The 4 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

I have recently been hearing a horrible lament by someone I'm close to, and it makes me feel fiercely protective and furious all at once. Let's call my confider "Jane" for purposes of reference. "Jane" has been on the receiving end of hateful, ignorant, and negating exclamations by her son, "John," who cannot allow for her experiences regarding some toxic history between them. Instead of being curious about her version of events, and concerned or confused about how hurt and violated she feels, he insists on inserting his own "truth" story, and blames her entirely for all their difficult past. Unfortunately, as "Jane" is a "pleaser" who can't tolerate conflict, and fears her son's anger and defensiveness, she shuts down, becomes silent, feels devastated, and gets overwhelmed with hurt and self doubt when they have these exchanges. Sadly, I can  predict that they are highly unlikely to heal or ever have a better relationship with this dynamic present.

Here are the four things he has repeatedly said to her I would recommend you NEVER say to anyone you care about if you want a collaborative, respectful approach to dealing with painful events:

1. "Forget about it!"

2. "It's in the past! Stop dwelling on it!"

3. "Let it go!"

4. "Get over it!"

Those statements presume that healing in a relationship is simply a matter of turning the page by oneself, rather than a two person interaction where each person shares their grievances, listens to the other person's grievances, and together they look at how they each contributed to the problems, and how they can each contribute to reconciliation. The above responses indicate that the speaker has abdicated any personal responsibility for past events, and that he feels that the problems are all drama in his mother's mind, and not co-created. The situation becomes even more toxic as there is no pattern of obsessive thinking or melodrama as an M.O. by the mother, (his defensive presumption). Just some hurt, and a different experience of history needing attention and concern, not a complete non-empathic negation.

So, when you hear someone close to you having a different story about events, instead of negating their feelings and perceptions with any one of these four statements, let them know that you've experienced things differently, but are curious and concerned about their experience. Realize that you each have your own subjective version of "the truth," and that hopefully, by listening to each other you can discover how you've each contributed in your own way to the problems. Then you can explore how you each can become part of a healing solution.

*If you and a significant other are stuck in a defensive cycle like this feel free to contact me at 603-431-7131 to set up one or more sessions individually, or as a couple.