Try New Things In 2013!

(If you've been wondering where I've been for the last few weeks, I've been shoveling.) Only, kidding, that's just been the scene for the last few hours, getting ready for yet another snow storm, so the new ten inches doesn't collapse the deck with the 6 inch ice base underneath. Ah, New England........

Now that all your  presents are unwrapped, (and hopefully, already paid for), the guests have gone home, (or if they're leaving from New England, they are TRYING to go home amidst this second post Christmas blizzard), the leftovers are in the fridge, (hopefully you have leftovers, and didn't eat it ALL), you're filled with more good memories, (hopefully it wasn't a nightmare holiday), and you too, are looking forward to the New Year, with new chances to do better, or to just do some new, adventurous things.

As for me, I'm about to publish my second workbook called, "Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy."  It's all about how to do better in all your key relationships. It's been quite a haul getting it done, but I think you'll love it as I do, and benefit tremendously from the tools and insights I've provided in the book. You'll be able to buy it on Amazon in late January 2013!

So, what's the point?  Try new things in the new year, or you'll get stale and rusted! What's the worst that could happen? Failure? Mistakes? So what? Unless we get hit by a truck, there are usually more chances to do whatever it is better, or to let it go. Mistakes, as I say, are "valuable information potentially used for new learning". Here's to courage! Here's to mistakes!

Gotta go help with more shoveling. The snow has arrived, and the Snowblower Guy, my husband, probably could use the moral support.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Rescheduled BlogTalk Radio Show Wednesday, 12/5/12 9 PM EST

Don't miss "My Five Point Plan For Surviving and Thriving During the Holidays" episode!
Due to faulty audio it was rescheduled from last month, but is being re-aired just in time for
the rest of the holiday season.
Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 at 9 PM to join me live on the air with your questions,
comments and stories. I'd love to have this be a conversation we can all enjoy and learn from!

If you can't make the live show, you can hear the recorded episode by going to:
www.BlogTalkRadio.com/susanLager

Cheers,
Susan Lager

Finishing A Project

I'm in the home stretch for the completion of my second book, "Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy." I think I now understand first hand what the dilemma is for so many people about finishing a project!

When you're involved in a project which is meaningful to you it's like getting married. You make a supposed commitment to do your best and hang in there "in sickness and in health." You often do it publicly, like having a wedding. You tell your friends and family about it, and they become invested as well, so if you bag it, it's similar to the humiliation of a divorce - you feel like a failure who's let everyone down. Or worse, people don't take you seriously after that around your passions and projects.

Is the solution to just not try to accomplish too much to avoid all this aggravation? No, I think it's a better idea to closely monitor your negative self talk and your possible self sabotaging behaviors, then remind yourself why you bothered with the project to begin with, to reinforce your motivation to get to the finish line.

I'm going to do just that with the book. Not think about it too much, and plow forward, reminding myself why I've bothered. When you see the book posted on Amazon.com you'll know I made it to the finish line. If and when you read the book, you too will know why I bothered.

Cheers,
Susan Lager

"My Five Point Plan To Survive And Thrive During The Holidays" BlogTalk Radio Episode

Newsflash! (Skype happens....Terrible audio on tonight's episode, so I'll spare you).Tune into my rescheduled BlogTalk Radio show Wednesday, Dec., 5th at 8:30 PM to be part of a compelling and timely episode.

I'll share my key strategies for not only managing the holiday stressors likely to create depressive and anxious feelings, but also how to set things up to maximize joy, gratitude, connection and meaning with family and friends. Isn't that what the holidays are supposed to be about?

In this open mic show, listeners are encouraged to call in and share their dilemmas, ideas and stories, to make this episode an interactive experience. To prepare, for less than the price of a latte, callers can get a copy of my original published article, "How To Avoid Disasters At Holiday Family Events" on the Store page of my website, http://www.SusanLager.com

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM on Wednesday, December 5th.  If you can't make the live show, you can hear the recording of it anytime by going to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Hope you can join me!

Using Your Voice

Hallelujah!  The election is over, and for the next four years we're all free from the constant TV ads, robot calls, canvasers, pollsters and pundits, all telling us how to use our voices to vote. Even better, millions of people all over the country, even those hit hard by Hurricane Sandy, found a way to use their voices about who they wanted to govern their states and country. This election may be over, but the mandate is still there - whether it's for an election, or with your relatives, or in your primary relationships, it's always critical to know how to develop and use your voice to make your needs known! Using your voice is also critical to finding common ground when considering other people's needs. So, speak up and be heard! Listen, to hear other's voices, so you can reach mutually satisfying agreements when you may differ. And now, Congress, we'll be watching and listening to you.....

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. For more useful details about how and when to speak up, you can now buy my new workbook, "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat! You can get the paperback and the Kindle eBook on the Store page of this site, or find them both on Amazon at:

http://amzn.to/Qprh8v

"...Fix Communication Problems" Workbook Now Available on Kindle!

