Are You a Shopaholic? Take the Test Wednesday, 11/18/15 on BlogTalk Radio at 8:30 PM EST

If you've ever wondered if you have a shopping problem, or if it's just benign "retail therapy," and you're readying for the holiday spending season, then this next BlogTalk Radio episode is just for you.

Tune into my next 30 minute BlogTalk Radio episode "Are You a Shopaholic? Take the Test Before the Holidays; Get 7 Tips for Help" - Wednesday, November 18th at 8:30 PM EST. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with questions, comments or (horror?) stories. Learn about whether you may have Compulsive Buying Disorder, or if your 75 pairs of shoes is just an extreme love of style. 

If you can't make the live show you can listen to the recording anytime afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

 

Love is the Victor

I'm writing this in the aftermath of the most recent terrorist attack in multiple locations of Paris, apparently the 289th attack of 2015. There's no apt way to describe this scourge of hatred and violence perpetrated against innocent people all over the world. What stands out after each horrific incident however, is the heroism and altruism of first responders, and the humanity of people identifying with the experience of violation and loss. The victor is love. What survivors of these attacks recount, is how, in the midst of the violence, when they didn't think they'd survive, they focused on the enormity of love they had in their lives, thinking they were saying goodbye to all the people who were precious to them.

I think the lesson in all this mayhem needs to be love - not only for your family and friends, but for all the people who have helped you, been kind to you, given you inspiration and support, or just made you laugh. If we could all give more energy each day to feeling and showing appreciation and love to the people around us we'd not only be physically healthier, but emotionally more robust, and spiritually more at peace and in harmony with  all of life. If we didn't wait for a catastrophic moment but instead made a daily habit of focusing on this gratitude and our common humanity, we'd be happier, more connected, and more loving as a species.

BlogTalk Radio Episode Tonight: "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" (Wed. 10/21/15) 8:30 PM EST

If you've ever felt stuck in conversations which seem to go nowhere, and feel
the need for some good skills in this area, then don't miss this episode!

In this next 30 minute BTR episode tonight, (Wednesday 10/21/15)
at 8:30 PM I will teach you a vital, secret tool for better communication,
especially when there's conflict surrounding an issue.

Call in live at toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with questions
or comments. If you can't make the live show catch the recording at:
www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager anytime at your convenience.

If you or your partner tend to shut down, retreat, or yell at each other when                          you disagree, and the "conversation" goes south fast, then this show is for you.             Moving forward, you'll have the means to talk more calmly, take turns, listen                  better, lower reactivity and move toward solutions faster.

I hope you can join me!
Cheers,
Susan                                                                                                                                                                  *P.S. To get my book "I'm Talking! Are You Listening?" click on the link below                             to find it on my Amazon store. There are lots of tips and tools in there for better                       communication.

4 Tips for Pushing Yourself More Effectively

When was the last time you got out of a warm bed at the crack of dawn to sweat on a treadmill – with eagerness? Or relinquished the beach on a gloriously sunny Saturday to do tax preparation? Or gladly put your openly introverted self in front of a group of 300 peers to give a lecture? You may have done all or any of these things, but chances are that you had to push yourself out of your comfort zone to do them in the name of some kind of benefit or reward. If, on the other hand, you’ve made a habit of staying in your womb-like routine without taking any risks into the unfamiliar, then you’ve probably missed out on some novel experiences, learning, excitement and rewards.

So, if you’d like to be less risk averse and get better at pushing yourself to do new things, here are a four of my seven tips and tools I’ve developed from my years of working with individuals and couples in therapy:

1. Create a clear vision for your goal, defined specifically. (Ex: By tax time in April I will have all my financial data tabulated and formatted, ready for the accountant in Quickbooks).
2. Identify your potential saboteurs and what your options are to head them off at the pass. (Ex: Self, wanting to do more fun stuff. Fix: Reward self with the fun stuff after I’ve done the work each week).
3. Formulate a clear action plan for the “Push,” defining it specifically and behaviorally. (Ex: I will do two hours of Quickbooks entries every Saturday from 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM regardless of the weather or invitations I’ve received to do fabulous things).
4. Identify the intrinsic and concrete rewards to yourself / others in making this effort to move out of your comfort zone. (Ex: I will feel more organized, centered, and prepared for tax time. My accountant will appreciate the timely, orderly data. My friends and family will get to see a cheerier version of me more frequently on weekends).

