October Nor'easter!!! What Else Is New?

It's only October 30th and we, on the glorious coast of Maine are "enjoying" our first Nor'easter! So no power, of course. My husband and I started our day waiting half an hour for a cup of coffee and a thing they call a "eggwhite flatbread sandwich" at Dunkin' Donuts. (ugh..) Then off to Home Depot to spend $2060. for a generator, so we don't have to spend the rest of the winter in the freezing dark whenever it snows here, (which is a lot - double ugh...) Gotta get out the skis and the snowshoes and the snowblower, to make peace with the weather, even though it's OCTOBER! (Better haul out the wool, and put away my sandals).......

This was supposed to be a newsflash about my upcoming BlogTalk Radio Show, "ADHD Couples and Decision Fatigue", featuring Robin Bellantone, a well known, very talented specialist on this subject. It's supposed to be broadcast on Wednesday, November 2nd at 9 PM at BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager, but who knows if we'll have POWER???? If all goes well and we're on, you can also tune in toll-free at: 877-497-9046 to be live on the call. ADHD is a very common issue for couples, so join us (if we're on....) and ask questions or make comments - I love conversation about these kinds of issues.

Gotta go, the frost awaits........

Susan Lager

Marriage Fitness Evaluation

I have just officially joined the InsiderPages.com directory of marriage counselors and psychotherapists, and am offering a one-time "coupon" to clients coming in from that site:

• A one hour Marriage Fitness Evaluation using my unique Couplespeak™assessment. I will meet with individuals or couples, discuss your partnership situation, determine the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship, and offer feedback about a corrective action plan in or out of therapy or coaching. You will be under no obligation to continue working with me afterward.

    It will be at a significantly reduced rate, given this time of year, and the
    financial crunch so many people experience during the holidays.

   *Email me at Couplesctr@gmail.com or call my office at: 603-431-7131
     for more details.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Susan Lager

When To Stop (Anything)!

I've had a nasty sciatic pain going down my right leg for almost four months now (!) At first I thought I'd pulled a muscle, then I thought I'd overdone a workout, then I thought I had a slipped disc, then I thought I needed hip surgery, then I thought I just needed to loosen up the joints in that side, then I thought I probably had a tumor, then I thought I was becoming a hypochondriac. But in all these months it never occurred to me until yesterday that my real problem was knowing when to stop doing what I was doing - exercising just about seven days a week to "loosen it up". In the name of "working it out", in all this time I've continued doing strenuous weighted workouts usually three days a week, and intense speedwalks the other four days of the week. Occasionally when I'm very tired, I give myself a big break by walking in a slightly less maniacal way when I do the cardio, so anyone "with" me is still visible in the background. It's the joke of my family and friends (my Nazi walk), but I love the rush I get from my muscles communing with nature in this way. It's not a competitive thing, as I've never entered a race, and usually prefer doing it alone without even timing myself. It's always been one form of self-care for me........UNTIL the big sciatic puzzle.

Yesterday it occurred to me that to keep doing what you've been doing, expecting different results, is what someone defined as insanity! So I finally got a referral to an orthopedist for an evaluation, and here I am today, actually taking a day off, relaxing, and goofing off!


So, what's the point of all this? I think knowing when to stop is not my unique problem. Clients and friends don't seem to know when to stop:

• engaging with a hostile loved one
• cleaning
• talking
• eating
• working
• nagging
• playing
• helping
• drinking
• shopping
• watching TV - especially "Mad Men,""Dancing With The Stars,"or "CSI"

Look for yourself on this list, and see if you too are in the "insane" cycle. If so, try something new.

Think of me, sitting here, relaxing, relinquishing my dearly beloved Nazi walk! Anything is possible.

A Blustery Day

Yesterday was, as Winnie the Pooh would say, "a rather blustery day!" There I was on my morning speedwalk, getting blown about by wind and leaves, as the sky became intermittently cloudier, then sunny, then cloudy again, with the temperature quite brisk. It didn't do much for my speed time, but I noticed my mood getting lighter and happier with every step.

Why, you might wonder, would anyone in their right mind feel happier as the weather becomes more sultry and stormy?
(Back Story): Over the years doing psychotherapy, I've noticed clients coming in on windy, grey, "bleak" days complaining about the unpredictable, "bad" weather in New England. Many of them are particularly sensitive to the loss of light as the winter approaches ("seasonal affective disorder"), and actually get more depressed in the winter months. When they try to get me to commiserate, I can't hide my glee about the colder, dark, temperamental weather, attributing my comfort with it to my Russian heritage. Clients then look at me blankly, chuckle, and change the subject.
My brother-in-law Joe says, "You New Englanders are always complaining about the weather! Move to Florida and have sunny weather every single day!"
That would be a personal Hell for me. When I was in Italy I found that the only thing I didn't like was the constant, sunny haze. It felt oppressive, and so would constant sunshine anywhere!
Two things:

1. Who said that a cold, dark day is "bad weather"? We all need to be careful about the subjective descriptors we give to neutral things, which then effect our moods.
2. On a blustery day, think about all the choices you have: You can stay inside, get cozy and warm, and read a book, pay bills, or watch a movie. You can stay outdoors and do house projects and chores. You can get in the car and go for a scenic ride, hike in the woods, or go for a bike ride.You can do everything or nothing at all. In or out, there's no pressure like the kind you feel on a "glorious" day to do "fabulous" things.