Exciting news! 
My new little workbook, "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat!  is now available as a Kindle eBook! It was just published and can be purchased at:

http://amzn.to/TQlnO1   

Use tools I've developed from YEARS of experience as a couples therapist, and learn to have better communication with all the people who matter to you.

"Staying Positive While Looking For Work" 10/17 8:30 PM EST BlogTalk Radio show!

Timely and important BlogTalk Radio show! Wednesday, 10/17/12 at 8:30 PM I'll be co-hosting with New York City career coach and mentor, Laura Rivchun, Principal at Chrysalis Career Coaching.
Laura works with people in various types of career transitions, helping them to maximize their opportunities for the best possible work situations. We'll be dealing with tools and tips for "staying in the game" with good energy, as well as pointers for what NOT to do on resumes and interviews.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to listen in, or to join us on the air live with your questions or comments. If you can't make the live show, go to the link below to catch the recorded show at your convenience.
One way or another, in this economy with the job situation so difficult, you can't afford to miss this
show!
Staying Positive While Looking For Work

The Wifeguard

My husband Thom thinks he's a regular handyman. He loves to "fix" things like re-wire lamps, unclog dishwasher parts, and make trash drawers slide like they're supposed to. I affectionately call him "Mr.
FixIt" because most things he "fixes" with the best of intentions, end up
slightly better in some ways, but still essentially broken. His real passion, however, is yard work on our land where he gets thrills from chopping down trees, hauling brush, seeding and mowing lawns, and generally riding around in his tractor, happy as a clam. What all this "work" requires, however, given the loud equipment he uses, is a pair of industrial "earmuffs," supposedly to protect his hearing. But I'm convinced the muffs are for an entirely different thing - to block out my constant requests that he do this or that. I have therefore affectionately, (but I think, aptly), named the the muffs "THE WIFEGUARD."
As a couples therapist and relationship coach, I think my husband has devised a unique marital tool -a perfect way to ignore me without ever having to say anything hurtful or rude. When I shout requests at him, he either doesn't hear me at all, and just keeps doing his thing, or he smiles at me quizzically, shakes his head,  makes a motion that he can't hear me, and cheerfully keeps going. Occasionally, when I wave my arms and make faces, looking really adamant about being heard, he takes off "the Wifeguard" momentarily and shouts, "What???"
How can I be mad, married to such an industrious, clever guy?

Ah, marriage.........
Susan Lager

PS.  For access to a somewhat more traditional marital tool, you can get a copy of my newly published book, "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?"Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat!  You can buy it on Amazon at:
       http://amzn.to/Qprh8v 

Polling The Peanut Gallery

Have you had the experience of being so uncertain about what to do or think or feel about a particular subject that you go around to key people in your inner circle to ask for advise? My sense is that most people do this at times in relation to something really important or charged. It can be a validating or reassuring experience getting this kind of feedback: (What do others think? What would reasonable people do in this situation)?

There's something quite different I see some people do with frequency. I call it "polling the peanut gallery," or gathering opinions whenever there's a feeling of self doubt or anxiety about a situation. Their fantasy is that there's a "right" way to operate, and that other people know better what that is. In my experience professionally and personally, I see women more often doing this, maybe because the culture trains women to value connection, and isn't so great at training women to value their own voices, or internal truths.

If you're someone who routinely polls your own peanut gallery, chances are it doesn't help you to develop more trust in your own feelings or perceptions. If the net effect of your polling is to create more confusion as you gather more opinions, than take some time to check in with yourself about what
seems right for you, and leave the polling for the upcoming election instead!

Cheers,
Susan Lager
PS. Learn to say what you need! Find out more in my new communication workbook, "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?"  Get it on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/Qprh8v  

Nothing Is Ever Easy! But, The Key To An Easier Life Is Good Filing!

Have you ever had days where everything you try to do seems to get complicated by red tape or bigger problems?
Try this on for size:

I go to get a routine "balance and rotation" at my local car service place for my practically new (28,000 miles) car I've kept in great shape. It ends up requiring new brakes and more complicated fixings I can't even comprehend, to the tune of more than $300.! (and 3 hours waiting time, not 45 minutes)

I proudly paint all the trim on the back of the house after carefully matching the color to the existing one, only to find it's mysteriously WAY bluer and more glossy than the previous color, so now it looks like we'll either have a two-tone trim, with windows and doors and upper floors one color, and the ground floor another color, or I'll have to re-paint the whole side of the house.

I do my 23rd BlogTalk Radio show, only to discover that the crackling sound of someone eating corn flakes has gotten worse. I don't eat anything during shows, so I'm not the culprit, it must be the USB port, the Skype connection, or my headset. This mystery has still not been solved....

I get notified of some possible fraudulent activity by some sociopath on my main business credit card, so I have to spend the next week contacting all the billing departments of all the vendors I do business with of the change to a new card. In the process, I discover that not all the passwords on file jive with the ones I have recorded, so that's another several hours! (Not to mention all the websites that don't work properly...)