For more free tools and tips about this and many other issues, subscribe to my list on the right. “Pushing Yourself” is the 92nd free article you will get about all kinds of issues related to the relationship with yourself and with others.

In addition, if you’d like individual help with self motivation or any other dilemma, feel free to contact me at my Portsmouth, NH office anytime for an appointment at: 603-431-7131. I’d be glad to help!

Rescheduled BlogTalk Radio Episode: "Workplace Relationships: Dealing with the Dreaded Drama of Conflict"

Due to technical issues with BlogTalk Radio, unfortunately last week's episode never aired, and has been rescheduled to Wednesday, September 23rd at 8:30 PM.  My apologies for any inconvenience.

DO tune in to the rescheduled episode if you've experienced conflict at work and have felt dread and indecision about what to do. Or, if you have a manager who doesn't handle conflict productively, you end up getting the short end of the stick, and again, dread dealing with the issue, then this show is for you!

My co-host Pattie Porter, The Texas Conflict Coach, is an expert in the field of conflict management, and will share her insights about the issues, along with some critical tools you can use to manage these situations more confidently and effectively.

Call 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments. If you can't make the live show you can listen to the recording afterward at your convenience at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Stop Avoiding Conflict at Work! Insights and Tools on BlogTalk Radio Wed. 8/26/15 8:30 PM EST

Tune into my next 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode "Conflict in the Workplace and How to Manage it" on Wednesday, August 26th at 8:30 PM EST. My guest will be Pattie Porter, The Texas Conflict Coach, internationally famous radio host, an expert in the field of conflict resolution, and highly sought trainer and coach to companies all over the U.S. 

If you're a conflict avoider this show is right up your alley! We'll talk about the "why's" and "how's" of avoidance, the costs of doing it, and ways to break the cycle. 

Call in with questions or comments at 877-497-9046, stop avoiding conflict and talk to an expert in this field!

 

 

 

Ashley Madison Hack: Divorce Is Not An Inevitable Outcome!

If you or your spouse has been exposed as using the Ashley Madison site to seek an affair, stop and take a deep breath! (Apparently thousands of people have already flocked to lawyers to pull the trigger on impulsively decided divorces).  Driven by the hurt and humiliation of public exposure and profound betrayal, as a discovering spouse you are understandably experiencing the first waves of trauma that this news usually brings. Vengeance and assuaging the broken trust through divorce may seem like the only solution to you at this point.

As the unfaithful spouse you are probably traumatized in different ways: what may have seemed like a discreet, compartmentalized adventure without victims now feels real in its damaging consequences. You are now either bathed in shame and fear, or furious that you can no longer "have your cake and eat it too." However justified you may feel for your infidelity you know that your world is about to become unravelled. You are about to take the hit for everything wrong with the marriage, and cannot imagine ever being forgiven. If you stay married you imagine a lifetime in the "doghouse."                                                                                                                      
Whichever end you're on, the impulse on both sides is often to give up and get a divorce, convinced that healing and reconciliation would be impossible.

As a couples therapist who, for many years has worked with thousands of couples reeling from infidelity, I have a few strong pieces of advice:

• Slow down!
• Take some deep breaths!
• Don't make any rash decisions now!
• Don't impulsively file for divorce!

