Break Free From Anxiety? How??!!!

Hello Reader,

Many people here in the Northeast are getting severe "cabin fever" with all the arctic weather we've been having. There are now also new things to worry about, like: Have you shoveled your roof, so you won't get "ice dams", and risk a collapse? Have you insulated your pipes so they don't freeze and burst? Have you become a couch potato, bursting out of your "fat" clothes? Have you left your pet enough water, so it doesn't die of thirst when outside? Have you de-iced your walkways, so you don't break your neck going for your "healthy power walk"? Have you moisturized your skin, so you don't look like you're ninety when you're 45? Is your ionizer working, so you don't die of black mold? (etc.)...

How can we possibly stay calm and relaxed? With Mind-Body tools to beat stress! For a primer on the subject, go to my BlogTalk Radio show, The Couplespeak Relationship Forum, episode: "Chill Out! Easy Mind-Body Tools To Beat Stress", with expert Katherine Frick at 9PM EST: 877-497-9046 (toll-free), or online at:

The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

 If you're too STRESSED, and can't be live on the call, then get into your pajamas, grab a glass of wine (if you're not an alcoholic), curl up in your favorite chair, and listen to the recorded show through the BlogTalk Radio button at the bottom right side of this blog.

Easy going,

Susan Lager

Newsflash!!!!!

Hello Reader,

     I have exciting news!  Today I produced my first-in-a-series free teleseminar entitled "Silent Partner, Silent Wife", featuring Katherine Frick as my first "guest expert"!  It was a really interesting and informative hour about all the ways women become silent in their relationships. We dealt with all the related issues we see play out in our psychotherapy practices and in our own lives, ranging from causes, to consequences, and to possibilities for breaking the silence. I think many women will strongly relate to this topic, and may benefit from listening to the recording. It is a private offering available only for subscribers to my website:
How To Be A Better Couple.    Check it out and enjoy!

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

Egypt's Quest For Freedom

Hello Reader,

     Along with millions of others worldwide, I've been transfixed by the daily struggles of the Egyptian people to cast away the repressive regime of Mubarak and his secret police enforcers. I too, was gleeful yesterday when news came out that he was stepping down, and that "step one" of the revolution had prevailed. I've found the parallels between this movement and the dynamics of a healthy self, and healthy relationships, very clear. The Egyptian people, just as most adults, need to feel that their voices are heard, and that they have power to effect change in their own lives. They need to feel respected and acknowledged about their needs, and not humored or stonewalled, as they have been. All people, contrary to the patriarchal thinking of autocratic rulers, need to have this sense of "agency" in their lives, and in all their meaningful relationships, whether it's with their government, or with their partners. Over the course of time, this push toward voice and prerogative, cannot be squashed with healthy, happy consequences, in countries, or in marriages, in workplaces, or in friendships. So it may very well be Yemen next, and Jordan, and Saudi Arabia, and maybe someday even Iran, who knows?
What we can each do in our own small way is to make sure that we foster relationships with ourselves, and with all significant others, that honor voice and ultimately "freedom".

What a Good Night!
Susan Lager

Over-thinking

Hello Reader,

     I've been thinking a lot lately about over-thinking. People like me, who are a bit perfectionistic and a bit obcessive, are often guilty of it.  In my case, I was set up for it by a family that made a production out of EVERYTHING from the contents of a dinner, to a day at the beach. If we went for an ice cream cone at Carvel, it wasn't a simple impulsive trip to the place three miles away, but a carefully constructed evening ride up the Taconic Parkway to the Carvel sixty miles north, complete with blankets and car games for the outing.
Over-thinking was reframed as creativity, diligence, thoroughness and spirit. Everything we did was elaborately planned, and for the most part we had great fun in the process!
Fast forward to the present. For the last twenty, (yes 20!) years I've been thinking about hiring a billing service for my psychotherapy practice. The billing is the least favorite and most incompetent thing I've always done, struggling to keep up with the sheer volume of it daily. I'm often apologetic about it to clients, or make jokes about my ineptness in that department. I rarely feel self-doubt about the therapeutic work itself, just the damn billing! I've mulled over the notion of relinquishing the control, the work involved in transferring the information to a service, the time it would take me, the cost, etc. This is what over-thinking looks like when it's counterproductive, not artistic! So I've finally decided to let go of this last vestige of self-apology, and this exercise in over-thinking-- I'm hiring a billing service! And what's the point of announcing this, you ask? To follow the Nike logo: JUST DO IT!!!!  Before getting caught in a spin of all the "how-to" details, I will follow my own therapeutic advice and take one small step each day, breaking the task down into teeny weeny steps, and NOT think about it!
So if you too have an overactive brain that makes a production out of things, do four things to free yourself from the obcessive spin:
1.  Ask yourself if your over-thinking an issue serves some larger creative, safety, or fun purpose, or not.
2.  If not, decide what a reasonable person would do for action, without further ado.
3.  Break the task or dilemma down into bite-size pieces, day by day, and ignore your thoughts.
4.  Build in time to "review" progress at intervals, not daily-- (that leads to more over-thinking.)
Then sit back and enjoy the completion without all the internal "noise".
Oh, and one more thought..............................

Goodnight!
Susan Lager
PS. Tune in to the next episode of my BlogTalk Radio show on Wednesday, February 9th at 9:30PM.
       It's called "Uncover The Truth - Hire A Private Investigator".  My guest will be Frank Santin, a
       well known Private I. who has lots to say about this subject. It should be fun!
       Call toll free: 877-497-9046

Presumptions

Hello Reader,

     For the past several weeks I've worked with psychotherapy and coaching clients who make lots of presumptions about the people they love. Friends decide that they must be a giant burden to their inner circle because they need more love and support now. Spouses decide that they can't possibly bring up certain subjects to their partners. Parents decide their kids will hate them if they set particular limits.
I think it's understandable to make some of these "pre-judgments" based on past experiences with people.
But it's important to "reality check" it regularly. More often than not, people you love may surprise you!
A husband may listen with curiosity. A friend may be grateful for the opportunity to help. A kid may feel some relief that there is some structure in their world. So pay attention to the "givens" inside your head-- they may not be accurate at times, and you may shortchange the loved ones in your life by setting low expectations of your relationship with them!
Now, I'm heading into another week with a different kind of presumption-- that it will snow once again, as predicted, midweek, and wreak havoc on everyone's carefully made plans for work here in the Northeast .
A presumption? Or a fact of life for the winter of 2011?

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager
PS. (18 to 24 inches.....)