I get notified of an enormous "quality credentialing" process I need to be on file with, which requires me to dig up every detail of my professional life back to the time of the cavemen. ("When did you start and stop using your maiden name, when did you start and stop hyphenating it with your married name"?) Mind you, I have trouble remembering what year I graduated High School, let alone the specific days when I graduated from college and grad school, and what their numbers and faxes are!
This requires a trip to my office to actually look at the degrees on my wall.

Then, as I do the bi-annual transfer of clothes from and to the attic (5 huge boxes), I discover that it will take me until next winter to get the whole job done. So what if I'm wearing sandals in February...
And, my favorite pair of cozy, black jeans has totally disappeared. (Probably the same person who stole my credit card number, or the same one who changed the color on the paint can!)

All I can say is two things:
1. Thank God for my clients with their "normal" problems!
2. The key to a better life is good filing!!!!!!

PS. For more of my musings about life, love, and good filing, sign up as a subscriber (on the
right) to get loads of free articles.

Blogtalk Radio Show! "Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner" Workboook, and Other News Wednesday, September 19, 2012 8:30 PM

Tune into this next BlogTalk Radio episode to hear more about my new workbook,
"I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" Fix Communication Problems With Your
Partner In No Time Flat!

*(You can now order it directly from Amazon at:  http://amzn.to/Qprh8v
or directly from my CreateSpace eStore at:  https://www.createspace.com/3575200 )

I'll also share other news you'll probably find relevant. I'll announce my
upcoming 2013 Spring Webinar Series, and more radio shows to come.

Listen to the show live streaming at:  The Couplespeak Relationship Forum
or call in toll-free at: 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions
or comments. (It's a short show, so you'll have to talk fast).

Hope you join me!
Susan Lager

Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner Now!

Anything is possible! I've just published my new little workbook, 

"I'm Talking! Are You Listening? Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat!

It's now available for purchase on the CreateSpace (a division of Amazon) eStore, and 
also available directly through Amazon, and other retailers, libraries, etc. 
Who would have thought that I'd actually follow through and do this with all the levels 
of hassle, complications and time involved!

My point to you readers is that if I can do this, SO CAN YOU do anything you set your 
mind to!
Set your goal. Connect with your motivation. Line up your daily actions with that goal 
and motivation. Give yourself some breaks. Find support. Get feedback, and 
move forward!!

If you'd like to learn how to talk so your partner will listen, and how to listen so your 
partner will talk, this workbook is for you. It provides you with simple steps to accomplish 
this, and exercises to help you set the stage for success. And by the way, it doesn't only 
apply in marriage or long-term relationships. It also applies for any key relationships you 
have where productive conversation can get snagged. If you have a co-worker or a friend
or relative you'd like to communicate better with, then this book will be a great tool!

Below is a copy of the eStore page describing the book.

You can buy it directly from Amazon at:  Susan Lager on Amazon.com

or on my CreateSpace page by going to: Susan Lager's CreateSpace eStore

 

Your Cart  Log Out  List Price: $9.97  Add to Cart Susan Lager For A Better Life "I'm Talking!  Are You Listening?"  Fix Communication  Problems With Your  Partner In No Time Flat! An Original Couplespeak™ Workbook Authored by Susan Lager LICSW A seasoned couples therapist and relationship coach shares her secrets, step by step, to great communication in close relationships. With clarity and humor, this little workbook provides powerful and engaging tools for more open, respectful and productive conversations with all the people who really matter. Publication Date: Sep 14 2012 ISBN/EAN13: 1469918846 / 9781469918846

Extreme Packing for a Measly Three Day Trip

Does this look familiar? Are you one of the control freaks (like me) who prepares for a little getaway by packing everything you could possibly use in any weather or eventuality?

My husband and I are going for our ritual little end of summer getaway to Block Island for a long weekend. It's a lovely little escape from all the hustle and bustle of the mainland, and actually reminds of an Ireland - France combo with its rolling hills, stone walls, and ocean cliffs. The problem though, is when you get a weather report which indicates tornados going into the weekend, sunny warm days, and 55 degree nights. So what do I do? I practice extreme packing for 31/2 seasons, bringing everything from bathing suits, beach towels and chairs, to Polartec jackets. We also bring all our own liquor and wine because the prices there are exorbitant. Oh, not to mention the seltzer for spritzers, piles of fruit, sandwiches and chips, cookies and whatnot. Then there's the workout shoes and outfits for hot, cool, or freezing conditions.
(One of my mottos is "Be prepared!)
The only slight snag in the plan is that we have to fit all this crap in the wee little dinky trunk of our old
Beemer 2-person convertible! There's barely enough room in there for a big sandwich!

I wonder what would happen if one year we just played it all by ear, weren't so over-prepared, and just let whatever happened, happen. Would the sky fall in? Would we have a better time?
I may never know because I'm wedded to the illusion of control................