Here are some things you may NOT be aware of:

• Many marriages can not only be saved, but strengthened after the trauma of infidelity. It requires a lot of determination, hard work, vision, and a good couples therapist the spouses both trust.
• Many couples who impulsively divorce deeply regret that decision later on.
• Children are often the biggest victims, especially in a contentious divorce.
• If you don't know what direction to take regarding your damaged marriage there is an alternative to couples therapy called Discernment Counseling. This is a brief treatment designed for couples where one spouse is leaning toward a divorce and the other wants to stay married. It is not geared toward tools and skills for repair, but instead focuses on helping partners make a decision about a direction for the marriage. Only trained Discernment Counselors can provide this service.
• There are terrific books and support groups for couples wrestling with infidelity.
• If you do decide to get a divorce you can have a healing, constructive process through Collaborative Law. Divorce doesn't have to be an impoverishing dog fight.
• There may be hope. There is help.

Anyone in the greater Boston area wanting more information, feel free to contact me at my office at The Couples Center in Portsmouth, NH: 603-431-7131.

"Six Practical Pointers For Being Decisive When it Counts"

The chocolate chip waffle cone or the coffee sundae? An action movie or a heavy Indie film tonight? Swimming at the beach later, or kayaking on a lake? (Here are some examples of the small stuff many of us sweat, as though world peace depended on it).

Stay in the cushy job with the nasty boss or find a position elsewhere involving less perks but more appreciation and respect? Go to a state school or a private college? Forgive your old friend their insensitive behavior or let them go and find others who feel more conscious? Stay in the tired old marriage, work on repairing it, or move on to greener pastures?

They're all examples of the kinds of things many of us agonize over, stuck in indecision. The first group, however, are the kinds of decisions nobody would get killed over - so what if you get the chocolate chip cone and forego the coffee sundae? Whether you go to the beach or the lake, if your desire is to be on, around, or in water, you're good to go, either way! But when indecision becomes a kind of "condition" those different kinds of choices all feel like a plague, creating a kind of frozen "limbo land."

If you see yourself in this picture, don't fret! I've just had another article published in PsychCentral.com about this very topic, with tips and tools for how to develop your "decision muscles." And yes, the good news is that its not necessarily a trait you came with at birth - its a skill you can develop with some practice and consciousness. To find the article, "6 Practical Pointers For Being Decisive When it Counts" go to: http://bit.ly/1E0gEqn  and stop obsessing!

(Or, if you can't make up your mind, you could go to my "Media / Press" page to find the link, along with the links to all the other articles I've written, or for which I've been a contributing writer).

8/5/15 BlogTalk Radio Episode 8:30 PM EST: "The Complications of Coupling: One Man's Views"

Don't miss this 45 minute episode! I'll be interviewing Dr. Charles Rawlings, outspoken author of "It Really Is That Complicated - The Myths That Exist About Male-Female Relationships." We'll explore some of his controversial stances about women, and how, in his opinion relationships center around control, manipulation and bartering.

Call 877-497-9046 to join in the conversation with questions or comments, or to just listen, tune in any time at www.BlogTalkRadio.com

Back From the Wedding!

Well, it's been more than a month since I checked in here, and it's not because I've lost my interest in you, gentle reader! No, I've been preparing for and going through one of the most intense milestones a parent can experience - the wedding of our son, Alec to Erin, the woman he loves (and we love) intensely. What an experience!

If you don't have children or haven't yet "married one off," it's hard to imagine the buildup of momentum to the "big day." The outfits, the company, getting the house ready for a week of festivities before and after, the food preparation, the rehearsal dinner, the groomsmen getting dressed and being photographed beforehand, the ceremony, the reception, the pictures, the reviewing of all the events, and then a son who has chosen his mate for life and has gone off to an exotic honeymoon in Madeira. And now, the sweet memories of all those events and the reality of an officially "empty nest"!

This is one of the major milestones in life, not only for a "child," but certainly for the parents on both sides. It forces you to reflect on your years as a parent, how well you did, individually and together as a couple. It also gives you an opportunity to think about how having this child changed your lives. In our case, I tell people that our life went from color to technicolor, and that having a child can be the most joyful, enriching experience ever! (Plenty of stress, and not cheap, but very joyful)....

