trance lived on inside me as I did my best to recreate the pictures in the book. (It never occurred to me that my God Martha had teams of food stylists, set designers, landscape designers, air brushers and the like, to produce this illusion.) (I also failed to notice how smug and chilly and bossy she was, amidst the grandeur).
Fast forward 23 years, post child-rearing, (wonderful, but very messy), post full-time career as psychotherapist, (rewarding, but even messier), to second career as coach, writer, and speaker, (creative and stimulating, but the ultimate "unMartha"). These days, I'm older, and I've lost my innocence. As I still carefully arrange the winter greens in the vases, I forgive Martha for the beautiful fantasy, and I settle into the mushy Italian leather chair which really belongs to our cat Mackey, as I look for the remote, hidden under a pile of bills, ready to watch the news about the world's disasters.

Goodnight for now,
Susan Lager
PS. Stay tuned for my upcoming Blogtalk Radio Show, "The Couplespeak Relationship Forum". (or I may rename it "Couplespeak With Susan Lager")
Whatever the case, I'm sure Martha would have settled on a name by now....

Surviving And Thriving Through The Holidays

Hello Reader!

     How delicious was your Thanksgiving? Hopefully the company was even more delectable than the turkey! Mine was -- my very close "baby sister" from NYC visited me and my family for an extremely fun and relaxing marathon of good meals, intense conversation, movies, sleep(!), sight-seeing, and last but not least, shopping! I hope your holiday was, for you too, a marker of the love and blessings in your life.
If it was more solitary or difficult, hopefully you did stellar self-nurture, and behaved as a best friend to yourself. Remember, you come into and out of this world alone, so it's vital to treat your constant self with  kindness and respect. While I'm on that subject, this self-empathy will serve you well through the rest of the holidays. Be looking for my next Ezine article about managing the holidays more mindfully. In the next day or two it should be published, unless I've unknowingly committed some literary heresy.
For a peek go to: Susan Lager, Ezine Articles Expert Author

Good Night,
Susan Lager
PS. Check out my website for access to more information about relationships:
       HowToBeABetterCouple















    

Giving Up

Hello Reader,

     I've met with a number of very stressed clients and colleagues this past week, many of whom share a similar complaint -- that the path they're on just feels too hard and unrelenting. We all get discouraged at times, with whatever journey we're on, and it can be a simultaneously bleak and relieving thought to "just give up".  Then I heard something very compelling said by one of the nominated CNN "heroes", (a breed unto themselves, a model of integrity and compassion for us all). When asked if he ever felt like giving up his difficult mission, he said "Of course! I give up once a week, then I get back to work, when I've gotten the despair out of my system."
What a great attitude-- legitimize your frustration, designate some time for it, then pick yourself up, and get back to work! I actually used it on myself today. Yesterday, I had multiple frustrations with insurance companies, (the bane of my existence), hassles with technology, and scheduling glitches, so I "gave up!" Today I had several clients who needed to be seen and I wanted to see, amidst an entire day of drilling, paving and exhaust fumes coming from the repaving of the entire rear parking lot. Not to mention the frigid temperature in my office coming through the still broken window (the one a kid hurled a rock through last week), and continued needed preparations for the Thanksgiving weekend with family, amidst my wish to have everything sparkling, and lovely. I had the "I give up!" thought on my way home, then paused, and remembered that I did that yesterday, so it wasn't an option to go there today, that if I really needed to, I could "give up" next week when my "turn" came up again. It was very soothing, and containing and ridiculously funny all at once! Try it, and see what you think!

Good night, good luck, and Happy Thanksgiving!
Susan Lager

"Stop and be thankful!"

Newsflash!!!!!

Hi Reader,

I'm burning the (post) midnight oil again, this time bringing you exciting news!!
I'm about to go live in the next few weeks with my own show on BlogTalk Radio!  It will be a 30 minute talk show about relationship issues, featuring experts in the field of psychology and mental health sharing their insights and perspectives with all of you and with me.
You'll be able to call in live during the show with questions and comments, so it should be VERY interesting, informative, and hopefully, fun when appropriate. Tune in! Here's the web site:
The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

(Next, I'm working on a new formula for maximum health and functioning on four hours of daily sleep.)
Haven't figured that one out yet......

Signing off,
Susan Lager
PS. Check out my poll at the bottom of the blog and enter your answers!

Go Easy On Yourself!

It all started with mean old, red-faced Miss Siegel, my first grade teacher who yelled at me whenever I didn't put some project together properly. From that year on, I became officially "mechanically challenged". To this day, operating the giant snow blower, or fancy new washing machine may as well be a secret assignment to decipher the DaVinci code. It often takes me three minutes just to figure out how to turn off the new TV, and the DVD player, not the streaming video. Don't even ask what I've gone through manipulating HTML code, doing uploads, downloads, and distinguishing directories from folders in this bizarre internet world!!!  But the good (and not so good) news is:  I'm not alone! There are millions of us out there, swearing at the TV, staring at the washing machine, and having a love-hate relationship with their laptops. I've worked with many right-brained clients trapped in a left-brained world, wondering what's wrong with themselves, stymied by online bills, ATM's, and the ultimate mystery of resetting their car clocks. Over the years, our work together has been a combination of gentle self-acceptance, and self-challenge, i.e. where did this script come from? and how to push yourself outside your comfort zone to master new skills? Recently, I heard that Albert Einstein couldn't tie his own shoe laces (!) So, go easy on yourselves, Right-brainers, maybe your car clock eludes you, but just think, you could instead create the NEW Theory of Relativity!

Goodnight and good luck,
Susan Lager
PS.  Check out my latest video about thankfulness on YouTube!
       Susan Lager's Youtube Channel
PSS.  Also check out my poll at the bottom of this blog and enter!

An Antidote To Poison Thoughts

Hello Reader,

     For the third time in a single day, the evil thought insinuates itself in my brain: "Your life will never be easier, never, ever.........."  (Here's the short version of the context):
- a second disaster at the same ATM in one week resulting in another chewed up deposit
- a kid hurling a rock through my office window in the middle of a session
- my car needs to be registered, now!
- I'm two weeks late mailing my nephews' birthday presents, I'm a bad aunt.....
Need I say more? So what do I do when the poison self-talk seeps in? (while I'm stuck in a traffic jam on the bridge under construction)?
I roll up the windows and at the top of my lungs shout:  POISON WORDS!  POISON WORDS!  POISON WORDS!  And before I can reach the final part of the antidote (challenge the deletions and distortions:  Never easier? Easier than what? Ever? Your whole life?), I'm laughing out loud at my own drama. It's a grade B movie. Get over yourself, Susan.
So what are your poison words?

Wishing you a more pleasant ATM visit,
Susan Lager
PS.  Check out my latest published article about forgiveness after an affair at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
PSS.  Also check my poll at the bottom of the blog and enter your answers!

Challenge Myself

Hi Reader,

     This weekend I pushed myself to do something I would never imagine myself doing. I did a coach training weekend online, sitting on the couch glued to the computer for 18 hours with a bunch of strangers from all over the U.S. and Europe.  We forfeited an entire Fall weekend, (luckily it was pewy), and did exercises requiring us to be emotionally naked. And on top of that, it wasn't my familiar therapy frame, it was "Greek", forcing my brain to do gymnastics! I tried something totally foreign, from another planet, and guess what? Nobody got killed! The group members made each other cry, chuckle, and feel totally understood around acknowledged dreams.  One dismantled roadblock was that people from all walks of life, in different circumstances can not only make a meaningful connection in very little time, but also inspire each other to change and grow.  So as I sit here a bit cramped up and numb in the joints, I feel looser in other important ways, really glad I challenged myself.  Here's a quote about this subject you may enjoy:
"Above all, challenge yourself. You may well surprise yourself at what strengths you have, what you can accomplish"-- Cecile Springer

Goodnight folks,
Susan Lager
PS. You can access lots of information about making changes at my website:
       How To Be A Better Couple
PSS.  Check out my poll at the bottom of the blog and share your thoughts!