Wish me luck,
Susan Lager

End Of Summer 2012 - New England Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Here we are, amazingly in September, when just yesterday it was the beginning of June! Where did the time go?
I think most (normal) people feel a twang of sadness at this time of year, saying goodbye to the sweet, long days of summer, when you don't have to wear socks or coats, or worry about the cold, and the snow.
But in New England, it's another thing entirely.
People here grieve the end of the carefree warmth and sunshine. Typical conversations focus on charming things like: When are you getting a generator? Do you have a decent snowblower? Did you get a roof rake yet? Does that new car you bought have 4 wheel drive? Have you winterized your shrubs? Did you bring in the air conditioners? How's your winter coat? Did you paint the side of the house yet? Have you raked all the leaves? Did you drain your septic while the ground is unfrozen? Do you have good boots? How are your knees doing? (You'll need them).

The list of "to do's" goes on and on, as New Englanders grieve and prepare:
- for piles of snow
- cabin fever
- Nor'Easters
- frigid temperatures
- dark mornings
- dark evenings
- shoveling
- slipping and sliding
- black ice fender benders
- gaining weight, etc., etc............

I call it New England Seasonal Affective Disorder, something unique to us in our little corner of the globe. We adore our measly little summers. We love our glorious Fall, but whine incessantly about winter coming. Then when winter is actually here, we marvel at its beauty while we ski, ice skate and snowshoe, or sit by our blazing fires reading books, talking to our spouses, playing instruments, cooking, doing projects. Ah, winter......

The irony is that only a fraction of us New Englanders would trade it all in for a condo in a gated community in Florida. Okay to visit, but no thanks. We'll stick with our ice and snow, and our seasonal schizophrenia, because we're tough, and besides, it's so beautiful here!

Hang in there, (after December 21st the days get longer again!)
Susan Lager

My Sisters

I've just spent two weekends, each with one of my wonderful, wacky sisters. Unfortunately, we couldn't coordinate the visits to Maine so we'd all be together, yakking into the wee hours of the morning, tooling around the coast, sharing secrets, boating, walking, recreational eating, shopping, cooking, jewelry hunting, clothes swapping, laughing and more yakking. 

Maybe it's the aging process, but as we all get older there's an increased sense of tenderness, compassion, and acceptance of each other, as well as a deeper appreciation of our bond. We no longer take each other for granted. We know full well what a blessing it is to have loving family. If you too are fortunate enough to have sisters (or brothers, for that matter), I hope you too cherish them.

"My sisters and I, friends are we, Best of friends we'll always be"

Author: Unknown

Cheers,

Susan Lager

"How Love Is Not Enough" Blogtalk Radio show tonight, 8/15 8:30 PM!

Don't miss my Blogtalk Radio show tonight at 8:30 PM! I'll be discussing
the six critical factors to evaluate when looking at how healthy or viable a
relationship may be, and how people often delude themselves, thinking love
alone will get them through. Here's news for you:
love is not enough!!!!

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to be able to join me live on the air with
questions or comments or stories. I welcome all of it!
If you can't make the live show, simply catch the recording at:
www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Olympic Effort In Everyday Life

For the past several days I've been glued to the Olympics on TV, along with millions of other people all over the world. My husband and I have been cheering and shrieking at the displays of courage, endurance, grace, power, and agility in the summer games in London.
Mostly, I never cease to be amazed by the sheer force of will demonstrated by these athletes, how they push past the threat of horrible injuries, public humiliation, defeat, and the instant loss of their dreams. I've decided that they can teach the rest of us regular humans a thing or two, very applicable to ordinary, everyday life:

1. Keep plugging away at your goals or dreams day by day. Daily practice builds new neural pathways, moving you closer toward mastery with every effort.
2. Envision your dreams or goal clearly, as though it's happening now. The imagining provides a form of mental "practice" vital for success, and reminds you about your motivation.
3. Line up your actions with your goals. Ask yourself if what you're doing daily or weekly moves you closer to your destination. If not, make necessary adjustments.
4. Get a "coach," either literally, or in the form of supportive friends and family who will support you and give you critical feedback about your progress. You can't succeed at most things in a vacuum.
5. Create a "team." Find likeminded people who may share your dreams, and understand the anguish you feel when you fail. They'll speak your language.
6. Practice daily, diligent self care. Get away from all or nothing stances, do the best you can with the time and energy you have. Remember that rest is also an important part of the picture.
7. Monitor your thinking and be vigilant about self defeating or dark thoughts. They have a way of becoming self-fulfilling. If you give up, do it for a bit, and then get back in the game. Be kind to yourself. Congratulate yourself and enjoy your successes.

Remember, olympic effort can only move you closer to a medal of one kind or another.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Love Is Not Enough!

For all of you hopeless romantics out there who think that love conquers all, I have news for you - it's a delusion. Love is not enough!!

If you've been in a relationship where you excuse various kinds of chronic disrespectful, unkind or unfair behaviors, "because deep down
I know he (she) loves me," then I would recommend that you stop and examine a few critical things very closely.

For a limited time, I'll be offering one hour phone consultations 
to be used in conjunction with my latest original article, "Love Is Not Enough." We'll explore the six major factors which may help you decide if you are wasting precious time, hope, and energy in a dead relationship, or whether there's a happier pulse which can be amplified.

Contact me by email at: Couplesctr@gmail.com or simply call my office at:
603-431-7131 for information about pricing and availability.