This milestone also forces you to accept the "letting go," recognizing that your child has chosen a mate, and will be creating a new family of their own. It's bittersweet. You can't have any illusions about having much control of your child's choices and destiny. For me, that one is a challenge, as I like to think I'm the leader.

And finally, this transition shifts your focus onto the next chapter of your life as a couple. What are your goals and your dreams? What have you been detoured from because of the all-inclusive task of parenting? What now?

So here I am, back to my regular, everyday life, full of wonderful memories and big dreams...

Learn to live "Life Your Way" with Dr. Amy Wood on 6/3/15 BTR 8:30 PM

Don't miss this next 45 minute show with prize winning author Dr. Amy Wood! Get some great ideas about how to get off the treadmill of an automatic, "shoulds" life, and move more confidently by instinct, lessening the noise and chatter around you, into a happier, more authentic life.

Go to www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager at 8:30 PM EST 6/3/15 and listen in live streaming, or call 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments.

Wednesday, June 3rd 8:30 PM EST BlogTalk Radio episode: "Life Your Way" - A Talk With Author Amy Wood"

Don't miss my next 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode, "Life Your Way" - A Talk with Author Amy Wood." We'll discuss this prize-winning, vital book which provides a compelling approach on how to manage the constant "Go! Do! Be Better!" stresses of 21st century American life.

Get some really useful insights on how you can use your instincts and intuition to find balance and confidence, and how to move more intentionally toward a happier, more fulfilling life.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join us on the air with questions or comments, or to just listen and benefit from the conversation about such an important topic.

Can't make the live show? Catch the recording afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/Susanlager

Give Yourself a Break!

It's been awhile since I've checked in here because I've been practicing what I preach: giving myself a break. And, you know what? Nobody got killed! I took time to do some light gardening, some socializing with family and friends, some cooking and baking, some Spring organizing, some reading, and some mindless fun. It was totally delightful. For a few weeks no major trainings, no BlogTalk Radio shows, no bookkeeping, no internet work, no professional reading, no raking and mulching, and no blog writing. It was a daily practice of exorcizing my "shoulds," and I would strongly recommend it to all of you as part of your mental health workout.

People today talk constantly about being too busy, but often don't challenge the underlying assumptions and automatic or duty-driven behaviors which fuel the compulsive whirlwind of activity. Companies expect employees to be available without limitations, so it exacerbates the perception and experience of busyness as "loyal," "responsible" and "valued."

I would invite you however, to step off the emotional treadmill every so often to stop and smell the roses. Be silly, non-"productive," self indulgent, time "wasting," and in the moment. Relax, and see what happens.....

"Low Sex Drive in Women" Don't miss the show!

REMINDER!  Countdown to my next BlogTalk Radio episode on 4/22/15 8:30 PM EDT.  Don't miss this 45 minute episode if you're over 40 and couldn't care less if you ever have sex again. Don't miss this episode if your husband is pressuring you to take some initiative sexually, and you feel resentful, tired, or blasé.

Find out the myths and the truths about a common issue nobody wants to talk about. Join me and my co-host, Dr. Terri Vanderlinde, an OB- GYN in private practice in Dover, NH.  Get out of the dark with some needed information and some TOOLS!

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air to just listen or to share your questions or comments. If you can't make the live show catch the recording at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

"Low Sex Drive in Women - What You Need to Know if You're Over 40": Next BlogTalk Radio episode 4/22/15 8:30 PM EDT

Are you a woman over forty with a few noisy kids, a demanding job, a messy house, and an even more sexually demanding husband? Is sex the last thing you're interested in at the end of another commotion-filled day? Is your husband wondering why you no longer find him irresistible - or thinking maybe you have a lover? Is he cranky, frustrated and feeling rejected? Do you feel more dread and pressure at "bedtime"?