"Take love where you find it", says Susan Lager, your Closer Couples Coach

Managing Mistakes

 Hello Reader,

     I had a cocky friend who made a really big, unchangeable mistake. He noticed blood in his stool for a long time, and did what he always did with uncomfortable situations-- ignored it, figuring it was no big deal.  He continued to bleed, and have other symptoms which he dismissed, putting off a colonoscopy, even though he was 56 years old, and well within the age range for the test. Sadly, three years later he died of colon cancer, a consequence which might very well have been averted had he dealt with his symptoms earlier. Many people, like John, either ignore negative feedback, or get immobilized and "go catastrophic" when they've made a mistake. Many mistakes, when viewed dispassionately, however, are not earth shattering or fatal. If you change your thinking about a mistake, it can open amazing change. Instead of framing it as your own stupidity or carelessness, think of it as VITAL INFORMATION POTENTIALLY USED FOR CORRECTIVE ACTION AND IMPORTANT LEARNING.  (When you're in a close relationship, I can assure you that your partner will greatly appreciate this calmer, more grown-up approach to mistake management):
1. Indulge your fit briefly to get it out of your system.
2. Take some deep breaths and rate the mistake on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being a fixable annoyance,  and 5 being something catastrophic and irrevocable.
3. Think of remedial action plans A and B if the mistake is in a "fixable" category.
4. Implement the corrective actions, then notice the effect, or "read the feedback loop" as I say.
5. Reflect upon the lesson learned and how you can apply it to future behavior, so you don't become a professional victim in life.
6. Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, it's part of being human.

Goodnight for now,
Susan Lager
PS. You can access more relationship insights and tools, including my new Merchantcircle newsletter at:
How To Be A Better Couple
PSS.  You can also see my latest "Relationship Tip of the Week" videos on my YouTube channel:
Susan Lager At YouTube

Susan Lager, The Closer Couples Coach found at www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Imperfect Action

Hello Reader!

     It's been awhile since I've been "here" because I haven't figured out how to get 36 hours of productivity, (and a bit of fun) into a measly 24 hour day, only 18 of which I'm awake. I always find this time of year to be very schizophrenic-- warm weather, cold weather :  cotton or wool?  Gorgeous foliage, seasonal chores: fabulous play or raking leaves, removing screens, stacking wood, storing outdoor furniture, removing air conditioners, cleaning gutters, trimming the garden beds, bringing down winter garments, removing summer garments, cleaning the hot tub, painting the trim, repotting the annuals, cleaning out the garage to make room for the cars so when there's 2 feet of snow we're not housebound, changing the quilts so we don't freeze to death in our sleep, "dressing the house" for Fall so if Martha Stewart drops by she doesn't have a heart attack, paying quarterly taxes so the IRS doesn't put me in a cell with "Bubba", etc., etc..........
My solution? One measly thing at a time..... Chip away at the mountain, bit by bit, know that it will never be perfectly "done!"  Imperfect action is better than none at all, and far less crazy than perfectionism. Today a client summed it up perfectly when she quoted her 90 year old aunt:
"Take it from me, sweetie, the first 87 years are the hardest, so don't fret!"

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager
PS.  Go to my website, sign on to get free reports, and now my first newsletter with Featured Expert,
Katherine Frick, discussing the uses of Mind-Body science for couples!
How To Be A Better Couple

The Power Of Persistence

Hi Readers,

     Don't ask what I'm doing up at this ungodly hour.... I'll tell you anyway.  Just finished an interview for The Manchester Union Leader Sunday News (in New Hampshire) about why couples are living together outside of marriage and even having kids, without getting hitched.  As usual, I had lots to say, so look for it online Sunday, 10/17/10 !
     Also, as a testament to dogged determination I just uploaded my first YouTube video introducing myself and my Couplespeak business. Mind you, the first two uploads I didn't get quite right, so all you saw was my frozen smiling head-- no action, no sound. Even so, I thought for a technically-challenged, right-brained person, it was quite a feat to make the video, caption it and get it online. So what if I was just a frozen head, we all need to celebrate the small victories where we can find them! With the help of my in-house, tired "tech support" it's been taken down and the new Talking head has replaced it!  I say, the longest journey starts with the smallest step.  If I can do it, you too can face down your boogeymen!
Persistence, persistence..........

Good (morning!)
Susan Lager
PS.  You can access my series of Free Reports about all kinds of relationship issues through my website:
        How To Be A Better Couple

Visualizing Goals

Hello Reader,
     There's an little story about three bricklayers I'll share with you:
Three bricklayers were toiling away together, in the hot sun. An old man came by, noticing the work in progress. He asked the first bricklayer, who seemed quite downtrodden, what he was doing. "I'm laying bricks, can't you see that?!" the worker barked. The old man then asked the same question of the second bricklayer. "I'm a building a wall, of course", sighed the worker with resignation.  The old man then turned to the third bricklayer, asking him the same question. "Why Sir, I'm building a beautiful cathedral which will soon grace us all!", the worker beamed, full of pride.
What's the point, you ask?  Think about it, when you're investing time and energy doing difficult things for the sake of your marriage or partnership. Think small and "lay bricks", or think big and "build a cathedral".
Then notice your attitude, energy level, and success or failure.  It may surprise you!

Have a great day,
Susan Lager
PS. Check out my new website offering a series of free reports about relationship issues:
      How To Be A Better Couple

Intolerance On Campus

Hello Reader,

     Like so many millions of others, I was so saddened and sickened to hear about the tragic death of Tyler Clemente, the Rutgers freshman who commit suicide after being so cruelly and publicly outed by his roommates. Among the many issues central to this story, are two that stand out for me as a psychotherapist and coach: Intolerance, and "Unthinking", or unconsciousness.  Obviously, filming and publicly airing footage of a gay man having sex with another, is predicated on homophobic sadism, so the perpetrators have actually just unwittingly outed the darkest parts of their own psyches. They will have to face their own intolerance and cruelty, and live with the consequences somehow. But it's also the issue of committing this violation of privacy and decency, probably framing it as a "joke", and not thinking through the consequences of such an act on the heart and dignity of a fellow classmate, that's the clincher here. As a psychotherapist I find unthinking acts, unless they are ones of kindness and generosity, to be very dangerous and damaging.
It's the ultimate copout to not think through the possible immediate and long-term effects of one's own behavior on others. One's own "moment of hilarity", or "thrill", can become a lifelong legacy of pain for the recipient, in this case, pain so intolerable, that the young man ended his life jumping off a bridge.
My biggest wish for all of humanity is to not only grow more open-hearted tolerance for difference, but to commit to thinking through to the impact on others-- to be more conscious (and empathic) in all relationships. What a world we'd have if everyone worked harder on this every single day!........

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

Say What? Better Communication Skills In A Relationship

Hello Reader,

     Several times in the past few weeks I've witnessed couples struggle with avoidable misunderstandings.
John and Jane have a brief late night conversation about a hot-button topic, they keep going until they're exhausted, and go to bed, thinking it's resolved. Over the course of the week each one proceeds with their own version of the "agreement", until the "alternate realities" become apparent in an explosive fight.  Each is hurt, offended, and feels negated. Familiar scene?
Here's two tips from a seasoned spouse and couples therapist to avoid the mayhem:
1. STOP when you're tired -- it only produces distortion! Tomorrow's a new day.
2. When you think you've reached a resolution, don't just walk away to water the garden or walk the dog. Instead, Restate Your Takeaway. Reiterate, in your own words, your understanding of what the conclusion was and why. If your partner nods, it's good, you got it. If your partner tries to throw a plant at you, it's not good, you need to ask for clarity, then try again. Now your partner needs to do the same, and when you both feel heard and understood, it's good, now go walk the dog.