Cheers,
Susan Lager

Tools For Obsessive Thinking, Negative Thoughts And Anxiety!

Tune into my BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 8:30 PM to learn about how to manage the noise in your head. My co-host is Louise Beck, an internationally recognized expert on Mindfulness Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with your questions or comments, or catch the show live streaming at: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

If you're already in bed at that hour, you can catch a recording of the show at the same site later on.
Hope you join us!

Susan Lager

Negative Thoughts? Amazing Change With Mindfulness Based CBT 07/18 by Susan Lager | Blog Talk Radio

Negative Thoughts? Amazing Change With Mindfulness Based CBT 07/18 by Susan Lager | Blog Talk Radio

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM on the 18th to join us live on the air with your questions, comments, or stories. We'd love to hear from you!

If you can't join us live, catch an archived recording of the show at:
www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Looking Through Fresh Eyes

My husband Thom, and I had a great time yesterday "dubbing around" our house and land, fixing things, spiffing things up, and creating more order and beauty. It was very satisfying to get so many little projects completed!
We then had such a feeling of accomplishment, that the next day we rewarded ourselves by boating on our favorite lake all day - just doing nothing.

The thing that sparked the frenzy of activity the first day was the act of looking through fresh eyes at our surroundings. I'll often get great ideas watching HGTV, seeing all the different ways people arrange their homes and yards, especially as they proceed with remodeling or moving. The last few shows made me aware of the beauty and simplicity of hardwood floors, and how we've hidden ours with area rugs. So, looking through fresh eyes, I could see more open, spacious rooms without the carpets. Out went the carpets, and (excuse the pun), but we're both floored by the difference! Sometimes things get stale and we don't even notice it.

Why am I talking about carpets and floors? Because if you do the same thing with all your key relationships, and look at them through fresh eyes, you're likely to see some things differently. You may notice how much reciprocity there really is; how much, and in what ways affection and respect are manifested. With a spouse, take a new look at how much intimacy you're really creating, or how old worn out agreements may still be operating. With parents, notice how the boundaries are honored. Think of this as a kind of refreshing of these connections. Ask yourself what a reasonable outsider might see, where there's room for change, and how you too, looking through fresh eyes, might be able to reshape your relationships.

Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S.  For articles filled with insights about how to transform your relationships, go to the "Products" page of my website, www.SusanLager.com

(Almost) Giving Up

Among the 10,000 other things I've been working on, I've been writing two books for the past eight or so months. They're the first two in a series of Couplespeak™ guides about surviving and thriving in relationships. One is done, and in the complicated process of being properly formatted for publishing, and the other is soon to be born. I think they'll both be wonderful - that is, if I don't give up.

I've wanted to give up for the past few months, because of all the hassles and challenges of the project, and my wise, almost 25 year old son Alec says, "Mom, don't give up! You're about 85% of the way there!"
He's right. It's like deciding you might not want to have the baby when you're entering your ninth month of pregnancy, and there's nothing wrong with the baby! You wanted this baby. You planned it, did everything right. Now you want to bale?

The logical, mature therapist part of me knows this is probably "Fear of Success." Sounds crazy, doesn't it? We're all familiar with "Fear of Failure," but why would anyone fear success? And yet, most people have, at some point in their lives, hesitated or sabotaged themselves around some important project or dream, or most commonly, sabotaged a good relationship. That I see every day! People on the threshold of really positive developments, and they can't integrate it psychologically, because it doesn't jive with all their negative self scripts, so they just give up.

I saw a TV interview with the Principal of an inner city high school who talked about his daily battle to keep his students on track, competing with the lure of gangs and drugs. When asked if he ever felt like giving up, he laughed and said, "Of course! I actually do give up for a period of time every day. Then I go back, and continue to fight the battle."
Maybe that's the clue. Let yourself give up when you need to, then remember why you've been in it, and go back to your dream.

(Almost) giving up - for now,
Susan Lager
P.S.  The name of the book is, "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat!   (Coming out next month, if I give up just a little each day).

Sweet Father's Day 2012

Our family officially celebrated Father's Day a week early, because that's when our son was able to make the trek home from Connecticut. That meant that on the actual day, it was just my husband, "the Father," and me, celebrating him as a great Dad.

I bought him a printer compatible with his iPad, which he loved, and then gifted him with a surprise excursion upstate New Hampshire which I had fully planned. We started the day with the present and a pot of coffee, which we enjoyed on the deck overlooking our garden - very "Martha Stewart". We then "dubbed around" our land, picking weeds and flowers, and congratulating ourselves for all the beauty we've created. (That part is an almost daily ritual). Then we loaded up the kayaks and the car with supplies, and took off for the "surprise" trip to Squam Lake ("Golden Pond"), in Holderness, New Hampshire, munching on our "breakfast to go". (He'd had a feeling it was probably Squam).

