Preparing For The Hurricane

Most everyone living in the northeastern U.S. is preparing for Hurricane Irene to arrive in all her fury.
The supermarkets are jammed with people stocking up on water, batteries, flashlights, ice, food, and all sorts of other supplies needed in the event of power outages, and floods.

 The odd thing is that today was a gorgeous, sunny day showing no signs of the likely destruction and general mayhem to come. Maybe it's an occupational hazard, but it feels to me like a perfect metaphor for the uncertainty of life inside a committed relationship: At the moment all seems calm, but inevitably there are huge storms coming, and if you're not prepared, you're screwed. It you wait till the last minute your resources will be limited at best. If you don't have a plan for how to brave the storm, you'll be in reactive "chaos mode", and won't fare so well. If you don't pay attention to the warning signs, you'll be in dangerous denial, and could be swept away. If you try to go it alone without proper teamwork, you'll be at risk. So think of nurturing and bolstering your relationship as similar to preparing for the hurricane.
You hope for the best while allowing for the worst, and chances are, there's sunshine again on the other side.

Hope all goes well,
Susan Lager

Negotiation In Marriage

As a couples therapist I routinely see couples struggling with decisions which make nobody happy!
Natalie wants one thing, Ned wants something else, (or so it seems). They then either slug it out emotionally until one person gets their way, or they "take their marbles and go home" - withdrawing into their respective corners with animosity because they couldn't come to some kind of reasonable agreement.

Marriage and partnerships are all about negotiation, whether it's when and where we go on vacation, or how and when we tackle home projects, or which school to send the kids to. The worst thing couples do is to come up with "win-lose" or "either-or" solutions. In negotiation language we call that a dismal failure. The aim instead is to move toward "both-and" or "win-win"solutions, where each partner may give something up, but also gets something important to them. So if Ned wants to spend time in the Fall working on home projects, and Natalie wants a trip, the goal is to see how either they can do both reasonably, or take turns getting their way. The most critical thing is to craft solutions which address key parts of each of their concerns, not polarize around differences.

How good a negotiator are you in your partnership?

Have a mutually good end of summer,
Susan Lager

Just Do It!

I've worked with hundreds of clients over the years who tell me they don't do healthy things like exercise, meditate, or eat moderately because they don't feel like it. People who are depressed or anxious, and the most in need of self-nurture, are often the biggest culprits, rationalizing a lack of self care with their lack of motivation / energy. Especially when people are biochemically compromised, as they are in a clinical depression, I push back and often say, "Who in their right mind feels excited about getting out of a nice warm bed, particularly on a dark, cold morning, to freeze outdoors on a run? Only olympic athletes, or people who've had a lobotomy! You need to 'just do it', as the Nike slogan says."
The Prochaska Change theory emphasizes the stages people need to go through to get to the action part of change: pre-contemplation, contemplation, and preparation. According to this theory, change isn't something you usually just logically decide to do, and then do. One must first feel stirrings internally, then face and resolve the ambivalence about letting go of the status quo. One must also prepare with an action plan. The problem is that folks can get lost in any one of the stages, overthinking the whole thing. The fallacy is that once the ambivalence is "resolved", one will be sufficiently motivated to act. Deciding why something like stopping smoking is good for you, is important. Knowing your tools to achieve it is vital. Having an action plan, especially one which makes the process more pleasant, is critical. But to "pull the trigger" don't wait for a burning desire (excuse the pun) to ban the butts. Just do it.

I use this psychology in my own life as well. If I think about my motivation to pay bills or do book work, I'm dead in the water. I'll even vacuum the house, or clean toilets to avoid it! So I think of it this way: there are some things in life that are equivalent to bad tasting medicine - horrible going down, but good for you in the long run. The challenge is twofold:

1. Make the "medicine" taste better so you're more apt to take it.
2. Make your motivation for action the "caboose", not the "locomotive". In other words, focus on how you feel about it after you've done it, not before.

So if you're avoiding something you need to do which you know will be good for you, like exercising regularly, don't wait for the stars to line up as a sign of the "perfect moment". Stop thinking about it so much on the front end. Just do it! You'll be glad you did.