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager
PS. Go to my newly live website for lots more relationship tools:
      How To Be A Better Couple

Decisions Made Carefully

Hi Reader,

     It's been a crazy-busy week full of decisions about business things, birthday gifts, how to use the last days of summer, and, most critically, buying a new washer and dryer after the old dinosaurs bit the dust.
The last decision I tried to make as fast as possible, given that my idea of spending a beautiful Sunday in September is NOT at Home Depot!  I was advised by a family member, however, not to commit the future of our laundry to a hasty choice possibly resulting in duller "whites" for years to come. It reminded me of something a client said in a session and gave me permission to share with the world: When it comes to big decisions, either emotional, financial or otherwise, don't be hasty. "Put it to the committee of sleep", and you'll be clearer in the morning about what you need to do.
Well, I'm off to bed, probably dreaming about Maytags, Whirlpools and Kenmores, lucky me....
Night-night,

Susan Lager
P.S.  By the way, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com is live, so you can get your Free Reports now! Go to:  How To Be A Better Couple

Affirmations For Success

Hi Reader,

    I've been thinking about  people who are obviously happy, moving steadily toward their goals, and experiencing success in their endeavors. (Hopefully I'm somewhere on that list too...) It's given me the idea for a next article called "Think Like An Athlete and Radically Change Your Marriage".  Mind you, I know very little about the mechanics of professional sports, can barely tell the names attached to the sport, i.e.:
Are the Bruins hockey or football? It's pathetic, but I do somehow know a thing or two about sports psychology, that's right up my alley! So here's a sports tool you can easily use in your own life, even if you're not about to attempt your own bobsled run in the olympics:
AFFIRMATIONS:  An affirmation is a positive declaration of a condition you'd like to exist, stated positively in the present tense, using the personal pronoun "I".
For example:
I enjoy weekends with my partner.
I love my husband's cooking efforts.
I feel happy in our new home.
I enjoy teamwork with my spouse.
I deserve my partner's attention.

It may seem hokey, but affirmations are a great tool to prime your brain for relationship success through positive visualizations. Try it!

Cheers,

Susan Lager
P.S. My new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com will be live this week, finally! Go there and you'll have access to articles and lots more upcoming information about relationship success.
How To Be A Better Couple

Tom Brady And Coping With Stress

Hello Reader,

     As you may have heard, Tom Brady, the NFL Football superhero, was in a car accident today in Boston.  It was really bad timing, not only for another person involved who sustained injuries, but also for Brady who has apparently been in contract negotiations for some time, and was possibly going to reach an agreement today. In the football world, such an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, doesn't bode well for Brady. He was worried about the other injured passenger, en route to a practice, and awaiting the contract outcome. An average person would have been totally freaked out, and not very functional after this particular sequence of events. But a newscaster said Brady wasn't injured, and planned to attend practice, not because he's callous, but because he has a remarkable ability to compartmentalize.
It made me think of this typical (more often male) coping strategy, and how double-edged it is. It so often disconnects people from experiences and context, and alienates partners, but also enables great athletes and others not to fall apart under stress.
I tell clients to observe the duality of this coping strategy, and figure out when it serves them well, as well as when it handicaps them, particularly in their relationships.
How does it serve you?

Signing off,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for my upcoming article related to this issue available through my new website later this month(!!!!!!) at: How To Be A Better Couple

P.SS.  Also check out my latest published article:
 http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Designing at 2:00 AM!

Hi Reader,

Check out my new logo!




What do you think?

Susan Lager

Shelling Peanuts--A Lost Pastime?

Hi Reader,

     This title wasn't just a random thought. There have been a few images which lodged in my brain, making me think about what is getting lost living in the fast lane, as most of us do.  My husband Thom and I were floating around in our boat near a sandbar today on our favorite lake in New Hampshire.  It was boiling hot out, so we'd read or talk a bit, then take a dip in the lake, pick blueberries, watch the ripples in the water, and repeat the whole sequence for most of the afternoon.  At one point, a smiling, elderly gentleman floated by on a dinghy, arms and legs hanging out, aimlessly headed nowhere in particular, obviously having a grand old time, entirely "in the moment". It was a "shelling peanuts" (on a porch), kind of day. Sadly, I think this kind of energy and attitude, slow and languorous, gets squelched in our busy lives, and something precious to our selves and our relationships gets lost. I encourage clients, (and myself) to be more intentional about preserving this kind of tempo as sacred to our sense of well-being, our connection to the world, and to our partners. And by the way, who got the crazy idea to bring peanuts to us already shelled?

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Any day now, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com
        will be live AND functional, with Free Reports you'll find      
        useful! Then will come E-books, and many more tools to help
        you have happier partnerships.

Blame In Relationships

Hi Reader,

     The other day I got into a heated argument with my (frustrated lawyer) 23-year old son. I accused him / my husband of misplacing the spare key to our house which we keep in a hidden place in our garage. Given the fact that my son Alec NEVER puts anything back where it should be, it seemed only logical that he was the probable culprit, although my A.D.D. riddled husband was a likely runner up. (I, of course, NEVER misplace anything, I'm so perfect.) My outraged son said that the context was highly exaggerated and moot, and that my default position of blaming was NASTY and UNFAIR! (Of course, shortly afterward I found the key in question buried under a pile of beach bags and coolers we all use). But it got me thinking about how often I'm guilty of blaming, and how frequently I see it in my couples therapy practice, and how toxic it usually is. There are a few things we all need to do to avoid the "blame game":
1.  Admit we have been doing it and resolve to STOP.
2.  Think about our own part in a problem & take responsibility for our own role, not project it outward.
     (i.e. me considering how I may also have contributed to the garage mess leading to the missing key).
3.  Consider how we may set ourselves up for being seen as the "guilty party", and change our behavior.
     (Alec being willing to look at the context-- that if he's continually leaving things all over the house,    
      car and yard, it would be logical for others to assume he's also the one who LOST THE KEY!!!!!!)
Thankfully, in our case it ended with a truce and good will.  But if you do it too with some frequency in your relationships, watch out -- it's a relationship "sinkhole"!

Cheers.

Susan Lager
P.S.  Take my newly published Couplespeak™ Marriage Fitness Test at:
        http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Back To School (Of Relationships) Part 3

Hello Reader,

     It's August 24th, and about two weeks away from the end of this glorious summer. (!)   This means that the first task is to let go without being morose, and feeling sorry for yourself about all the endings. You'll be able to do this with more finesse if:
1.  You visualize your summer experiences as precious nuggets of memory in a treasure chest you can open at any point to enjoy alone or together with your partner. All is not lost.
2.  You think about the things you never got around to doing, and resolve to get to them next summer      through an ACTION plan.
3.  You "reframe" the Fall as the Time for New Starts, (remembering that resolution you made to address the one or two problems in your relationship you would begin to deal with.)  Hopefully by now you've gotten curious about your role in the problem(s), as well as your role in the solution(s).  If you're clueless, use your short-term memory to pull up an image of your partner complaining about something you've done or not done. Now imagine a miracle has happened and this is no longer a problem in the relationship.  What do you see yourself doing differently, and what are the markers of change which tell you this miracle has happened? Those behavioral "flags"are your map toward working on your end of the changes. Do one thing differently, then look for the "feedback loops" (acknowledgment of impact from your partner).
School is in session!  Now go to "recess" for a little break before you tire of all this positive action.....

Happy Trails,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my latest published article about the Couplespeak
        Marriage Fitness Test at:
      
       http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

A Day At The Beach

Hi Reader,

     Swimming again, thankfully no sharks! (We all need to appreciate the small things in life)....

With Gratitude,

Susan Lager

Back To (Relationship) School Part 2

Good Morning Reader,

     I've been thinking about this issue of readiness for the coming year since I brought it up. Hopefully by now you've begun to reflect firstly on a particular relationship which feels a bit limp, and needs some TLC.
When you think about the strengths, be straight with yourself about whether or not you've done anything to "feed" them. If not, take a meaningful step by doing one thing to make the other person feel valued or loved. It may be a small gift, or an email or call, or an invitation to do something together soon, or just a conversation about why you care, and what you enjoy about that person. (Unless you're disgustingly mushy, your friend or partner will probably love hearing something from your heart). Don't assume they already know it.  Even if they do, most people love "words of affirmation".
Now think about the one or two problems you've already identified in this relationship, and your part in them. Be prepared to go into corrective action with one change in the coming weeks.  We'll talk about that one later......