So I'll take a blustery day anytime, thank you.

Happily,

Susan Lager

Striving For Better

In my psychotherapy practice, I routinely work with clients who are striving to be better partners, better sons and daughters, better parents, better employees, better artists, better athletes, better listeners, better friends. They want better lives and better selves.
The endless striving is, in my opinion, a very mixed bag. The reaching and working toward goals of being better can be a wonderful source of excitement, growth, and focus. But it can also exhaust us, and take us away from the reality of the present moment. The treadmill of aspirations can at times invalidate whatever we are feeling and experiencing right now, or just create unhelpful pressure.
Sometimes, particularly when we feel vulnerable in sadness or anxiety, the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is to slow down, tuck in, and stop striving for awhile, to release ourselves from the "shoulds" and "to-do" lists, and to get quiet and still, and just be. 
The treadmill will always be there, waiting. Try getting off it, at least for awhile, let yourself feel "good enough", and see how peaceful you feel......

To bed "early"(!)
Susan Lager

Waiting

I've been sitting in the intensive care unit waiting room for the past six hours. With other members of my family I've been watching the pager disc, looking for a ring or a vibration, indicating news about my husband's progress in a serious, ten hour surgery he's undergoing.
It was pretty clear from the surgeons that this wouldn't likely be a fatal (or "bloody", as they call it) operation - just complicated and long. Even so, with all the waiting, you wonder:

Will he die? Will I be a widow? Will he come through forever changed? Will our family pull together if the worst happens? Have I been a good enough wife? Did he feel loved sufficiently before he went under the anesthesia? If he needs more help afterward will I be there for him?

The waiting brings up all kinds of uncertainties. Most people hate to wait for things or possibly bad news, especially in the hospital. It often leads to uncomfortable soul-searching about your own capacity, your heart, and your history. It challenges your smugness, your presumptions, and what you take for granted. In a marriage it challenges your devotion, your love, and your commitment. It forces you to examine the status quo, and make some decisions about what you keep, and what you need to throw out.

Waiting may feel like agony, but the shake-up is important, if you want to live a conscious, intentional, growthful life.

Sincerely,
Susan Lager

Steve Jobs Death

It was with great sadness that the whole world learned of Steve Jobs' death today. Even though I'm not a "techie," and haven't followed every incarnation of the Apple line, I too felt a deep sense of loss and awe when I heard he had passed away.
Jobs was far more than the innovator of the Mac, the iPad, the iPod, and the iPhone. For me he was a representation of vision and courage in the face of defeat, not only as he stared down pancreatic cancer for the past eight years, but throughout his life, challenging the status quo and uncertain odds in all his endeavors. He was an amazing model for all of us about how to live our lives. He cherished his family. He followed his passion. He dreamed huge dreams. He took enormous risks. He connected with people's needs, and forged an empire based on what would make our lives easier and more fun. He was brilliant without being a braggart. He honored and inspired his team.
He was an absolute force of nature.
He will be sorely missed, but what a legacy he's left all of us about how to live and die with grace.
Thank you, Steve Jobs, for all your gifts.

Susan Lager

Press The Pause Button

Have you ever wished you could "rewind" a situation and undo some promise or statement you made?
Maybe it was a telemarketer who maneuvered you into some ridiculous purchase, or a committee member who "volunteered" you to run the massive fund drive for the new playground. Maybe it was a good friend who coaxed you into sitting for her kids for the weekend while she left town with a new boyfriend. Whatever the case, most of us have had the experience of saying yes in a moment of wanting to please someone in need, and regretting it soon afterward. Women are often the worst offenders, wired for helping and connection, and conditioned to accomodate, often at their own expense. Then regret and annoyance set in, and we try to slip out of the commitment with some lame excuse. The net effect is that we've set the other person up for disappointment, and possibly an experience of ourselves as unreliable.
What a mess!
Quick fix: When you are put on the spot with a request for your time, your expertise, your money, or some service, before you say yay or nay, press the pause button and

• tell the requester that you'd love to help, but you'll need to look at your schedule or your funds, and get back to them. (DON'T blame your spouse for the pause!)
• do an internal check to see if accomodating this request feels right to you, or if it puts you out in some highly problematic way, or if the request just feels inappropriate.
• make a decision and get back to the other person in a timely way.
• don't make an empty gesture of saying you'll be available later, if that's not true.

This pause process will allow you needed time to make more careful, thoughtful decisions about how and when you share your time and yourself, so when you do give, it's truly from the heart.

Goodnight,

Susan Lager