Unbeknownst to me, it was the last day of Motorcycle Week in Weirs Beach, which we had to go through to get to the lake, so the last leg of the journey was very interesting, complete with 200,000 bikers from all over, many of whom were Hells Angels. By the time we landed the kayaks it was 3:30, and as usual, most people were beginning to head home. That was just fine, as we had most of the giant lake to ourselves, as we often do on our trips, with our weird schedule. (We tooled all around France without reservations for two weeks in 1986 after a terrorist bombing, and never saw an American).
We paddled around for a few hours, admiring the stately summer homes and the mountains, as I watched my blissful husband, thinking, "these moments are precious, savor them, savor being with him, it's not a given!"

We then left the lake and headed for Lago, a lakeside inn and restaurant at the northern point of Winnipesaukee. They serve drinks on the lawn at the water's edge, where you sit in adirondack chairs, looking down the lake toward the mountains. It's one of our favorite places, and we had it all to ourselves, because it was a Sunday night, and most (normal) people were already headed home. Then we had a lovely dinner at a table right by the window, watching the sunset.
It was the most perfect Father's Day, and I kept thinking, "Why do we wait for special occasions to gift each other in this way? Why don't we all appreciate each other like this every day?"

I hope you too had a lovely Father's Day.

Susan Lager

Lower Your Expectations

How often have you set yourself up for a big disappointment by counting on an experience or a situation to be a certain way? I hear about people doing this all the time. You want flowers, but they have to be red roses, so if you get daisies, they don't count. You anticipate a fabulous weekend having fun in the sun, then when it rains, all your plans literally get soaked, and you're miserable. You get married expecting unending romance and bliss, then when the reality of arguments and differences sets in, you're headed for divorce court. The problem is your expectations!

Research studies have shown that unrealistically high expectations of ourselves result in lower success rates with goals, and lowered feelings of satisfaction - that people set themselves up for "failure" with inflated notions of "success." The dieting industry is a perfect testimony to this.

When our son was just a teeny tadpole I used to get all excited by the prospect of going on adventures with him. I'd research, plan, pack, and expect glorious things. I was a "stay-at-home mother," so one of the benefits was time to do lots of fun stuff, NOT at home. The complication was that he had severe asthma attacks which would require immediate medical attention, sometime in the form of a trip to the local emergency room. So much for my elaborate plans......
Ironically, the day I decided to lower my expectations, was the day that my parenting experience began to really get wonderful and interesting. I adopted the attitude that maybe we'd go with the plan, maybe not, but something else would emerge, perhaps better in some way. It helped me relax and be "in the moment," as they say, even if that moment was in the ER, or heaven forbid, staying at home.

Moral of the story? Lower your expectations regarding "ideal outcomes," and watch your happiness level go way up!

Cheers,
Susan Lager
P.S.  For more insights and ideas about how to have a better time in life, go to the
        "Products" page of my website: www.SusanLager.com 

"Men, Women and Weight" Blogtalk Radio Show! Wednesday, 6/6 8:00 PM

Tune into my next exciting Blogtalk Radio show, "Men, Women and Weight,
An Exploration of Body Politics" featuring Mary Jo Martin, Ph.D., an expert
in the field of eating disorders and body issues.

It should be a fascinating episode dealing with the compelling issue of weight,
body image distortion, how our culture is a culprit, and findings about effective
or ineffective treatments.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 if you'd like to be able to join us live on the air
with questions or comments, or go to www.BlogtalkRadio.com/SusanLager to
listen in while we're recording, or at your convenience, listen in to the archived,
recorded episode.
We're airing Wednesday, June 6th at 8 PM EST.

Hope you join us! It should be a terrific show we can all learn from.

Another Birthday!

I'm about to have (yet another!) birthday. Before last night I was feeling quite bleak about it, thinking that time is running out, and that I'll never accomplish all the things I'd like to, never see all the places I want to see, never master all the challenges facing me, never read all the books I'd love to, never connect sufficiently with all the people I'd want to, and never learn all the things I want to learn. "Time is the enemy," I kept thinking all day as I wrangled with stupid internet problems. Mind you, I do not have a terminal illness as far as I know, so it was just depressive thinking about inevitable endings and limitations.

Meanwhile, a bit of context: I was sitting at home on a rainy day, looking out at my beautiful garden, having done a rigorous workout in my fully equipped gym, intermittently chatting with my loving son and future daughter-in-law, petting the cat.

That evening, my husband came home, and in an excited, conspiratorial tone, spoke for the group, telling me we were all going to some new restaurant in Sanford, Maine. (?????) It was just a bit fishy, as Sanford is the nondescript, country town you go through to go to our lake, not a place for a special birthday. I knew something was up when "en route," we turned into the driveway of our good friends Kathy and John, who greeted us with a wonderful surprise party complete with "Happy Birthday Susan!" signs all over their giant, food and drink-filled kitchen. The evening was filled with fun and laughter, as we told stories, ate, drank, and played "Catch Phrase," as though there was a winner's prize worth millions. Then this morning, my family again treated me like a queen, as we celebrated at a lovely brunch, telling jokes, opening presents, and marveling at the persistent rain.

So, as I finish this post, I'm now one year older, with obviously less time ahead, but lots more loving and living to do, and much to be thankful for.

Happy Birthday to me!