Cheers,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Keep an eye out for my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com (which should have been up and running in July, but I've been playing too hard this summer).

Back To School (Of Relationships)

Hello Reader,

     The summer is almost over, and once again I start getting an onslaught of calls in my practice for people who want "back to school supplies" of a sort. I don't mean the pencil and notebook kind, but instead the tools and resources folks need to get back to the work of tending to their relationships as the warm weather winds down, especially here in the Northeast. We all have mixed memories about this time of year-- mourning the loss of the carefree days of summer, and the excitement about the new school year, new teachers, new friends, new experiences, NEW SHOES!!!!  This same "clock" applies to our relationships, with the renewed energy in the Fall for beginnings. I'll be writing about this issue with ideas about specific things you can do to refresh your most important relationships. First do three things:
1.  Think about which one of your relationships feels a bit tired or neglected at this point.
2.  Think about a few strengths in that relationship you need to dust off and expand upon.
3.  Think about one or two problems in the relationship, the circumstances which fuel them, and what it might take to begin a remedy.
Voila!! You've just started your "back to school shopping"!  Now go back to the beach, enjoy the rest of the summer, and know you'll be better prepared for the coming year in the Fall with a few more supplies....


Cheers,

Susan Lager

Swimming With Sharks

Well Hello Again, Reader!

     I realize I've been incognito for awhile this summer. Guess why?  I work in New Hampshire, and live in Maine, on both coasts where we have alot of ocean, beaches, and now, of all things, SHARKS!!!!  People who live in this area generally feel frantic to enjoy the measly amount of warm weather for maybe two months, so must of us play alot of hooky and head for the water. But this year, we have company in the form of 12 foot Blue Sharks, and Great Whites swimming along with us!  And I cannot bring myself to stay on the sand now that my close friend Kathy has turned me into what a Great White would consider a "seal lookalike" by getting me hooked on wet-suit swimming. While all the other (smart) folks squeamishly dip their ankles in the frigid water and run back onto the sand, there we are bobbing about in our suits for hours, cool and happy as clams, self righteous, oblivious sharkbait, surfers without the boards.....
Ain't life grand?

Swimmingly,

Susan Lager
P.S. When (and If) I get out of the water, I'll get back to you with lots more about couples on my soon to be born,
       ( but now pesky) website HowToBeABetterCouple.com

At Home Vacations

Hi Reader,

     It's mid summer, hotter than Hell, and the perfect time for enjoying your hometown if you can't get away. Here are ten tips for the perfect at-home vacation I'll share with you:
1. Treat your home as a hotel for the "vacation" time.
2. Avoid all the usual dull, dreary, daily chores. Commit to not doing any dishes, laundry, or bills for now. If you don't love cooking, get take-out or eat in restaurants.
3. Get unplugged. Stay away from email and phone messages. If you don't want everyone to think you've been abducted by aliens, leave a friendly message on your machine saying you're "vacating".
4. Do some research with your Significant Other about events and resources in your area.
5. Divide the time up, and take turns treating eachother to special days playing "tourists", each taking initiative on your day for all the plans and logistics.
6. Commit to going to some new places you haven't been before, or new activities to you both.
7. If your self-care routines usually feel like drudgery, relax. Have an extra glass of wine or miss a workout. It won't kill you.
8. Connect with some friends in a new way. Remember, now you have the time.
9. Sleep late if you want. Relax all your rules.
10. Talk about things close to your heart. Avoid hot-button issues.

Before you know it, you'll be on "island time" having a wonderful vacation without the worry about your plane getting hijacked, your passport getting stolen, or your wallet getting depleted. Enjoy!

Happy trails,

Susan Lager

Telephone Problems In An Impersonal World

Hi Reader,

     Have you ever started a perfectly fine day with a "benign" call about a billing error or something needing immediate attention, only to discover you're lost in the impersonal world of automatic answerers, and malfunctioning redirects? This was how my beautiful Monday started after a lovely weekend.
I spent half an hour trying to get to the right person at my bank regarding an online billing error, and was directed to no less than eight people, all of whom were very chirpy and courteous, but unhelpful. I then was caught up in the automated system of another online account, and never did get to a human. I decided to give it a rest, and waited to get to my office to complete my calls, figuring my frustration tolerance would improve with the beautiful view. No such luck. It wasn't until my final call to an internet service, that I reached a person on the first try! He was informative, patient, and human. What a relief! When this happens, I remind myself to be in that category, return calls on time, make a connect, and not be another piece of automation in an impersonal world. I then make a point of smiling at toll-takers, thanking people for holding doors open, and avoid anything at all like road rage. Especially if you're lonely, this is like a tonic, and you're part of the solution in what can feel like a cold, impersonal place.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Setting Boundaries With Family

Hello Reader,

     I hope you had a restful and fun July 4th weekend, and if you spent time with your family, you enjoyed them! This isn't usually about having perfect relationships, it's more often about setting boundaries which insure that your personal space or couple's space is honored. This can be as simple as making it clear what arrival and departure times work best, or what to bring to an occasion. It could be as sensitive as giving cues about what subjects are off limits, or what would feel indiscreet. If you are refraining from drinking, setting good boundaries would involve first being clear with yourself about why, and what your action plan is, then if offered drinks, graciously making a "no, thank you" clear to your family. Setting boundaries in relationships protects you and your loved ones from undue hurt, humiliation and anger. And if family members don't honor your boundaries, you might consider whether your requirements are too rigid or harsh, or if you may need to consider another "venue" for contact which may more readily provide more protective structure. And don't fret-- it takes practice to learn how to do it with finesse, so chances are, if this July 4th was a wipeout, next one will more likely be better.

Cheers,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my published articles about relationship issues at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
    
 Also, look for my soon-to-be-launched website full of couple's resources at:
        http://www.howtobeabettercouple.com








    

Quality Time For Couples

Hello Reader,

     What do Hullavators, J-Bars, Slide and Set Saddles, new bathing suits, trailer balls, hitches, Thermos coolers, Porta-Potties, ice cream cones, picnic lunches, juicy novels, and sunsets have in common?
You guessed it! Summertime fun in the sun on a favorite lake, with not only kayaks, but now with our little cruising motorboat! This is the sequel to "Father's Day Celebration With Determination": what started as a gift to the Husband and Father of quality family time for the day, now unfolds into carving out regular quality time as a couple -- no cellphones, no laptops, no "homework", no dishes, no bills, no laundry, no distractions from the shear pleasure of precious time together. It never comes easily or automatically, it requires planning, creativity, collaboration, commitment, and a capacity for joy. If you value it in your relationship, the returns will be immense. (Keep in mind that if you create experiences which involve some novelty, something out of your ordinary routine, you will be ramping up supplies of dopamine and norepinephrine, the "pleasure" chemicals in your brain associated with romantic love!)  So your house will be a bit messier, and your voicemail will be full, but no one will get killed if you create wonderful memories together. It's the "glue" in intimate partnerships, and most of us preserve too little time for quality time together. So start dreaming and together planning some experiences this summer, away from the stressors and routines of your everyday life. Think of all the money you'll save on marriage counseling down the road!

Cheers,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for my latest published articles about couple's issues at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager 
       

The Power of Forgiveness In Marriage

 Hello Reader,

     I witnessed the most amazing transformation in a young couple's marriage this week. I saw this couple for about two years after the discovery of the wife's affair with a coworker. The wife was psychologically out of the marriage, and immersed in shame. The husband was traumatized and obcessed with the betrayal, often in a rage. Through shear force of will we all hung in there working through the crisis, with the prospect of forgiveness almost unimaginable at times. But this week they returned for a checkup session after a few months off, with their new baby daughter, proud and beaming, peaceful and filled with joy, which we all knew was no miracle. They had worked diligently to face the crisis, understand it and their roles in it, and to do the daily work of healing and growth. The wife had to forgive herself for the transgression, the husband had to forgive her for the betrayal, and they each had to commit to changing the culture of their relationship so it wouldn't be so vulnerable again. They had to confront their own humanity in their capacity to hurt eachother, but also to forgive and deepen intimacy. They reminded me that genuine forgiveness usually happens when couples make it a relentless, daily practice, like athletes training for the olympics. It's not a lazy, haphazard process, it's grueling and exhausting, but the ultimate "gold medal" is the sweetest ever....

