It's Time to Meet on the Mountain!

Most couples who've graduated into a king-size bed fully understand the ups and downs about the change. Gone are the days when the two of you naturally fell into the canyon in the middle created by your joint weight, cozily cuddling. Instead, you've probably permanently moved into your own canyons on the far sides of the mattress, keenly aware that king-size beds create a "mountain" in the middle, unless you've made a conscious attempt to share the middle "we" space, or have sex four times a day. If you live in a hot climate it makes it more pronounced - who needs to cuddle when bodily contact warmth isn't a necessity for comfort? The up side is that you probably enjoy the ability to fully stretch out without worrying about unwittingly shoving your elbow in your partner's nose. Ah, space... But there are costs to your new found independence: Disconnection! Less intimacy! Waning pillow talk! So, in the spirit of avoiding all these forms of alienation, I say, "be deliberate about meeting on the mountain!"

Here are three ways the rendezvous on the summit can help a relationship:

1. If you do it together or take turns, you're practicing compromise and collaboration in the name of closeness.
2. You're being intentional as a couple about maintaining intimacy and connection.
3. You're practicing the delicate balance between the "Me" and the "We," so key to close relationships.

So, think of "Meeting on the Mountain" as a perfect metaphor for what you need to do in many areas of your partnership, only this time with a giant mattress underneath you.

Four Daily Practices Essential to a Happy, Fulfilling Life - A Therapist's Take

If you don't live under a rock, chances are that you see headlines in magazines, news programs, and various online sources about the quick secrets to having a happy life, whether it's a happier sex life, a better relationship with your body, your boss or your mother - you probably get inundated with sound bytes about the path to bliss.

In my many years of practice as an individual and couples therapist, and as a coach, I've learned a thing or two about what really makes people happier and more fulfilled. The sad reality is that it's not a quick or simple fix. The good news is that you don't have to move to Bhutan and become a monk to have a happier life. If instead, you commit to these first four specific daily practices you'll be well on your way, without the plane fare and upheaval. So, here are the first four attitudes and behaviors for you to practice, maximizing the possibilities for a lifetime of more joy and meaning:

1. Be grateful. Spend time each day moving away from aspirational thinking about your wants and needs, (your strivings), to acknowledging your appreciation for what you already have: a loving partner, a feisty child, a generous neighbor, funny co-workers, a sweet dog, a warm bed, your health, food on the table, beautiful sunsets, etc. Manifest gratitude by thanking the people around you for who they are or anything they've done that you appreciate. It costs nothing, and softens everything. Focus on your blessings and amplify them with your attention and gratitude. You'll be more present in each moment, and you'll be building and strengthening happy neural pathways in your brain, while generating positive energy in your relationships. - all vital keys to joy.
2. Be intentional. Live life "on purpose" by connecting with your motivations, and with plans for actionable, followup behavior. Get away from "shoulds," like "I should eat more healthfully, get more sleep, be a better friend," etc., to "I commit to...", "I will,_________", because you've connected to your motivation. So, if you set an intention on a given day to be a more solicitous friend, decide why, and how you will put that into action that day. By setting an intention each day, giving yourself reminders, and committing to an action plan for that intention, you'll feel more in control of events, you'll feel better about having a moral compass, you'll make more carefully considered and less reactive decisions, and you'll  have less regrets down the road about what you did or didn't do. You will have de-automated your life.
3. Be kind. Unless someone is aiming a gun at your head, there's usually lots of room for kindness and compassion in relationships. Recognize the interrelatedness of all beings, and all your opportunities to treat others with the best of your heart.  Also, do it on a micro scale: tell the sales clerk how helpful and efficient he was, smile at passersby, take a moment to help a co-worker with something she's carrying, give your spouse an unsolicited kiss or smile. Don't confuse kindness with being an unassertive suck-up. If you're not being abused or violated in some way then you're kindness is a gift, not a defense or coverup for negative feelings. Also, direct your kindness to yourself. Treat yourself with compassion and respect, the way a good friend would. Avoid damning self talk or punitive self paybacks. Unless you're a serial killer you probably deserve to treat yourself gently.
4. Be responsible. Take care of business. Pay your bills and taxes. Return calls and emails in a timely way. Make your bed. Organize your space so it functions well and reflects back on you positively. Be on time for appointments. Live within your means. Don't drink or text and drive. Pay attention to the rules you've agreed to live by. Be a grown up and you'll avoid experiences of shame, chaos, disappointment or trauma to yourself and others. You'll feel calmer and freed up to do all the other fun stuff if you don't get stuck in the weeds of life's "business."

Commit to these first four attitudes and practices and you'll be well on your way to a happier life.

To find out about four other key practices, tune into my next BlogTalk Radio episode, "8 Practices Essential to a Happy and Fulfilling Life" on Wednesday, April 13th at 8:30 PM. Call 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments, or listen to the recording afterward at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

How Reframing May Be Good for Your Mental Health in 4 Key Ways

Along with hundreds of thousands of other New Englanders, I'm staring out the window on one of the first days of "Spring," looking at five inches of newly fallen snow with more on the way(!) It's been coming down hard most of the day, with the temps hovering around a balmy Spring 26 degrees. The first Red Sox game of the season was canceled, so I know there are probably lots of unhappy fans as well. Last week my husband and I were laying on Flamenco Beach in Culebra, luxuriating in the soft, tropical breeze and the warm aqua water. Life is Hell...... Or is it?

If it hadn't been for the brutal weather I'd have been miserable, catching up on my book work after our little Puerto Rican getaway. If the sun had been shining and the weather glorious and Springy I wouldn't have opted to complete some online trainings I've needed to do. The laundry and the cooking would have fallen behind, the bills wouldn't have been paid before the week was in full swing, the AirBnB reviews would have been undone, I wouldn't have discovered all the terrific Ken Burns videos on Amazon Prime, and I certainly wouldn't be enjoying the warmth of the roaring fire my husband has made. Nor would I be looking forward to later taking a toasty hot tub under the stars, amidst the newly white landscape. So, am I being a Pollyanna, or am I using the needed skill of reframing? It's the latter, my friends.

Reframing is very good for your mental health in a number of important ways:

1. It helps you transform a situation which might make you feel victimized into one of opportunity.
2. It helps you to make a creative mental "reboot," expanding your sense of possibilities and problem-solving.
3. It sets a positive tone, helping you to feel good as you change the noise in your head.
4. The more often you feel good the happier you'll be, and the more you'll spread it to others. The more often you spread happiness, the more people will want to hang out with you. Chances are, you'll then have a more satisfying social life.

So, bring on the snow, April 4th or whenever!