The Art of Doing Grey

I had a silly fight with my husband Thom tonight because he doesn't "do grey"!

He recently got a new schedule at work, which gives him a long weekend, allowing more time for all kinds of fun, chores and projects. We've always  had an unstated agreement (maybe we don't!), that the person not going into work will do dishes, make the bed, set up dinner, so the at-work person can come home to some order and calm, and something reasonable to eat. Basic thoughtfulness.

Because Thom doesn't "do grey," he gets all caught up in whatever he's doing with a vengeance, and forgets to go to the bathroom, let the cat out, and unfortunately, forgets to do the dishes, make the bed, and prepare a measly meal. This time he even went to get some Vodka for himself, and was so excited to get back to his muddy lawn, he even forgot to get me some wine. (I don't drink much, but I enjoy a chilled white wine spritzer in the evenings.)

Thom lives in the Land of Black and White, where if you're seeding the lawn or hauling rocks or planting tomatoes, there's no room for extraneous, "grey" things, like meal prep, etc. It's one thing or the other. So when I drove up, all tired and happy to see him after a long day's work, up he comes from out of our woods, covered in dirt, yakking about his peppers, tomatoes, and grass. I go into the house which looks like a bomb hit it, dishes everywhere, no wine, no food, an unmade bed, and a totally unwelcoming scene. I'll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say, I felt unconsidered, unwelcomed. I was glad he'd had a lovely day, but will never understand why there's no room for even half an hour of "grey"!

Do you too, live in the Land of Black and White, or do you too, do "grey"?

Curious,
Susan Lager
PS.  For more insights about all things, black, white, or grey, go to the "products" page of my website:
       www.SusanLager.com

Smart Summer Planning

Here we are nearing the end of May (!), summer is around the corner for most people on this part of the planet, and I'm wondering how many of you, single or coupled, have made any significant summer plans.
What I observe many people here in the Northeastern US doing is avoiding the subject, or fretting about it without making decisions, or fighting about it. Then Fall comes and many of these Northeasterners anguish about all the fun stuff they could have done and didn't, while the weather was friendly. We therapists call this kind of behavior NEUROTIC!

Here's a better idea for smart summer planning:

1. Start thinking about your vision for a lovely summer, early, ideally in April or May.
2. If you're part of a couple, make a date to share your visions with each other, then create a mix which incorporates key parts of what you each want.
3. Coupled or single, be adventurous and try new experiences and places. It's good for you.
4. If you have children of camp age, make reservations early, and factor what you and your partner need as a couple into the mix. Don't let every minute be about the kids! Nurture yourselves too!
5. If you're single, think about what kinds of experiences will provide you with ample, meaningful social connections. Don't allow yourself to feel more marginalized in this coupled world.
6. Look realistically at your "To Do" list of projects and chores. If most of it feels like drudgery, set limits on your expectations. Many disappointments come from unrealistically ambitious expectations, and an imbalance between the "need to's" and "want to's". Use cloudy or rainy days for the chores, so you don't feel short-changed in the fun department on Labor Day.
7. Build in time to stop and "smell the roses". Over-scheduling often creates undo stress and anxiety.
8. Create an 'end of summer' ritual, celebrating the season, and heralding in the unique beauty of the Fall season about to unfold.
9. Rinse and repeat for Fall. 

Enjoy!

Susan Lager

PS.  You can now purchase articles about various relationship and personal growth issues, with tools for positive change, on the "Products page of my website at www.SusanLager.com

For anyone wanting hands-on couples training, you can also find unique, original Couplespeak™ programs only available at www.SusanLager.com

Mothers Everywhere

Earlier tonight I went to a yearly fundraising auction for Sweetzer Services in Maine, an organization serving children and families in need. Many of the children have families who have serious mental health issues, or parents who cannot care for them. Many of the children live in group home settings, without families of their own in their lives. It's always heartbreaking and heartwarming to hear their stories of survival and hope.

Whenever I go, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to help in some small financial way. I'm also reminded about what it must be like to grow up without a mother, or a family of one's own.

I think it fitting, that on the eve of this Mother's Day, mothers everywhere not diminish the critical role they play in the shaping of a child's life through love, constancy and protection. For all you mothers who wrestle with self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, exhaustion, and occasional despair, (most mothers?), remember that without your (flawed) love your children would be lost.
So, cut yourself a bit of slack, do your best, and celebrate your heroic role. Happy Mother's Day!

Drunk Drivers

I had the most unnerving experience driving home tonight from work at about 9 PM. (Yes, I work late some nights, but don't roll into work until noon most days.)

I go home via a long, winding, country road which is beautiful by moonlight. I pass farms, fields, barns, stately old Maine colonial homes, ramshackle cottages with lobster traps and junk all over their yards, coastal inlets, deer, foxes, and all things wild and natural. The trip home is usually a lovely site-seeing interval after an intense work day. Not tonight.
I was directly behind someone in a pickup truck who at first seemed to be doing some site-seeing of their own, weaving back and forth in the lane. Before long, they were veering into the oncoming traffic lane, then all the way back, almost into the snow ditch, barely avoiding utility poles and mailboxes. It was obviously a very drunk driver, having trouble staying on the road, but too drunk to get off the road, and out of harm's way.