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Stay tuned for more about the issue of forgiveness and letting go, in articles, teleseminars, and Ebooks you'll find on my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com in July!

Celebrating Father's Day With Determination

Happy Father's Day, Reader,

     It may be a Hallmark invention, but honoring Dad's is really a great idea if you have the energy. My husband Thom, is an awesome father, and certainly deserved to be treated like a king today. So my son Alec and I conspired to do "acts of service" (slave labor), to celebrate. First, we did all the research, then bought and assembled a new Thule kayak rack for my new car so next Sunday when we have the time together, we'll be all ready for our first day of the season on our favorite lake. That's where my husband, the father in question, goes into trance mode floating around looking for lures, old boots, and whatnot underwater. It's like being on happy drugs without the drugs. Then I cooked up a gourmet breakfast we enjoyed on the deck, looking out over our land minus his four eyesore blueberry bushes I transplanted to my husband's front vegetable garden-- (no feat for the faint of heart, the first hole was filled with boulders, not rocks, boulders. The second hole was crisscrossed with giant roots which had to be extricated with an axe.) I thought I was going to have a heart attack, so the last two bushes I repotted into giant deck pots, hauling enormous bags of dirt, wondering about this Father's Day stuff. Oh, I forgot, last night I packed a picnic dinner for the beach where we froze to death amidst the Maine monsoon, but he loved the romantic thought .... Then tonight I whipped up an elaborate Indian dinner fit for a Maharaji, while Alec invented new cocktails using about $30. worth of fruit, but it too was a romantic thought.... Tonight we all collapsed after Alec and I, the two slaves, escaped briefly before the King came home, to cool off with a swim in our local pond. The Father was truly honored. The slaves are happy and ready to escape....

Hope you too honored the Dad in your life, and have Advil on hand,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Have a look at my published articles about couple's issues at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

      

Saying You're Sorry

Hello Reader,

     Watching the news today I couldn't help but shake my head and my finger, (I won't say which one) at B.P.'s  c.e.o. Tony Hayward.  I'm just one of millions of people outraged by his callous greed and  reckless decisions made before and after the oil spill. But the thing that really got to me was the way he said he "was sorry"! Sitting in front of the energy committee hearing, he had the gall to express "regret" for the loss of life and the hardship caused to the families and people in the area, then, when questioned, he in effect said he had nothing to do with the whole fiasco, and didn't know much about many of the fateful decisions made! The net effect was to generate more rage and outrage in the hearing, and all over the networks. The lesson? When you supposedly apologize for something, you need to SAY YOU'RE  SORRY by doing the following:
1. Take responsibility for your behavior, using "I" statements, i.e. what you DID to cause harm.
2. After you go into the details of the situation and your role in it, express remorse and regret.
3. Acknowledge your understanding of the harm done to the other, the hurtful impact.
4. Ask for forgiveness, and acknowledge to the victim that they may or may not grant it.
5. Commit to some form of repentance, some corrective behavior to avoid repeated harm.
What Hayward did instead was what I see in couples work all too often:
"I'm SORRY! ( Get over it!)"
(Maybe watching CNN isn't the best way to start the day)..................

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S. Check out my latest published articles about relationship issues at:
       http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Sunday Night Party

Hi Reader,

     I had the best Spontaneous End of The Weekend Bash last night ever! I'd highly recommend it as a useful "reframe". Here's the recipe for mine:
-- one part lazy gardening earlier in the day, no broken back
-- one part Food Network grilled pork with Blackberry-jalapeno glaze
-- one part couscous-stuffed peppers with basil sauce (from the garden of no broken back)
-- one part warm, messy kitchen
-- one part happy husband watching the sunset over his arugula plants, martini in hand
-- one part happy son with happy girlfriend, laughingly making coconut mojitos
-- one part Yo-Yo Ma playing cello
-- one part louder laughter as son's friend, the supreme character, joins the crew
-- one part competitive storytelling
-- five parts love
Shake together till blended, and enjoy!

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager

Keeping Agreements With Yourself And Others

Hi Reader,

     I've had a number of psychotherapy sessions this week, mostly with couples about how critical it is to honor agreements made with eachother, and how the breaking of agreements erodes trust. The discussion generally led to the issue of promises made to oneself, and how that's part of the whole deal. And I'm thinking, "of course, you can't bail out on your partner or yourself! It breaks faith!"
Then I get home, it's 10:00 P.M., and first thing I do is reneg on my promise to myself to not eat carbs late at night. Oh well, the world won't come to an end if my butt is two inches bigger......
Then I check my emails and again notice the one about technical difficulties with my new website, requiring alot more alien, left-brained problem-solving, so my solution is to bag the whole mess, and maybe follow that fantasy of becoming a roadcrew signholder, and not have to think so much! Who ever needed a website anyway?
Oh, I forgot to mention the trademark fiasco, and my quick solution for that:  I get some return calls from the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office telling me time's almost up to produce all the goods and services I've filed a trademark for, otherwise it's even more money for an extension. (hidden meaning: they took me SERIOUSLY, and expect me to make good on my promise!)  What are they, crazy? My solution? Who needs a trademark anyway? Did anyone ever get killed because they lacked one?
So, gentle reader, if you've ever wanted to shoot yourself for breaking agreements to your partner or yourself,  or even thinking about it, chances are your fancy therapist knows all too well how you feel.

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Maybe I'll surprise you and actually have that website up as promised in July:
         www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Monday Blues

Hi Reader,

     When it's Monday, and you're coming off a long relaxing weekend, don't sweat the small stuff.
Just remember to BREATHE................

Goodnight Bear,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Keep an eye out for my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com for all sorts of resources!        

Happy Birthday To Me

Good Morning Reader,

     Yesterday was my birthday, and it was lovely.  My family had a little breakfast party for me with an elegant table of delicious food and wonderful presents--(among which was a Nook E-reader which I'll use alot if I can give myself permission to sit still long enough to read downloaded books). I was later taken out to lunch by two friends and colleagues, during which we had a heated debate about porn in marriage, an issue which shows up more frequently in my work with couples. Then I tooled around Portsmouth with one of the friends, visiting local shops and shooting the breeze with the owners, some of whom used to work for my husband.  We then strolled around the waterfront at Prescott Park, and enjoyed the gardens and the river scene. Later, I spoke to one of my sisters, who had sent me a beautiful card and a gift, then my husband and I went to dinner at Mombo, a new, casually elegant restaurant in the historic Strawberry Banke section of town. The whole day made me feel special and loved, something which should happen on birthdays, and hopefully often throughout the year. So, Happy Birthday to Me!

Older and happier,

Susan Lager

Oil Crisis in The Gulf of Mexico -- Thoughts About " Wreaking Havoc"

Greetings Reader,

     I  heard another news story today about the oil spill in the Gulf, and some guy referred to it as "wreaking havoc" on the local industry. I won't go into my thoughts about the B.P. fiasco, but I will say that the expression "wreaking havoc" not only describes alot of the aggravation and hardship people inflict on others, resulting from their lousy decisions, but it also describes the misery people create in their most important relationships.  Think about this:  How are you "wreaking havoc" in yours?

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my latest published articles at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Making a Decision To Move Forward

Good Evening, Reader,

     Over the long weekend I was thinking about something Patricia Drain, one of my business coaches, said to me very matter of factly last week as she marveled at my progress transitioning into this world of internet coaching and writing: "You made a decision, Susan!  That was the turning point."  I had long considered the possibility of leaving the familiar haven of my beloved, full-time psychotherapy work, to add writing, public speaking, and training programs to my professional life. After much ruminating and ambivalence, I finally made the decision. I would continue to work with a select group of individuals and couples in psychotherapy, but also work with a larger client base using a coaching frame. Since then, I have been passionately immersed in this change, in what Tracy Repchuk, an internet Guru, calls "massive action"-- nonstop total commitment to one's goal.  In Change Theory there's alot said about the proper use of resources and tools, but that has to be built upon the earlier stage of Contemplation,  resolution of any ambivalence about the change, and MAKING A DECISION.  This is apparent frequently in couples therapy-- "tools" are moot until partners make a decision about where to put their energy-- more of the same, making it better, or getting out. Then the work becomes the lining up of actions with the goal, establishing markers of progress and motivational aids to stay on course. So if you feel frustration about some change you've supposedly wanted for awhile, and it's going nowhere fast, ask yourself, "Have I made a decision yet?"