If any of this sounds familiar, realize you're not alone, and don't miss my next 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode about this very common problem! I'll be co-hosting with Dr. Terri Vanderlinde, a board certified OB-GYN in private practice in Dover, NH.  She deals with this issue often in her work with women and their partners, so she's a wealth of information about "low libido" in midlife, what it is and isn't, and what can be done to deal with it.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments. If you can't make the live show, catch the recording at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager anytime at your convenience. You (and your husband or partner) will be very glad you did!

Cheers,
Susan
PS. If you and a spouse or partner are wrestling with this issue and want some professional help, feel free to call me for an appointment at 603-431-7131

Retail Meditation

I've often teased my husband about how he goes into his "happy place" when he's fishing, especially from his kayak. He slips into a total trance, paddling softly, examining the shallow water for fish and lures other people have left behind. I could be drowning in the next kayak, or there could be a nuclear holocaust and he'd be completely immersed in a Zen meditative state. (I think he's in good company with half the planet in this way.)

Well, I've noticed something similar about myself and what I think may be true for millions of women: when I'm on a shopping mission searching for a specific item, I'm either in a store or online, totally immersed in the experience, focused and calm, in much the same way as when I play my guitar, maneuver my kayak, ski or garden. I used to think of the shopping as being too material, but I now realize that it's a form of meditation - retail meditation! Whenever I'm in a store I observe something similar seeming to happen for mostly other women - they sail around with their carts, looking for this or that, with contented smiles on their faces, calm and centered, in what looks like a perfect state of "flow." I don't know if they're on drugs or engaged in compulsive shopping, but they sure seem to be present in the moment!

So, if you engage in the same behavior, and you're not overspending or avoiding some other responsibility, try not to let your inner critic define the experience as shallow. You may instead be honoring a biologically wired "gathering" instinct and doing a moving meditation. If it centers and calms you, it may be just what you need at that time!

Susan Lager                                                                                                                                          

PS. If you need more help with silencing your judgmental inner critic, feel free to call me for an appointment: 603-431-7131

Silence Your Inner Critic with the Ultimate Nuclear Weapon

Many of us become our own worst enemies by putting ourselves down and focusing on our weaknesses or negative qualities. If you are prone to this, it's important to know that a bit of self critical thinking can become motivation for positive change and growth, but when you go overboard with it, feeling worthless, incapable of effective action, etc., it prevents you from taking healthy risks because it robs you of confidence in your own capabilities. It raises anxiety and stress, and can lead to depression.

Most of us already know about the importance of learning to accept our mistakes as part of learning, and being kinder and softer to ourselves in general. We've also heard a lot about looking for solutions to problems instead of berating ourselves about them. But here is the ultimate nuclear weapon to blast away self criticism: The Howitzer Mantras.

Because self critical talking and behavior is driven by habit and reflex, its important to find words or phrases that are designed to hit the critic like a cannon blast. When you hear your internal critic saying nasty, derogatory things about yourself use a mantra that helps you feel angry and outraged, like "Screw you!," "Stop this crap!" "Shut up!" "Get off my back!" Use the anger and indignation as a productive way to drown out the critic. Yell out loud if you can, but most importantly, mentally shout the mantras at the critic.

If using the mantras alone is insufficient, take a stronger measure by putting a rubber band around your wrist and snap it while subvocalizing your mantra. By doing this you're emphasizing your stop commands and making thought interruption more likely. The sharp, stinging sensation breaks the chain of negative thoughts and acts as a punisher so that the critic is less likely to attack in the near future.

Try this method as a routine way to silence your damning critic and you'll be amazed at the results!

"The Art of a Good Apology" BlogTalk Radio episode Wed., 3/25/15 8:30 EDT

Do you say you're sorry when you've behaved badly? If you do, do you apologize well?  If you're not sure and you'd like to learn something about how to apologize in a heartfelt way which has a healing effect on the other person, then you won't want to miss my next half hour BlogTalk Radio episode tomorrow night!

We all do or say things at times which call for an apology when we feel we've hurt someone. Knowing how to apologize in a way which creates healing and meaningful repair requires an understanding of the importance of timing, as well as the key elements of an effective apology. This is what you'll learn by tuning into this episode. 