I noted the license plate, called 911, and reported the event, thinking I'd be ruining this driver's night, but the alternative was deadly. From the comfort and anonymity of my car, this was an easy choice.
It made me wonder, however, if I'd have the courage to stand up alone, and speak up in a not so anonymous situation, if I were witness to some reckless or unconscionable act.
I'd like to think so. Would you?

Always,
Susan Lager
PS.  You can now get my newest article, "Format For A Productive Couples Check-in," on the Products
        page of my SusanLager.com website at: http://wp.me/P1ayQF-d6
        You'll get key tools for how to engage with your partner productively around any problem!

Are You A Lazy Husband?

Calling all lazy husbands! You (should) know who you are: you leverage your wife's need to keep the peace, her need for order, her need to please, to take care of everyone, her guilt, her less than terrific self esteem, etc. You cash in on it with lots of napping, watching TV, drinking beer, puttering in the garage, puttering with your car or motorcycle, yakking with the neighbors (also remiss husbands), checking your email, looking at porn, and just being a couch potato with the dog or cat.
Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of loving, generous husbands who do their fair share of the work on the home front. There are also lots of wives who drop the ball on their husbands, letting them do 80% of the work, while they work out, play tennis, have lunch with friends, and shop, or read, or putter around. Right now I'm focusing on lazy husbands who cop out, because it's probably a more common complaint wives have, than husbands have, and because I can't talk about everything at once.

If you've heard your wife complain with some frequency about your lack of participation around the house, you can either discount her as a chronic, unprovoked nag, or you can do some soul searching about the possible kernels of truth in her complaints. If you choose the latter, you might want to examine what you're trying to accomplish with doing less. Maybe, it's your way of flipping her the bird, because you feel resentful about things the two of you don't discuss. Maybe you feel unappreciated for the other things you do in your life together. Maybe the two of you have set up a "parent-child" dynamic, with you playing the part of the lax child, needing to be scolded by a parent, a scenario which might mirror your family of origin dynamic. Maybe it's your way of getting attention, feeling short-changed by your wife's attention to the kids and relatives. Maybe you were just trained by your family to expect others to wait on you, and feel it's your entitlement.

Whatever drives your under-functioning, kmow that being a lazy husband always has consequences. Don't expect her to be warm and fuzzy in the bedroom, when the context is one of disparate contribution to the work load.
Don't think she'll forget it and be available for fun and lightness, with time and distraction. Don't expect to feel good about yourself, down deep, when you know on some level that you aren't carrying your own weight. Do expect resentment, a disengaged, cold shoulder, more nagging, and a buildup of contempt.
The good news is that if you use your words about what bothers you or what you need, instead of acting it out through under-functioning, you can open up potentially constructive dialogue about who needs what, and what to do about it. It's far more constructive and mature. You'll also avoid the unpleasantness of life in the dog house. It's your call......

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager

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Kayaking As A Bonding Tool For Couples

My husband and I have been kayaking for about fifteen years, long before it became a "cool" thing to do. It started as a family activity with our son, and now that we're (sort of) "empty nesters", it continues to be the miracle cure for all that ails us as a couple.
You can see from the picture on the left that it seems to have the same effect on that couple!

We began this season last Sunday on a pristine pond in York, Maine. We were both facing grueling work weeks, taxes, piles of Spring chores, calls to be returned, bills to be paid, dishes, laundry, and enough other stuff to make us bark at each other all morning. Then, after less than two minutes on the water, all was bliss. We were smiling, "cloud painting," taking pictures of turtles, and joyfully paddling around the pond.
I've come to the conclusion that kayaking is the perfect antidote to stress, and the perfect bonding tool for couples, singles, or groups. You're totally in the moment of the movement through the water, the breeze on your skin, negotiating the in's and out's of the shoreline, and watching the wildlife (we once had a moose swim right in front of our boats!). I prefer solo kayaks, because they allow you each to do your own thing when you want to, then be together when you want that. It's the perfect balance of independence and connection. Getting there requires the collaborative effort of putting the boats onto your car carrier and tying them down, then taking them off and launching, then putting them back up again. Often you bring a snack or picnic lunch. In warmer weather you can swim or just float around. If you're a high adrenaline couple, you can savor the thrills of white water together. (I've enjoyed that too,
though not exactly "relaxing.")

No, I'm not a rep for a kayak company. I'm telling you this because kayaking is one kind of "high energy fun,"and fun is vital for couples to experience together for bonding. It's also the kind of "in the moment" activity vital for all of us, coupled or not, to have in our "refueling" repertoires.
So, if you're near water, try it! If boating isn't your thing, do something else which brings you pleasure, and takes you away from all the busy stressors in your life.

Cheers and Happy Spring!
Susan Lager
PS.  My new "CoupleSchool Fast-Track Program" is now available for sale through my website at:
       http://wp.me/P1ayQF-d6