Decidedly,

Susan Lager
P.S.   In July watch for my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com with surveys, special reports,
          articles, and monthly membership benefits!

Speak Up!! Assertiveness in Relationships and Life

Hi Reader,

     Have you ever placed an order for something, then when it arrives you feel nauseous, because it's horrible, and you're afraid you'll have to live with it for the rest of time? In my case, the culprit was a giant mound of supposedly "dark brown" garden mulch. What kept staring at me instead, was a mountain of orangey, tannish chips which looked like it escaped a Walmart parking lot. I spent some time spreading it in the flower beds, trying to convince myself that it was sort of exotic-looking, or that I was too fussy, and getting carried away with this gardening stuff. Then it occurred to me that I might call the supplier and ask them what they could do about it, that maybe I didn't have suffer with it all season just because I had opted for dark brown, not black.  I was respectful, and clear that they had misnamed it, even when a guy came out to look at it with me, and tried to convince me that the mulch lightens up in the sun. I calmly pointed out that the pile was under a thick canopy of trees where no sun had ever shined, (with a smile), and that I was sure we could come to some resolution. One hour after he left, assuring me he wanted a happy customer, a truck showed up with a four additional yards of deep, dark beautiful mulch. The company earned my undying loyalty for valuing my concern, and it was a lesson in the benefits of saying what you need, instead of feeling like a victim and silently stewing. It's the same in any relationship-- consider your complaint, if it feels valid, voice it, then state the request embedded inside. Commit to assertiveness in your relationships, (even with your landscape supplier), presume a mutually satisfying solution, and chances are you'll get to one.

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for my new article about couples and intimacy at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Speed Gardening and the Revenge of the Sandcherry

Hello Reader,

     Some things in life should not be rushed. Picture this:  8:00 A.M. today after a rare ample night's sleep, I go online to "quickly" pay some bills, looking forward to a full workout in my lovely, cool gym downstairs. It's already pushing 80 degrees outside, and I'm drenched in sweat. Much to my chagrin, I discover my account balance is very short, and I figure out that in a rush, I've mistakenly paid some bills twice in two days, didn't note it, and then had amnesia about the whole thing. (So much for one hour of "efficiency"). Then, when I realize my son Alec is going for a bike ride, and I'll have to wait for his help, I furiously wrangle our Sandcherry bush into its new spot next to the shed by myself. I'm shoveling dirt with lightening speed, making time for the gym "me time" when in my haste, I poke myself in the eye with one of the branches. Now, with one bum eye I finally make my way to the gym where I  have all of twenty minutes left for the workout. I dress and leave for work, and see three clients completely out of focus, because the eye is irritated and demanding attention. I maneuver my way into an emergency appointment with my opthomologist with the one "leisurely hour break" already scheduled. The good news is that it's just a Corneal abrasion, and I'm going to live. The bad news is that I never did get to see how that damned Sandcherry must have looked so perfect in its new home!

All in good time,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my newly published article about an intimacy ritual to be a closer couple at:
          http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Slowing Down

Good crack of dawn, Reader,

     Now here's a topic close to my heart! When is enough, ENOUGH?  I am the queen of overfunctioning, thus we're having these heart-to-hearts often in the wee hours of the morning when reasonable people are sleeping. Even my nocturnal sister says I'm a vampire. What I know for sure is that it can be challenging to set limits, and remember that tomorrow is another day. In my case it relates to enthusiasm and excitement about new projects or ideas, and boundless energy.  For some people, however, it may relate to anxiety, perfectionism, or serious manic states. If you have difficulty stopping, you may need to explore whether there is a physiologic disorder, or psychological issue causing the behavior. Women, who are so famous for multitasking, are often juggling too many balls in the air, trying to accomplish too much in one day. There's also often secondary gain involved, as people around them may capitalize on having a Whirling Dervish in their midst. It may let them off the hook from dreary tasks. One thing I have learned is to work at consciously doing LESS in any 24 hours-- to leave more time to get places, to plan less errands, and to lop off some of my daily "to do" list on the front end. Ultimately, there's greater satisfaction in Less done well.

Cheers,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Stay tuned for my upcoming website chock full of ideas, articles, Ebooks and more at:
         HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Partner Vision

Good Evening Reader,

     When you get in your car and go on a trip, if you are female you know the importance of using a map if you hope to arrive at a decent place in good time. If you are a male, chances are you don't ask for directions, but you rely on your "internal map" to get there. Either way, it's a combination of a vision which provides some structure, and an organic unfolding-- stopping to enjoy the sights, or spontaneously taking some unexpected turns. It's the same way in intimate relationships-- it helps to have an idea or vision for what you want to accomplish together, or how you want to grow, or how you want the "rules" of your partnership to change. If historically you've gotten into some predictable, bad scrapes with eachother, you need to have a kind of map directing you to other dynamics, fueled by negotiated ideas or pictures of where you want to end up. I've seen this unfold in my work with couples quite a bit this week, maybe because it's Spring, and a time of new growth, or maybe because we're all getting smarter about this relationship stuff.
One thing I know for sure is that partner visioning gives couples a destination, and when it's done thoughtfully, couples establish "markers" of change which guide the way. Establishing a direction is usually a helpful thing, unless you're blindly heading North on a Southbound road.

Hopefully moving forward,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for more on this topic, including exercises for implementing partner vision-work on my
        soon-to-be-born website: HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Building a Relationship With Your Life Partner

Hello Reader,

     On my usual morning mad dash to the office (I never said I was a time-management expert), I drive through the intersection of Russell and Deer Street in Portsmouth. Over the last nine or ten months it's been the construction site of a new eco-friendly Marriott Hotel. This spot used to be occupied by the "Parade Mall", a disgusting, sprawling, pre-fab vestige of the 60's which somehow made it's way into the quaint, historic landscape of our beloved seaside city. I watched with glee as this monstrosity was demolished to make room for the new hotel. They blasted out a huge crater and laid the foundation, then over the next few months erected the iron skeleton floor by floor. Through the wintry rain and snow, the construction team added the wood overlay, sculpted out the windows, and day by day fine-tuned all the details until the bricklayers arrived to surface the outside, the part I was most eager to see unfold. How could they possible finish before the turn of the next century, laying brick by brick amidst the frozen New England winter? Much to my dismay, they wrapped the whole surface in canvas sheets, blowing heaters inside them while they mysteriously did their handiwork. Then Poof! One day it was all done except for some outside details like sidewalks, trees, and signs. Now, the hotel is almost ready to open for business, and I'm realizing why I've been so transfixed by the project. Building a hotel is alot like building a relationship. The old, defunct structures must be dismantled to make way for newer, more pleasing and functional ones. There must be a dedicated team working collaboratively day by day, regardless of the weather. A solid foundation must be built to support the entire structure. The labor needs to be divided so all the tasks can be undertaken efficiently, and in reasonable order. Some parts, like the bricklaying, are mysterious. It is a gradual feat of determination, creativity and daring. And it starts, and moves inexorably forward, with love and vision.
What kind of relationship are you building?............

Amazed,

Susan Lager

How To Be a Closer Couple

Hello Reader,

     It's been a long, beautiful weekend, and I'm reminded in Spring of a lovely ritual my husband Thom and  I engage in during the warm weather. It always brings us closer together, and I routinely recommend it to my clients who live outside cities, especially those couples who want to create more sharing without the labor of words all the time. Here it is:
Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning, grab a big cup of coffee, each of you, and head outside for your yard or your land. If you start this routine early in the Spring, notice all the new growth and shoots as you both walk around, and take pleasure in the miracle of nature. Smell the earth at last, notice all the green, and look for all the buds you can find. If you have done any landscaping or yard work together, take some time to enjoy the fruit of your labor as you note the garden beds coming alive again. Do NOT, and I repeat, do NOT start weeding or hauling brush! That's work, and this is about a few minutes of shared joy in the world you've created, so don't get compulsively busy! Exchange some ideas about how you both want to improve and expand upon your garden in the coming months, even if you only want to plant a few flowers or a tomatoe bush. Imagine the lovely experiences you'll have with eachother, friends and family in the coming season, and enjoy the anticipation of shared pleasure. Now, say goodbye as you each go off to your work with a thirty second hug to further increase the "feel-good" chemicals in your brains, and know that the day will be a touch softer because of the small intimacy in the morning. (Repeat as often as you can until the snow flies, or it's too freezing to hang around outside).

Goodnight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my latest published articles about relationship issues at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager
        Also stay tuned for my upcoming website Couplespeak.com where you will find an array of
        products and services for partnership problem-solving and enrichment!
    

Accountability, Persistence, and the Exercise Nazi

Happy Friday, Reader!

     I got a new stationery bike for Mother's Day and I'm obcessed with it.  My industrious son assembled it and had it waiting in our basement gym when I came home the other night. We've collected a giant room full of exercise equipment and gadgets my New York City sister says would rival any fitness club in Manhattan, only in ours you're not jammed in with scores of cranky, sweaty people fighting over machines. The gym is my sanity, my sanctuary, where I refuel. When I'm being good, I don't answer the phone or allow any interruptions, only the sweet sounds of the Food Network on the TV while I hit target heartrate on the treadmill, or head for the ceiling on the trampoline. But I think my new favorite will be the bike, which I've actually always hated before The Exercise Nazi came with it. Now, on this model you can insert a card in a slot and Jillian Michaels, the dominatrix from The Biggest Loser, yells at you to keep going, don't give up!!! And she knows if you're goofing off, getting too hung up with the recipes on TV, and losing your focus-- she bumps up the speed or the resistance, and you can't escape!! She and the machine document your every move, and keep you prisoner until you collapse at the end with a mixed sense of relief and pride in your own physical prowess. It's not the same experience being all alone in the gym with nobody to care if I bag it after ten minutes. This way, I'm accountable, someone is The Witness, someone else cares! Don't we all need a special relationship like that?

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Marriage and Bad Hair Days

Greetings Reader,

     Do you remember one of those days when everything that could go wrong, did?  It happens to the best of us, and when it unfolds it feels like a sick dominoes game. My husband had one today, and couldn't stop talking about all the gory details. Then when he was done, he seemed just ducky, and sat down to watch the news (about other people's bad day). Clients of mine often do that, and then seem to feel some catharsis when they've drawn me in as witness to the misery. However, I'm less likely to make the mistake of offering some chirpy spin on the story as a therapist, than I am as a spouse. In an effort to provide support or show empathy to our husbands or wives, I think we often give unsolicited advice, opinions or solutions. Husbands are usually the biggest culprits here, having been trained by the culture to "fix" things. We all need to LISTEN more, and ATTEND to our partner's experience! They'll usually tell us if they need anything else, or they'll just go on with the story...

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my recently published articles about couples issues at:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

When Your Mind is Blank

Hello Reader,

     Today was a productive, satisfying day filled with moving stories, courage and honesty. Earlier, I had all sorts of ideas to write about: betrayals, forgiveness, letting go, resentments, intimidation, fear, etc., but now nothing comes to me, my mind is blank! When I'm in that space it's probably time to switch gears, and do something else, or just BE. Instead of fighting an internal state, it can be relieving and illuminating to honor it by observing it without judgment, dispassionately. So I'm staring back at the cat, and like him, noticing I'm all out of words. When you're in that place you too may need to give yourself permission to do the Eastern, meditative thing, and just BE......

Sweet dreams,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my newly published article about couples and gratitude at Ezine Articles:
         http://ezinearticles.com/?Couples-and-the-Neglected-Practice-of-Gratitude&id=4253371

Mothers and Self Nurture

Happy Mother's Day!

     This was an odd but very satisfying day for me. My son was around only briefly for a speedwalk and then a lovely breakfast he cooked for me. My husband had to work today, so he didn't get home till much later for  our little party. They were both apologetic about not being available longer, and felt a bit sorry for me having to entertain myself on Mother's Day. But, truth be told, after I got over my preconceived notions about the day, (which we all do far too often!) I had a grand old time "dubbing around" as I call it.  I cut flowers from the garden and filled all the vases,  I baked a banana bread,  I retrieved summer clothing from the attic, did my nails, took a hot tub, did some reading, folded laundry, sorted mail, and petted the cat. Nothing glamorous, just various things which provided contentment, a sense of accomplishment, and soothing pleasure. In the therapy business we call it Self Nurture. Women, and mothers especially aren't too swift at it because they are enculturated to nurture everybody else first.
I, however, have become the Queen of Self Nurture partly because I preach it as a vital practice, but also because my therapeutic work could drain me if I didn't. If you lack ideas for how to do it get Alice Domar's book "Self-Nurture". She illustrates all the psychological and physiological benefits of doing it regularly. My advice is, whatever you do to nurture yourself, DON'T do anything which feels like drudgery!

Contentedly,

Susan Lager

Thank God It's Friday!!!!!!

Hello Reader,

     How often have you sighed and exclaimed  "T.G.I.F.!!!!!" ? You've probably collapsed into an easy chair with a big glass of wine and bemoaned the long hours at work, the fussy outfits, your aching back, your pain in the butt boss, the oppressive paperwork, the endless emails, the boring conference calls, the difficult clients, the rancid coffeecups, the office gossip, etc., etc.....
How often have you reflected upon the job well done, the pride of challenges overcome, the heartfelt connections, the silly inside jokes, and the satisfaction of making your own small difference on the planet? Take a few moments to pat yourself on the back for probably doing a few things very right this week. Remember, it's only two days before you can complain about the weekend!

Happy Friday,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Look for me soon on my websites: Couplespeak.com, and HowToBeABetterCouple.com

One Block Away

Good (almost)Morning, Reader,

     Today was one of those bizarre days.  I was already five minutes late for a lunch date with a friend and colleague, furiously rinsing my hair in the shower when the Gutter Guy shows up needing to know where there's a leak in the new system. I race downstairs, wet and soapy, give him his instructions, finish the shower, and race to meet my friend at the cafe. We have a spirited lunch, while at the next table a previous client and his wife are openly attesting to the benefits of couples therapy with me, unfazed by our juxtaposition. Then I race into Portsmouth, and curse a "little detour" created by TV crews, onlookers, and police cars. I'm driving too fast to notice the machinegun-toting swat team, rooftop snipers, and bomb- squad robots surrounding a Greyhound bus on Hanover Street. I proceed with my day of clients, intent on their problems, while one block away the center of Portsmouth is being evacuated due to a bomb threat, possibly a terrorist attack. Meanwhile, one block away from that, my son is sitting in an outdoor cafe with a close friend sipping lemonades surrounded by throngs of shoppers and tourists happily enjoying the glorious spring day.  He and the entire staff have just been sent home from their mutual fund brokerage where everyone had been glued to two TV's: one graphically witnessing the unfolding "bomb scene" nearby, the other documenting the inexplicable 1000 point three hour plunge in the stock market.
I say, it's all a matter of perspective in life.

Sleep tight,

Susan Lager
P.S.  Check out my newest published pieces at Ezine Articles:
         http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

    

How We Manage Hurt Feelings

Hello Reader,

     I've been stewing about something someone close to me said a few days ago.  It was something not  intended to hurt me, but it did, maybe because there was some painful truth to it.  None of us like having our shortcomings noticed and reflected back at us with glaring clarity. In my case I couldn't help but notice my reaction of self-protective withdrawal, even though I knew it would be more productive and mature to talk it over with this person. I found myself feeling bruised and unworthy, and having more impulses to let go of the relationship. I started rationalizing this scenario, talking myself into a cocoon which no hurt or disappointment could penetrate. Then I had a flashback to a loving moment with this person, and realized I'd be "throwing the baby out with the bathwater", that there were other options for managing my hurt which didn't require me to go into exile. We all have choices about how we manage our hurts. A useful first line of action often involves some sort of engagement, rather than a disconnect, unless the Hurter acts maliciously or repetitively. If we can get our egos out of the way, there's usually some possibility for us to learn and grow from the event, and often for the relationship to be stronger for weathering the storm.

Staying on course,

Susan Lager

"My Husband Ignores Me! What Can I Do?"

Welcome back Reader,

     Have you ever felt like you were talking to thin air when dealing with your partner? You make a benign request like "would you mind fixing the screen door this weekend so we can open up the family room?"
It's the third request, your mate has promised to do it for weeks in a row, gets caught up in other projects, says "oops!", and now it's 90 degrees out and you're literally and figuratively frying. You repeat patiently,
you cajole, you bargain, you beg, you nag, you ask what the problem is, and he reassures you there is none, and with a sheepish smile promises he'll get to it this weekend. This may seem like making a mountain out of a mole hill, but cumulatively it becomes a kind of cancer in relationships. I've seen this scenario play out more than once in couples therapy sessions just this week. It erodes trust related to a sense of dependability, and clearly undermines faith in supposed agreements. (Did you say yes to appease me? Are you annoyed about the request and acting out? Are you mad about something else? Or do you just have a brain tumor?) I've found that more often wives hold The List, and husbands "agree".
The Requestor may consider the possibility that their "Honey Do List " has become oppressive. The "Don't Worry, I'll Get To It" Spouse may want to rethink the honesty of their promises. It's always a kinder thing to graciously decline. No one will get killed.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Marital Issues-- A Perspective

Good Morning Reader,

Here I am bright and perky at 8:00 A.M. for a change, instead of talking to you in the wee hours of the morning (1:00 or 2:00 or 3:00 A.M.!) We had a birthday party for my husband yesterday and actually had the common sense to retire early enough to get a decent night's sleep. That happens for me in those rare moments when I feel I've done all I can do in a day, and feel totally satisfied with the results. On birthdays in my family we treat the birthday "boy" or "girl" with not only presents, but delicious meals and gracious "slave services" all day. We make that person the center of attention, and the object of reverence, and our kindness all day. The point is to let them know we are thankful they were born and now are here in our lives. It's actually not a chore, it's a joyful discipline to focus on the positives, and not THE ISSUES you may have with them. After each birthday I wonder why I don't do this much more often with all the people I love, especially my spouse? My last blog entry was about gratitude, this one is about how you express it with words and deeds. There would be many less Marital Issues if we all acted like every day was our spouse's birthday! Try it, it feels great!

Happy day,

Susan Lager

Gratitude, A Neglected Practice

Hello Reader,

It's a rainy Wednesday night in New England, (what else is new?), and I'm thinking about the fullness of my work and the emptiness of people's lives. Once again, I've had a number of encounters with couples who wrestle with disappointments, aggravations, insults, and disconnects in their daily interactions with eachother. I am witness to painful stories, and often fights about who was the bigger culprit. Couples are often so graphic about the misery of their partnerships that I will ask them why they hang on, what keeps them in it? And they look at me like I'm clueless and tell me there's a bigger picture of love and joy and basic respect, and how did I not see that? Now I understand that the therapy context is skewed towards problems, and their solutions, and there's a bias that it would be a waste of time to sit with a stranger and pay her good money to reminisce about fun times. But I think the Complaint Position is also emblematic of our times-- we so seldom stop to "smell the roses". We're all so rushed and overbooked and stressed, we don't notice the things we could be thankful and joyful about. We particularly don't appreciate our life partners the way we should. We read about keeping gratitude journals, and about maintaining a thankful mindset, but it gets lost.
Here's a useful (albeit slightly morbid) Gratitude Practice I invite couples to use as needed:
Imagine your beloved has been hit by a truck and you are called to the Intensive Care Unit to their side. The doctors have told you there is not much time left, that your partner is not expected to make it, and that you should say your goodbyes. What do you imagine you will be feeling and saying about your life with them? What neglected truths will you want your partner to hear about what's in your heart? And if you find yourself praying to whatever your concept of God is, what will you be promising to do if you are given a chance for more time together?
Now backtrack the scene to the present. No fatal crash. Your aggravating partner is alive and well and by your side. Here's your second chance.....

Thankfully Yours,

Susan Lager

Understanding Women-- Be Curious!!!!

Good Evening Reader,


I was on a supermarket line and happened to overhear two jocks complaining about how they were always clueless about what went on in their girlfriends' brains, that females must be an alien species, and that trying to understand them was futile! It took all my self control to not put in my professional 2¢, so I forced myself to be quiet, but loudly had these thoughts:
1. It's not rocket science to understand women, it just takes some study.
2. Don't presume you know what your lady wants/needs. ASK!!
3. Stop going to the default position of Rescue and Fix. It's well intended, but is
often misplaced.

4. Be curious, ask questions, show interest in her heart and her mind.
5. If she's unclear about something, listen deeply for the encoded message by observing her
body language and her tone.

It may take time, guys, be patient and respectful, and it will become clear sooner or later.


Good night, and Good luck!

P.S. I will be offering more detailed information about this subject on my upcoming website at
www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

P.S.S. Check out my recently published article about relationship dilemnas at:


"How Do I Get My Partner Back?" A Therapist's Reflection on the Question, and the Road Through Grief

"How Do I Talk to My Husband?"

Hello Reader,

Have you ever wondered if you were talking to someone from another planet when trying to get through to your spouse?
It's all too familiar in my own marriage, and loudly present in my work with couples. During a couples session today I watched the wife struggle with this question, and the subject was mild, like: what to do with the kids this summer. The husband sighed and looked out the window, apparently the way he usually does when she wants to discuss "an issue". He felt she had just ambushed him again, as she had done in the original attempt at home. My assessment? There was no "header" and no "buy-in"! Partners often don't preface a conversation with "I'd like to talk about _____" (header), and they often don't follow it up with "Do you have a minute?" (buy-in). They just start talking, often about something loaded, and expect full attention and participation, even if their beloved is 25 feet up nailing shingles to the roof. If you too are a guilty party, try having a conversation "by agreement" and see if you get better results, like what to do with the kids this summer, so you can have some time to yourselves!

Cheers,
Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my newly published article "How Do I Get My Partner Back?" A Therapist's Reflection on the Question and the Road Through Grief.
(click on the link)

"How Do I Get My Partner Back?" A Therapist's Reflection on the Question, and the Road Through Grief

A New Day, A New Adventure

Hello again, reader,

As I move forward with this new project of bringing my ideas and knowledge about relationships to the internet, it's like going on a Great Adventure to a foreign place! It is like any huge change-- exciting, scary, uncertain, with lots of possibilities...
Think about any big changes you are making, and recognize that they will involve a "what, am I crazy?" feeling which may take over and derail you. Like me, you need to reconnect with your purpose, establish visible markers of the change process, celebrate them, and KEEP GOING!!! If you are part of a couple changing together, talk about it, and cheer eachother on.

If you see value in the change, you'll get there. Be patient. (I'm trying to).....

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. Look for me on my soon to go live website HowToBeABetterCouple.com for more resources on improving your relationship.

Welcome to My Blog!

Hello Everyone,

     This is the first entry in my new blog, where I will be sharing my thoughts, ideas, and knowledge about couples issues. I have been in private practice as a psychotherapist specializing in couples work in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, for many years, and it's been quite a ride!

The work is amazing, but the constant sitting gets a bit much, so I am launching the next phase of my business -- online services and products for anyone interested in having better, close relationships. I know you have lots of questions and concerns, so I'll be here to help!

Tune in.....

Susan Lager

P.S. Keep an eye out for my websites HowToBeABetterCouple.com, and my "home base" site: Couplespeak.com where you will find articles, special reports, exercises, an Ezine and Ebooks.