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments. If you prefer, you can catch the episode live streaming, or you can listen to the recording afterward by going to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

I hope you can join me!

Come to the Northeast where we're all going crazy! Join the party!

Here in southern Maine we just got hit with another four inches of snow, with possibly another nine more by tomorrow. Not to mention the next massive snow and ice storm coming this weekend, so total accumulations are approaching a cozy eight feet! Today was a balmy 25 degrees after daily averages well below zero. The new fun pastimes up here are shoveling, snow-blowing, roof raking, clearing our vents, blowing our noses, watching our pipes freeze, cleaning off our ice-crusted cars, fighting for parking "spaces," and watching our pets go psychotic indoors. It's a g*ddam party! Come to the Northeast, see the sights and join the fun!

"Healing Trauma Through Yoga - Hope for Survivors" : BlogTalk Radio Show 2/5/15 8:30 PM EST

I'm very excited to announce this upcoming BlogTalk Radio episode about Trauma Sensitive Yoga with Lisa Boldin, a graduate of the Kripalu School of Ayurveda, and specialist practitioner in this new form of Yoga.

In this episode we'll discuss the unique advantages of Trauma Sensitive Yoga for anyone who is struggling with anxiety, emotional stress, or trauma related to experiences such as sexual assault, military combat, or domestic violence.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to share comments or ask questions about this Yoga. Or, listen live streaming (or later to the recording) at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager where you will learn more about how and why this practice offers unique benefits for coping with PTSD or any of the aftereffects of a traumatic event. You won't want to miss this show!

Overthinking Things

It's been about a month since I've posted, and I'm happy to say, I'm back! With the holiday busyness, a surprising surge of clients, a nasty virus and some minor surgery, it feels like my life got hijacked.

But, there was also another culprit responsible for my absence: overthinking! I'm somewhat of a perfectionist to begin with, so my mind tends to over-review details in an effort to get things right, or just so. What prompted this post however, were two situations in particular: learning Quickbooks to enter details about my business expenses for my accountant, and a return to skiing for the first time this season.

Quickbooks is a ripe medium for overthinking: tons of little details with specific ways to enter information appropriately. I thought I'd learn to do it myself rather than spend the time and money outsourcing it to a bookkeeper. What I found is that it's an arena with loads of uncertainties if you're a beginner, especially not a financial professional. So it's been about a month of torture, with countless hours of entries, checking and rechecking, all on weekends when "normal" people are having some fun! Here's what Psychology Today says about overthinking:

"The human mind hates uncertainty. Uncertainty implies volatility, randomness, and danger. When we notice information is missing, our brain raises a metaphorical red flag and says, "Pay attention. This could be important..." When data is missing, we overestimate its value. Our mind assumes that since we are expending resources locating information, it must be useful."

(So there was me).....

Then I went skiing again for the first time this season on my new "shaped" skis, and found myself reviewing all the instructions about proper form and perfectly executed turns I'd learned from lessons in the past. It took me about five runs before it occurred to me to just have some fun and let muscle memory set in. The ensuing runs were exuberant, and nobody got killed!

So here are a few of my antidotes for overthinking things:

1. Just do it! Take action, be willing to make "mistakes," and be in the moment of the experience, so you get out of your head. If you're overthinking your motivation, then make your motivation the "caboose," not the "locomotive." You can think about your motivation on the tail end after you've taken action - i.e., as with exercise.

2. Distract an overactive mind by directing your attention elsewhere - focus on the desired end result you imagine, like with skiing, do some mental rehearsal, envisioning yourself flying down the mountain with joy, rather than obsessing on the details of each turn.

3. Practice regular meditation, daily exercise, and when all else fails, get some medication to calm down your obsessional thinking.

So, for all of us over thinkers the task is also to accept that life is filled with uncertainty, to trust that uncertainties usually won't kill us, and to relinquish our illusions of control. It's an Eastern thing....

Cheers,

Susan