Gotta go take those nasty vitamins,
Susan Lager

Picking Fights

How's this for starting a sunny Saturday with your beloved hubby:
My husband Thom tells me during breakfast (before we're supposed to leave for a lovely day at our favorite lake), that he forgot to bring home the important papers he'd said we'd go over this weekend so we could make a major financial decision. No matter, we can do it during the week and hopefully it won't impact much.
I stand in the kitchen, bowl in hand, considering how hard I'd have to throw it to hit him in the face. Because I'm not a violent person, and I love my husband dearly in spite of his forgetfulness, I put the bowl down and opt for a less grisly choice. I walk out of the kitchen, leaving him to finish his freshly made omelette all by himself. Two minutes later, I can't help myself,  I come back into the kitchen, and find him nonchalantly chewing on his bagel, looking like his morning is going just peachy. I can't resist. I deploy the nuclear weapon:

"Thom, do you know what I think about when you minimize important things, when you forget stuff, and when it doesn't seem to faze you? Do you want to know? Would you like to know what goes through my head? I think the only option for me is to jump off the Piscataqua Bridge! It would end my suffering. I'd never have to be victimized by your forgetfulness again! Suicide. It would be quick, and less painful than living with you! They'd probably never find me, and you could do your own thing!"

Still chewing, he looks at me blankly. "Why don't you go for your run before we leave, I think you need it."

"A run isn't going to solve this! How can I go to the lake with you? I'll never be able to depend on you! What if I'm drowning? You'd forget to save me!"

And with that, he puts down his bagel and walks out of the room saying he'll spend the day by himself because he's obviously too dangerous to hang around with.

Three important things you need to know before I proceed:

1. I love my husband dearly. He's a sweetie pie. He's dependable. He's a bit forgetful.
2. I would never jump off the Piscataqua bridge. I'm not suicidal, or depressed, or hopeless, especially over a piece of paper. Besides, it's a LONG way down.....
3. I'm from New York, and I'm dramatic. We New Yorkers tend toward hyperbole. And we say some things purely for effect. (You have to, when you're one in ten million!)

Luckily, in my mid-twenties I became a psychotherapist, (probably partly to temper the innate hot-headedness in me which New York amplified). Part of the training is to do a lot of your own therapy, to understand the process, and to learn how to "steer your own ship". One of the things you learn, if you're a good student, is how and why you might pick fights. You also learn how to take the high road, and fess up when you've been an ass.

Fast forward back to my kitchen where Thom has dejectedly decided to finish his bagel. I walk in holding the beach bag full of fun stuff, flash a big smile and say, "Re-do! How would you like to go to the lake with your ridiculous wife who's great at ruining a morning?  I'm sorry for jumping on you. Let's have a great day."

He ambles over to me, grins, gives me a big bagel kiss, and says, "Let's go, Jumper."

(If you choose to pick a fight, you can also choose to end it).........

Gotta go swimming,
Susan Lager

The Self-Talk Test

I work with couples every day around the issue of managing perceived hurts, disappointments, and insults. One partner says or does something, and the other partner reacts to it internally before formulating a response. This initial internal response is usually about a thought the receiver has about what he or she perceives has just happened. It comes in the form of self talk, something the receiver says to him or herself about the occurrence. It generally involves some "meaning making" or interpretation of the event. (example: "He keeps forgetting the shopping list because I'm not that important to him!"). This critical self talk part of the process colors the whole ensuing event. What people say to themselves then effects the feelings about the event, and ultimately the behavior related to it.

So, listen to your self talk, and take this quick test:

1.  Are you routinely assigning negative meanings to your partner's behavior? (List them).
2. Might there be more benign meanings for it? What would they be? (List them).
3. Ask a reasonable person who knows and cares about both of you, what meaning they would make of the behavior.
4. Are you recycling some old, worn out narratives which applied to any other relationships earlier in your life? (List each next to its corresponding relationship).
5. Pay attention, and you may avoid talking yourself out of a good relationship!

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager